We are getting the silent treatment.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Kathy813, Apr 20, 2013.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello all,

    I know it has been a while since I updated. difficult child finished residential treatment and moved into a sober house over a month ago. So far, she has passed all of the random drug and alcohol testing and is still working and going to IOP.

    Sounds great, right? Well, not so much. She has still been very manipulative when it comes to money. She keeps saying she needs us to send her money for food and essentials even though she has a job and should be able to pay her own living expenses and bills. The problem is that she wants to have money for "fun" things that her wealthy friends from rehab get to do like going out on a rented boat for the day or eating out and going to movies. We have caught her in several lies about how much money she has and how she is spending it.

    We are paying over $1000 a month for the sober living rent and her health insurance premium so she has health care. She doesn't see that as us doing enough to support her.

    I have been seeing a therapist that specializes in personality disorders who has helped me set boundaries with difficult child. We have been holding line despite her manipulations like saying she was out of money and had no food. The therapist said that difficult child was resourceful and wouldn't starve and that being hungry might actually motivate her to apply for food stamps or budget more carefully with the next paycheck.

    So we didn't send her any money for food and told her she had to work this out for herself. We haven't heard from her for a week now. She won't reply to texts or calls. So I just stopped trying to communicate with her. I know that the sober house would call me if she disappeared or had relapsed so I am not worried about her safety. difficult child is doing this out of spite because her attempts at manipulation are not working anymore. We have stopped playing her games.

    My question is should we just consider silence as golden and continue to pay the sober living while she goes to IOP and attribute her behavior to her mental health issues. It irks me that she can treat us like this, though, and expect us to continue to help cover her rent and health insurance.

    What do you y'all think?

    ~Kathy
     
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    "My question is should we just consider silence as golden and continue to pay the sober living while she goes to IOP and attribute her behavior to her mental health issues"

    Absolutely!!!
     
  3. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member

    I agree with Nancy. Pay the sober house, etc. but toe the line on the rest.

    they must learn to live in the worlds they create.
     
  4. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    Kathy--I don't know you but I've read your story. When I read your post headline (before reading the update) my first thought was to say to you "Enjoy it while it lasts". Sooner or later (probably sooner) she'll be back trying to manipulate you. Congrats on staying strong and working with a therapist so that you don't fall for difficult child's demands.
     
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    My first reaction was the same as Nancy's. I think stopping the payment for sober living would be seen as your trying to control her and give her a reason to rebel against you. You want to keep her recovery as her journey and I think putting conditions on tx gets into a sticky slippery slope which is going to confuse things.

    *TL
     
  6. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hugs, Kathy. I know only too well... Onyxx does the same thing, in fact is doing it now. Hold fast!
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think it's a difficult child trait. I really do. For some reason, they seem to think money will make them happy. As long as they don't have to work for it (cough, cough).
     
  8. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    difficult child seems to be playing the same old "make mom feel bad" game, Kathy. What would it take to make her happy there? Wouldn't it be better to spend that money on her once she is out, and needs seed money?

    Barbara
     
  9. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Silence is definately golden. It's the right thing to pay for the ins. and the sober living. She may not appreciate it, but you know you're awesome for providing it. I'm sure they have ideas and resources for her at the sober living on how she can obtain food. They may even suggest work. If she wants money that bad she may be more interested in working than if you just hand it over. It's a terrible thing when they don't have money for a boat rental for the day, isn't it?
     
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes, of course you still pay for the living expense....for a known amount of time, I assume. The rest if she is capable of working.....she should do just that! She could be cleaning the houses of her rich friends parents....big money there!
     
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Of course, my friend, of course! Detach and add as much fun and joy to your life as you can. You and husband do NOT want to "wake up" in your 70's and realize that all your financial and emotional resources have been spent on a difficult child.
    It's not an enviable experience. Sigh!

    Why not head up to Lake Lanier, rent a boat, fine dine, stay in a lovely facility and don't mention difficult child at all? DDD
     
  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    cubsgirl ~ Isn't that the truth. husband and I both said we would hear from her as soon as her car breaks down or she needs something from us.

