Barbara, my husband & I have been married nearly 30 years. We've had some rough times but stood by each other all the way, through things that would torture any other marriage.
In this time I've seen a number of marriages break up - friends and family. With some I feel frustrated, I'm sure they could have been saved. All that it would have taken in so many cases is some patience, some communication and some honesty.
And some marriages I've also seen break-up and I think, "How did they stay together as long as they did?" and just want to stand up and cheer.
We are taught that marriage is sacred, but sometimes even though the words have been said years before to a preacher and the papers have been signed, it never was a marriage properly. Or it stopped being a marriage, long before anyone takes out those pieces of paper and says, "are these still worth anything?"
I have a long-term friend who has been married three times. Superficially, in the eyes of the church, this is scandalous. But her first husband went psychotic and tried to kill her, numerous times. It's hard to keep loving the man who has designs on your life.
Her second husband married her not out of love (it turned out years later) but because she had a pre-teen daughter he wanted. He had married the daughter, not the mother. I do not consider that anyone could call that a marriage, in the eyes of God. That marriage ended when the mother found out. Ten years - all a lie.
She is now good friends with her first husband but both have moved on. This happens. I wish them well. I am not critical of her for either divorce - she did try to save both marriages - foolishly the second time, in my opinion.
This does have to be Karen's decision, but I think she has decided, after some very deep soul-searching on these very issues. I do not feel she is making any hasty decisions here - sometimes decisions need to be made quickly, but that doesn't necessarily mean they are hasty. All events in the past are part of the decision needing to be made now.
You are also right and I've said it too - whatever decision Karen makes needs to be done wholeheartedly and without guilt or looking back. After what he's done - nothing can be as it was. Even if the marriage continues, it would have to change drastically. Can he do this? Is he prepared to do this? I think we know the answers. Whatever is in store for this marriage, I think a legal separation has to happen. And see what happens from there. Who knows? He may turn over a new leaf. Or a forest of new leaves. It would take a great deal of effort on his part, I feel. Genuine effort.
My brother and his wife separated after fifteen years of marriage. We were angry with him - and his wife - for rushing off in different directions with stars in their eyes. I saw a side of my brother I didn't like. They each settled down miles apart with another partner. They legally separated. The kids were calling this new man in sister in law's life "Daddy".
Then both new relationships broke up. My brother and his wife met a bit more often to sort out practicalities for the kids and amazingly, decided to move back in together. I thought sister in law was crazy, it simply wasn't going to work for the reasons it had failed before, but they both made changes. The separation had wrought these changes in them. It still wasn't greatly improved, but sister in law chose to accept my brother with all his flaws, for the stability and security he could provide. Plus, he was always a good father. Eventually that separation was the making of their marriage, on totally new terms.
Over the years they have become closer, she has stopped hankering for the other side of the fence and he has treated her much better. I'm trying to think how many years now - must be well over 40. And neither seems to have any recollection of the break-up having happened.
It worked for them, because they DID separate when they needed to; they did some serious thinking, both of them; and they made permanent changes openly, willingly, to try to improve things; and they both determinedly stayed together even though the next few years were nasty indeed.
I don't see that happening here. Whatever happens, I hope Karen has enough breathing space to learn that it's OK to ask for what SHE wants occasionally and not feel guilty for it. All relationships need honesty and respect. Until and unless that changes, I don't see that this can still be called a marriage.
I'd like everyone in the world to be as happy as husband & I are. But I'm a realist - life isn't like that. If you can't be happy together, maybe you can be happier single. That can be good, too.
Marg
