Walked out of my life

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dlgallant, May 7, 2007.

  1. dlgallant

    dlgallant New Member

    My beautiful but troubled daughter and I spent wonderful day on her 18th birthday. We spent the whole day together, getting our hair done, shopping, talking, laughing. She borrowed my car that night to go the movies with friends. That was over a month ago and I haven't seen her since. I received 1 text message asking for her car (which she hadn't finished paying me for yet) and then a phone call telling me she was coming to see me. Then I never heard from her again. My oldest son passed away weeks before his 20th birthday. That was 8 years ago. I nearly died with grief. He was an incredible young man. Now to have my youngest turn her back on her entire family has torn my heart out all over again. If it wasn't for my other daughter and her wonderful fiance I don't think I would survive. I just wish I could understand. She was 1 month away from graduating high school, taking a college class and doing wonderful in it, captain of the varsity volleyball team. And she just walked away. She was supposed to be her sister's maid of honor in 2 weeks. Now she never wants to see any of her family again.

    My minister keeps telling me I will get through this. But it really feels like God has just piled on too much. I had another death in the family this weekend, and my awol daughter's friends have been harassing me. One sent a barrage of threats via text msg. And my beloved boxer who helped me keep my sanity was killed today. I miss my kids arms around me and my dogs slobery kisses. I'm trying to move on with my life but the grief is just too much right now. Except for her sudden pretending to be a serious drug addict she was a delightful child. We got along well, no fights over loud music, or helping around the house, nothing. I just can't comprehend where he sudden hatred came from. It's like the daughter I knew just stopped existing. Any advice anyone can give on how to move on would be greatly appreciated. I don't think my heart will ever heal.
     
  2. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Hi dlgallant

    Besides painful, this must be a very confusing time for you. It's amazing how distorted some of our kids' thinking gets. I'm thinking your daughter will find her way back to you and her family.

    I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your son. I can't imagine a greater loss than the loss of a child.

    So many losses. You more than have a plateful with the loss of your pup and yet another family member, and then the extra garbage. It's more than understandable that you're feeling so much saddness and grief.

    I just wanted to let you know that at this late hour, there's someone out there sending you a shoulder to lean on and praying that come morning, things will look a little brighter for you.
     
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hi dlgallant, and welcome.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. Can you tell us more about her?

    You mentioned this "sudden pretending to be a serious drug addict"---when did that happen? Anything leading up to it? Has she ever been diagnosed with any kind of mental illness, learning disability, social problems?

    I think it's very early to think you can "move on" yet. You must be overwhelmed with grief and confusion and hurt that needs to be addressed first.

    I'm glad you found us.

    Suz
     
  4. dlgallant

    dlgallant New Member

    The roots of her behavior started years ago. and not 1 thing sets it off. An abusive father, the loss of an older brother, the victim of a sexual assault. After years of supervised visitation her father won unrestricted visitation from ages 11-16. He did a lot of damage in that time. at age 13 he made a false report to the police that she was a heroine addict and dealer. The police descended on the school, removed her searched her locker. The entire school was buzzing that the "Ruth Award" winner (the student at the school with the most character) was being accused of drugs. While she was mortified and it was all completely disproven, it seemed to have planted the seed that this is a way to get attention. She also completely lost confidence in the legal system and couldn't understand why they wouldn't protect her from him. And at some level she lost confidence in my ability as a parent to protect her.

    This coupled with developing a defense mechanism to runaway when life gets too overwhelming and you have my daughter. Between 15 - 16 she ran away 3 times, all when things were going on she didn't want to deal with. Approaching her 18 birthday I became very concerned because she began not being where she was supposed to be and I would find out stories she'd tell people. That she had been in jail, re-hab, I had been in mail, I was mistreating her. I tried talking to her and told her my concerns but unfortunately counseling wasn't much of an option. The family courts ordered her to stop going to her counselor and go to a court appointed one that would support reunification with her father. They also ordered the counselor had to report to the court. Alyssa had no privacy and therefore would not risk opening up to be exposed to the world. And quite frankly I don't blame her. If I could have afforderd not to use insurance I would have taken her somewhere and paid cash. She and I had an agreement that after her 18 birthday she would go back to her counselor. But she took off and never looked back. Until maybe now. I woke up to a message on my cell that someone was bringing her to see me today. My fingers are crossed. I fear the longer she lives in this fake world and hanging around with real drug users that she will eventually become a part of that world.
     
  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I hope she really comes to see you today and I pray for both of you that she hasn't gotten into the world of drugs. That is a world I don't wish on anyone as I have lived it with my son for the past few years.

