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We just kicked him out.
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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 638139" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>I am spending a lot of time countering the "you're a bad mother" voices in my head with things I actually do know to be true.</p><p></p><p>1. He has always known I consider lying to be one of the worst things you can do. When he was little, if he got in trouble, he got punished worse if he lied. (He lied anyway.)</p><p>2. He got caught smoking "potpourri" in the house. He took off for a week. He came back, we did counseling. We said, "no drugs". He did it anyway.</p><p>3. He knows stealing is wrong. We forgave him when he returned a bag to the store. That was the first. It about killed me. He took off for a week and came back and he said he'd left because he was so ashamed and knew we'd never forgive him. We told him nothing was unforgivable. We gave him a second chance.</p><p>4. He stole and pawned things. We gave him a third chance and even sent him off to college.</p><p>5. He blew off college and was suspended for failing classes. He sold the computer we helped him buy, the TV, the fridge we bought him. He appealed and got back in. Since we were already paying the room and board regardless, we let him go.</p><p>6. He told me he was "keeping it together" and was going to work hard and get a job and go to school. He didn't bother to attend classes and failed his second semester. $9 grand wasted.</p><p>7. He pretty much ruined last Christmas, lying about getting us a gift. A little thing, but it hurt.</p><p>8. When he came home we gave him one month to get a job. We gave him gas money on his debit card. Turns out he was putting $5 in the tank and getting $15 in cash. He did not look for work. The month ended. We forgave him and gave him more time. He didn't get a job until September. So...what number is that? Forth - fifth chance?</p><p>9. We told him the car was for work and back only. He took off to the next town over. Another chance. We got more strict on watching the mileage, but didn't take the car so he could go to work. Of course, he quit after 3 weeks.</p><p></p><p>He was told when he went to college, if anything else ever went missing we would call the police. He was told when he came back, lying and stealing was not to be tolerated. He lied. He stole. This wasn't $5 for a pack of cigarettes. This was nearly $700 that we took 9 months to save. How many chances do we give? Even after all that, we didn't press charges.</p><p></p><p>I keep telling myself that he betrayed us. I keep telling myself that the lowest circle of Hell in Dante's Inferno is reserved for betrayers. That this is the worst thing he could do to the only people in the world who wouldn't put him in jail. That he <em>saw </em>how much it hurt us when he did it before, he <em>saw </em>me cry, he <em>saw </em>our pain, and he did it again. I think of all the things that went missing in the last two years, home improvement supplies, the playstation, the guitars (got them back), the archery equipment (got one back), the CD's and DVD's, my gold chains, my mother's engagement ring. He still says he didn't take the jewelry, but then why would he tell the truth? Since he came back, I'd been sure at one point that I had a $20 bill in a box by my bed but when I went to get it, it was gone and I convinced I wasn't sure it had been there. The gas money he got cash for instead was stealing. It was one thing after another after another. All the while we're providing him a roof and a car and cigarettes and buying food only he would eat. Through most of it we were giving him an allowance. Not two weeks ago I bought him a $35 book for D&D. We forgave the smoking pot, the lies, the tantrums and the fists through the door the foul language. He's always apologetic. He's always sorry. He's always going to make up for it.</p><p></p><p>I know he never means it. </p><p></p><p>You see, I do know what he's done. I know we weren't wrong. He's had chance after chance after chance to be a decent person, an honest person and he's blown every one. But I still see it getting colder and I still worry about what he's going to do for food and my heart breaks.</p><p></p><p>Jabber is more worried about what we're going to do when he calls in a week or so and wants to come home. Or he showed up on our door step cold and hungry. Maybe the shelter is full? Maybe it's raining or snowing and he has no coat or boots? How do we turn him away? He's right to worry. That's going to be really, really hard. My plan at the moment is to make him a sandwich and offer him a ride to the homeless shelter if it's raining...if it's dry, he can walk.</p><p></p><p>I just hope I can stay that strong.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 638139, member: 17309"] I am spending a lot of time countering the "you're a bad mother" voices in my head with things I actually do know to be true. 1. He has always known I consider lying to be one of the worst things you can do. When he was little, if he got in trouble, he got punished worse if he lied. (He lied anyway.) 2. He got caught smoking "potpourri" in the house. He took off for a week. He came back, we did counseling. We said, "no drugs". He did it anyway. 3. He knows stealing is wrong. We forgave him when he returned a bag to the store. That was the first. It about killed me. He took off for a week and came back and he said he'd left because he was so ashamed and knew we'd never forgive him. We told him nothing was unforgivable. We gave him a second chance. 4. He stole and pawned things. We gave him a third chance and even sent him off to college. 5. He blew off college and was suspended for failing classes. He sold the computer we helped him buy, the TV, the fridge we bought him. He appealed and got back in. Since we were already paying the room and board regardless, we let him go. 6. He told me he was "keeping it together" and was going to work hard and get a job and go to school. He didn't bother to attend classes and failed his second semester. $9 grand wasted. 7. He pretty much ruined last Christmas, lying about getting us a gift. A little thing, but it hurt. 8. When he came home we gave him one month to get a job. We gave him gas money on his debit card. Turns out he was putting $5 in the tank and getting $15 in cash. He did not look for work. The month ended. We forgave him and gave him more time. He didn't get a job until September. So...what number is that? Forth - fifth chance? 9. We told him the car was for work and back only. He took off to the next town over. Another chance. We got more strict on watching the mileage, but didn't take the car so he could go to work. Of course, he quit after 3 weeks. He was told when he went to college, if anything else ever went missing we would call the police. He was told when he came back, lying and stealing was not to be tolerated. He lied. He stole. This wasn't $5 for a pack of cigarettes. This was nearly $700 that we took 9 months to save. How many chances do we give? Even after all that, we didn't press charges. I keep telling myself that he betrayed us. I keep telling myself that the lowest circle of Hell in Dante's Inferno is reserved for betrayers. That this is the worst thing he could do to the only people in the world who wouldn't put him in jail. That he [I]saw [/I]how much it hurt us when he did it before, he [I]saw [/I]me cry, he [I]saw [/I]our pain, and he did it again. I think of all the things that went missing in the last two years, home improvement supplies, the playstation, the guitars (got them back), the archery equipment (got one back), the CD's and DVD's, my gold chains, my mother's engagement ring. He still says he didn't take the jewelry, but then why would he tell the truth? Since he came back, I'd been sure at one point that I had a $20 bill in a box by my bed but when I went to get it, it was gone and I convinced I wasn't sure it had been there. The gas money he got cash for instead was stealing. It was one thing after another after another. All the while we're providing him a roof and a car and cigarettes and buying food only he would eat. Through most of it we were giving him an allowance. Not two weeks ago I bought him a $35 book for D&D. We forgave the smoking pot, the lies, the tantrums and the fists through the door the foul language. He's always apologetic. He's always sorry. He's always going to make up for it. I know he never means it. You see, I do know what he's done. I know we weren't wrong. He's had chance after chance after chance to be a decent person, an honest person and he's blown every one. But I still see it getting colder and I still worry about what he's going to do for food and my heart breaks. Jabber is more worried about what we're going to do when he calls in a week or so and wants to come home. Or he showed up on our door step cold and hungry. Maybe the shelter is full? Maybe it's raining or snowing and he has no coat or boots? How do we turn him away? He's right to worry. That's going to be really, really hard. My plan at the moment is to make him a sandwich and offer him a ride to the homeless shelter if it's raining...if it's dry, he can walk. I just hope I can stay that strong. [/QUOTE]
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