Voluntary Lock out?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by eap7243, Aug 28, 2010.

  1. eap7243

    eap7243 Guest


    First, thank God for this website. It's amazing to find out there are other people going through the same things and with such experience.

    I have a 15 year old difficult child that we adopted at age 12. Had 3 failed adoptions. In the system since the age of 6. His family history includes violence, prostitution and drug abuse. difficult child has been struggling off and on with drug use, alcohol, truancy from school (started already this year), theft and has a charge against him for explosives. difficult child is rarely here, and I receive texts from him indicating he will not be home tonight, etc.

    We've already tried removing privileges including no more cell phone, removing his door on his bedroom for a time, we no longer cook meals for him (he's rarely here to eat them), no longer wash clothes, give him rides, etc M has missed his last diversion appointment, and his case of theft and the case of explosives will now be going to court.

    I am amazed at the patience level of some of those who have posted here. My wife has indicated to me that I've been too lenient with him in the past, but some of you have tolerated way more than we. I've wanted to show as much as grace as possible, but the tolerance level has been met.

    Earlier today had a conversation with M, letting him know that if he missed curfew again, and purposely indicated that he would not be home, he would no longer be allowed to stay here. I received a text (from someone's phone?) indicating he's out camping somewhere and he'd be home tomorrow. I text back and let him know that he needed to be back or we'll have to go through with the plan I indicated.

    The state isn't very helpful. I get to file another 'runaway' report? In the meantime, he gets to place our family at risk. I have another foster son who's ready to be adopted. My wife fears that if we do a lockout, we'll lose the opportunity to adopt our current foster son. To me, as soon as an adolescent is told, 'you need to be home at such and such a time' and they say, 'well I won't be coming home', they should be immediately put out of the house. What can they possibly be learning when you keep saying, "you need to do this" and they don't comply? They learn that authority figures do not need to be obeyed. Call me old-fashioned but parents need to be in charge and calling the shots.

    I'm ready to put his clothes in a bag outside our door. If he feels he is adult enough to be out doing his own thing, then he should be able to take care of himself as well. Is anyone familiar with doing a lock out (has done it or knows someone who did) and what were the consequences?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have adopted older kids. Did you get any information on attachment disorders? You adopted a much older child with a huge past. Do you feel like this child sees you as his parent? Is he attached to you? in my opinion that's a bigger issue than anything else...other than your personal safety. Our 11 year old adoptee did such horrible stuff, we had to discontine the adoption.
  3. eap7243

    eap7243 Guest

    I think he would like to think of us as mom and dad, however there is no attachment there. And yes i am familiar with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), and that is him. Along with PTSD and I really believe pathological to some degree but hasn't been diagnostic. Unfortunately we decided to adopt him with the hope that he would see that we were committed to him, unlike other families that dumped him after 6 months. I guess I believed that love could conquer all.

    But now he's made it clear that he won't follow our authority. He's running the show at school and he wants to run the show at home. I cant let his younger brother see his attitude and think that's what you do when you grow up.

    We've given him every reason to trust us even if he won't attach, he knows were non violent and reasonable.

    Please explain why his ability to attach is more important than the safety of our family unit.
  4. eap7243

    eap7243 Guest

    Oops Sorry my error, you did not say that his attachment to us was more important than our personal safety. I mis-read your post.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    In MOST states (not sure if it is all) running away is generally not considered a "big deal" on a legal level, largely because if the runaway was an adult it would not be illegal. Some areas refer to this, and other things considered illegal only because they are done by a child, as a status offense.

    on the other hand, locking a child out of their home is a BIG DEAL, both in the eyes of law enforcement officers and in the eye of children's services (whatever they are called). I understand what you are saying about following through, and consisten follow through is almost always the best way to handle things, but if you do this you very likely will not be able to adopt the other child or any other children. Parents who do this here are usually charged with endangering the welfare of a minor, and often either lose custody of other children or end up with their lives and parenting being scrutinized and supervised by CPS.

    You are required by law to provide this child with a roof over his head (even if he refuses to come home), a mattress (can be on the floor) with a sheet and a blanket and usually a pillow/pillowcase, a toilet, someplace to bathe/shower, food and clothing/shoes appropriate for the weather. None of this needs to be fancy, or even what the child likes.

