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We both don't know what to do anymore.
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<blockquote data-quote="keista" data-source="post: 467099" data-attributes="member: 11965"><p>Welcome to the board.</p><p></p><p>Yes, your daughter needs a full psychological and behavioral evaluation. As you have probably guessed, her behavior is not "normal". Unfortunately, I don't think the answer will be as simple as "well she was abused as a child". Yes, biomom caused some physical and emotional damage, but she also has biomom's DNA. Bipolar has a strong hereditary factor, so, given your daughter's erratic behavior, it should be monitored. I'm not saying she has bipolar, or will ever get bipolar, but it should be kept in mind.</p><p></p><p> What I have done with all three kids (still do) is emphasize the positives, and "deal" with the negatives. Sounds like you are using a similar approach. No use arguing or dishing out consequences during a tantrum or meltdown especially if she has little or no control during them. Provide a safe environment for her to get it out and then calm down. I don't punish tantrums. I figure if a kid is so out of control as to have an age inappropriate tantrum, then what good is a punishment going to do for it? If they had control, or could remember that they may be punished for it, they WOULD control it. I do exercise natural consequences for the behavior leading up to a tantrum as well as during. For example, if during a tantrum she pulls all her clothes out of the closet, once she is calm she has to pick them up. Also, wait until she is calm to inform her of the natural consequence. I've found telling a kid the consequences or punishments during a tantrum just escalates it. You know: If you X you're grounded for a week. They do X. If you do X again you're grounded for a month. they do X again. and it can just keep going until they are grounded for life. Not good for kid, Really not good for parent because you just unwittingly got sucked into their tantrum.</p><p></p><p>The food issues problem sounds like you are dealing with well. As long as she's not still getting deserts or sneaking food because she is really hungry, in my opinion it's OK. If she does start sneaking food because she's hungry and you stop that AND she still refuses regular food, AND she starts loosing weight, you may have to provide her with alternate meals. My kids have all been picky eaters. Now I only have one picky eater left - the youngest. hoping she grows out of it in the next 2 years which would be right in line with her brother and sister. I always have offered alternate kid friendly meals, but that's me. For ME it was just easier that way.</p><p></p><p>I'm not an active step. (I met mine for 6 weeks 13 years ago and that's it) I can imagine though, that it's very difficult to bond with a child that's being difficult. When she's calm and things are going well, seize those moments as opportunities to build your relationship. The more positive moments you get and create, the more positive moments you will get and be able to create. </p><p></p><p>Welcome again!<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/notalone.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":notalone:" title="notalone :notalone:" data-shortname=":notalone:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="keista, post: 467099, member: 11965"] Welcome to the board. Yes, your daughter needs a full psychological and behavioral evaluation. As you have probably guessed, her behavior is not "normal". Unfortunately, I don't think the answer will be as simple as "well she was abused as a child". Yes, biomom caused some physical and emotional damage, but she also has biomom's DNA. Bipolar has a strong hereditary factor, so, given your daughter's erratic behavior, it should be monitored. I'm not saying she has bipolar, or will ever get bipolar, but it should be kept in mind. What I have done with all three kids (still do) is emphasize the positives, and "deal" with the negatives. Sounds like you are using a similar approach. No use arguing or dishing out consequences during a tantrum or meltdown especially if she has little or no control during them. Provide a safe environment for her to get it out and then calm down. I don't punish tantrums. I figure if a kid is so out of control as to have an age inappropriate tantrum, then what good is a punishment going to do for it? If they had control, or could remember that they may be punished for it, they WOULD control it. I do exercise natural consequences for the behavior leading up to a tantrum as well as during. For example, if during a tantrum she pulls all her clothes out of the closet, once she is calm she has to pick them up. Also, wait until she is calm to inform her of the natural consequence. I've found telling a kid the consequences or punishments during a tantrum just escalates it. You know: If you X you're grounded for a week. They do X. If you do X again you're grounded for a month. they do X again. and it can just keep going until they are grounded for life. Not good for kid, Really not good for parent because you just unwittingly got sucked into their tantrum. The food issues problem sounds like you are dealing with well. As long as she's not still getting deserts or sneaking food because she is really hungry, in my opinion it's OK. If she does start sneaking food because she's hungry and you stop that AND she still refuses regular food, AND she starts loosing weight, you may have to provide her with alternate meals. My kids have all been picky eaters. Now I only have one picky eater left - the youngest. hoping she grows out of it in the next 2 years which would be right in line with her brother and sister. I always have offered alternate kid friendly meals, but that's me. For ME it was just easier that way. I'm not an active step. (I met mine for 6 weeks 13 years ago and that's it) I can imagine though, that it's very difficult to bond with a child that's being difficult. When she's calm and things are going well, seize those moments as opportunities to build your relationship. The more positive moments you get and create, the more positive moments you will get and be able to create. Welcome again!:notalone: [/QUOTE]
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