Walking Away

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by April, Dec 10, 2007.

  1. April

    April New Member

    Hello all, here is the latest update from me and mine.

    We hit a major turning point this weekend. Our son is angry, violent, belligerent, nast, vindictive and mean all of the time now. We can't get his medications regulated on the once a month psychiatrist visits the case managers are allowing. They refuse to allow us to get him the additional care he needs (the psychologist and psychiatrist have both reccommended some sort of inpatient care) :grrr:

    He is a danger to himself, us, his sister, and everyone/thing in our home. :devil:

    I know that you all understand, and this forum has been a big part of what has kept me going this long.

    husband and I decided that we don't have the help he needs in our home,and with them not allowing us to get additional help, they are trying to endanger us all. We told the case managers to make arrangements to remove the kids after the holidays. :sad:

    The saddest part in all this is that they refuse to see the danger he poses to his sister, and they will remove her too! :crying:

    I feel like I have failed them, because I know how this will play out...and these to kids are going to get lost in the system because the case managers are going to do the same thing to the next home...with hold vital info, and set them up for another failure and then the terror will begin all over again!

    I am so fuming angry at them for putting us in this position, and not giving us all the tools we needed to make this work. :grrr:

    We are so soured to the system right now that we don't even know if we have it in us to try again!

    You all have been a wonderful help. I applaud each and every one of you! :bravo:
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, dear. I am so sorry. You do sound like you're at the end of your rope.
    I'm not sure how you fit into the system where both kids have to be removed. Your bio says they're your daughter and son, but not that they're foster kids. I'm a bit confused.
    Still, your son does sound like he needs professional help. I hope he goes to a hospital and treatment facility and not just a private home.
    There must be some legal recourse you can take to make sure they get the help they need.
  3. April

    April New Member


    they are still foster kids, we were in the process of adopting them.

    He does need help, they won't allow him to go to a hospital/Residential Treatment Center (RTC)...they will just set them/him into a private home and cross their fingers like they did with us...it stinks

    We have no legal recourse...all of the people that can help don't care...it is out of our hands.

    Thanks for the hugs they are much needed!
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I am guessing that you all are in the foster/adopt category and
    the "system" did not provide you with complete information about the children initially AND refuses to spend the money to get
    the help that the professionals say is needed. Further, I assume
    they are determined to "keep the siblings together".

    If all the above is accurate, I can only send caring thoughts and
    cyber hugs to your family. As a child advocate I often found this same mindset in Florida. Sometimes as a GAL I could get
    a Judge who would side with me and go against DCF's plan for the
    protection of the child...not often enough, however.

    I'm sorry. DDD
  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm so sorry. Sometimes it really is in the best interests of the children to split siblings. Talk to a supevisor (the higher the better) at DCF. Explain everything you've discovered and observed, especially how the boy is a danger to his sister. Someone may actually listen and be willing to let you keep the girl. I do know of one case that was very similar to yours where that worked. If you can, find some foster parents who have been doing it a long time. They know the ins and outs and may have some advice to help you in this.

    It is easy to get soured on the system. Too much information is kept from potential adoptive parents. Too little services are given.

  6. slsh

    slsh member since 1999


    I can only send warm thoughts your way. I'm so sorry and really disgusted that the system lets kids and families down this way. It's an incredibly short-sighted way to handle things on their part.

    You have my support and good wishes.
  7. April

    April New Member

    DDD, you are exactly correct!

    Meowbunny, we have taken it all the way to the state director...their opinion is that it is my husbands fault (it isn't) and that their first failed placement isn't an indicator of future placements...how wrong they are. They blame husband because he has been protecting himself (restraining James, not allowing him to hit others or trash the house etc)...most of James' anger is directed at husband, and his sister...when husband isn't available...and me only as a last resort
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Before I let go of my rope - I would try EMDR and hypnosis.

