Want to cover all bases

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by carolanne, Mar 4, 2007.

  1. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    Okay.....found out through the grapevine that gfgd was allowed to stay overnight at boyfriend's friday night(he's out on bail) and they spent sat shoplifting than last night she went AWOL from the home with another girl there....have also heard gfgd may be pregnant as she has been very very ill for two weeks and refuses to do a pregnancy test..

    Anyway, I know eventually the police will be back on my doorstep as I am legally responsible until she is 18 and will have to go to court when she is caught stealing(she's not a good thief).....as for the possibility of a grandchild...good lord :slap:

    So I guess what I am asking is what did you do when difficult child ended up in court? And how did you handle knowing a grandchild was coming?

    Because I know the minute the home realizes she is pregnant and that they really have done nothing but let a child run loose, they will want to dump her quickly..

  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good Lord! This home allowed her to stay out all nite long with this boy? How old is he? Can he be charged with having sex with a minor?

    The stealing part....here in my state, she would be tried as an adult at 17. You wouldnt have to go with her to court. If you do have to go with her there, I would tell them point blank that she ran away from home, was in this other place, they let her run loose and this is what transpired. You have no control over her. Maybe they can place her as an incorrigible teen.

    As far as if she is pregnant, that is a bit harder. She holds all the cards Im afraid. With her attitude and frame of mind, I would doubt that she will come to you for help. Even if she did, I would be afraid it would be a disaster. Are there homes for unwed mothers? Would she want to keep it? So many questions. Lets hope she isnt pregnant. Much as I love my grandkids this isnt what either of you need.
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Carolanne, don't you have restraining orders in place? Aren't you not speaking to the people at the place she is staying?

    How are you finding out this stuff with all of these protections in place? And how reliable is the info?

    To be honest, I think you are getting way ahead of yourself here. Even if what you think happened did happen, there are so many variables there is no sense getting all worked up about it yet.

  4. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    Carolanne, what kind of group home is she in, exactly? From some of your previous posts, I get the impression that this home is doing more harm than good. It seems to be the shady side, in my humble opinion. Can you file a complaint with whatever agency is in charge of the home?

    Also, I agree with Suz...try not to project what might happen---very often, our projections never come true.
  5. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    I am in full agreement with Suz and Alice Lee. One of the things husband and I had to learn was how NOT to be proactive. Until you know the situation fully, maintain your side of the restraining order. If your daughter is pregnant, you have a full six months ~ at least ~ before you need to decide what your role in her life, or in the life of your grandchild, will be.

    Now is a good time for you to remember the Serenity Prayer. When things are so impossibly hard and there are no answers and we just don't know where to turn or what to think or do, that is when it helps us most.

    Suz gave it to me once when I was truly at my wit's end. Her advice was that I read and reread it until I got it ~ until I could feel it working.

    Here it is, for you. As you read through it, remember that we all are here. You will not be going through whatever comes next alone.




  6. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    I too don't recommend seeking solutions or even possibilities to solutions until whatever happens....happens.

    Isn't your difficult child the one who signed herself into this group home and they won't give you any information?

    As difficult as it may be, keep your restraining order and just let things play out.

    There may be a home for unwed mothers that she can be sent to via whomever.
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I too suggest repeating that serenity prayer. I don't even know what to tell you to do if these rumors are true. I can't imagine you ever allowing her to come back home. I just can't get over this home and what they allow. Seems to me they need to be shut down.
  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    hi there. I have to say you sound addicted to your daughter, obsessed with her even when you have no control over her. it is time to let go.
    really let go
    seek help and counseling to move you along the path for your own sake.

    your daughter has poisoned others into believing the worst things about you. that is how she gets allies. she is probably tired of her own games. she may one day contact you to help her, but for now she still chooses to get sympathy from others.

    protect yourself.
  9. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    The way I obtained this info was that gfgd and her boyfriend were shoplifing in a grocery store where my friend works. She sent the boyfriend away with a chewing out and took gfgd to lunch where Jess talked for hours. She told my friend she went awol because she's sick and tired of the rules and having her allowance withheld because she won't do her chores, having priveleges taken away because of foul language..

