War Zone

[ML]

husband is taking care of manster as he's on spring break. After two days I think he's ready to leave us. He's convinced manster has no "disorders" and that I just make excuses for the fact that he is a spoiled rotten brat. Manster has been acting out and testing husband's authority. He calls me hysterically crying that husband is being mean to him. husband is just setting limits and getting more and more frustrated as the day goes on. I am totally backing husband up and telling manster he's in charge and he has to comply with the rules. But of course this is a new routine and you know how well our kids do with that.

husband told me "he's done" and doesn't care any more. I can't live by those threats. Maybe husband can't handle difficult child. I can't afford to have manster go to daycare right now that husband isn't working.

I don't know what to do. husband stormed out of here angry on his way to an AA meeting. I don't know how to fix this.

Does anyone have any ideas to save my marriage or at the least husband's sobriety?

This is ugly.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, dear.
Well, at least he's going to AA.
You're in a tight spot.
I've done the same thing your husband has done, but then, I've had a lot more hours under my belt while husband is at work, and husband knows I've done therapy, projects, homework, games, everything I can think of with-difficult child. Not so sure your husband has put in that effort on a daily basis.
Can you get some quiet time to talk to husband once he's calmed down, and help him come up with-a plan for difficult child that is reasonable? Obviously, you and husband have different parenting styles, not to mention different fuse lengths.
What about having a friend or two over, and then getting other parents to return the favor? That would give your husband some time off.
Wish I could be of more help!

 

[tiredmommy]

Call his sponsor and make sure he knows what's going on. husband is under a great deal of stress and I'm sure he's having more than a little trouble adjusting to his new routine too. Is there anyone nearby that can help husband out this week by taking manster for part of each day?

 

[klmno]

I think Terry has some good ideas that maybe you and husband can expand upon. I have to say that after what I've dealt with in my difficult child, I am now convinced that maybe I was "conditioned" into going too far in the sympathetic direction with my son because I thought others were being too severe and going too far in the discipline direction in the past- and now I think the truth is in the middle, so to speak. That doesn't mean that it's the answer for all our difficult child's, of course, or even that we have the answer for mine yet. It sounds to me like you and husband need a little time alone to reconnect and another time set aside to compromise on how to work with Manster- in a way that's in the middle and you both can live with it. And there might be a little residual effect from husband feeling like "ok, if Manster gets grown up then what is the difference between the way you feel about him and the way he felt about his son living with you two". I'm not saying it IS the same situation, just that husband might be feeling like it is.

Blended families are hard, at best. ((HUGS))

 

[ML]

I would support husband's approach and agree that it would be good for manster to toughen up. But if husband can't at least acknolwedge manster does have some special needs and at least consider picking his battles instead of making everything into a power struggle to establish authority I just don't see it having a good outcome.

Also, if husband can't figure out the difference between an 11 year old boy and a 27 year old man that's his problem. I put up with that situation as long as anyone would have. I guess I need to let husband know if he can't handle it, he needs to find the door. I can't try to convince him on a daily basis to stick around and do rounds with a difficult child. I don't blame him if he wants to go. It has to be his choice. I don't have the option of leaving.

ML

 

[KTMom91]

Many hugs, ML. I understand the War Zone feeling all too well.

 

[klmno]

I would support husband's approach and agree that it would be good for manster to toughen up. But if husband can't at least acknolwedge manster does have some special needs and at least consider picking his battles instead of making everything into a power struggle to establish authority I just don't see it having a good outcome.

I agree with that- and Manster, nor any child, is going to "get there" in one week. Your husband definitely needs to do his part in compromising here. I'm sorry if I came across like I was taking sides with him.

 

[gcvmom]

Tell husband to recite the Serenity Prayer next time he feels like he's losing control of his emotions with Manster. As with his recovery journey, dealing with Manster requires a certain degree of detachment from those things that are triggers for him.