Visiting in rehab?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Tymica, Mar 4, 2014.

  1. Tymica

    Tymica Member

    difficult children case manager just called to tell me that difficult child had been in a fight. The nurse called this morning to tell me he hadn't been able to sleep still so they wanted to up his Trazadone and that because of his lack of sleep combined with all of the new patients coming in creating cramped quarters he was pretty unhappy. Then a few hours later is when the case manager called. They are not kicking him out or anything like that but he loses his phone call for this week and the 3 hour pass for the weekend he applied for earlier this morning. I am just really disappointed at how much he is sabotaging himself and I am seriously considering not going to see him this weekend. I just feel like as a parent my love is unconditional, but my acceptance of his wreaking havoc on his life and mine has boundaries and he has far surpassed that boundary. I want scream, cry, throw things, etc... but I wont. Instead I will write him tonight explaining why he wont be seeing us visit him for a while. Sad face.

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  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Of course you have right to make that decision but may I suggest that you "sleep on it" before writing/mailing the letter to him? Although we don't have the poster child for recovery I believed that when he was in rehab and had consequences it was the choice of the administration. There were times when I cut my visits a little short if there was a hint of attitude but overall, in my humble opinion only, I wanted him to recognize that he still had family support. Obviously the administration had every right to deny family visitation which happened a couple of times when the GFGness came out unit wide. by the way, when he was in jail I never set foot inside that building. I guess what I am saying is that your family...your difficult child...your rules. on the other hand, some of us found that it was better not to stack family punishment on top of the facility punishment after taking time to chill.

    I'm sorry you guys are where you are right now but very sincerely hope that he will be one of the success stories. Hugs DDD
     
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I had the same reaction as DDD....in general I think people do better in rehab when they know they have family support. My son has spent a lot of time in rehabs out of state where we could not visit regularly... .now he is an hour from us and has been there longer than anyplace else. He is doing pretty well and I cant help but wonder if one factor is is that we go and see him every week.

    So sleep on it before making a decision and I would also call the case manager and see what he thinks. Rehab is hard, battling addiction is hard and there are going to be things that come up along the way and he needs your support.

    Now having said that you also need to take care of yourself and if it is really better for you not to go then dont go. And if you go and he has a bad attitude towards you then cut your visit short. Dont put up with any abuse from him.

    Otherwise I agree with DDD let the program give him consequences for his behavior there, you dont need to add to those. Instead concentrate on you healing your relationship with him.

    And believe me I know about the disappointment when we see them self sabatoge.... I have been through that so much with my difficult child I have lost count of how many programs he has been in... literally. But for the moment he seems to be doing what he needs to do (with some screw ups along the way but luckily he is in a place that recognizes that is part of the process).

    TL


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  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I so understand the disappointment having gone through that with my difficult child while in rehab. I hate those calls from the counselors. I also agree with DDD and TL. Perhaps you should call his counselor and ask her advice. I did leave visitation early one day because of the way difficult child as treating me and not taking her rehab seriously so I don't take your disappointment lightly, it is sooo hard. My difficult child lost her day pass and we had planned a fun day since it was her birthday. Talk about disappointment.
     
  5. Tymica

    Tymica Member

    difficult child's caseworker allowed him to have his call tonight even though he wasnt supposed to. So I was able to express my disappointment to him. Of course his response was "I realize now that was stupid" which is always his answer after the fact. I do feel somewhat better after talking to him and his counselors must believe there was some extenuating circumstance or good excuse to go back on their own consequence.

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  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Glad you got a chance to talk with him. It is really a long hard road emotionally for the family. Sending hugs. DDD
     
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I am also glad you had a chance to talk to him....just keep that connection with him. I think it is so important for both you and him.

    It is sometimes so hard to understand what our difficult children are thinking (or not thinking) when they do stupid things.

    TL


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