    Often it takes filing a LOT of reports to get the courts to do much of anything but impose community service hours, fines (generally parents are responsible for paying them unless the judge says otherwise ands sticks with it when the child is late or refuses to make payments . I know of at least 5 cases in my state where the judge imposed fines and said the parents were NOT to provide the money - the child was to do work for parents or neighbors/others to earn the $$. After over a year the parents were ordered to pay the fines when the child would not, in any way, do anything to earn the money. One mother addressed the court and told the judge that as frustrated and angry with the teen as he was, imagine being faced with this over and over no matter what you did - and then to have to pay a lot of fines and court cases for the privilege of it, esp when multiple social workers, therapists and doctors all stated that they were doing all they could and were excellent parents. The judge had no answer except to lecture the kid - and we ALL know how well that works. NOT.

    Personally, I would get rid of all of his possessions except those you are legally required to. He won't come home? Fine. You are NOT required to be his storage unit. When he comes home he has just what is listed above, and his clothing is limited to 7-10 outfits (only 3 pr of pants are required, when children who are wards of the state are given their clothing or taken to shop for it they only get 3 prs - we learned this when our son spent 4 months in a psychiatric hospital) that you and your wife deem acceptable. If you go to buy him more clothing, get it from a thrift store. If your son has a lot of name brand clothing go find a teen consignment store. You will get back part of your investment if they are in decent shape. Provide his new wardrobe using $50 at a thrift store - it is what he had before, at least in my state.

    Sell or pawn any electronics that he owns, clear his room of EVERYTHING, including the dresser and any other furniture. He is just going to destroy it, most likely. The fewer items in his room the fewer places to hide drugs, weapons and other contraband. His clothing can be stored in a closet (remove the door so he doesn't damage it, or if it is damaged so he doesn't hide small items in it) or even in a cardboard chest or in milk cartons.

    He is clearly rejecting your home, but you still cannot legally lock him out of the house. You can lock him out of any room but his own, and I encourage strong doors (not the flimsy interior doors that are sometimes used - check for a Habitat for Humanity Re-Store for used solid core or heavy duty doors) with deadbolts and hinges that are inside the rooms themselves. This will mean he cannot break through a door, pick the lock easily (those interior doorknobs with locks can be picked using a screwdriver or ice pick or most anything else that can fit in the hole - or replacement keys can be found for about $3 at Lowes or Home Despot), or remove the hinges. With a deadbolt and a solid core door he can only kick the door down if the lock is anchored into the molding instead of the actual framing around the door. It is the ONLY way to keep your home and belonging safe from him.

    You can disrupt the adoption, whatever that is called. He is very very likely to have Reactive Attachment Disorder, and there is very very little that can be done to turn that around. If you are not aware of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and attachment issues, PLEASE start learning about it TODAY!!! Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is what happens when a child does not form a close bond with someone during their first 3 years of life. If they are abused during those years, or a parent dies, or they are removed from parent or parents, they are at a very high risk of this. Even severely painful medical problems that last a long time can do this, though it is much much rarer.

    These children do not know how to love and they do not trust love in any way, shape, or form. They can be very very dangerous to anyone who attempts to love them, because they are very afraid of love in most cases. Chidlren who have been abused are most likely to be dangerous, from what I have been told, because someone professed to "love" them at the same time they were being hurt very badly.

    I believe one book on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is "Parenting the Hurt Child" by Keck. Same author has other titles on the subject, I think. I looked into it years ago because several tdocs suggested it as a possibility for my son (bio, never abused) because he had two painful medical problems as a young child (ear infections were almost constant because the way his ear canals were and he woke up during urinary surgery because they needed to do 2 procedures and the anesthesiologist was too interested in eating a danish than in paying attention to what was going to happen - he chose a shorter acting medication that could not have more added with-o serious risk of death and Wiz came to as they started the second procedure.) Wiz and I were VERY closely bonded and we did NOT have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), but a few "green" tdocs thought it might be possible.

    In your case you are NOT going to be able to parent this child the way you are expecting to. He simply cannot allow it, and probably has no clue what it would look like or why he would want it. He may even prefer to go back to where/how he was living before you adopted him. While he isn't old enough to truly live on his own, you may get better results if you approach him as a roommate rather than a parent. At the very least you will likely have better luck if you use a collaborative approach to parenting rather than a more traditional method. Many of us here have great luck using methods described in "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene - it describes how to use this collaborative approach.

