We met with-difficult child at the psychiatric hospital

[TerryJ2]

We met with-difficult child tonight. He seemed happy and well adjusted. We talked a bit and played a trivia game, Battle of the Sexes. It's a good idea to bring games because he's not the chatty type.
He wants to come home but did not beg or make a scene, just stated it when he hugged us. Very calm.
Gosh, if he were only like this all the time ...
He said the Klonipin made him sleepy in the a.m. but it's only been 2 days so I signed a release to continue it.
We meet with-the social wkr tomorrow at 3 p.m. to discuss a plan, and then visit difficult child again tomorrow night from 6-7.
We won't get the results of the blood or psychiatric tests until Mon. or Tues.

easy child didn't want to go because she was afraid she'd cry, but husband talked her into it because she's only allowed to visit on weekends, and she works tomorrow. We all did very well.
When we left, difficult child didn't argue or stall, just walked across the hall to the common area where a nurse was putting in a video movie. He loves to watch movies (anything electronic, but they do not allow video games, for good reason). He remembered to wave through the window but didn't seem too upset that we were leaving, just a normal wave. He seemed so mature and calm and I was very proud of him.

He gave husband the longest hugs coming and going ... I think he directly associates his hospital stay with-his fight with-husband and feels guilty. I really want to talk to him about it and explain that it's a pattern of behavior that we want to change, and not a punishment for blowing up with-husband. I know the staff has spoken to him, but I can see he feels a new connection with-husband and some of it is guilt driven. Of course, husband fed on that because he is so lonesome. Sigh.

easy child, husband and I went to dinner afterward and husband got teary eyed at dinner. He's very lonesome and not handling this well.
I actually feel really good about it. difficult child is safe and structured and calm.

I spoke with-my friend, R, today, whose son, S, is aspie and ready to move out. She was full of helpful suggestions and very sympathetic. She was surprised that everything escalated so fast, but said it's a very good thing and we will get some answers. She agreed that an 11-yr-old shouldn't be so angry and anxious, and we should have a plan, both short- and long-term. She suggested occupational therapy, and a test for Fragile X.

She has met difficult child and said when people find out that he spent a wk in the psychiatric unit, they will not be surprised. He's always been different, and of course, those very close to us know he has been violent and angry for a long time. She said people will be supportive. Some of that she is saying from experience, since her son has been through so much.

husband and I agree we really don't care what label the hospital gives him, as long as it comes with-a plan. And, of course, that the plan works.

 

[tiredmommy]

{{{Terry}}}
I'm glad the meeting went well. Do you think difficult child is behaving calmly because he feels safe there? Maybe he understands it's for the best and because his family loves him?

 

[TerryJ2]

I think he feels safe, but think that the klonipin helps with-his anxiety. What really got me was the he seemed genuinely happy to see us. I haven't seen him like that in a long time ... since he was a toddler or preschooler. It seems like when I pick him up at school or see him at home, he's always got an angry agenda of some sort. This is so nice! We certainly tell him we love him when we see him, and have told him that at home, but you know, when you say "I love you" after a blowup and he's going to bed, he probably thinks it's sarcastic. This mtng was done at face value.

 

[nvts]

Terry, I was hoping things were going well! I've been thinking about you guys a lot and was praying that he was "getting it".

this has to be so tough. Keep on pushing, things'll get better!

Beth

 

[Wiped Out]

Terry,
I'm glad he is feeling safe and that the klonipin is helping. My difficult child always did very well in the psychiatric hospital. Interestingly my husband was a lot like your husband when difficult child was in the psychiatric hospital. In some ways it was harder on him than me. I always get the violence where husband gets the constant, glued to the hip difficult child.

I'm glad you are able to experience that feeling of him being genuinely happy to see you. Hugs.

 

[Andy]

I am so happy for you! Good things are happening for your family.

Like you, when my difficult child was in the psychiatric hospital, I also was determined that it didn't matter what was going on with him - what his "label" was - but that as long as he got the help he needed, we can make it through anything.

I worked for an acute behavioral health facility - those people that live their lives chained to their illness. I have seen the worst possible scenarios and was so scared for my difficult child. Then I started seeing that there are people who are able to control their illnesses, who have accepted it and take their medications and follow their doctor's orders. They leave happy lives with families. When people say, "My husband is on that and is doing well" or "I took that at one time." and I know these people. It was very comforting.

I know that if anyone can overcome, conquer, learn to live a happy life with severe anxiety, my difficult child can. Our boys are the same age (mine will be 12 on Sept 3rd) and I have a feeling that your difficult child can also overcome, conquer, learn to live a happy life if he puts his mind to it. He has to really want it and be willing to work at it though. We can lead them to it but can't make them accept the responsibility.

Your difficult child is so lucky to have you as his mom. You will make sure that he has the tools he needs - let's just pray that he will use them.

 

[amazeofgrace]

and a test for Fragile X.

have not heard of this test yet?

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Terry,

I'm glad the visit went well and difficult child was not anxious or sobbing when you left. You have the right attitude - this is for difficult child's sake. Hugs.

