We had the talk/Update

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ML, Dec 23, 2009.

  1. ML

    ML Guest

    A few weeks ago, husband and I told Stepsongfg (J) that it was time he made an different plan for where to live, that living here has not been good for him. We told him we weren't saying this because we were uspet with him (despite the fact I'm barely able to keep the resentment from seeping out of me), but that living here without expectations didn't challenge him to be the best J he could be. He agreed it was time. We realize now to him this was just theory and we now need to back it up with another talk that will go like this "are you planning to move this month or next, because if it's next we'll expect rent for this one".

    I've been talking and talking about this in therapy. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. His moods and passive aggression are horrible. I can very much tell when he's been drinking because he is horrible to his father. He yells at him and belittles him. husband needs alanon as much as I do. I am a codependent to a codependent. I feel somehow like I'm the bottom of the food chain lol.

    Anyway, we are waiting till after Christmas but I'm having trouble letting it go till then. I alternate between resentment and guilt. therapist said that's due to my own enbaling issues and that it's also hard for me to set healthy boundaries but I'm getting better.

    I got to the point where I didn't care if it damaged my relationship with husband or if J hates me, he has to go. When I have to leave the room and go upstairs because of moods and behavior it's bad. We have a small townhome so there's not a lot of common space. Luckily manster prefers hanging out in his room and I just pull up a chair and hang in there with him to watch tv or play games. I should not feel like I have to do that. Luckily husband is on board and agrees he has to go but saying the words and following through are harder than hard for him.

    So wish me luck. Pray that I can bite my tongue when I need to and find my voice when the time is right. I'm a bit afraid of him, husband is too.

    Lasted edited by : Dec 23, 2009
  2. aninom

    aninom New Member

    ML, I know where you're coming from. Knowing theoretically that you are doing the right thing by setting this boundary is a world away from feeling good about it, but you are in the right!

    Not only are you dealing with difficult child, you are also dealing with all the feelings that come from having to deal - but you have no reason whatsoever to feel bad: and know that resentment, in this situation, is fully understandable. Feeling resentment towards this behavior, this feeling of siege in your own home, is not somehow mutually exclusive to loving difficult child or doing the right thing by kicking him out. Making him understand the situation is not tenable, not good for neither him nor you, is the BEST thing you can do for BOTH of you. Don't let guilt get in the way of following through on a sane, positive, rational, at the bottom CARING decision!

    I'm sending strength your way. How to say no and how not to say something out of resentment, I know that feeling - I have no solution, being in the exact same struggle myself, but I do know that the moment I knew I had an exit strategy - that I would be setting physical distance between myself and difficult child in a few hours, that soon the situation would be very different - somehow I found the calm I needed to see those last hours through. Maybe you can use the same trick: no, he is not gone yet, but it is not too far away! And it WILL pass; so it is all about dealing with the moments until then while looking forward to when they're gone.

  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs and lots of strength. I think you've done everything you could do and then some.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    When we had the Korean Student staying with us that was making everyone so miserable, we had "general type" talks with her about not staying on after the school year. We agonized and spent time in therapy wondering how we would tell her and what she would do and how she would take it and how we would look to others...

    A few weeks before school was out, we told her she could not spend summer break with us. She couldn't get the words out fast enough that she was going to go live with so and so, and she was soooo happy. Never mind that it only lasted with so-and-so for about 8 weeks. We had sweated over how to tell her longer than that!

    Just tell him. It will be best for all of you, and in the long run I'm sure that you feel better, and so will he.
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    So happy to hear that you had "the talk," and that you are still seeing the therapist, etc.

    Sounds like a very good plan.

    Boundaries are soooo important...and doubly so with- an adult difficult child.

    Also so good to be on the same page with- your husband.

    As you have requested...wishing you good luck...well wishes for strength and wisdom.
  6. ML

    ML Guest

    Thanks everyone! I appreciate that you understand this is so hard for me. The plan is to gush Christmas spirit and after the holidays shoot from the hip. I will continue to need back up and I know I can get it here. I love you guys!