    I don't know if it will be the best thing with a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kid. One of the moms here, Timer Lady, adopted twin 4yr olds with her husband. They learned quickly that the kids had Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). They had better luck using methods from Love and Logic Parenting by Fay and Cline. You can learn more about L&L on the website, "loveandlogic.com" - don't skip parts aimed at teachers, some of these methods can also be helpful. There are quite a few different L&L books and the website lists them and gives a description. Many of them are available in audiobook format as well as printed format.

    My husband had some similar parenting beliefs as you. The more I learned about our difficult child's problems and how traditional parenting just wouldn't work, the harder it was for my husband. few of the books seemed worthwhile to him and he rarely read more than the first few pages, no matter how well the methods were working for me. Lots of times I read the books and fed him the ideas as we talked about the kids. It wasn't easy for me. Then I found L&L -we were at a REALLY bad point and NEEDED help and to work together. L&L stressed natural, logical consequences (combined with creativity and planning) while strengthening a loving bond between parent and child. The techniques work best when administered calmly (giving no reward to children who like to get Mom and Dad to yell and get angry) and they get rid of that old saw that a child will forget what the punishment or consequence is for if it is not immediate. (I always had a problem with that - they can remember what a reward is for even if it is given at a school assembly weeks later, can't they? And what their birthday is celebrating and it only happens once a year!)

    I read the book and told my husband that if we were going to make it as a family then he NEEDED to read it. I waited until he had seen me use one technique several times with astonishing results, and asked me about it, then gave him the book. My husband actually read it from cover to cover in a very short time - and it made sense to him!!! The other books never seemed to make any sense to him, so this was (to me, at least) a miracle!!!

    Anyway, that is enough for now.

    Welcome to our group - you will soon find that we really DO believe you when you describe outrageous things your child does, that we DON'T judge you, and that our advice is largely based on our experiences as we have been there done that in many cases. It is nice to meet you, though I am sorry you had to seek us out.


    ps. You might also find help/support/ideas by googling Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) support
  6. eap7243

    eap7243 Guest

    While we've pretty much left him on his own, we haven't stripped down his personal things to this level yet. That WILL be done.

    And yes, he's already destroyed much of his room by hacking (many) holes in the wall, has hidden weapons and drug paraphernalia.

    Every exterior door in the house is locked with a deadbolt keyed on both sides. Front door has a utility closet door knob (always 'locked'. When closes, only way to get in is with a key). The only entry and exit from the home is through the front door except for wife and I. All the windows in the house have boards in the window sills screwed into the frame and screws sealed closed with epoxy which only allows windows to open and close about 4 inches for ventilation so that windows cannot be opened/closed to exit the home. Basement door access from inside the home is locked, access to garage door is locked. All this was done in an effort to stall the coming and going after curfew without permission.

    We did meet with a lawyer regarding CO law, and it appears that once the adoption is final, they no longer recognize dissolving an adoption. Once the child is legally adopted, he is yours.

    I am beginning to look at being a parent in quite a different way. Now I'm performing my God given, moral and legal obligation that I signed up for. I think of myself more of a parole officer, since there's not much more of a relationship there. It's good to hear confirmation that what we've feared is most likely true and that is difficult child will never bond with us. Maybe difficult child is better off than he would have been if he didn't have us, but what will he become when he's 18 and on his own? I have read brief articles on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), but will look into it more.

    I have read L&L and they have been a huge help. Mostly the difficulty that we've found is that there aren't many consequences that will impact him. The cell phone has been the biggest for him, but he's already lost that one for good. I will get and read copies of "The Explosive Child" and "Parenting the Hurt Child'.

    In this relationship, I've been the one doing research, trying to find options, trying to actually 'work' with him. wife doesn't like him, and cant' bring herself to do the responsible thing for him. She'll go along with whatever I suggest.

    I wish we could get some psychiatric evaluation completed for him and get him into some treatment. I don't know how much voluntary treatment we could get him to go through. Did a psychiatric hospital do anything for your's?