    This woman is very reliable as we have been friends for close to 30 years now. She said Jess' appearance was very disturbing....total black with alice cooper makeup....my friend warned my daughter that if she ever comes back to shoplift she will have no choice but to call the police....she also tried to tell her that the store has had problems with her boyfriend before and is actually banned....she also told Jess that being on the streets isn't the answer...everyone has rules, even adults and she needs to figure her crap out....

    I am sticking to the restraining order like honey. I am disengaged as much as I can be but still worry and fret when I hear things like this. I am also the type of person who needs to have my ducks in a row "in case of's"...

    As for the grouphome she is in, yes, she signed herself in...it doesn't fall under any jurisdiction of the local children's aid society as it's privately run. I do know that I am not the first parent, nor the last, to be very frustrated with this place. In fact, there is a monthly meeting of parents of kids in this home as well as the boys' home around the corner....I am going to the meeting this Wed just to have contact with others who have kids there....you all have been very supportive of the ups and downs and helping to keep me grounded. I don't like when things are out of whack and you ladies have certainly helped me keep my sanity through this...

  10. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Carolanne, we don't get to be PE parents because we ate tea and crumpets in the afternoons. lol. I can't speak for the group, but I suspect that isn't any one among us who can't relate to your ups and downs and frustration. Each of us at some point has needed the group for support. We are happy to widen the circle to include you.

  11. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    Sorry but I don't see myself as obessing over gfgd. I don't want control over my kids...I am not the type of mom who feels good when able to dictate dress/moods/comings and goings/etc....all I want is a bit of a headsup when it comes to the junk she tries...you know, accusations against her dad for molesting that she recanted, the same accusations against me that were recanted, accusations recently made against my parents, accusations against five former boyfriends of rape that were recanted...you know all the lovely stuff that she can come up with to hurt the ones that love her.

    It's a tad bit un-nerving when the school calls and says she's skipped again do something about it....or a friend has run into her and she's run her mouth and insulted that friend....or what just happened, with the police knocking on my door not more than an hour ago asking if I knew where she was or had any idea where she could be as she was awol from the group home and me saying sorry I don't....

    See, I am the type of person who has three years of canned goods and bottled water just in case...I am the person who has a generator so that when the power goes out my neighbours know they welcomed in my home for heat and food and whatever...I need to feel prepared to feel safe...if that comes across as being obsessive....well than hey guess I am

  12. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Can I be your neighbor?? :smile:
    I know you just want to be prepared for the what if's. It's natural, but I don't see there is anything you can do for her, no matter what the what if's are. The only thing you could do, especially if she is pregnant is to give her a list of homes for unwed mothers, because she certainly isn't going to change and conform to your rules so that you can help and support her.

    Keep practicing that serenity prayer!! I know it got me through many a sleepless night.
  13. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    I think I'd like to be your neighbor too. There is absolutley nothing wrong with being prepared. There's alot of us control issue people and wannahaveacluers.

    Your difficult child seems to say things then recant. Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Sounds great, but not realistic. Actually though it can be if...one is working and supporting themselves. That's the key, if she's able to make it on her own and survive then you've done your best. If she wants to have a relationship with you afterwards...that's the icing.

    If she's pregnant, the home will find resources for her or ship her somewhere else. She may land in a shelter somewhere until a bed opens up somewhere. The trick is for you not to cave and let her back. She'll figure it out sooner or later that she has to toe the line in order to make it.

    It's just that some of our difficult child's are pokey and it takes them years to get where they need to be.

    Aren't you glad you found such a great group?
  14. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I think you should also prepare yourself by hardening your heart a bit. read the boundaries book by townsend and cloud.
    my son also had many people convinced I was evil.

    now look where he is, living here. hmmm

    that only happened after I cut him off for a long time while he lived as he pleased. while he did that I went to classes and read and went to counseling to prepare myself to be stronger.
  15. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Well, here is what I have to say about preparedness. I was the same kind of parent ~ I still am. I think every responsible parent is just that way, too. We try to steer a clear course. The difference between us and other parents though, is that our kids are not responding the way "normal" kids respond. I have thought about this issue alot, actually.

    Where did I go so wrong is the gist of that kind of thinking.

    What I have concluded is that I did nothing wrong. When things began to go wrong, I did all the classes, went into therapy, slipped into and then, took a header into, depression, and tried every way I knew to change my ways. But that did mot help our situation. NOTHING helped our situation. The difference there being that the same people who were taking my money to help put our family back on the right course ~ those same people disappeared when the course of treatment was over. Know what they said? Incorrigible, that's what they said.

