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Visit with difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="mom_to_3" data-source="post: 255914" data-attributes="member: 30"><p>We do get mixed messages that we don't know what to do with. At the time, I thought in my "controlling" that I too was being a good parent and anything less than what I was doing, wouldn't be good enough and if my difficult child got into trouble then, I wasn't being a good parent!</p></blockquote><p>Then, I still don't get why the courtroom concentration wasn't on holding difficult child accountable instead of me being the cause of the problem. It will always bother me- and I do worry that others working with difficult child while he's in there will just try to convince him more that he''s in there because of me instead of helping him taking responsibility and learn better ways. I don't want him being in and out of prison all his life, convinced that he never stood a chance in life because he had a single mom that didn't do something or whatever.[/QUOTE]</p><p></p><p>I have no idea if this is accurate or not and remember I am not trying to be hurtful, only helpful. I was not as weary / leery of the system as you are when we had trouble with our difficult child, so that may have made a difference for us. No one ever said to my face that we were the reason for our difficult child's behavior. That I know of, no one ever said that to our difficult child. If they had, I'm sure she would have loved to share that with us. While I did and do believe that my difficult child has mental health issue's, I never let it excuse her behavior and </p><p>never let her use it as an excuse or explanation for her bad choices. We still required her to rise to the same standards that everyone else had, no excuses. She was very able and capable, but she was also very lazy and defiant too. If I wanted or needed or insisted that she do something and she didn't want to, there was a price that was paid for me following thru. It was either threats, yelling, and for a period of time she did act out physically against me and of course passive aggressive acts were a constant. She would manipulate and lie to us and to others to get her way. She didn't care what the fallout would be for us or herself really.</p><p></p><p>This was my oldest daughter, our adopted daughter, our very much wanted child, the child that made us a family, the child that I had to prove that I was a good parent to because she was adopted. Do you see the expectations that I put on myself and her? I never let her fail because of the reasons above. This was part of the enabling that I did. It was wrong and crazy making. I can be honest now, because I have been able to step back and take a look at my life. I couldn't do this while I was in the thick of things. This isn't to say that I wasn't also a a very good, loving mother too, because I was. I reacted using my emotions much more than my head in difficult times and I now know that's not the best choice either.</p><p></p><p>I'm telling you these snippets of my life and my truths, in hope that you may find some understanding in your life. I really don't think anyone is out to say what a horrible parent you are, or how you screwed up your son, but in some ways, we do all contribute to their situation. That doesn't mean you are a failure or a bad parent or totally responsible for the situation. Now you have the opportunity to analyze yourself, put it in it's place, make the changes you NEED to make and move forward. It is a process, but one you'll be better for in the end!</p><p>[/QUOTE]</p>
[QUOTE="mom_to_3, post: 255914, member: 30"] We do get mixed messages that we don't know what to do with. At the time, I thought in my "controlling" that I too was being a good parent and anything less than what I was doing, wouldn't be good enough and if my difficult child got into trouble then, I wasn't being a good parent! [/QUOTE]Then, I still don't get why the courtroom concentration wasn't on holding difficult child accountable instead of me being the cause of the problem. It will always bother me- and I do worry that others working with difficult child while he's in there will just try to convince him more that he''s in there because of me instead of helping him taking responsibility and learn better ways. I don't want him being in and out of prison all his life, convinced that he never stood a chance in life because he had a single mom that didn't do something or whatever.[/QUOTE] I have no idea if this is accurate or not and remember I am not trying to be hurtful, only helpful. I was not as weary / leery of the system as you are when we had trouble with our difficult child, so that may have made a difference for us. No one ever said to my face that we were the reason for our difficult child's behavior. That I know of, no one ever said that to our difficult child. If they had, I'm sure she would have loved to share that with us. While I did and do believe that my difficult child has mental health issue's, I never let it excuse her behavior and never let her use it as an excuse or explanation for her bad choices. We still required her to rise to the same standards that everyone else had, no excuses. She was very able and capable, but she was also very lazy and defiant too. If I wanted or needed or insisted that she do something and she didn't want to, there was a price that was paid for me following thru. It was either threats, yelling, and for a period of time she did act out physically against me and of course passive aggressive acts were a constant. She would manipulate and lie to us and to others to get her way. She didn't care what the fallout would be for us or herself really. This was my oldest daughter, our adopted daughter, our very much wanted child, the child that made us a family, the child that I had to prove that I was a good parent to because she was adopted. Do you see the expectations that I put on myself and her? I never let her fail because of the reasons above. This was part of the enabling that I did. It was wrong and crazy making. I can be honest now, because I have been able to step back and take a look at my life. I couldn't do this while I was in the thick of things. This isn't to say that I wasn't also a a very good, loving mother too, because I was. I reacted using my emotions much more than my head in difficult times and I now know that's not the best choice either. I'm telling you these snippets of my life and my truths, in hope that you may find some understanding in your life. I really don't think anyone is out to say what a horrible parent you are, or how you screwed up your son, but in some ways, we do all contribute to their situation. That doesn't mean you are a failure or a bad parent or totally responsible for the situation. Now you have the opportunity to analyze yourself, put it in it's place, make the changes you NEED to make and move forward. It is a process, but one you'll be better for in the end! [/QUOTE]
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