    I agree with Suz that it is to early for you to move on. You need time to grieve over these changes in your daughter and who you thought she was. it's not an easy process and after the loss of a son, it will be even harder for you. Do you get any kind of counseling yourself?? It sounds like you really need to talk to someone to help you through this mess.

    Please let us know if she comes to visit.
     
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I mentioned this once before, and I think it bears repeating. Al-anon is a great place for you to start. This can help you deal with the issues you are currently facing with your daughter.

    I am so sorry for your recent losses. Grieving is a long process, as you well know. There are other boards online (dealing with death and loss) that you may want to explore.

    Good to hear that you have a relationship with your minister. You said it felt like God has piled on too much. God did not deal you this hand, life did. And yes, somethimes life is just not fair. The saying is "There is nothing that life can give me that I cannot handle with God's help". It is often said incorrectly: "God won't give me more than I can handle". That is putting it all on God. Life is what it is. But if you HAVE God in your life, you can deal with whatever life throws at you.

    Prayers being sent your way.
     
  7. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member


    When I was in the most pain, Suz suggested that I read the Serenity Prayer until I got it.

    Then, she wrote it out and posted it for me.

    I read it til I got it and it helped me. Especially in the night when I would lie awake horrified and terrified and guilt ridden and alone ~ that is when it helped me most.

    So, here it is for you.

    Read it, as Suz told me, until you get it.

    It will help.

    *************************

    God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    the Courage to change the things I can,
    and the Wisdom to know the difference.

    ************************

    Like those who have responded before me, I am glad you found us.

    We have been where you are and survived.

    So, it's possible. (I always wondered whether I would ever be able to stand up again ~ what happened was such a devastation. But here I am, like that old song says, still standing. You will be able to stand up again, too.)

    Welcome to the site.

    You are not alone with any of this, anymore.

    At the bottom of my posts is the address of the detachment site. Please explore that site when you have time. That was also very helpful to me, and to so many of us here.

    Barbara
     
  8. dlgallant

    dlgallant New Member

    You are both so right. I know in my heart God is not doing this to me, he is grieving with me. It sometimes feels as if I'm being punished. Reaching out for help is not something I've ever been able to do in my life. I have no problem asking for assistance in getting my daughter help, but I can't seem to do it for myself. At least I did have the insight to realize that I am on an emotional tightrope and reached out to my minister. Which was really not easy for me to do. She is a wonderful and wise woman, but not especially nurturing. But she has been nudging me to reach out. She urged me to find a a good group online if I didn't feel comfortable talking to people yet. But she's not stopped encouraging the person to person contact. She is looking for local support group times for me, and offered to help find a good counselor.

    I was really unsure about this group but I can't believe the support I've received. I am staggered by the number of members, it saddens me that so many kids and families are in such pain out there. But on the other hand I'm comforted that so many people have come together to support each other. Many people view my daughter as "no good" for what she's done and they can't understand that she just can't cope and is in pain. That doesn't excuse her behavior, she has a strong support system at home and won't take advantage of it. I've only recently come to the realization that no matter how many times I told her I was here for her, I set the example of not reaching out for help when I needed it. I plan to correct that, for my daughter and myself.

    I also wanted to say that I not only appreciate the support and comfort, I appreciate the advice and candor. Please, don't anyone every feel the need to hold back with me. I always appreciate honesty when it comes from genuine concern.

    Debbie
     
  9. MrsMcNear46

    MrsMcNear46 New Member

    Debbie-

    I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers. God will not give you more that you can handle, but sometimes that means accepting help from others to handle it.

    This site has been a blessing to me for the last 6 years. The wonderful people on the site helped me thru some of the darkest days I had with my daughter and I don't know how I'd have gotten thru without them. Just knowing they were there to give me adivise and support when I didn't seem to know what to do, helped me tremendously, so keep posting.

    Blessings,

    Mrs. McNear
     
  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Ah Yes, the serenity prayer. That has gotten many of us through many a rough night here. I know myself there have been several nights over the past couple of years that I would not have had a minutes sleep if I hadn't gone to bed reciting it over and over again in my head. You would be amazed when you really think about the words and how it applies to your individual situation, just how much strength and peace it can give you.

    That prayer taught me to accept that my son was a drug addict and that I could not change that, only he could. It gave me the courage to change myself and what I needed to do to get myself and the rest of my family through it, and by doing those things it taught me how to know the difference between what I had control over, and what I didn't.

    It's such a simple prayer, but amazing!!
     
