Waiting for the rain to start....

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Mikey, Apr 3, 2007.

  1. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Well, it's been a good "almost" week. Other than my one little episode over the weekend, it's been "almost" normal. difficult child hasn't broken curfew, hasn't lied, actually came home more than normal, brought home good mid-term grades, and even brought his girlfriend over to spend a little time with us. Still off the cigs, but still using (just not at my house or around us), but what else is new?

    Doesn't it just suck that we can't seem to enjoy the good times (or not so bad times, for some of us) with our difficult child's? I don't know about y'all, but I don't trust these times any more. I get antsy and start worrying about the next time I'll have to deal with an episode.

    It's like living in southern Louisiana during the summer: even on the nice days, you're just waiting for that gully-washing thunderstorm to hit that you know is coming.

    It always comes, eventually. Doesn't it?


  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know exactly what you mean. I am always waiting for that other shoe to drop. I dont care how old my son gets, when things get too quiet for too long...I know something is up.

    I will never forget the day not all that long ago...several months...when he was missing all day long. No one had heard from him. I just knew in my gut that he was in jail. Had no reason to suspect it or anything...no phone calls, no messages, no recent incidents...just gut instinct. Sure enough. The house was too quiet. Later that night he came home after bailing himself out.

    Kerplunk! Shoe dropped.

    One good thing though about them being grown is that it is their shoes dropping...lmao.
  3. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #3333FF"> the simple fact is that once they break the trust it's just not that easy to totally repair the damage done. it's got a bit of the PTSD reactions to it.

    i don't believe that when they have spent years lying, stealing, etc., that one good week can repair that. it takes time. he has a lot to prove....a h*ll of a lot! now he'll expect instant forgiveness & will be irrate when you doubt him because after all *he's stopped lying to you, blah, blah, blah. think of it this way. if your wife cheated on you ~~~ had been cheating for years ~~~ wouldn't you wonder where she was going pretty much any time she walked out the door or came home late? of course you would. it's human nature.

    it will be years before you stop questioning...at least in your mind...what he's up to & if he's telling the truth about what he's doing.

    i'm glad you guys are having a better week. baby steps.

    </span> </span> </span>
  4. KFld

    KFld New Member

    It takes a long long time to get over the feeling of waiting for the next shoe to drop. I used to cringe every time the phone rang or I heard a siren go by. I have learned to relax, but that is because my difficult child is doing well right now and has been for a long enough time that I have been able to let my guard down. Don't know if, or when that may change, but for today I am relaxed.

    You have experienced a lot with your son for a long time, so the trust and relaxation won't come overnight. The problems didn't happen overnight, so they can't be solved that quickly.

    Hang in there. Definatley sounds like he's making progress. Just let him know you aren't going to let your guard down that quickly either. Sometimes that is exactly what they are up too.
  5. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Wow, Kris, when you put it that way. Yes, infidelity would definitely cause that kind of reaction - I just never thought of it like that when it came to my kids, because they're kids, and expected to make mistakes, whereas a cheating spouse is an adult and is fully aware of what they're doing. Guess I'll need to think of my "kid" as an adult in the same way (although where does the brain poisoning from drugs and ADD fit in?)

    PTSD - another good point that I never thought of. I knew a guy named Max who "worked" for Air America during Viet Nam. The things he had to do, the PTSD he suffered afterwards, completely destroyed him. I never thought of PTSD being a factor in this whole mess, but I guess the situation and stressors of my life (or all our lives here on CD) could bring on the same results.

    Lots to think about, and maybe to discuss with my doctor. Thanks for the perspective.

  6. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: KFld</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Hang in there. Definatley sounds like he's making progress. Just let him know you aren't going to let your guard down that quickly either. Sometimes that is exactly what they are up too.</div></div>

    That's the plan. Funny thing, though. When we were out shopping for a tux for prom, he brought his girlfriend along. Watching the two of them was like watching an old married couple (like me and my beloved wife). He listens to her, reacts to her, respects her, and works with her in a way that gives me hope - hope that he can, eventually, become a "normal", productive, and happy member of society.

