waiting for the other shoe......

[Andy]

Good for you! I know it isn't easy.

Yes, ER and dentists and doctors pick up very quickly on those who are seeking drugs. When I worked in a dental office, a red flag would be when a patient knew exactly which medication they wanted prescribed and like your son will refuse anything else. That could be (not always) a sign of someone who is not really looking to relieve pain. When you are in so much dental pain, you will be willing to take any form of treatment your dentist prescribes - same as ER pain.

It is so hard to have someone who you love make these choices. You need to continue to stand your ground reminding yourself that any money you give him just assures him that you will always be his safety net. Same with rides - He was most likely hoping if "Mom" would ask the ER for help on his behalf they might listen to you and give him what he wants. He needs to build his own safety net using better choices.

You can encourage him to accept the antibiotic prescription (unless he is hoping the abcess will get so large that someone will prescribe the heavy drugs) if there is an abcess. Let him know that abcess teeth are nothing to gamble with. They can become dangerous if not treated. Some may calm down on their own but the infection will remain until the antibiotic takes place or the tooth is taken care of. Also, once an abcess gets to a certain point, the dentist may not be able to work on the tooth until it does go down.

Again, congratulations on not helping him to the ER when your instincts were that he did not need it. Let him know that if it is a true emergency, an ambulance would be quicker anyway.

 

[witzend]

My response re an intervention is, are YOU ready for it? At an intervention, your job will be to deal an ultimatum: either you do this, or we do nothing for you from now on.

This is really insightful. I had never thought of it that way. And I think you are absolutely right. No way is Susan ready for an intervention.

(You do learn something new every day! )

 

[witzend]

I wonder if having Susan advise her son about teeth and antibiotics and so forth might not be a step backwards for Susan? After all, every time she involves herself with him, she gets obsessed with him. Then she gets panicky and depressed. I think she should leave him alone.

ya'll he might die

Seriously? He might die walking across the street. How are you going to save him from that? What can you do to prevent that from happening? If you kept him in your home 24/7 could you prevent it? Would he stop walking across the street if he only understood how upsetting it is for you to think that he might die?

How about this? You might die. You might die tomorrow. And you'll have wasted the last ten years worrying about someone who doesn't give a rat's arse about what you think, trying to change someone you love who is happy as they are. in my humble opinion this is not about is about your wanting him to be well. It's about your wanting people to pay attention to you because of your son's poor behavior. Well he is absolutely accommodating you, isn't he?

 

[BusynMember]

I don't think she comes here for attention. I think she really needs to vent. She's been doing a lot better.

When I worked in a hospital in the Admitting office we had pictures of people who came to Admissions and ER for drugs and we were supposed to be on the lookout for them. If they came in, we were to alert the nurses back in ER. We caught quite a few. They tend to go around all the hospitals, but there are only so many hospitals so eventually somebody catches them.

Bet there's nothing wrong with this kid's teeth. He just wants drugs. I wouldn't have taken him the first time. He could walk, hitch hike, take a cab, etc.

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks Andy and all for all the helpful opinions. Andy hit it on the head when he said my son would probably ask me to come in and "help" him get the drugs he needs because they would listen to me - oh yes he said that and no way would I. I did tell him to call 911 for an ambulance but that he should have taken the antibiotic when they gave it to him the first time - I would bring him Advil and afater the antibiotic we could see about a dentist or he could see about one - obviously he figured something out he didnt call back - I am sure he got what he wanted somewhere - I have prayed so much lately and am trying to be still and listen - today is Fathers Day - I wonder if he will remember.

 

[DammitJanet]

All our kids could die. Its a simple fact of life and it cant be our driving fear. We cant wrap them in cotton and never let them leave home because we are afraid they may die.

I have been afraid my sons may die for far different reasons many times in my life. Did you know that gangs in Difficult Child have to kill the guards at the gates at Quantico as a rite of initiation? Oh that made me feel just so warm and cozy as my son stood at the front gate all night long! He was only 19 when he first arrived there.

 

[susiestar]

Susan, You have been making some progress. but I honestly and truly think that you have NO CLUE how obsessed you are with difficult child. Trying to find that one thing to "help" him seems to be a compulsion for you, just like checking to see if the door is locked or the stove is turned off.

You know, checking 1 time is OK cause everyone can be forgetful, but when you devote so much time and energy to checking, well, it hinders your life.

