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Victimhood / Martyrdom vs Boundaries
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 637428" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Oh, Cedar, you just gave me some more of the wisdom you've learned. I'm so glad I found this forum. What Maya said about how our grown children were already taught how to behave and the rest is on them really hit me in the heart. I know this already, but somehow hearing somebody else say it is validating to the max. And don't all of us need validation when our own children have called us such horrible names?</p><p></p><p>Cedar, I have a few advantages over you in certain ways. I learned early that giving money to our children does not make them successful or unsuccessful. It certainly helps to get money, if your adult child is ambitious and will do helpful things for himself with it, but what if you don't have it to give? Many success stories came from average families that did not have a lot of money to hand out to them. Children who want to achieve will achieve anyway. My son-who-left Scott owns his own company. He didn't want the college scholarships he was offered and spurned them. His attitude was, "I'm smart. I can do this without college...waste of time. I'll start out four years ahead of my peers." He did. And he did it all. He was very ambitious from the time he was very young and had tremendous drive and intelligence. He owns his own business. Sure, he had to start out working for somebody else, but so what? He climbed the ladder fast and believed in himself and never gave up. He was going to prove to the world that he was more than somebody's orphan from another country, and he did. In fact, I think he felt we were lacking because we did not have the money he was able to achieve. Is being rich, but looking down at others, even those who loved and nurtured you, being a success? I suppose the definition is in the eyes of the beholder.</p><p></p><p>All of my adult children are hard workers, even Sonic. None of them got monetary help as we had none to pass along. But I feel we were very good parents and that Sonic and Jumper, in particular, lived in a very stable, loving, involved environment. I know both of those two adult kids value their parents, even though Dad isn't a moneymaker. He is always there. Jumper recently put on her Facebook under her dad's picture "The only man I'll ever need." She just got a tatoo that says "Family About Everything." The amazing part of this is that she is adopted and many adopted children have identity problems and are eager to find their roots. Maybe because Jumper knows her birthparents are around and she can find them, she seems very bonded to us. Sonic too. I truly think what we give our children OF OURSELVES is far more important than giving them money to help them get a leg up.</p><p></p><p>So I felt, very early on, that having money for our adult children is not the answer or the reason for failure and I was also not convinced that a college education was mandatory for success, especially the way things are today in the United States. Times have changed and the prestige of college degrees, except in very advanced fields, have lost some of the glitter they once had. difficult children just don't normally like to work. Period. So they blame us when they aren't successful because they are lazy. Or drugged up. We are convenient scapegoats and we love them and they know it. They do the oppostie of chld abuse, where parents who feel inadequate and have no self-esteem or take drugs beat up their innocent children. These adult children take us, those who loved them the most, and beat us up, sometimes physically, but certainly verbally, over and over again. Until we finally stop caring. The lucky ones stop caring and see that it is more about them than about us and that we can't control them. The unlucky ones cry to their graves. I feel very sad for those who never find happiness because their adult children abuse them forever and they can't detach.</p><p></p><p>Another advantage I have over some is that my children's behavior did embarass me when it was bad, but I never cared THAT MUCH what others thought. I have had to manage a dysfunctional family so their input was not accepted. I didn't care about it or even allow it because they had been so awful to their own children...who were they to talk? As for the other people around me, I had two rock solid friends who gave great advice and help and we could vent to one another, but we did not judge. The great masses out there, who really had nothing to do with us...I didn't care what they thought. I still don't. Never tried to win favor with the masses by image. Being a cynic, I'd see a perfect looking family and think to myself, "Wonder what their problems are...the ones they try so hard to cover up."</p><p></p><p>Many of those "perfect" families split up. But it looked good at the time, right? Not if you're a practicing cynic and people watcher <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> I was always very introspective and did a lot of deep thinking. I was a little harder to fool than some people are.</p><p></p><p>Ok, so I rambled on and on again and probably jumped topics.