    We may not get that same treatment for a while, but I am glad to see he's capable of it. Maybe we're just at that point in teenage life where the 'rents are old turds, but if the girlfriend says the same thing, well, then it must be worth listening to.

    I never got there with my Mom (I loved and respected her every day until she passed away), but then that's probably abnormal for most teens these days.

    Hope. It's what I cling to, but I also try to keep from being blinded by it. Thanks to all the good folks here on CD that keep me honest, my eyes are wide open. Thanks for all the good advice, warm thoughts, and tough comments. Keep 'em coming.

  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    If you have time to kill you will find it interesting to read
    about PTSD here on the Board. Many, many, many of the children
    are aflicted due to physical and emotional abuse issues in early
    childhood. Many of our adult CD members also suffer from it due
    to carryovers from their childhood, extremely stressful years
    with their difficult child child or children. Around here it is almost common, sad to say.

    Some of us refer to PTSD moments (while fully understanding we
    are notafflicted with the disorder). Phone calls in the middle
    of the night, doorbells or knocks on the door during the night,
    police cars cruising our street (rare of our settled block) and
    MOSTLY calls from and visits to the S C H O O L!!

    Yep, there are quite a few triggers! DDD
  8. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: kris</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> if your wife cheated on you ~~~ had been cheating for years ~~~ wouldn't you wonder where she was going pretty much any time she walked out the door or came home late? of course you would. it's human nature. </div></div>Slight digression, but on that score, I've known of at least five marriages where that happened (my first, wife's first, 3 friends) and none survived. In 4 out of 5 the partners tried to patch things up but the wound was just too deep. And the lack of trust bleeds over and affects innocent third parties. It takes a lot longer to build up trust again with someone else.

    [added in edit] by "where that happened" I mean one spouse cheated, not that the wife cheated... in fact my first was the only one where it was the wife who cheated.
  9. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: DDD</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Some of us refer to PTSD moments (while fully understanding we are not afflicted with the disorder). Phone calls in the middle of the night, doorbells or knocks on the door during the night, police cars cruising our street (rare of our settled block) and MOSTLY calls from and visits to the S C H O O L!!</div></div>Oh Lord. been there done that fer sure. "Mr. B-----? This is so and so with (insert institution here: school, police, employer)..." That sinking feeling.
  10. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    From your sig, "One day at a time."

    Hard to do, but it's the only way I get through it. Sometimes it's one HOUR at a time. And sometimes, it even devolves into one Xanax at a time.

    But is it wrong to hope for a day when I'm not waiting for the lightning to strike?

  11. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    No Mikey, it's not wrong! In fact, I think it's great to NOT give up Hope! It's what I clung to in those dark days. My hope was that my son would survive until he could mature. Those teenage days were the worst. I was so afraid he would die of stupidity...alcohol/drug related, before he could grow up and become who he was really supposed to be, before addiction took him down the wrong path.

    My son has been drug/alcohol free for 2 years now. Granted, the first year was in jail, but hey! And he's coming up on his 1-yr anniversary of being released from jail (May 1) and honestly? I still get the shivers sometimes. :smile:

    He's doing GREAT! He's engaged to a wonderful girl, they're both working full-time, they just bought a house!! But last week? The phone rang, and someone on the other end was asking for my son, from a number I didn't recognize, and I went into severe panic-mode! :nonono: Come to find out, it was his Cable Co., and they had my number as a contact from back when he didn't have a phone, but still! For about 50 seconds there, I couldn't breathe. :whew:

    Nowadays, I feel a bit ashamed of that reaction, so I really like Kris' explanation of PTSD. Shew! It IS simply human nature!

    And HereWeGo, my first marriage ended like that. We had both cheated in the past, and then we both joined AA....and then he cheated again. And really? It wasn't so much that, as perhaps I could have forgiven that....He lied about it. Lied bald-faced to me. Looked me in the eye and LIED. I couldn't get over that. I tried, but I got pretty sick, and I had to get out.

