we are bringing difficult child to oregon to clinic

[Jena]

hi.

so after alot of thought, husband and i decided that the clinic is the best place for her. we faxed over the doctor's this morning, their double checking insurance and we got a date for next sunday.

husband is trying to get coverage to fly out with-difficult child and me on sunday night. than monday morning there is a 3 hour consultation with-the doctor's there. than they admit her into the hospital, place feeding tube thru nose next day and than it begins hopefully getting her to eat again.

i'll be living at the ronald mcdonald house next door yet will probably wind up sleeping at hospital till they medicate her and she's ok with-that. which i'm praying she will be in time.

i get it's about her, yet i'm not good with-being away from home for a mos. away from my new husband, easy child who is upset about it, my crazy dog and my home, truck and stuff and being alone.

i'm going to be writing alot during that time probably, we have to buy me a thing so i'll have internet there. there is no tv in my room there.

yet we feel like playing games here with-a medication that isn't working, doctor's who aren't helping is us spinning our wheels in the sand.

we just gotta go nip this in the butt. i'm heading to dr for me now to get xanax for me if it all just gets to be too much.

 

[aeroeng]

You are doing the right thing, as difficult as it is. You have to get her the best help. Yes it is about her, but you can't help her if you don't address your issues as well. Expressing them is welcome and a good thing, so don't worry if your post focus on your feelings, they should. A lot of people will by praying for you. Good luck, and hang in.

 

[totoro]

Wish I was closer.
I kind of know how you feel a tiny bit- when K had to be psychiatric hospital'ed for 5 weeks when she was hallucinating and had suicidal ideations- I had to move into a hotel 2 hours away from home. N does not do well away from me.
K was able to come sleep with me at night but it still was so hard.

I am so sorry but I think you are making the safest and smartest choice. Facebook me anytime you need to. I can also give you my # if you want to talk...
Huge you will get through this. Your whole family will

 

[DDD]

Sending caring thoughts of support your way. DDD

 

[TerryJ2]

Jena, I think it sounds like a good idea. Go for it.
I know it's a lot to handle, being away from home and husband, but it is only temporary.
Feel free to write as much as you want. It helps to clarify things and it helps to vent.
I don't know if Xanax comes in different forms, but be sure you can get the kind you can bite in half so you don't doze off all the time.
Once your daughter is in hospital, just let the nurses and doctors do their job and try to get some rest! Maybe the change of scene and level of intensity will help your daughter.
Fingers crossed. Many hugs.

 

[smallworld]

Jen, you know you have to get help for your daughter. It's time. And it's always hard on us moms. We get that.

Hugs. I'm here for you. Write as much as you want.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Jena,

you guys are doing the right thing for your daughter. As small says, it's hard on us moms. We are hear to read your writings. Always stay hopeful.

Sharon

 

[Wiped Out]

Jena,
Sending prayers with you. You are doing the right thing. Gentle hugs.

 

[Jena]

hi guys

thanks. we ran into some financial issues today with-the place unfortunately. we have to come up with-a bunch of money down payment to get her in, and than i checked flights and they were a fortune. winds up it's a 7 hour flight from here. than difficult child is excited to go like it's a vacation or something.?? husband and i sat her down and tried to explain to her very honestly what this will be like. not to make her miserable yet to show her hey this is no joke and we have to go get you well.

than tonight she walks into my room trying to eat a bowl of cereal. everyday past 3 days she tries to eat soemthing usually not till much later in the day. new thing is she'll wash her mouth out and spit it out after chewing it. yet she got some of that cereal down once it became really mushy in the bowl. i see that and than think ok does this mean dont' be crazy spend all the money you have and dont' have fly 7 hours to get her help because look maybe you can help her here???

soo confused. both husband and i. there are still so very many issues to deal with-her. we were sinking with-her before this hit. husband and i agreed to sleep, get rest and thikn about it again in the a.m. when he's at work and i've had a chance to get some rest.

feeling very confused.

 

[Jena]

ok sleep didnt' work. it's 2 and i'm up with-difficult child and my step daughter who is now also awake. the more i think about it, the more i realize that things with-difficult child were already out of control before the eating thing hit. i mean we dont' sleep here. husband is sleeping now and i'm dealing yet overall difficult child doesn't sleep until 4 a.m. on the norm and now with-remeron she is up 24 hours a day this is the 3rd day. i have to be honest she crashes around 8 a.m. after being up all day and all night long.

i think first thing is pull her off this remeron. not a good medication for her.
than call the places ihave in my head see what they have to offer, maybe a pysch evaluation too after they get her eating??
we have needed answers fora long time with-this kid. eating thing just made everything worse obviously. yet in all honest there is no living with-her issues. it's like a dark cloud over us at all times. our life is consumed by it even when we try not to let it be.

sorry just rambling and wide awake.

 

[graceupongrace]

Jena,

Sending hugs. I know everything is even harder when you don't get enough sleep.

You don't need to apologize to this group!

 

[Farmwife]

I am so so so sorry to hear about the financial snag. That just hoovers big time. In spite of fabulous coverage I have had my share of much needed resources being out of checkbook limits and being left with scraps of mediocre care to choose from. I think a lot of us deal with that, *sigh* Any chance a call to insurance to guar. their portion and arranging payments for the rest? I know that seems overly simplified but sometimes collecting all the thoughts and ideas in a very stressed and tired mind can be hard. Maybe ins. and clinic can chit chat and come up with a solution. Surely they can realize you need them.

I wonder if the cereal eating is because she feels bad about the financial burden? It's nice she is trying but after eating so little for so long a few bowls of cereal don't add up to much.