    If I had not been so desperate to save my family? I swear, I would have demanded my money back.

    But I was desperate. there was no time for anything but to keep chasing and chasing, so I could learn what I needed to change about the way I was parenting to save my family.

    And what we are trying to help you understand, Carolanne, is that IT IS NOT YOU WHO IS DOING SOMETHING WRONG HERE.

    Your daughter is behaving in ways she was raised better than to do. Part of this is that when they get into a bad treatment situation, they try to one up one another as to who has had it worse. Those who love them are always the ones who are blamed, who are acused of terrible things in the heat of the moment. But someone is writing all this down, and the child is left either to admit she lied or at lest, stretched the truth, or stick to her guns.

    So, your daughter is being victimized.

    You cannot change that, as you have no control over what she is choosing to do at this point.

    But you can remember that she was raised to know better than to do what she is doing. You can understand that she is an adolescent, that she is confused, that she has fallen into a really bad situation through her own foolishness ~ and you can try to hang on to your own understanding that this is what adolescents do. They dramatize, they imagine, they see things from the strangest points of view imagineable.

    What each of us is trying to tell you Carolanne, is to be still.

    Be still, just for now, and watch.

    The best way you can help your child now is to be strong, yourself. She needs a stable point, a light, to fix her eye on so she will know what direction to go to come home again.

    Because the site is just words, the emotional component ~ the warmth of a smile or a hug ~ don't come through. So many of us have been just where you are now, Carolanne.

    No one is judging you, however judgmental our responses may sound.

    The solutions any of us come up with have been figured out in blood, sweat, tears, and loss.

    Sometimes, the clearest way to say a thing is just to say it.

    My heart aches for you, Carolanne. You are going through the worst, most painful part of what will turn out to be a very long journey right now. The reason this part is so hard, I think, is because we are in that part of the journey where we learn we have been betrayed. Our dreams for our children have gone all wrong.

    You need to be strong now, Carolanne.

    Every one of us has heard the things you are hearing, has watched our children slide into hell and been unable to stop them.

    We are helping you know how to survive it.

  16. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I agree with Barbara, and I won't even try to add to it.

    It is exactly as she said.

    We are all here to give you something to hang on to in this journey.

    TYLERFAN New Member


    When my difficult child ends up in court, I stand by her when I think she needs services whether it be drug treatment or whatever.
    When my daughter did something to me that was illegal, I called the police and pressed the charges.
    When my daughter told me she was pregnant at 20 and she didn't have a job but did have a drug program, she went into rehab and I supported her decision to have the baby. I now have residential and legal custody of my grandbaby.
    He is the light of our lives!!!!

  18. Jen

    Jen New Member

    Barb you couldnt have said it any nicer. I too come here to talk and at times I feel criticzed as if I were talking with a parent that has no concept of what our world is like. I think sometimes that is why I stay away at times. I feel we can all be supportive and advisable, but with-o making poster feel more guilty of themselves,the choices and the reasonings behind it.

    Carolanne, I am very much like the way you think also. It really isnt always fro wanting to protect and be the resucuer of our difficult child, rather we do what we do to protect ourselves, by planning and thinking ahead so the blow wont agian (time after time) be so difficult for ourselves. Unfortunately, we still die a little more everytime they pull their stunts no matter how prepared we try to be.

    I agree take a deep breath, slow down, cause this problem isnt going away anytime soon. It is just an added continuation of what we have all bee through the past so many yrs.

  19. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    Thank you.

    I know I wasn't being judged....again I felt I needed to justify what I was doing and thinking....something that is difficult for me to stop, been like this since I was a child...

    Everyone here has wisdom beyond what I could ever amass and sometimes I feel like this little kid who is stumbling around in the dark when I read how you all handle the crisis and whatall that goes along with our difficult child.

    I guess I am also resentful...because my life sure as heck didn't turn out the way it was supposed to....and I resent that I'm supposed to fix everyone and everything and leave myself on the backburner because there isn't anyone in my life to help me hold my pieces together....I didn't want the picket fence or perect family but I sure didn't sign up for a messed up husband or daughter either....

    I guess I just need to slow down as you all have said....and I will try, honestly I will....I just hope you don't mind the occasional obsessive post or crackup once in a while until I can get this all figured out...