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<blockquote data-quote="mom_to_3" data-source="post: 255871" data-attributes="member: 30"><p>I agree with crazy here. This part of your life and your difficult child's life is over and done with. YOU can't change anything now and I wonder how much it really served you in the end? I think it really made you appear adversary instead of participatory and THAT may be why you have gotten the grief you have. I am not trying to be hurtful here, I'm just trying to let you know what a different pair of eyes may see. </p><p></p><p>I will also be very frank here and tell you that I do believe your difficult child had a lot more control over his actions than maybe you thought. I think he manipulated more than one situation and just kept upping the ante to keep you at bay. We don't like to think that way about our children, but I do know differently now. When I was going thru all of the turmoil, I just couldn't figure out why ANYONE would want the grief they got, yet kept doing those exact same things over and over, getting more and more out of control. I know now. It's because they can AND they want what they want and will do what they need to to get it. There are just some folks like this, my difficult child included.</p><p></p><p>I haven't been in your exact position, but I did experience a situation with my difficult child that was just as horrifying to me as yours is to you right now. K, you're going in circles over and over and over again, trying to process what just happened to your son and yourself. It will not happen. You can't make sense of some of the things that happen to us and our difficult child's. You need peace, because you are making yourself crazy. There really aren't always the answers to things that happen to us. Things are not always right and many times, they don't make sense. Also, things could be happening for the right reasons to and for our difficult child's and our mothers hearts just can't bear to see that happen. You do know that right? Your pain and your anxiety are so heightened right now. Have you considered asking your psychiatrist for medications to get you thru this time? You do deserve peace. A clear head and a clear heart.</p><p></p><p>One of the most difficult things for me to learn in the journey of having a difficult child child is that 1. it <strong>never</strong> goes away. There is no rest for the weary. 2. It is not a healthy way to live. 3. Sometimes our difficult child's actually enjoy the chaos and attention they get and do more "stuff" to keep that pot stirred up. and 4. The most important thing I had to learn, was that <strong>*I* </strong> could not control or change everything, <strong>nor should I</strong>. I had to learn that sometimes, it is what it is. I have learned that who I was/am as a mother sadly didn't influence my difficult child like I had hoped and wanted. I also learned to use the phrase "there you go" when trying to make sense of my difficult child's actions, because it doesn't make sense. And that phrase <strong>allows me to leave it alone, and let my difficult child OWN her own actions.</strong> And lastly, 5. I learned that my difficult child's thoughts and behaviors do NOT define who or what I am as a parent or as a person.</p><p></p><p>I hope you are able to take something from what I've written. Give yourself a "get out of jail free card" and start living your life in a productive way. Free yourself from the turmoil that you are hanging on to. Get your home in order, go back to work, get caught up in the normalcy of life again.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mom_to_3, post: 255871, member: 30"] I agree with crazy here. This part of your life and your difficult child's life is over and done with. YOU can't change anything now and I wonder how much it really served you in the end? I think it really made you appear adversary instead of participatory and THAT may be why you have gotten the grief you have. I am not trying to be hurtful here, I'm just trying to let you know what a different pair of eyes may see. I will also be very frank here and tell you that I do believe your difficult child had a lot more control over his actions than maybe you thought. I think he manipulated more than one situation and just kept upping the ante to keep you at bay. We don't like to think that way about our children, but I do know differently now. When I was going thru all of the turmoil, I just couldn't figure out why ANYONE would want the grief they got, yet kept doing those exact same things over and over, getting more and more out of control. I know now. It's because they can AND they want what they want and will do what they need to to get it. There are just some folks like this, my difficult child included. I haven't been in your exact position, but I did experience a situation with my difficult child that was just as horrifying to me as yours is to you right now. K, you're going in circles over and over and over again, trying to process what just happened to your son and yourself. It will not happen. You can't make sense of some of the things that happen to us and our difficult child's. You need peace, because you are making yourself crazy. There really aren't always the answers to things that happen to us. Things are not always right and many times, they don't make sense. Also, things could be happening for the right reasons to and for our difficult child's and our mothers hearts just can't bear to see that happen. You do know that right? Your pain and your anxiety are so heightened right now. Have you considered asking your psychiatrist for medications to get you thru this time? You do deserve peace. A clear head and a clear heart. One of the most difficult things for me to learn in the journey of having a difficult child child is that 1. it [B]never[/B] goes away. There is no rest for the weary. 2. It is not a healthy way to live. 3. Sometimes our difficult child's actually enjoy the chaos and attention they get and do more "stuff" to keep that pot stirred up. and 4. The most important thing I had to learn, was that [B]*I* [/B] could not control or change everything, [B]nor should I[/B]. I had to learn that sometimes, it is what it is. I have learned that who I was/am as a mother sadly didn't influence my difficult child like I had hoped and wanted. I also learned to use the phrase "there you go" when trying to make sense of my difficult child's actions, because it doesn't make sense. And that phrase [B]allows me to leave it alone, and let my difficult child OWN her own actions.[/B] And lastly, 5. I learned that my difficult child's thoughts and behaviors do NOT define who or what I am as a parent or as a person. I hope you are able to take something from what I've written. Give yourself a "get out of jail free card" and start living your life in a productive way. Free yourself from the turmoil that you are hanging on to. Get your home in order, go back to work, get caught up in the normalcy of life again. [/QUOTE]
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