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, just wanted to squeeze your hand and say, "Thank you and I understand." Let's both, heck, all of us, try to have a great day and do something silly but very nice for ourselves <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 637428, member: 1550"] Oh, Cedar, you just gave me some more of the wisdom you've learned. I'm so glad I found this forum. What Maya said about how our grown children were already taught how to behave and the rest is on them really hit me in the heart. I know this already, but somehow hearing somebody else say it is validating to the max. And don't all of us need validation when our own children have called us such horrible names? Cedar, I have a few advantages over you in certain ways. I learned early that giving money to our children does not make them successful or unsuccessful. It certainly helps to get money, if your adult child is ambitious and will do helpful things for himself with it, but what if you don't have it to give? Many success stories came from average families that did not have a lot of money to hand out to them. Children who want to achieve will achieve anyway. My son-who-left Scott owns his own company. He didn't want the college scholarships he was offered and spurned them. His attitude was, "I'm smart. I can do this without college...waste of time. I'll start out four years ahead of my peers." He did. And he did it all. He was very ambitious from the time he was very young and had tremendous drive and intelligence. He owns his own business. Sure, he had to start out working for somebody else, but so what? He climbed the ladder fast and believed in himself and never gave up. He was going to prove to the world that he was more than somebody's orphan from another country, and he did. In fact, I think he felt we were lacking because we did not have the money he was able to achieve. Is being rich, but looking down at others, even those who loved and nurtured you, being a success? I suppose the definition is in the eyes of the beholder. All of my adult children are hard workers, even Sonic. None of them got monetary help as we had none to pass along. But I feel we were very good parents and that Sonic and Jumper, in particular, lived in a very stable, loving, involved environment. I know both of those two adult kids value their parents, even though Dad isn't a moneymaker. He is always there. Jumper recently put on her Facebook under her dad's picture "The only man I'll ever need." She just got a tatoo that says "Family About Everything." The amazing part of this is that she is adopted and many adopted children have identity problems and are eager to find their roots. Maybe because Jumper knows her birthparents are around and she can find them, she seems very bonded to us. Sonic too. I truly think what we give our children OF OURSELVES is far more important than giving them money to help them get a leg up. So I felt, very early on, that having money for our adult children is not the answer or the reason for failure and I was also not convinced that a college education was mandatory for success, especially the way things are today in the United States. Times have changed and the prestige of college degrees, except in very advanced fields, have lost some of the glitter they once had. difficult children just don't normally like to work. Period. So they blame us when they aren't successful because they are lazy. Or drugged up. We are convenient scapegoats and we love them and they know it. They do the oppostie of chld abuse, where parents who feel inadequate and have no self-esteem or take drugs beat up their innocent children. These adult children take us, those who loved them the most, and beat us up, sometimes physically, but certainly verbally, over and over again. Until we finally stop caring. The lucky ones stop caring and see that it is more about them than about us and that we can't control them. The unlucky ones cry to their graves. I feel very sad for those who never find happiness because their adult children abuse them forever and they can't detach. Another advantage I have over some is that my children's behavior did embarass me when it was bad, but I never cared THAT MUCH what others thought. I have had to manage a dysfunctional family so their input was not accepted. I didn't care about it or even allow it because they had been so awful to their own children...who were they to talk? As for the other people around me, I had two rock solid friends who gave great advice and help and we could vent to one another, but we did not judge. The great masses out there, who really had nothing to do with us...I didn't care what they thought. I still don't. Never tried to win favor with the masses by image. Being a cynic, I'd see a perfect looking family and think to myself, "Wonder what their problems are...the ones they try so hard to cover up." Many of those "perfect" families split up. But it looked good at the time, right? Not if you're a practicing cynic and people watcher :) I was always very introspective and did a lot of deep thinking. I was a little harder to fool than some people are. Ok, so I rambled on and on again and probably jumped topics. Cedar, just wanted to squeeze your hand and say, "Thank you and I understand." Let's both, heck, all of us, try to have a great day and do something silly but very nice for ourselves :) [/QUOTE]
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