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Victimhood / Martyrdom vs Boundaries
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<blockquote data-quote="2much2recover" data-source="post: 636857" data-attributes="member: 18366"><p>I think as parents of difficult children we all go through this. Between the gas-lighting, the lying, well just everything that goes with having a difficult child, and seeing no results is <em>frustrating...............</em>so as the parent we keep punishing ourselves as if it is we, that have caused all this................in fact professionals don't know why difficult children behave the way they do. Somehow we think we are going to find that magical key that fixes everything and when we don't we see the only option left as: it's my fault." And yet we see the cruel behavior and know in our hearts it is not our fault and the things we taught our children are not how they behave. It's really a grief, a loss. We have lost that great child we invested so much energy in to and we KNOW the loving child was/is in them, we just keep trying to kill off the demon that has wrestled and won their soul. That "good child" (if it ever even existed, even in moments) is illusory. They are gone and they are never coming back. It is maddening and heartbreaking at the same time that we love them so much, while mostly they don't have it in it to care anything about us, let alone love us. </p><p></p><p>God do I understand your point as I am forever doubting myself - emotionally riding on that crazy see-saw - am I wrong about her, is it me - what about the sociopath things she does? </p><p></p><p>The most basic thing it comes down too is: we don't deprive them of love and caring, they <em>use </em>our love and caring as a weapon against us!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="2much2recover, post: 636857, member: 18366"] I think as parents of difficult children we all go through this. Between the gas-lighting, the lying, well just everything that goes with having a difficult child, and seeing no results is [I]frustrating...............[/I]so as the parent we keep punishing ourselves as if it is we, that have caused all this................in fact professionals don't know why difficult children behave the way they do. Somehow we think we are going to find that magical key that fixes everything and when we don't we see the only option left as: it's my fault." And yet we see the cruel behavior and know in our hearts it is not our fault and the things we taught our children are not how they behave. It's really a grief, a loss. We have lost that great child we invested so much energy in to and we KNOW the loving child was/is in them, we just keep trying to kill off the demon that has wrestled and won their soul. That "good child" (if it ever even existed, even in moments) is illusory. They are gone and they are never coming back. It is maddening and heartbreaking at the same time that we love them so much, while mostly they don't have it in it to care anything about us, let alone love us. God do I understand your point as I am forever doubting myself - emotionally riding on that crazy see-saw - am I wrong about her, is it me - what about the sociopath things she does? The most basic thing it comes down too is: we don't deprive them of love and caring, they [I]use [/I]our love and caring as a weapon against us! [/QUOTE]
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