    So Mikey, keep the faith. Keep looking for the bright spots, and give yourself a break. It's okay to worry, because just between you & me? The shoe is gonna drop. MAYBE NOT! But it probably will. And it's okay to brace yourself for that.
  12. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Well, it didn't take long....


    difficult child was supposed to go to work today, didn't. Said he was "on call", and was hanging out with friends until he got called in. Mom "begged" him to stay clean while we were out (shopping for him and his sibs for Easter). Called up later so stoned he could barely speak. Couldn't come home by agreed-apon time because he wasn't capable of driving (yay, my stoner son knows NOT to drive while stoned :faint:

    We said we would come get him he says NO, that he'll be home by 10 (which he was).

    But we're done. Someone here said "Do to Get". That starts tomorrow. He wouldn't clean up his room? No worries - no clean clothes until his room is clean. No money for the prom? Sorry mate, Banco de Mom-n-Dad just revoked your credit. Maybe your stoner friends would all pitch in some of their weed money to float you a loan - NOT! Oh, better make sure you pay your car, insurance, and phone bill on time, or you'll lose those things in a snap (guess that means McD's after prom instead of Ruths Chris, but hey, it's only prom, right?)

    Not going to get mad, not going to yell, and I'm sure not going to start a spraying contest with a skunk (teens are experts at psychiatric warfare, so just say NO). Just going to set the ground rules and stick by them. We have the gold, so now we're making the rules. Do to get - that's how it'll be from now on, until he can start acting like a member of the family.

    THUD! That's the sound of the shoe dropping....

    Guess it's raining now.


  13. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Sorry to hear it, Mikey.

    Say, how did he get home?

    I think you're doing the right thing. :bravo: In fact IIWM I'd go further and restrict him to the house except for work and school, and forget about the prom (it's only the jr. prom anyway, isn't it?) -- prom night is practically a pre-ordained disaster... but that's me, maybe I'm too quick to counsel bringing in the heavy artillery.* Anyhow you have to decide what's right for your situation. Best of luck and I'm pulling for you, hope that your difficult child sees the light.

    *You know I'm a big advocate of the tough love approach. A lady posted about some problems with her adult daughter today and I went into my spiel. It was not just me, and I happen to think I was right, but anyhow the lady appeared to not care for the trend of advice she was getting and withdrew her posts. My standard "don't let the door hit 'em" approach may be too heavy-handed, especially for the newbies who may be more in need of sympathy and less in need of being told what they oughta do on their first post.
  14. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    :frown: Sorry for your hurting heart, Mikey.

    Come stand under our umbrella. :warrior:

  15. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    HWGA: Thansk for the vote of confidence, but the wimp gland is still a bit swollen and active, so no heavy artillery yet.

    When he called, what little my wife could understand of what he was saying is that he was wating for girlfriend to come and drive him home. I was already expecting a bad night, and had gone to bed before 10; he'd be home whenever he got home, or I'd get a call from the police or a hospital. But I wasn't going to feed his ego by waiting up nervously by the door any more.

    He got home early. I can only hope that he had the good sense to wait for someone sober to bring him and his car home. Don't know, he won't tell, and he'd just lie if he drove stoned anyway. So what does it matter?

    Already informed him that we're done enabling his very easy, soft, suburban life. No clean room? No clean clothes. No help around the house? No help with other problems (he can ask his stoned pothead friends how to handle things like a broken windshield). No cooperation on curfew and respect for agreements that HE makes with us? No more money help, regardless of whether or not he always pays us back. Run out of gas? Talk to your pothead friends. No money for prom? Mooch from your girlfriend or talk to your pothead friends.

    No cooperation on curbing your drug use? Count on a bed, food, and basic necessities until you grad HS, then be ready to pack and leave.