    Thanks again for the hope and the (((hugs)))!
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he doesnt' attach to you, and that includes serious therapy for it, he won't listen to you or want to please you. If he can't attach to ANYONE he could become a serious criminal when he is of age. You can't force him to listen to you when he doesn't care what you think. 99% of the kids in foster care were sexually abused. Is he a threat to do this to his brother? Does his brother have attachment issues too? Most kids adopted older do have them and it greatly affects their behavior toward everyone.
    We had to disrupt our adoption of the 11 year old. He had sexually abused our two younger kids for years (and the kids were way too scared to tell us...we didn't find out until lmy daughter started having yeast infections). Attachment disordered kids can be very dangerous as they have no conscience. Please be careful and, trust me, many kids have rejected "love" long ago and don't believe in it or want it. They will USE your love for money or material items, but they think of you more as a sap than a parent. Our son who had to leave was taken to juvy hall for young sexual offenders and was diagnosed with "Severe Attachment Disorder." I think he may have had some fetal alcohol issues as well. He had no idea why he does the things he does and does not recall being sexually abused, although he obviously was.
    Once he left we were so afraid he'd come back for revenge that we moved and unlisted our number. Of course, NOW he can find us on the internet, but so far he hasn't. He is twenty now and I wouldn't be shocked if I saw on the news that he killed somebody. He strangled our dog and, we suspect, a few cats. But the dog is a certainty because he made my terrified younger children watch him.
    I'm not trying to be harsh. I just don't want others to be fooled like we were. Not all kids can be saved. Sad, but true.
    Wisconsin doesn't let you disrupt an adoption either, but we did tell them, AND THEY AGREED, that this child can never live with us again. After a year they felt sorry for us and dissolved the adoption anyway. Before that, he had been charged with and found guilty of Sexual Assault of a Minor. He was only thirteen himself, but the kids were more than five years younger than him so he could be accused. The experience was extremely traumatic for all of us. We cut all ties.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Your response to MWM came in while I was typing mine. You have already done a LOT to try to help the situation, and you are MUCH further along than most are when they seek us out. So feel free to ignore anything you have already done.

    My comment on locks and doors was meant for any door he can open when he enters the home. Other kids' rooms, the room you and wife share, the kitchen if he raids/trashes it, rooms with computers, tvs, game systems. If/when you get rid of his stuff, he WILL retaliate by getting rid of yours. Unless he cannot get to it. If he does destroy, damage, or sell your possessions you CAN file charges for theft, destruction of property, etc.... And you SHOULD. In this country until you are 18 you legally own NOTHING. Everything is owned by the parents, giving parents the right to give, sell or pawn any possession of a child. If the child does it to the parent's items, or a sib's items, it is against the law.

    Is the boy law abiding as far as you can see? If so the threat of police action may be enough. Chances are it will be way short of enough. You are likely to have to force your local police to file charges, but you have the right to do so and they must file them in you insist. Part of the reason they may be reluctant is because many parents later change their minds and get upset at the officers if they cannot stop the process once it is started.

    If the boy hurts you, wife, anyone else, a pet, or damages things you CAN call officers and tell them to take him, or take him to the police station yourself. They will do all sorts of things to try to talk or force you to change your mind. They may even say they have no where to send him. It is BS. My son was violent for a long time. 4 mos in a psychiatric hospital in 6th grade made a big difference, but about 1 1/2 yrs later he turned that anger on me. I have health issues and am not strong physically. In terms of will, that is another story. I refuse to be anyone's battered woman, or to set that example for our other kids (earlier he was abusing our daughter and making her hide it for fear he would kill their younger bro - he is the bio child of husband and I). The first time we called the cops he had hit me, and then proceeded to trash the living room and lock himself in the bathroom threatening to kill himself. There is a 4' by 8' mirror in that room and we were very scared. Officers spoke to him and he promised not to do it again, so my husband agreed he could stay here. Less than a week later he got mad at me when husband wasn't home and ran at me, headbutting me back into the bar that separates our LR and DR. The officers were about gone when husband showed up. They tried, hard, to get husband to talk me into letting difficult child come back in. I gave husband a choice, difficult child or the other kids and I. Too much was enough. The officers got an emergency order from a judgeand placed him in the youth shelter overnight. We had a hearing the next day and he was ordered into the shelter until a court date 2 weeks later. I took his clothing to the shelter that day and difficult child was thrilled to be there. We got a call the next day that we had to come get Wiz because he was thrown out for violating the rules - 6 rules in less than 24 hours, including hugging one of the girls on 2 occasions. She was crying, and given to manipulating boys, but there was a strict no contact rule. My parents live here and picked him up.

    Otherwise the officers would have gotten to arrest me for abandonment because I could NOTlet him endanger the rest of us. We still had court and they never did order me to take him home. The judge was FURIOUS with him, but still tried to talk us into settling it ourselves. Just when I talked the best Boy's Home in the state into evaluating him (it is an amazing place and would have done wonders for him in so many ways) my dad asked to be given a chance to help him. Somehow my parents did help him, though they will tell you they have no idea what worked. There is a thread about this that I posted the other day on the general board.

