Visit difficult child tonight, hope I can handle this ok..

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by horserider, Oct 12, 2009.

  1. horserider

    horserider New Member

    I haven't seen my difficult child in 2 weeks, he is in a program he has to "earn" his way out and visits home, through the jjc. Talked to him last night, they only get a 5 min. call. He is the only boy, out of 9, who has not earned a week. yet. He said "it's really hard mom". I imagine even harder with-o your medications, I told him. He said he is going to keep trying. OMG, why is he doing this to himself?

    DETACH...DETACH, or I'll drive myself crazy with worry. I felt guilty that I did not visit him last week, my husband went. Sometimes I just can't handle it.
    Therapy session this Thursday, going to be a hard week. He thinks everything will be "back to normal" when he does come home, 5-8 months from now. I moved out and don't think I can move back, (PTSD) but don't know how to tell him this. Maybe I should wait to tell him, but I want him to face reality, my reality - no more abuse.

    Thanks for being there and listening.
     
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hugs and strenghth. I hope all goes ok, and it is hard when they make it more difficult than it needs to be.


    Let us know how things went.
     
  3. TPaul

    TPaul Idecor8

    Dear Horserider,
    You do have the strength to make it through this. You are stronger than you think you are!! You have carried a load that is heavier than many people could ever even try to carry. Yet, even with all the bumps in the road, all the twist and turns of an uncertain path that changed sometimes day to day you kept going on. When there where collisions on this road and near collisions that through you to the pavement, you got back up, dusted yourself off, doctored the cuts and bruises and kept on loving you child each and every day. Your love for him shows in your post, your deep concern for his well being and for your desire for him to gain the strength he needs during this time, clearly shows that you are a great mom.

    Take this time where he is getting the help through this program that he needs to learn to take control of his life and control of the condition that he has, to allow yourself to heal and tend to your bumps and bruises, cuts and abrasion that all these things have caused within you own person.
    Take the time to recharge,to get the counciling that you need. Take time to reconnect with your hubby if you can, and build up yourself and heal during this time.

    YOU ARE STRONG - YOU ARE A GOOD MOM - YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!!!
     
  4. horserider

    horserider New Member

    Thank you for your responses, it really helped me to repeat to myself I am strong, a good mom and a survivor.

    Our discussion about wanting difficult child to go back on his medications did not go well. He still refuses. But now I have more serious concerns about the way he is being treated. There was a 4-5 inch long mark on my sons neck that was caused by a staff member in the jjc, it was red and obvious, like a rope burn. My son explained the situation where he did "push" this staff member (this was while he was spending time in his room) when the guy came in to bring him his mattress back. Another staff member was there also who must have witnessed what happened. I wondered why he did not get in deeper trouble, what they call re-entry, when a child gets physical with another kid or certainly a staff member. My obvious issue is I know these people are trained on proper restraining methods, and putting marks on your childs neck is not one of them! My difficult child explained he spent time in his room a few weeks ago because of an incident he denied fault in. My difficult child said they reviewed the tape and found he did not cause any problems so he did the room time for nothing. My difficult child broke down crying stating if he reports a problem with- another child to this same staff member that put this mark on him (he is their team leader I believe),the guy will say "I did not see that happen", or does not believe my son. My son has written grievences/complaints but he said he does not know what happens to them.

    I've left a message today for his case manager to call me, but I have yet to here back from her. Now I am concerned about retaliation because I have to question the way my difficult child is being treated. I would like to see a copy of the incident report, wonder if one was even filed. We have a session with-his therapist this Thrusday. I wonder if I should call my son's attorney. Hopefully I'll hear from the case manager tomorrow.

    Thanks again for listening.
     
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry the visit did not go well. Our kids seem to excel in making situations much harder than they have to be.

    I would also want to see an incident report. One is supposed to be filed at any time a patient is restrained (per my exSIL who is a nurse).I know when they restrained Wiz in the psychiatric hospital I got several forms to sign. Being that this is through Department of Juvenile Justice they may have different procedures. The attorney may be able to help you through that.

    It is important that you use this time to heal. Be as involved as possible but work to make healing a top priority for you.

    Make sure the therapist knows that living arrangements have changed and that you still do NOT trust him. It takes a few rounds through the psychiatric hospital doors to teach a difficult child that just going into the psychiatric hospital does not mean that all is forgotten and the slate is blank. I know that Wiz was always astonished that the old rules were in place when he visited home.

    many hugs. This is such a tough road to travel.

    Sending hugs and healing words to your hurting family.
     
  6. TPaul

    TPaul Idecor8

    Dear Rider,
    I agree check for the report to see what was reported. Keep in mind though that difficult child will most likely view what happened differently, as our difficult child can sometimes do. It is possible that he could be manipulating the circumstance to try to get you to get him our or moved someplace else. I am not saying he is doing this, but as we know our difficult child can get resoursefull, LOL!!

    And reasserting, that allow the hospital to do what it is there to do, help difficult child and you take the time to recharge and tend to your needs. Take time to do something that you have not did in a long time and enjoy.

    I would love a time to recharge my own batteries with someone else able to help my difficult child, wife ds, so I can envy you just a bit.

    Soft hugs and word of encourgament,
    T. Paul
     
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