We all need to be on the same page

[doubletroublesma]

OHHHH I could just scream at my husband! A bit of background, he works nights, Tues-Sat 3pm-11pm (midnight on weekends) I work M-F 8am-4pm See where this is going? Sometimes he stays after work for a quick beer (he is Kitchen Manager at one of the pubs in town). His days off are Sunday & Mondays.

My parents babysit for us while we are both at work. Previous to my son's diagnosis last week I have asked that all 4 of us be on the same page with discipline and such with my son. Up until last week I was doing trial and error, same with modifying his diet.

I got the diagnosis on Wednesday of last week, do you think my husband has once asked what we should do, what was suggested? NOPE that really ticked me off. So I inform everyone that my son now gets 3 Omega 3 capsuels a day preferably in the mornings before school, and two small cups of tea a day, one in the am and one in the pm. I will try anything at this point.

So today I call home and my son tells me that dad forgot to give him his "fishy pills" LOL, and he bought them McDonalds for lunch and let both the kids have pop with their lunch!!!

UGH, if he has remotely begun to undo what has taken me what feels like forever to get my son to where the days are tolerable I will ticked off! Just like the other day I told him that I did not want our son playing a particular computer game during the week, so what does he do because he was tired??? Let my son play the very game I had banished!

I told him earlier today if we all are not on the same page it won't do any good for our son.

 

[susiestar]

It is very hard when you are not on the same page. I know my husband just doesn't process things when he is tired. No excuse for not following through, esp on a medicine.

Your husband probably thought that a caffeinated soda would be the equal of 2 small teas. My husband would.

I really recommend the book Love and Logic Parenting. It wasn't until this that my hubby got on board with ANYTHING. It seems to make sense where other books didn't get through. The website is great, has free downloads and overviews of all the books. www.loveandlogic.com

Susie

 

[Star*]

HI and welcome,

And yes, everyone needs to be on the same page - TIME for a FAMILY MEETING. Invite G'ma too. Make it Sunday night - cook dinner for everyone and then sit down, pass out the WRITTEN RULES and after everyone looks over the WRITTEN RULES - get them to sign them - no cheating to look favorable in the kids eyes and let them know this is serious.

THen bring your son in - and tell HIM the rules and WHY there are rules, and WHY he can't play video games you banish (next time you banish it - trade it at the store or throw it away) if it's on the computer -BLOCK THAT SITE. And as far as McDonalds - well - your son has a mouth too. He could have said "Poppa - I can't have soda, can I have tea instead?"

If you aren't in therapy -I highly recommend anyone who has a difficult child going . If you can't get hubby to go right away - fine; go yourself. You're going to need all the help you can get -

And as far as fish pills (OMG I LOVED IT) Go to the drug store and buy a pill timer - or a pill case - and load it up on SUnday nights - and tell your son he's going to have to help you and Dad remember. When he goes to G'ma - she should have the pill cases - and PUT IT on THE RULES.

The rules are a contract with YOUR RULES - get hubby to put some input in this too. There needs to be short term consequences and REWARDS - and then under NO circumstances - (mostly haha) do you forego a consequence - it makes a pattern out of do A and B will happen. And it takes YEARS to see the effects of it - but IT DOES WORK.

Good luck
Come here often - we're a good group
Star

 

[slsh]

Just wanted to add that not only is essential to be on the same page for your kid's sake, it's vital for your marriage. I know that my husband has not always agreed with the decisions I've made (because he wasn't here to deal with- docs, school, difficult child on a minute-by-minute basis) but, after a very rocky marital period, he realized that he either needed to put his life vest on and join us on this sinking ship or head for shore.

We were probably 10 years into the marriage and had forgotten (or never really knew) how to communicate. When thank you started really spiraling and we had the added fun of being aggravated with each other pretty much 24/7, we were forced to figure out how to talk *and* listen to each other. We had to get on the same page for survival's sake. It's a standing joke around here now that it's us against the kids, but seriously it took us a while to get there.

If you and husband aren't united, your difficult child is going to figure it out pretty quick and play you off each other. husband may not understand or agree with how important the diet, fish oil, etc. are, but if he doesn't have better suggestions, he really needs to get on board with you. You might have to compromise on some things if he feels really strongly but... consistency is so important.

Hang in there!

 

[doubletroublesma]

Thanks ladies,

I have heard and read what seems to be almost unbelievable about fish oils, almost too good to be true.

It seems my husband and I have been at each other more and more lately because we tend to take our frusterations out on each other, and we NEVER fight. It dosent help that he is only home two nights a week.

I have on the doctors recommendation ordered a book, I believe its called How to deal with your defiant child, or something like that.

 

[timer lady]

It's most important to have everyone on the same page. My tweedles have a "village" helping in raising them. We have frequent staffings & team meetings. If it doesn't happen therapy doesn't stay on track & the whole treatment plan goes down the toilet.

Like the others suggested pull together a family meeting & outline your difficult children needs & rules. It would help if you & husband worked on this together before the meeting of the minds - if husband's input is asked for he'll feel more involved, more invested in this plan.

Like Sue, you & husband need to stay on track with talking with one another. My husband would struggle with decisions that I was making for one tweedle or the other but refused to be a part of the decision making process. I finally told him, either put up, shut up or move over because we didn't have the luxury to wait for him many times to mull things over for a month or so until he felt "comfortable" with things.

husband has chosen to shut up unless he feels strongly about part of the treatment plan; then he's learned to speak his mind with all concerned (not just me). That's taken some of the load of my shoulders.

You are at the start of this journey - it's going to take time to fine tune the nuances of the treatment plan. To see what is going to work & what isn't. This is also the time to get the key players on board.

 

[daralex]

I'm in complete agreement with everyone else. Your husband has to know being on the same page will be good for all involved including him. I am a big fan of written rules, they serve as a visual guideline for all involved.

I see what you're saying about your schedules (my SO has an "on call" labor job and is swept out of the house at a moments notice) Can you find a way to have a "date night?" even once a month? You'de be surprised how much the connection helps and rejuvinates both of you! Good luck!