Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Victimhood / Martyrdom vs Boundaries
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 637425" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>So, as I worked my way through this (thanks, everyone), this is what I learned, and these are the things that helped me.</p><p></p><p>Maya Angelou's story about crossing the threshold.</p><p></p><p>Maya writes about having been told, by her own mother, that once she crossed that threshold, she needed to remember that she had already been raised.</p><p></p><p>She knew right from wrong, in other words. </p><p></p><p>Since she already knew right from wrong, she would know better than to do wrong<em>. </em>And if she did wrong, that was on her.</p><p><em></em></p><p><em>And that meant that, whatever Maya chose to do, the mother's job was done once the child crossed the threshold.</em></p><p></p><p>Once the child crosses the threshold, whether that be literally or figuratively, once the child knows right from wrong...then his or her life is his own. We may condemn their choices, as I so vehemently do and then, beat myself to smithereens for.</p><p></p><p>But I did teach them right from wrong.</p><p></p><p>My job was done before they ever hit puberty.</p><p></p><p>So...why am I beating myself to smithereens over the hurtfulness of loving my children, who are such poops?</p><p></p><p>Self image. I keep trying to fix it because I wanted something more? (Steaming mad, here.) Poor me, ashamed because I am the one without a professor, a medical director, a research scientist? Though I did have a math teacher, for awhile there. Hoo boy! That was sweeet.</p><p></p><p>:0)</p><p></p><p>Is it true, as one of my children told me, once, that I am masquerading as a martyr, as the poor, victimized, cookie making mother who doesn't deserve this when in fact, I caused it?</p><p></p><p>(Which sent me on this whole other downward spiral about what was the matter with me that I would present as someone bothered into a psychotic state by the actions of her poorly raised children to displace blame for what happened onto them. That certainly did suck. And I spent years dancing around that one.)</p><p></p><p>Then, Recovering taught me the term gaslighting.</p><p></p><p>And MWM had us all reading about various diagnoses and watching videos which might as well have been filmed by our own children, for Heaven's sake.</p><p></p><p>So, I am standing up, again.</p><p></p><p>The reason the "dumbass" comment stung was that I had to say "no" to moving into the house. (Even under the guise of supposedly buying it with money from the job he didn't have yet and would never be able to take now because I said difficult child and his family could not buy our house and so, had nowhere to live until the money started rolling in and would have to stay where they are, many states away, halleluiah.)</p><p></p><p>But I felt guilty about saying no.</p><p></p><p>I felt smug about having said no. Felt I had protected myself, and that I had been straight up honest with difficult child, instead of going through the usual, "You know why you cannot live at home again." and blah, blah, blah.</p><p></p><p>And here was the kicker:</p><p></p><p>I hoped for difficult child to have the job, and to make it, and I was pleased for him ~ and that is when, somehow, living in, buying into, whatever you want to call it, got to be the reason difficult child was never going to make it.</p><p></p><p>And THAT is why "dumbass" hit the way it did.</p><p></p><p>I was broken, already.</p><p></p><p>That is probably when I came out of shock enough to listen to what he was saying again.</p><p></p><p>Because it isn't just about moving home. It is about how everyone else's family helps them or they would not have made it, either. It is about how you need money to make money.</p><p></p><p>It is about how, believe it or not, I should stand up and make money if I think it's so easy in the world he has to live in.</p><p></p><p>Our difficult children are clever and can be slyly malicious.</p><p></p><p>So, writing this, I realize I am still not through it.</p><p></p><p>But I'm better.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 637425, member: 17461"] So, as I worked my way through this (thanks, everyone), this is what I learned, and these are the things that helped me. Maya Angelou's story about crossing the threshold. Maya writes about having been told, by her own mother, that once she crossed that threshold, she needed to remember that she had already been raised. She knew right from wrong, in other words. Since she already knew right from wrong, she would know better than to do wrong[I]. [/I]And if she did wrong, that was on her. [I] And that meant that, whatever Maya chose to do, the mother's job was done once the child crossed the threshold.[/I] Once the child crosses the threshold, whether that be literally or figuratively, once the child knows right from wrong...then his or her life is his own. We may condemn their choices, as I so vehemently do and then, beat myself to smithereens for. But I did teach them right from wrong. My job was done before they ever hit puberty. So...why am I beating myself to smithereens over the hurtfulness of loving my children, who are such poops? Self image. I keep trying to fix it because I wanted something more? (Steaming mad, here.) Poor me, ashamed because I am the one without a professor, a medical director, a research scientist? Though I did have a math teacher, for awhile there. Hoo boy! That was sweeet. :0) Is it true, as one of my children told me, once, that I am masquerading as a martyr, as the poor, victimized, cookie making mother who doesn't deserve this when in fact, I caused it? (Which sent me on this whole other downward spiral about what was the matter with me that I would present as someone bothered into a psychotic state by the actions of her poorly raised children to displace blame for what happened onto them. That certainly did suck. And I spent years dancing around that one.) Then, Recovering taught me the term gaslighting. And MWM had us all reading about various diagnoses and watching videos which might as well have been filmed by our own children, for Heaven's sake. So, I am standing up, again. The reason the "dumbass" comment stung was that I had to say "no" to moving into the house. (Even under the guise of supposedly buying it with money from the job he didn't have yet and would never be able to take now because I said difficult child and his family could not buy our house and so, had nowhere to live until the money started rolling in and would have to stay where they are, many states away, halleluiah.) But I felt guilty about saying no. I felt smug about having said no. Felt I had protected myself, and that I had been straight up honest with difficult child, instead of going through the usual, "You know why you cannot live at home again." and blah, blah, blah. And here was the kicker: I hoped for difficult child to have the job, and to make it, and I was pleased for him ~ and that is when, somehow, living in, buying into, whatever you want to call it, got to be the reason difficult child was never going to make it. And THAT is why "dumbass" hit the way it did. I was broken, already. That is probably when I came out of shock enough to listen to what he was saying again. Because it isn't just about moving home. It is about how everyone else's family helps them or they would not have made it, either. It is about how you need money to make money. It is about how, believe it or not, I should stand up and make money if I think it's so easy in the world he has to live in. Our difficult children are clever and can be slyly malicious. So, writing this, I realize I am still not through it. But I'm better. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Victimhood / Martyrdom vs Boundaries
Top