  11. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    <span style='font-family: Comic Sans MS'>Just adding my support and happy to see the Serenity Prayer, it has become my "mantra". You just have to become aware that YOU can only control your behavior, not others....

    So do take care of yourself, then when asked you can help take care of others....

    We are here for you....</span>

    :flower:
     
  12. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    Debbie,
    I am so sorry you are grieving. I had a boxer when I was a kid. she lived 14 yrs so she was with me from age 3 to 17. she was amazing and I miss her still at times.

    my son was a runner too. he would leave the safety of home from a young age and disappear. it got longer and longer days as he got older.

    he is 23 now and still a problem, but I know where he is even though sometimes that is small comfort.

    I hope you are able to somehow cope with this. there are days we all run out of steam. I do have to say I got a lot of strength back when from the "boundaries" book by townsend and cloud.

    Janet
     
  13. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    forgot to mention, my first son died as well. I am lately dealing with the angry thought of "wasnt that enough pain"? I almost drove my car into a telephone pole the next month...on purpose, thinking that would take away the pain. I had forgotten about that (it happened in 1974) until the other day when my alcoholic son was mugged at gunpoint..his fault for being drunk and in a dangerous situation. my words to him were "when is this going to end??? when one of us is dead??" then I recalled that day.

    hope today is a better one for you. for me, I am resigned to the fact that I cannot save anyone least of all an adult who refuses my help. all I can do is live my life. pray and hope for the best.
     
  14. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Debbie,

    Keep opening up. You know, I don't feel very comfortable talking to people face to face either. I would bet that I am not the only other one in the group who feels this way. But keep talking about what is bothering you.
    If someone has wisdom, experience, or advice, they will share it. If not, we all have shoulders to lean on.
    And nobody will judge your child.

    Glad to have you here.
     
  15. dlgallant

    dlgallant New Member

    Yet another day spent waiting. After receiving the txt msg this morning that my daughter was coming to see me, I received another saying she was going to call me at noon. At 1 I received a message that they guy who has gained all of her decision making abilities had decided that she was too stressed and need to sleep and that he thought a talking to me would be too much so he might have her txt msg me later. Of course I've still heard nothing. It drives me nuts that I have to put up with him to even have a chance to ever see my daughter again. It appears he's starting his own little cult. My daughter is the 2nd emotional troubled young woman in his home. He completely controls them. It's scary because he has threatened me and says that he will never let Alyssa go and will do whatever it takes. Her problems are worry enough, but knowing she's with someone manipulating and taking advantage of her problems makes me feel even more helpless.
     
  16. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    i think it is time to call the police and let them anonymously check this out.
     
  17. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. I, too, lost a son when he was seventeen. That grief is enough to think you've paid your dues forever, but it doesn't work that way. We adopted a baby and he's my difficult child who's eleven. I cringe at what the future could hold for him, but I try and try and try to make a difference before I can no longer do so. Right now, I think you're grieving the loss of a daughter, too. That loss is very real, though not quite the same as losing your son.

    You know, there's not a whole lot you can do now that she's eighteen. I can only imagine lying awake at night worrying what's happened to her and if she's cold or lonely. You sound like a wonderful mother.......I'm not a gambler, but I bet she comes home.
     
  18. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    don't have any words of wisdom, but I can offer you some "virtual" slobber kisses from my two boxer boys.
     
  19. catwoman

    catwoman New Member

    I'm sorry for your pain. Keep coming here, it's a wonderful, safe place.
     
  20. dlgallant

    dlgallant New Member

    I could really use the virtual slobber kisses. I have had many dogs in my life, but none as much a part of the family as our boxer. She gave me so much comfort. But the good news is I did get to finally see my daughter for a little bit at 10:30 tonight. I was finally able to get her a message that our dog had died. She must still has some fight in her because she was able to convince Andrew to bring her to see me. He did not want to leave her side and tried to control everything she said. But I did get to see her. My husband was able to run a little interference and give me some time alone with my daughter. She's agreed to go back into counseling but Andrew was insistent he had to take her. She also wanted to rejoin her softball team. Andrew was going to "allow" her to go when he was available to take her. I told him that wasn't a problem, I'd be happy to take her. I just keep telling myself baby steps. She's starting to assert herself and hopefully she'll follow through on the counseling. She asked me to make the appointment tomorrow. I'm going to try and schedule them to conflict with Andrew's 2nd shift work schedule. She's a long way from safety, but for the first time I have some hope. Thanks to everyone for the encouragement. I really was ready to accept that I had lost her forever.
     
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