Walk In My Shoes

[susiestar]

Lots of us have problems answering when people ask questions about our kids, our health issues, or other issues that are different for us than for other families, esp ones with-o difficult children. I think it is a problem that we have each faced at times, and it can be terribly difficult to handle. Even worse is the way so many people make judgments about our kids, our parenting, our homes, whatever. My personal big problems are when people ask why I don't just go get a job or just go do something - I don't because my body can't but I look so normal that even my parents don't get it - and my mom has her own health issues, but hers haven't done the types of damage mine have even though the areas that hurt are the same.

I was reading a thread over in sub abuse and I found the answer. Nancy and her husband use it, at least with themselves and in my humble opinion it is pretty much perfect.

Don't judge if you haven't walked a mile in my shoes, and if you are not willing to walk in my shoes, be quiet.


This isn't something I could say to everyone, or in all situations, but the essence of it can be said and is exactly what I have watned to say for so long!

Thanks Nancy!

Just thought some of you might find it helpful to think in terms of this when those infernal questions pop up.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Those infernal questions...
(ugh)

Here's some zingers from husband:
When it comes to difficult child, and our peers complain about either his "so-called limitations" (not usually worded so politely): "I'll raise my kids, you raise yours."

Or same group commenting about our parenting... husband just says... "Your kids aren't raised yet either."

Coming from older folk, it's harder... their kids are raised (for better or for worse).

When it's about ME (long story, long list... and yes, invisible disability stuff)... HE speaks up and defends me, and asks that I just ignore. This means that I don't come across as whiny or snivelling (took me a long time to buy into this), and he has the right to defend his wife. Given that many DHs do not do so, when he does, people take it fairly well.

 

[AnnieO]

My sig mentions husband is a disabled vet... He has been screamed at for taking a handicapped parking place even though he has a placard.

Just because the average person cannot see the damage done to his private parts doesn't mean said damage doesn't exist. And he only uses the placard on really bad days... Probably 10 days a year.

I've had a couple of older people at work who tell me I should have made Onyxx go live with bio. "If she treats you that way she deserves to get abused". (REALLY LADY?!) This is the woman who volunteers at a DV shelter. I refuse to speak to her about Onyxx anymore.

 

[Nancy]

Thanks Susie, I am honored that something I said made an impact on you.

Nancy

 

[Star*]

That needs to be printed out and put on a plaque or something - BRILLIANT! - THanks Nancy! and Thanks SUsie for sharing it's wisdom with us all!

 

[hearts and roses]

My ex-mother in law used to give me sideways glances along with a parenting tips....grrr...drove me crazy. One day I turned to her and said, over my shoulder walking away, "You had your turn, now it's mine". AKA "You didn't do such a stellar job, lady, so it will be a cold day in hell before I take any parenting advice from YOU!" LOL

 

[recoveringenabler]

Along those same lines, I once had a boyfriend whose Mother just couldn't stand me (in my early 30's) My daughter called her the face of judgment, she really had one of those pinched faces people get when smiles aren't all that common! One day I got so tired of her constant judgment and criticism, I said, "you know, there is a huge difference between judging and accepting and if you cannot accept me, then please stop judging me." Of course, she was insulted and argued that she accepted me, (what BS) but after that, since I had called her on her judgment, she kept her pinched mouth shut!

 

[klmno]

I used to have a friend who said once her kid was making a scene in a store and some woman commented on how she should do ABC and "she knew what she was talking about because she'd raised six kids" and my friend's husband replied "well you haven't raised this one". I always liked that comeback.

I hate the sterotyping. The whole thing is that our difficult children don't fit the typical mold and typical parenting won't solvee the problem.

 

[Nancy]

I like all the comebacks. However, what the real meaning behind that statement is far more than people looking down on our style of parenting. It is an answer or should I say a rebuttal to those who preach about birth control and abortion and health care without regard to the difficult child's that we adopt and are rsponsible for and end up only babysitting for until they enter the system another way, via jail or many times death, because there is no way we can counteract the demons that they are born with. So until those people are ready to take the downtroden and the ones who were born to addicted moms they should stop preaching

Nancy

 

[Star*]

Mother Bears speak from the heart......always. But when you get a Happy meal? It's a TRUE Mom that will be loving, defensive and outspoken!

 

[ctmom05]

Our youngest is in prison; 25 years suspended after 15. I've had folks ask me various things - about him, about having a incarcerated family member, all kinds of related things.

I tend to temper my response based upon who is asking and how they're doing it. I have a similar outlook on sharing health info; I've been treated several times for cancer .. .. .. folks tend to ask stuff.