War in my house at 2 am....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Oct 16, 2008.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Well, last night was complete and utter chaos in my house. My difficult child is making us all nuts!!! She called me at around 10 minutes to 1 and asked if I would leave the door unlocked until 1:30, she was walking home. (some of you know, I lock the door at 1, if she isn't home she gets locked out until the morning) So I said that would be fine. She comes storming in the door at 1:30 in the morning, making as much noise as humanly possible with no regard for the people in the house that are sleeping, nothing new really. She comes in completely disheveled (spelling?), scratches on her face, clothes and hair a mess. She is ranting and raving, cursing and slamming things about the house. I tell her to calm down and be quiet, everyone is sleeping. She tells me to shut the f**k up, "you don't know what just happened to me!!!" Oh great, I'm thinking what the hell happened now!!! Well, she had some guy, a gang member, walk her home and she must have done someting to tick him off because on the way home they get into a fist fight. The guy is calling her off the hook, threatening her and the rest of us, saying he is on the way to our house and he doesn't give a f**k about her family, we can get it too. GREAT, gang members on the way to my house. WONDERFUL!!!!!!! My husband gets up and at this point is so utterly fed up with her ****, he is furious. He said he had had enough, he is taking her little brother and leaving at the end of the month. He doesn't want to have his son in the middle of a gang war. Oh, did I forget to mention, she called her "boo", the other gang member, to come and fight for her. So, by now I am a nervous wreck. I am waiting for the gunshots at any moment. While we are all freaking out in the house, this guy who just fought my daughter called my house phone and began telling me to conrol my child, that she is crazy. She snatched the phone and hung up. I told her she had to go, we cannot live like this anymore. She is now bringing her risky choices and their consequences to my home. Enough is enough!!!! After a few choice words between the two of us she went to bed.

    I was so scared that these losers would end up at my door. I decided to call back the number that the kid who threatened us called from. I spoke to him, he sounded very nice and polite. He apologized for calling my house and said he would never do anything to hurt any of us. My daughter must have shown him her true colors. He said she is crazy, she needs help, she is running the streets hanging out with different guys who dont give a damn about her. He says he tries to talk sense into her but she is just too stubborn and ignorant. He says she is a compulsive liar and is going to end up in a situation she can't get herself out of. He says he would not do anything to hurt her or any of us. He said for me to leave her life in God's hands, he knew that we as a family had tried to help her but it would have to come from her at this point. He said he would pray for us and told me to have a good night. What??? A religious gang member??? He put my mind at ease and I finally did fall asleep at around 5 am.

    This kid is completely out of control, her illness is more prevelant now than ever. I see it more today than I ever have. People in the street can see it. I can only imagine the craziness she spews all about when she is out. She is going to mess with the wrong person one day and end up dead. I really fear that I will be at her funeral, she wont be at mine!!!! I am a total basket case today and am at my utter whits end. My husband now wants to leave with my son. I dont blame him, he wants what is best for his child. What else are we going to have to sacrifice for this damn kid? She swears she is so street smart, she really doesn't think anything bad will happen to her. I have told her a gazillion times that she is the company she keeps. If she keeps hanging out with these bums she will pay the price. Someone is going to end up killing her. She thinks nothing of punching someone in the face when she gets angry, gang member or not. She doesn't care. Her behavior is just so erratic and risky, I am so afraid I will get that phone call to come identify her body!!! At this point, there is nothing else I can do to save her from herself. I just have to sit back and watch her throw her life away and prepare myself for the worst. She is killing me. She couldn't care less what this is doing to the rest of us who love her. The saddest part for me is knowing that she is sick, she is very sick right now. My heart is broken, my soul aches and I am stressed out to the max!!! I love this kid dearly and I am so afraid for her. Every second of my life is consumed with worry. I wish I could just love the illness right out of her, kiss her boo boo and make it all better. I miss those days, the days when mommy could fix everything with a hug and some ice cream. :(

    Thanks for listening.
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am so sorry - what a nightmare. Your husband is correct to be concerned about your son. The other kids in the household are always deeper involved than we think. They keep tuned to everything.

    I think it is time for another assessment on difficult child. Does she have a psychiatrist to give another indepth assessment? Is there anyway she can be admitted to an acute care hospital to receive an assessment?

    I would think gang members as well as everyone in the community can really pick up on mental health issues. They know when someone is going along with their norm or is not with it.

    20/20, you could have taken her to ER last night. Next time she looses it, do take her to ER for an assessment.

    I hope you have been able to relax and get some sleep.
  3. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Shawna, are you in a position to call the police to have your difficult child taken to the ER for a psychiatric evaluation? Filing a CHINS or PINS petition?

    Your daughter is bringing danger right to your doorstep. I can see your husband's point in wanting to take your son and leave.

    From the looks of things, right now it doesn't seem like your daughter is willing to get evaluated or accept medical help. So, your focus needs to be on protecting your family and yourself from the possible consequences of difficult child's very bad choices.