    Anyway, this is to show you what you CAN do. They will likely threaten you with child abandonment or even child endangering, but you must be firm, calm, seem reasonable with-o giving in. Have a list of what he has done that makes it unsafe for him to remain with you, and for the family to have him remain. I mean that ways it is bad for him (he ends up out on the streets running with who know what kind of people, he is using drugs) and why it is bad for the family (bad example for other children, threatens wife, etc...).

    Personally, if your wife feels that way about him, he knows if. Has she told you exactly why she feels that way? I would be totally unsurprised if he had made some sort of sexual threat against her, likely when no one else could possibly hear it, and if he is street savvy (a very good possibility) likely in words that could be taken to mean something else. Many women feel extreme shame when a stranger says this kind of thing to them. To have a family member, even a "new' one, would likely make it far, far worse. She may even think you won't believe her, even though I am sure you will/would have. These kids are extremely good at manipulating people. crazy scary good like no one who hasn't been through it several times would believe. You may have to ask your wife if he has threatened her. I am NOT NOT NOT saying your wife doesn't love and trust you. I am saying that this teen may have been able to convince her that even you won't believe her. It is impossible to know how you will feel or respond to that sort of threat until it has been made to you or you find that a loved one has been threatened that way. I don't want to scare you, just prepare you so that you can gently ask your wife if anything like that has happened. If it hasn't, you are lucky and she is blessed.

    Kids with the background of sexual abuse like your son, combined with the families he has had, are largely unlike anything anyone is ready for or able to help. Many are sophisticated beyond YOUR years in the arts of threatening and coercion. Until they find some reason to motivate themselves to change, nothing will help them. They won't trust, love, etc... or experience any kind of healthy relationship. In many cases, if they cannot get what they want easily they will use sexual threats or enticements to get it. Regardless of how old they are, how old their target is, and what sex any party is. All that matters is what they want.

    If you have ANY other children in the house you MUST supervise every single SECOND they spend together. Video cameras are an excellent investment to help ensure safety and if needed prove threats and assaults. Check out online spy shops and ebay for the best prices. Don't forget about sites like ebates.com and extrabuxx.com that give a % of the purchase price back as a quarterly check or paypal deposit if you shop at certain etailers. In a pinch there are video baby monitors that are quite reliable though they do not record, at least not as far as I know.

    I hope htis helps. Oh - if yougo through the police they will eventually place him with social services in a group home or foster home. You will most likely have to pay child support, even if he ends up in juvie for all or part of that time. If he has an explosives charge is there a chance he will end up in juvie?? Or that his drug tests will be dirty enough often enough to get him sent to juvie for much of the time until his 18th birthday?

    I forgot that you asked about what happens after he is 18? Legally he gets a clean slate. I would NOT let him stay in your home. You may decide to help him with tuition if he wants to do a vocational or college course, but it is very unlikely that it would happen. It will probably be safest to make him leave on his 18th birthday, or at the end of that year in HS. If he stays in your home while finishing HS (if you can work things out to have him stay and make safe choices), then you NEED a contract that lays out what you expect from him and what will make you force him to leave. In some states if you let someone who is 18 or older stay there overnight you cannot just kick them out. You end up having to go through a formal eviction process which can take 30 days or longer. (A while back a member's 18yo let a "friend" spend the night for a few days because she had come in for a visit from out of town. When the friend wouldn't leave the kid tried to toss her out. The guest called the cops who said that it was illegal and if the guest was to leave it had to be via eviction or the guest's choice. This "guest" never paid a penny in rent, food, or anything else, and even got some other people to come stay with her, if I recall correctly. It sounds outrageous, but is the law in some areas. It makes the old Ben Franklin saying that fish and guests stink after 3 days seem like the time should be a lot shorter, doesn't it?)

    Anyway, I hope this isn't too much at once. As for getting a diagnosis to figure out what is wrong, you would have to find a certified child and adolescent psychiatrist (with the md) and a neuropsychologist (special psychologist with extra training in how the brain affects behavior) to fully test him. Testing can take 12+ hours and is done in several sessions. Check out Children's or University Hospitals if you are so inclined. Also check your insurance because not all plans cover it and it is upwards of $1500. Schools can do some of the testing, but I would not expect the best or most complete results because they only look for things that impact academics.

    I hope I touched on most of your questions.
  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Hi & welcome. I'm the mother of now 16 y/o severely attachment disordered twins (boy & girl) with complex PTSD & bipolar is thrown in just for giggles. We adopted the tweedles @ the age of 6 & the doggie doo hit the fan immediately.