    Tying a knot in your rope for good measure -

  9. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am sorry this had to come to such a heartbreaking end. I do suggest you write a letter for each child's file. Carbon copy everyone you can think of. That way they will have to actually put it in the file. This way if another foster family asks for it, they will have to share it.

    The system is broken. It isn't fair. Too many hearts break.

  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The system doesn't do anything right or by the book. Sadly, we are the ones who were told that our sexually abusive son (one we adopted from NJ) was a "good child with cognitive delays." With our autistic son we were told he had ADHD and we just waited to adopt him to get him more help. But we had our own insane social worker who tried to take him away from us. I wonder where they get these social workers. This one admitted that Lucas was doing great with us and that he was attached to us, but she was angry that we had adopted a baby privately without their permission. They tried to remove him because "he needs to be the youngest child in the house." Only his DCFS worker interceded or he'd have been gone. Now he is fourteen and his sister is eleven. They are very close, and Lucas (gasp) has made enormous progress even though he's not the youngest in the family. The system :censored2:. My recommendation, if you truly want to adopt, is to get an infant (it's a lot easier to raise a child from birth) and adopt overseas from an asian country (they take good care of their babies). I don't know if you have the money to do it--it was expensive when we did it, it's worse now--but in my opinion foster care is a very difficult way to adopt and usually the kids are really messed up. So many of the foster kids, even infants, are drug/alcohol exposed. Sending hugs and prayers in your direction. Hopefully they will allow you to keep the girl. It does not sound good for her to be with her brother, however I know that you can't fight the system. It's impossible. Really sad, I'm sorry.
  11. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    So sorry you are having to make this choice. You will be in my thoughts.

  12. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    You know what burns me up? If this were a child that was not in the custody of DFS and the parents were not following doctor's recommendations and because so the child was placing his/herself and others in danger, the parents would be investigated and in trouble and the child possibly removed from the home BY DFS. But, it's ok for DFS to look the other way. That just has me fuming! :grrr:

    I'm so sorry it has come to this. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

  13. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    April, I'm so sorry.

    Sending caring thoughts and hugs your way.
  14. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member


    I know nothing of the foster care system but I hope everything works out for the best. I know how tired you are but is it anyway possible for you to take this to court to override the system with getting him help or atleast getting to keep the sister or getting them split up.
  15. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I wish I had some advice or answers for you.

    ((((hugs))) for your hurting mommy heart.
  16. Just keep swimming

    Just keep swimming New Member

    In our situation, our 10 yo daughter was adopted privately, an open adoption, with all the info "on the table". NOT!!! Bio mom lied about everything and anything so that a "rich California" family would adopt her baby and she could try to weasle us out of every penny we had.

    Now with our 3 yo, she was adopted from foster care, was also prenatally exposed and abused, but is only showing a few delays at this point and really has no behavior issues that a "normal" 3 yo wouldn't be showing.

    My point of all this, you never, ever know! Seems most social workers in CPS want to paint pretty pictures of darling siblings that "just need a loving home that they can feel is theirs forever". These kiddos have seen horrific things in their little lifetimes and there is no way to completely erase their abuse. But I have seen several sibling sets adopted by friends that are doing so well, under great parenting and lots and lots of support from friends and therapists. It can work!

    How long have you had them? Sorry, I don't know your story. The system is so difficult to maneuver. If you advocate too much, they think we are "Munchausin" (sp?) If we don't do enough, we are neglecting them. Ask for evaluations, well, what do we know? We are only with them 24/7, HELLO!! The system sets us up for a lose/lose situation.

    Can you find a CASA worker, someone appointed by the courts that can advocate for the kids (and you, if handled appropriately)? We had a wonderful CASA worker when they wanted to move our 3 yo due to a medical condition of our 10 yo. She advocated for us, loud and clear that a baby that has been with a family over 9 months has made huge attachments and that would only "abuse" her unnecisarily. Judge totally agreed with her.

    Anyways, sorry to ramble on like this. I just wish the system would allow us to work with them and not against them in situations as yours!!