    Next time she plans on staying out past lock-down, tell her that she knows the rules and the door will not be open after 1:00 am. You might want to consider changing the locks, installing alarms if you haven't already, making sure the windows have proper locks etc.

    I don't know the process for filing a PINS or CHINS, but it's worth looking into and might protect you from liability if your daughter continues to run wild.

    I'm so sorry that you're continuing to have to deal with this. Keep strong, try your best not to engage difficult child especially when she's ranting like she was this morning. If you have to, phone the police.

    Sending big hugs, and saying prayers...
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Oh man.............my heart aches for you. This is horrible. HORRIBLE.

    in my opinion you have to get the legal system involved in filing a CHINS so that the state takes over the care for her. She is endangering not just herself, and your family, but other innocent people that she runs the street with. There has to be a legal entity that is going to step in and take over here, to help everyone stay protected, and you cannot do it if she is still in your guardianship.

    I think to get a CHINS you need to call your local social services agency, but I am not totally sure.

    What are her diagnosis, again? I know she has been spitting out her medications or refusing to take them ~ and in doing so she might be creating more of a mental rollercoaster ride than even without the medications. You might just consider d/c the medications if she is only taking them 50/50.

    So many, many hugs. I am so sorry. You are in my prayers.
  5. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Bran - does not sound like a great night. I'm sorry! At least the young man you called back was rational and reasonable.

    Remind me.... why is her curfew 1:00? And what does she do during the days (job, school)?

    This is just my opinion but I'd seriously change the curfew time - not because of difficult child but because of the rest of the family. You all have the right to get a decent night's sleep. It is not about her, and your family life needs to stop accommodating her. Doors get locked at 10 p.m. and phone gets turned off. Period.

    I understand your fears, more than you know. Things are in a sorry state when you feel like you will have been truly blessed if the worst thing that happens to your kid is he gets arrested - which is where I'm at right now. Any phone call after 9:00 p.m. literally makes my heart skip a beat because I'm just waiting for the bad news, you know?

    I find it incredibly frustrating, after years of being a halfway decent advocate, to be completely sabotaged by my own kid's efforts at avoiding everything. It's like talking to a rock. The path I see him going down can have no good end. Trying to make him understand that is absolutely impossible because his thought processes are so completely fouled up - there's very little logic (if any) to his thinking and that is compounded by this ridiculously enormous gradiose component. He knows it all, can do it all, blah blah blah, when in *fact* he doesn't do *anything* and continues to place himself in some really unsafe situations.

    It's the ultimate and most frustrating Catch-22 of mental illness. Our kids have the "right" of self-determination, the right to refuse treatment, yet by any reasonable standard they are far too ill to exercise that right in any practical manner. And there isn't a doggone thing we as parents can do.

    I'm so very sorry. I hope that you and husband are able to work out something to keep the family intact.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well that call didnt sound like any mean gang member...lol. I think she is manipulating you in true borderline fashion.

    I agree with Sue in lowering that curfew. She isnt 18 and 1 is too late for school nights. It isnt like she is working the midnight shift at a factory. Then I could see a 1pm so she had time to get home.

    At this point, it is completely in her hands and time for you to bunker down. It is going to get very nasty. Every time she so much as verbally threatens or assaults you...call her on it. Charge her. If she causes damage in the house...charge her. Runs away...call her in. Eventually she will either get placed in juvy or become a complete runaway and there are places for them in the city. I actually stayed at one of them for a short period of time in NYC.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Bran, I'd be eating an entire tub of ice cream by myself right now!

    I agree with-Sue and Janet. Change the curfew time to something you can live with, like 10 p.m. And enforce it.
    That kid on the phone sounded like a cool guy. I'd keep his # in case your difficult child disappears at some point. It will be nice to have a point of contact.

    I feel for you. It's going to be rough but you have to take back your life.

    You need sleep. I hope tonight is much better.
  8. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    I have to agree with Janet. I am also in NY state and we had a PINS on my difficult child 1. I would have a curfew of around 10pm and then when she doesn't come home you have to report her missing to the police. When my difficult child was 17 she was spending most of her time in our downtown area with the homeless and drugging kids. The only thing I could do was keep reporting her missing and letting her hang herself so to speak. I had warned her about the consequences--that according to NY law I had to know where she was and had to report her missing if I didn't know where she was or she did not have permission to be gone from the house. It took awhile for the consequences to finally hit, but eventually the police realized we were parents who cared and they began actively looking for her and picked her up and took her to the juvie. She was then court ordered to attend a dual rehab facility over by Poughkeepsie.

    I did not get emotional, I simply told her what would eventually happen if she continued her behavior. With a PINS she had a probation officer whom she had to report to and whom I reported to. She disobeyed every single part of her contract with the probation officer--that speeded things up!

    You really do need to get family court or someone involved here. You are not able to keep her safe. That is what got us the PINS--it was obvious we were good, caring parents but we could not keep our dtr safe.

