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We changed the locks, she went to sugar daddy site
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 619086" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi. I happen to be up now...will give you my "quickie" advice <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>Your daughter is a college graduate and an adult. You can not force her to be close to her family. At her age, most grown kids are pulling away from family anyway. That is normal. It hurts us sometimes, but it's normal. Her love life relationships, good or bad or even her wanting a super daddy, are her own business. You are too invested in her bad choices, which most of us are when we first come here. You are also talking too much about her boyfriend. Your daughter has made a decision to be with this loser. It is HER bad decision and after our kids turn eighteen we can't control who they date or marry or anything else they do. And you can't control what your husband does either. Let him handle it the way he wants because you can't change it. And you handle it the way YOU want. He does not control you either.</p><p></p><p>I would not have no relationship with my daughter because I didn't like her boyfriend. That smacks of trying to control her. Now...if she is disrespectful, rude, takes your money without paying you back, steals, uses drugs, assaults you verbally or physically or treats you like dirt in any way, then I'd detach, which is not the same as totally cutting her off. But you can do that too, if you want to. But don't do it because of the boyfriend. You are no longer in control of this adult's life. You can no longer tell her what is best for her. And personally I don't like emotional blackmail from our kids, who often threaten to disown us, or from us.</p><p></p><p>Why do you feel like you are responsible for what she does at her age? Why are you afraid to make her leave and perhaps give her a push to grown up?</p><p></p><p>One thing I learned in years of therapy...we can not control anybody except one person...ourselves. But we CAN control how we respond to abusive and uncaring people, and, yes, this even includes are children. Some will abuse us until we don't allow it anymore.</p><p></p><p>Read the article on this site about detachment and purchase the book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie (not sure I spelled her name right). Most of us started out guilty, full of stress, sleepless, depriving ourselves of our own life and happiness, and miserable. But we are not our children and they are not us. When we are too connected to what they do once they are adults, that is being codependent and it is not a good thing. It ruins OUR lives.</p><p></p><p>I hope this was halfway coherent <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> I would start right now telling yourself that who your daughter dates is HER choice and HER mistake. Don't blame him, blame her. See her for who shes really is. And start to work on detachment.</p><p></p><p>Here is a link that defines borderline personality disorder. I am not a diagnostician, but I feel that she has many of the traits. Many of our grown kids who just can't get it together have personality disorder, which are very hard to treat. Many others use drugs too. You can't fix it. Only she can, when she wants to.</p><p></p><p>Ok, here goes and soooooooo sorry for your hurting mommy heart. I recommend reading the whole thing. If it rings true, then there is a good book called "Walking on Eggshells" which tells you how to deal with people who have it. Not sure of the author, but you can get it off Amazon or at the library.:</p><p></p><p><a href="http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/0001063" target="_blank">http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/0001063</a></p><p></p><p>Detach, detach, detach. You need to be healthy and functional and to have a good, fun life in spite of your daughter's poor choices or whatever problems (mental health or substance abuse or both) t hat she may have. Remember: You can not fix her. She can maybe make her worse though if you enable her. You are not her; she is not you.</p><p></p><p>More hugs!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 619086, member: 1550"] Hi. I happen to be up now...will give you my "quickie" advice :) Your daughter is a college graduate and an adult. You can not force her to be close to her family. At her age, most grown kids are pulling away from family anyway. That is normal. It hurts us sometimes, but it's normal. Her love life relationships, good or bad or even her wanting a super daddy, are her own business. You are too invested in her bad choices, which most of us are when we first come here. You are also talking too much about her boyfriend. Your daughter has made a decision to be with this loser. It is HER bad decision and after our kids turn eighteen we can't control who they date or marry or anything else they do. And you can't control what your husband does either. Let him handle it the way he wants because you can't change it. And you handle it the way YOU want. He does not control you either. I would not have no relationship with my daughter because I didn't like her boyfriend. That smacks of trying to control her. Now...if she is disrespectful, rude, takes your money without paying you back, steals, uses drugs, assaults you verbally or physically or treats you like dirt in any way, then I'd detach, which is not the same as totally cutting her off. But you can do that too, if you want to. But don't do it because of the boyfriend. You are no longer in control of this adult's life. You can no longer tell her what is best for her. And personally I don't like emotional blackmail from our kids, who often threaten to disown us, or from us. Why do you feel like you are responsible for what she does at her age? Why are you afraid to make her leave and perhaps give her a push to grown up? One thing I learned in years of therapy...we can not control anybody except one person...ourselves. But we CAN control how we respond to abusive and uncaring people, and, yes, this even includes are children. Some will abuse us until we don't allow it anymore. Read the article on this site about detachment and purchase the book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie (not sure I spelled her name right). Most of us started out guilty, full of stress, sleepless, depriving ourselves of our own life and happiness, and miserable. But we are not our children and they are not us. When we are too connected to what they do once they are adults, that is being codependent and it is not a good thing. It ruins OUR lives. I hope this was halfway coherent :) I would start right now telling yourself that who your daughter dates is HER choice and HER mistake. Don't blame him, blame her. See her for who shes really is. And start to work on detachment. Here is a link that defines borderline personality disorder. I am not a diagnostician, but I feel that she has many of the traits. Many of our grown kids who just can't get it together have personality disorder, which are very hard to treat. Many others use drugs too. You can't fix it. Only she can, when she wants to. Ok, here goes and soooooooo sorry for your hurting mommy heart. I recommend reading the whole thing. If it rings true, then there is a good book called "Walking on Eggshells" which tells you how to deal with people who have it. Not sure of the author, but you can get it off Amazon or at the library.: [url]http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/0001063[/url] Detach, detach, detach. You need to be healthy and functional and to have a good, fun life in spite of your daughter's poor choices or whatever problems (mental health or substance abuse or both) t hat she may have. Remember: You can not fix her. She can maybe make her worse though if you enable her. You are not her; she is not you. More hugs!!! [/QUOTE]
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