    Saying that, because we adopted out of foster care we made sure services were in place before we finalized (which made the state we adopted from very nervous & threatening but they never showed up to pick the tweedles up).

    Your son sounds like my son wm. He is now (& has been for almost 5 years now) in a therapeutic foster home because of his abuse toward us. It was a decision that brought my husband & I to our knees. If the state law doesn't recognize an adoption disruption (which I doubt) then said state may have to recognize threatening & dangerous choices your difficult child is making.

    For me to get help I climbed over every head in this state & the adoptive state. I took it to the head of the department of family & children protective services. I kid you not. I'm nothing if not tenacious.

    Document every single behavior, everything that isn't acceptable in your home; in the community. That documentation gives you ammunition with the state departments you have to deal with. If it comes to hospitalization for safety call 911 & have him transported safely. I actually called CPS myself when things got to far out of hand. I asked for an investigation & welcomed it. The SWs eyes opened readily.

    Do you have a psychiatrist you trust? Have you seen an adoption/attachment/trauma specialist? How far do you want to take this? I have to be honest that if I had known then what I know now I would not have cont'd with kt & wm. The cost is far too high ~ my children were hurt beyond reason.

    Forgive me if I've been repetitive. It's not my intention. Post often ~ even if it's to let off steam. We're all in the same boat.
  10. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Be careful about selling his stuff. Anything he purchased with his own money, anything he owned prior to coming to your home and anything given as a gift belong to him. You can lock it all up and forbid him access to it until he is 18 but in some states, you can get in trouble for getting rid of his stuff.

    When he says that he is not coming home, you need to tell him that you expect him home by curfew. When he is not home by curfew, call the police and file a runaway report (get a copy of the report every time). When he is violent, call the police, every time. When you find drugs/weapons in his room, call the police, every time. Once you have a large collection of these reports, ask the police to arrest him on an incorrigiblity charge (or whatever they call it in your state), this will get you in front of a judge - the judge has the authority to order him back into CPS's care. This will not terminate your rights and you will be expected to pay child support (or if you have a subsidy, you will lose that as it will be taken as child support).

    Locking him out can cost you ALL of your other children -- adopted, bio and foster.

    If you let us know what state you are in, someone here may be more familiar with their services.
  11. eap7243

    eap7243 Guest

    Hello Everyone,

    Thanks again for your posts. For all you've said, a lock out is not going to happen now, but everything else is.

    M is at it again, he's making it in by curfew, but he's missing classes every day at school. He's lost his door, he's on his own for preparing food and there's no more cell phone or TV.

    I've met with a psychiatrist over the phone, comes highly recommended with 18 years in the business. difficult child will have opportunity to make wise choices, get tested and make the most of it. I will keep you posted and continue to read through your years of knowledge and experience. You have all earned your doctorate in difficult child work. Seriously, where else would we hear about this?

    I don't know that cps / dhs is on our side. Kids with this level of disruption should come with a surgeon general's warning. There should be some testing, then maybe a minimum amount of pre-experience/education for adoptive parents. At least we would have had a clue what to expect. 20 hours of FC training doesn't prepare you for this...
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Boy, did YOU say the truth. When you apply to adopt an older child, they don't tell you the flat out truth: "It's likely that this child has attachment disorder, which means that he will never love you, that he is afraid of love, and that you cant' do a thing to change that. On top of that, he will probably hurt other people, especially your family and will most likely end up in jail no matter how hard you try. This will break your heart." They really minimize the problems. Half the time these kids were born with drugs and alcohol marring them and giving them three steps behind before their birth and THAT can't be fixed either. I get very angry thinking about how ill-prepared the exhausted parents at my Special Needs adoption meeting were. Most were getting their house repaired, if not their own selves beaten up, because of their very disturbed kids. But...if they told us the truth about how hopeless it often is, nobody would adopt older kids. There are a lot more sob stories than happy endings when you adopt older kids, who have already been so damaged and love doesn't fix it.Yes, we also thought that love would conquer all.

    Enough from me. I feel for you. And I agree...CPS is not on your side all the time. T

    Take care.
  13. erbaledge

    erbaledge New Member

    I have to say I am glad to hear he is making home/in by curfew. Especially being that was a (big in my eyes) problem/issue. Do you let him know that you do appreciate him following that rule? And not just saying it once, but occasionally and frequently. (maybe every couple of days)