    Upallnight ~ she is working 25 hours a week as a receptionist in a hair salon. She just doesn't want to spend the money that she earns on silly things like food and other necessities. She wants to be able to "play" with the other kids and have us take care of her living expenses.

    Busywend ~ I almost fell off of my chair laughing. Princess difficult child would never consider getting her hands dirty.

    This is day 8 of no contact. I am enjoying the peace and quiet. We have a family therapy call scheduled for Thursday. I am curious to see if she shows up.

    We do have some things we have to talk to her about regarding her car registration and the patient assistance program for her Abilify.

    ~Kathy
     
  13. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, glad I made you laugh. I sort of figured it a funny idea given what I know about your difficult child. Glad you are detaching.
     
  14. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She sent a picture of her paystub last night. This was 4 days after I sent the text reminding her that she had agreed to do that during our family therapy call. Then she followed it up with a "what's up" text. I texted back asking how she was doing. She said okay and then asked if she had any shoes left here since hers was falling apart and I said no to which she answered "bummer" because hers were falling apart.

    I didn't respond to that. Today, she texted to ask if she could make a gyno appointment for tomorrow assuming that we would pay the $25 copay. I responded that I would like to wait and discuss it during our family therapy phone call on Thursday.

    Part of me is willing to pay for it since she hasn't had an gyn. exam in years and she has had problems with very painful periods every other month which worries me that something could be wrong with one of her ovaries.

    However, she also let me know her primary concern was birth control which to me is something that she should take care of. Her lack of boundaries is obviously still a problem. I couldn't have imagined telling my mom that I wanted her to pay for my birth control.

    On the other hand, it is good that she is thinking ahead about it rather than ending up pregnant. She said she is not currently sexually active but wants to be prepared.

    I am torn on this one. We are already paying her health insurance at $249 a month so she would only have to pay a $25 copay to see a doctor as long as he/she was in the network. Shouldn't this be her responsibility?

    Let me know what you think . . .

    ~Kathy
     
  15. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Kathy,

    I would pay the $25 and I'll tell you why.

    Both my girls had painful periods, upset stomach after eating sometimes, and a few other symptoms. Both were originally diagnosed with cysts, but after getting into surgery, both were found to have endomitriosis. One of them had to have a second surgery. They both had it on their ovaries and other organs. One lost most of one ovary.

    They are on birth control pills now, as the doctor said this would help keep the endo from coming back. Birth control actually helps prevent it. If only I had known!

    I would tell her to get it checked out immediately.
     
  16. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member

    Yes, by now, she should be taking care of this herself. But, it takes longer when you have a difficult child.

    I'd pay. Better safe than sorry...Know what I mean?? Same logic I used when I bought difficult child condoms two months ago when he never said a word about sex, etc.
     
  17. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She sent another text suggesting a compromise saying she would pay for the birth control if we would pay for the gyn appointment. I told her that we would consider that and we would talk about it at our family therapy call on Thursday. That will give me a chance to discuss it with my therapist since I am going to see her on Wednesday.

    I couldn't keep myself from reminding her that she is supposed to be avoiding starting relationships during early recovery. I don't know why I bother. We all know she is going to do whatever she wants to do.

    ~Kathy
     
  18. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I would pay as well.... preventing worse worries for you!! Actually I am willing to pay for medical expenses in general at this point but not forever.

    TL
     
  19. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Agree I would pay for exam and birth control if necessary. I don't ever want to go down that road again and I know you don't. It's just one of those lesser evil things for me, it's not even a close issue with me. Gosh can you tell I am hyperventilating just thinking about it???. You are so much like me Kathy, I would have had to bite my tongue not to remind her about relationships all the while knowing darn well that no matter what I said it wouldn't make a difference.
     
  20. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Another here that would pay for both...while I do understand that at least compromise would show some responsibility on difficult child's part.
    And...Uhg ya, Unfortunately our difficult child's seem to crave that "new love" feeling sometimes as much as a drug!

    Hope the Family Therapy call goes well!!!
    Hugs,
    LMS
     
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