There are actually MEDICATIONS to help with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I know you don't want to hear this. But you NEED to see a psychiatrist to be evaluated for this. It could make an enormous difference in not only your life, but also in the lives of the rest of your family.

Heck, maybe if YOU get help and follow a treatment plan then difficult child might also commit to one. HE has to KNOW how unhealthy it is for you to be so wrapped up in him. He uses that to rope you into providing medical and dental care for him even when he abuses you (remember the time in your car that he wouldn't get out and even threw a taco in your face?).

Maybe, just maybe, if difficult child sees YOU embrace treatment and get help then he would also be willing to get help.

That certainly has at least as much chance of working as an intervention and probably way more than suboxone treatment.

Since you are so willing to do anything to help him, I am challenging you to find a psychiatrist and commit to some real treatment to break the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) mess that has you so terribly enmeshed with him.

Double Dog Dare You!

 

[CrazyinVA]

I've shared this before, and will again. When Oldest was at her worst, my therpaist said to me, "Someday she might die as a result of her behavior, and it will NOT be your fault. You have to accept that." It hit me like a ton of bricks at the time.

 

[Andy]

The time you are spending with your other kids will help you detach. It is hard to let go especially when you know that for now, the kid is incapable of good decisions. However, detach is what you need to do.

You will always have that "waiting for the other shoe to fall" feeling every time you think about difficult child. You need to train yourself to redirect your thoughts. He is an adult who is out of the house and your strength in not giving into his life choices will be the best thing for him right now.

Make a statement such as, "Do not ask anything of me until you have a stable life." I don't know how best to phrase that but you must come up with something and stand behind it. Repeat that statement to him and yourself whenever you start thinking about that other shoe. It is o.k. to hang up on him if he starts pushing you into an argument. You do not want to argue and you do not have to. He can call back when he is able to be respectful. He doesn't follow your advise so why give it anymore? I will give my kids one set of advise and when they reject it, I refuse to come up with an alternative plan for them. I used a statment similar with my teenage daughter. Whenever she wanted anything, I would state the phrase and hang up. I used that phrase to focus my feelings on. To keep myself from getting involved in her excuses. It was my rock, my defense.

If you want him to received treatment, you can use that, "You are not to ask anything of me until you successfully complete inpatient treatment." Then remind yourself that your boundary in this must be held strong. You will have nothing to do with him. That is your boundary. Now it is up to him to decide if he wants to cross it. Just like with anyone else. For example, one of my boundaries is that I refuse to spend time with anyone who is constantly drunk. No matter if they are a friend or relative. I can not force them to keep from being drunk but I can choose to stay away when they are drinking. I am not going to be judgemental - I have no right to that - but I do have the right to set up the life around me. I would set that boundary with anyone. I don't spend time with anyone who disrespects me or is drunk.

You can do the same. You can choose not to let his life choices bring you so far down. It is hard but it is possible. You have made a great step in refusing to help him with the ER. Keep standing up to him. Keep detaching - he gets NOTHING from you. You are no longer his safety net.

 

[standswithcourage]

Absolutely! Thanks Andy. You have just given me the courage I need. Everyone here on this board has heard my story I know but somehow the words just rang true to me. I dont want to be his safety net. thanks for pointing that out. Also thanks to the others on this board that have been honest.

 

[Star*]

http://www.amazon.com/Intervention-Help-Someone-Doesnt-Want/dp/0935908315

I'm not sure which one of us should read this....

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks Star! I love your little smiley face people!

 

[witzend]

Star, I looked at your link and the reviews on the book were pretty mixed. Then I got to this review:

This book is pretty good. But when I went shopping for a professional interventionist, every one I interviewed suggested that I read the book "Love First." I've read both, but Love First really lays out the whole process in detail and takes you through it step by step. And yes, the intervention was successful.

So I looked at Love First. It's reviews were nearly unanimously good.

http://www.amazon.com/Love-First-Fa...tBy=bySubmissionDateDescending#R2695PIQ953IFH

Susan, if you really think an intervention will help, by all means read the book and get yourself started. But you should only do it if you know what you are doing and are willing to carry through your part of the bargain. Their's a reason they call it "drawing a line in the sand". The line is so easily erased and it means nothing. If your doing the intervention, you have to follow through not just for today, and not just until you realize that he isn't changing this week. You have to plan it and carry it through.

We don't actually know if you should do an intervention. We never will. Why don't you educate yourself so you can figure the answer to that question out once and for all.