    Get into trouble with the law for DUI or cooking up hashish (which is what I found out "extracting THC" is)? Don't call me - let your pothead buddies bail you out. Keep up the bad attitude, and you can either find a way to finance your car yourself or I sell it for what you owe me. Oh, and you can find your own insurance instead of me carrying you on my policy and saving you 100 bucks/month. You're also welcome to try and get a cell phone on your own when your current contract expires in June...


    I'm dating myself, but I remember having two blacklight posters on my wall when I was a kid (it was during the VietNam War): one was of a pig dressed up in a police officer's uniform; And the other was a poster with Hippie Flowers and a phrase written in that psychodelic font you always saw on the front of Hendrix, Doors, and other albums of the time. The phrase was "If you hate the police, the next time you get mugged call a heroin addict for help".

    Pretty much sums up how we feel. If he hates his "jail" so much, then he can do without all the extras we're NOT obligated to provide, and he can see how much support his drug buddies provide to compensate for the cushy stuff he'll no longer get (like clean underwear).

    We're done. Not going all the way and kicking him out, but I'm not going to provide a comfortable, cushy life for someone who acts the way he does. I love him enough, and still have some hope, that he'll eventually come to understand that his view of the world is a little bit skewed, and not quite as bad as he thinks it is. The big gun, however, now has a round in the chamber and is out of the holster (for the first time).

    Like I said: There will be no yelling, no emotional outbursts, no pleading and begging, we're done. My house, my rules. I'll try to be reasonable and make the rules tolerable for a teenager. But the rules will be respected, or else he gets only what I'm obligated to provide under the law until he can be legally "encouraged" to seek other living arrangements.

    That's my story, and I'm sticking to it (at least for the next few hours) :biggrin:

  16. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    way to go, Mikey! Sounds like you have reached your limits--amazing what that will do, isn't it? I think you are right on target--you sound very determined. Good luck--got a kick out of your comment "that's my story and I'm sticking to it (at least for the next few hours)". I do know that when my adrenalin wore off it was easy for me to go back to feeling sorry for my dtr--I did much better with her when I did not care what she thought or if she was going to hate me for the rest of her life, etc. It felt good to feel angry yet in control. She was an expert though at diffusing these angry feelings--she would be extra nice to me and I would relent. Be on guard!!!! Let us know how things go, we are all waiting with baited breath!
  17. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Hah! Karma's a B---CH!

    difficult child called this morning, said he was feeling bad and had a swollen neck. Turns out to be full-blown mono. No school, no work for at least a week.

    What's the first thing he asks me? "If I can't work, how am I going to pay for Prom next weekend?"

    {me - shrugging shoulders}

    He probably won't be well enough to go to prom, but I left that little tidbit out.


    'nuff said.

  18. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    OMG....is that you Mikey? is that really you? are you sure you said all those things? R E A L L Y? :bow:

    WE GOT 'EM! yeppers, we did. We gotcha! :bravo: We convinced you, as a parent who needed a soft place to land, that DO TO GET is a great philosophy.

    Now..... :warrior: DO NOT BACK DOWN. If you do, you will be a "L" imagine me making the L sign coming out of my forehead(loserboy) forever. :rofl:

    Seriously....wow...what a post. Congratulations. How do you feel?

    Don't be bringing out any heavy artillery yet. You'll need something for the next "issue". Do remember "no emotion" jest the facts man.

    I'm proud of you. :smile:
  19. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    That's great if you and wife are on the same page. It should make
    a world of difference. Good luck. DDD
  20. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Do to get...

    Hmm... lets see if he can stay straight for one week, not act out for one week, and not break curfew for one week. Then, maybe, he can go out to the prom.

    Up to him to "earn" my help over the next week. We'll see.

    No backing down. Wimp gland now fully open (still feel bad that's he's sick AGAIN), but it won't take much to push me over: anger releases the wimp-gland-super-shrinking-hormone.

    Again, it's up to him. He knows what he has to do. Let's see if he'll do it.



    PS: this all assumes that he stays home this weekend and rests like the doctor says. A ruptured spleen from aggravated mono can sure ruin your day....