That up 24 hours thing sounds bad, like a manic episode from hades. That just burns precious calories she isn't consuming along with adding to your laundry list of worries. Did you discuss it with the doctor? I missed a few days of posts but I got the impression that the doctor assured you that if it didn't work he would step her care up a notch. I'd be beyond livid with doctor. and in a very serious wtf mood.

I am just surprised and disgusted that some medical professional hasn't stepped in and done something considering the seriousness of your situation. Do they think you are making the garbage up? Geez!

Why is it that the days we need the most help and the more beat down we feel the harder we have to dig deep and fight our biggest fights to make things happen? Come vent all you need or just check in when you are bored and lonely. We all can empathize with crisis situations.

 

[Jena]

yea i see your point. i haven't slept at all, difficult child was up all night and is still going strong. she went and cleaned dishes in sink and is raring to go. totally ridiculous.

i put a call into one facility i ran into n web in new jersey insurance covers, waiting on call back. so i have a back up plan. i just wish this place could handle more than just her eating issue yet also all the issues we have been struggling with-her. our house is taking such a hit with-this and so is my marriage. i guess the countless nights up, no alone time, her acting out each night or being manic beyond belief, me not working due to her it all add's up and takes it's toll.

tried calling pyschiatrist yesterday all day he didn't asw and his voicemail was full. i want to pull her off remeron. my gut knew this medication wouldnt' fly. why do i not just listen to myself? the bowl of cereal was her trying, yet she's not trying to eat not to go. she wants to go. it's almost disturbing how much she wants to go. when i assured her one way or another i'll get you help she said i want to go far away to get it. i dont like it here, it's stressful. i said why she said school's down the block, and it's just all the real stuff. ah............... life....

and its so odd she i snow making hot chocolate for herself. she walks with either halls sucky things or hot tea or hot chocolate like her throats actually sick. this really is the weirdest thing i have yet to experience with-her. she is hands down convinced there is something wrong with-her throat and the doctor's at the clinic will find it and all will be well.

as ive parented her i've never felt like i'm dealing with a mentally ill person to be honest. she presents fine yet very quiet to ppl, yet often lately i step back and look at the behaviors up all night, or when she is flipping, or like now with her throat and i just shake my head at this.

 

[Farmwife]

From personal experience and disaster I suspect that this is a very manic/bi polar situation. Though I was not a minor at the time she is doing almost an exact copy of what I did when I was at my worst. It very likely can just be a mental illness thing and yes it is hard to deal with.

I stopped eating regular meals and got by on less sleep at first. Got down to like a can of corn a day (I craved it, *shrug*) about 4 hours sleep and was in perpetual motion for my activity level. That was just the start... it lasted a month or two. I started to dislike the feeling and taste of food in my mouth, the feeling of it in my body digesting. It got to the point where nothing looked appealing. I would take a taste and think blech ewww NOPE. I also stopped sleeping at all. This lasted a week or so. In that time I had what I like to call fission. Although I should have collapsed I felt "better and better" and more energized than ever, it felt "electric". (I would also have uncontrollable cold shivering spells out of nowhere?!?!? I called it vibrating, I guess it was part of my electric "theme")

In that time I developed some of the most bizarre delusions that I am too emberrassed to even describe them now. PM me if you are curious just not something for the public web... She can actually think and believe there is an issue with her throat. That would have been small time for the things I created in my mind and whole heartedly believed as if it were reality.

Though I am only bi polar the mania after that week of no food or sleep turned to hallucinations both visual, auditory and strange ideas I felt were visions and messages. At the end of the week I "escaped" the care of my family member who had been nervously watching me but could not stay awake any longer. I was acting BIZARRE in public, was picked up by police and transported by ambulance to an acute psychiatric hospital where they decided I had some sort of "psychoeffective break" or something along that line of a breakdown. I flew the coop in the worst possible way. Took me 6 months to be able to cope on a reasonable level. I was only in the hospital a month and a half but suspect it should have been a month longer because crippling anxiety started after discharge and losing my safety net. The anxiety took years to resolve.

It took the right medications to get me eating again. I HAD to stabilize my bi polar BEFORE I would eat. As soon as they addressed the mania I suddenly started eating a little at first and then voraciously. I wonder if the remeron is not effective because the bi polar is perhaps controlling the appetite.

I was very ill for a long time. Had a case worker assigned to me. I was labeled as severly mentally ill along with all the other droolers and checker peice eaters. I was GONE! Have faith though. I am not "cured" but I have since moved on, gotten stable, have not had medications for 7 years. I have had great employment before becoming a "farmwife". I am raising healthy kids and no one would ever know just how looney tunes I once was unless I told them. I still have some of those bizarre ideas in the back of my mind. They never go away 100%. I just learn to recognize them for what they are, ignore them and move on. The delusions still have a small sense of reality but I choose to encapsulate them because they only cause me harm. I am better but will always have remnants of that break.

Could you have her placed in an acute psychiatric ward? They can start to manage the mania as well as observe the eating. Then THEY can step her care up a notch and make the calls rather than you having to juggle it. You would be amazed what "secret" resources hospitals and managed care agencies have up their sleeves, how many people they have to call once the ball is rolling. Only trouble is you have to "join the club" to get your foot in the door. As a minor I would suspect they psychiatric dept. would take her care very seriously. Is there a childrens hospital in your area?

Oh yeah, trips to the hospital appealed to me as well, I also wanted to run away. Sometimes the issues feel so overwhelming that a stay at a hospital feels both safe and like a mental vacation. It's hard to describe but once I got over the worry of being locked up I never wanted to leave. At the hospital I didn't have to be responsible for my problems or solutions. Everyone protected me. Somewhere in all of the delusion I was scared and wanted help. If she is afraid of dying from food that fear is very real to her. Knowing someone will save her is probably a relief.