  9. Pookybear66

    Pookybear66 New Member

    Bran-I'm sorry you are going through this. I agree with everyone else that 1am is a bit late and maybe should be scrolled back for the sake of the rest of the family. I also agree to keeping that kids #. He sounds like a good contact person. I wonder if there is not some 1/2 way house or some alternate arrangement she could be in. I probably said this in past posts, but she does not sound like she will "get it" by people talking to her. She will have to go out and face the real world herself and learn the hard way.

    I'm sure that although that will be extremely difficult for you it will be the best for your family. I hope this sounds supportive as it is meant to be. Hugs to you and your family.
  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh yuck! What a night, one I hope is never repeated. I agree the curfew needs to be earlier. Wish I had some good advice but am sending prayer and gentle hugs your way.
  11. Feeling Helpless

    Feeling Helpless Oldie but Goodie

    I am so sorry that your family is going through this. I am a newbie here and also looking for answers. My difficult child is only 7 but has threatened to kill a little boy at school. I am so afraid if I do not do something now that my difficult child will be acting the same way when he is at that age.

    I agree with the others, curfew should be earlier and then maybe if she behaved then on the weekends she could stay out later. Is she still in school or does she work? We can only do so much for our children. At that age they have to learn they can not do whatever they want without consequences.

    I know you probably feel torn. On one hand you just want to hug them and make everything better but on the other hand you want to strangle them. I agree that you have to protect the rest of your family.

    Hugs and prayers go out to your family. It never hurts to say a little prayer. I will say one for your family.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    She has been doing this for a long time. At least since before you came here in June. It is time to 1. Change the curfew to 10pm or whatever time you and husband go to bed. 2. Get the dang PINS petition filed. 3. Get the cops involved.

    You simply MUST get tough on this - NOT emotional yelling and screaming, just calm, here is how it is, this is what I will do, period. Do NOT extend curfew for ANY reason. Call the cops every single time she is violent at home, misses curfew, disappears (can't remember if she has done this), is drunk or high, you find alcohol or drugs on her.

    You have a 7 year old son. How great an example are you setting when you let her interrupt his sleep, turn his home into a war zone, damage his home, etc.... She is setting him up for major anxiety and PTSD problems, as well as showing him that HE can treat you like this also. I know whereof I speak - Wiz made Jessie's life a living hades, adn until I hospitalized him I, yes I, was not doing a great job of parenting ehr or thank you. You simply MUST get the legal system involved. While it seems mean, it may save her life, your or your husband's life, or your SON'S life.

    Tomorrow, while she is gone, go through EVERYTHING in HER room AND in your son's room. It is CLASSIC to hide stuff in the "good" kid's room so the parents won't find it. The difficult child scares the good kid so he won't tell.

    Then put locks on your son's door, so he can lock her out, on your door, and on ANY door that you can to keep her in her room or the living room and kitchen, period.

    Go and get a personal alarm for your son. That way if he is in danger by her or her friends he can sound the alarm and you can KNOW that he needs help. been there done that there too.

    I am sorry if this sounds harsh. It isn't meant to be, just to state the facts as baldly as possible. You have a lot to do. It won't be fun. But you MUST do it, because otherwise you will have to resign yourself to a lot more of this.

    (((gentle hugs)))
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    It is CLASSIC to hide stuff in the "good" kid's room so the parents won't find it. The difficult child scares the good kid so he won't tell.

    Oooh, hadn't thought of that.

    How's it going, Bran?
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Bran, how is everything going? I hope I didn't sound too harsh, I just wanted to pointout some things you might not have thought of. Some of it comes from a dad who taught Jr High in really really rough areas (gang infested and more). I remember lots of the things he told us about what the kids would do to their families.

    I AM sorry your daughter is so sick, and so terribly unwilling to take her medications regularly and do any therapy.


  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Here is the legal definition of Assault: A crime that occurs when one person tries to physically harm another in a way that makes the person under attack feel immediately threatened. Actual physical contact is not necessary; threatening gestures that would alarm any reasonable person can constitute an assault.

    There is also Communicating threats as a charge. Cory got found guilty of this one for simply saying "I ought to kill your damn dog for biting my baby!"

    There are tons of other charges out there...criminal mischief, disorderly conduct, damage to property, etc.
  16. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am so sorry. Sometimes we have to think of ourselves and the rest of our families well being. As well as the unstable *child*.
    I would be looking into other options like the others have said. Lowering her curfew also... so she knows things are changing.
  17. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Bran, you've gotten some good advice...adding my prayers and hugs.
  18. Bran, I am so sorry you are having such problems. Sending major hugs to you.
  19. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    You've gotten good advice already; I'm just sending you gentle hugs.

    My youngest child is 12 now and she is acting out because I wasn't able to contain the older ones' nonsense early enough. Do this for your seven year old as well as the 17 year old.
  20. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    RD makes a VERY good point. My little guy is starting to show some behaviour and anxiety problems, because of the stress and trauma he had to deal with before we got difficult child out of the house.

    You deserve to have a safe and peaceful home, for your sake and that of your son and husband.