Sharon

 

[Fran]

Glad it was a positive visit.
I'm somewhat surprised that husband is lonely for difficult child. Your difficult child has been so difficult for you and eventually husband. He misses that? Isn't he relieved that there is a respite and help with difficult child? Isn't he relieved that the anger isn't permeating the house? I felt sadness but so much relief that someone else was going to see what I saw daily.
No one really needs to know where difficult child is or where he has been. I don't mean it's a secret but it's a "need to know" sort of thing for me. Everyone does not need to know difficult child's business. The one's I share with are people who care about difficult child or our family. the rest get "difficult child has been having a struggle and has been getting evaluated". The specifics are really not anyone's business. I always felt like it's a fine line between protecting difficult child's privacy and not projecting shame or secrecy. It's hard to walk that without falling on either side of the line.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Terry, what a hopeful update. You are all in my prayers.

 

[ML]

Very encouraging. I'm very hopeful that you will finally have some answers. Thinking of you Terry xo ML

 

[luvmyottb]

Very encouraging. Thinking of you and family. Hugs. Stay strong.

 

[trinityroyal]

Terry, Glad to hear such a hopeful update.
I agree. The label doesn't matter, as long as you get a plan that works.

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you all.
Fran, I have no idea what's going on in husband's head ... he tends to romanticize things so that may be what it is. He didn't have to face the day-to-day anger for yrs like I did. It's only recent with-him.
I like your ideas about need-to-know, not projecting shame, but protecting privacy.
husband and I talked about that a bit yesterday ... which relatives to tell, and mostly, who not to tell, for fear of a know-it-all-lecture, tons of useless email and links we've already read, blah blah blah. And we don't want people at school misinterpreting so we've been very careful not to tell anyone associated with-school yet. We will tell his teacher, but we're going to make it more of a medical issue with-educational facets. But that won't be for a few days. I want to just soak this all in and relax in the meantime.

Amazed, Fragile X is a genetic mutation that can be found using a DNA test. The test is the only known test that can indicate a cause of autism. Everything else is behavioral. Doesn't matter if you eat mercury by the pound, there's still no real test for autism. I had ignored Fragile X b4 because difficult child is not a textbook case--doesn't have big ears, etc., but then nothing about him is textbook, and he's already in the hospital, so why not?

Andy, I agree, we can work with-our illnesses, or use them as a crutch. That's a biggie for me. I have an elderly cousin, and a s-i-l who define themselves by their illnesses. They are very difficult to be around. To say the least.

I'm looking forward to the mtng at 3 today.

I'm also hoping that husband got some sleep and that going to church this a.m. helped him. He is very religious (I'm not at all religious), so I did ask him at dinner last night if he believed that God gave us difficult child for a reason, or if there was something he could get out of it, and he wasn't really on target with-his answer, just feeling badly for himself, struggling. I guess it was too philosophical for him at this point.
He's a "fix it" kind of person and this is one he cannot fix.
I was raised in a dysfunctional home, so in one sense, I have better coping skills. Also, getting professional help was something I always wanted as a kid but there was such a huge sense of shame and privacy attached to it, no one ever did. I couldn't help my mother, but I can help my son. That makes me feel very good.
Not that it won't be a lot of work, but I'm more than willing to do it. Heck, we've been working all along!

 

[Nomad]

I agree....what we did with this sort of thing...
"need to know basis." I kept most very sensitive items close to my vest.
I had "levels' of information revealed based on who needed to know and how much I trusted them.
For example, sometimes I just told folks that difficult child had ADHD (yes, that is part of the diagnosis) and not the full story.
A few small few, know the full story.
However, it has been hard.
Yep...it was a shock to me when I realized that most folks already have a good understanding that my difficult child was way different than others. I thought I had hid it very well.
However, I have learned that many also see her good heart and that some are patient and kind.
Few (maybe none???) really understand what it is like for the family.
Continued good thoughts, prayers and hugs. I believe I understand very well how difficult this is. sniff.
p.s.
If God speaks to your husband regarding why He gave you guys your difficult child, please have your husband call me or tell God that although things are getting clearer here, it's still a bit fuzzy and painful, and I too would like to hear from Him. Thank you.

 

[Andy]

The way we explained to difficult child's friends and classmates who had watched his downhill slide: "You know that difficult child has been sick since before school started. He needs medication to feel better. He is at a place where he can get these medications quickly. He will be home soon."

This seemed to satisfy his friends. They knew something was wrong with difficult child and were satisfied that he was getting help.

 

[BusynMember]

Terry, I'm so glad your son is loving yet mature (understanding, my guess) of his stay. It matters if you get the right treatment for him--it seems like everyone thinks he has autistic traits. Fragile X causes autistic traits. My son had a complete genetics test just to be sure, but all the possible gentics problemls came back negative, including Fragile X. Careful that even a hospital can miss Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)--and THAT is NOT an illness at all, but a neurological difference. He would then need a different type of help other than talk therapy and medication. (((Hugs))) to all of you--I"m glad your husband loves your son. It's touching that he misses him although they have had problems.
Best to all!

 

[ML]

Thank you for the updates. I'm praying and listening with my heart for answers (by the way if I hear from God I'll let you and Nomad know. One thing I am grateful for through this journey is you all).

Hugs, ML

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you all.
In reg. to God, today, husband said he thinks we're here to help difficult child and that he will never give up on him, ever.
I'm still trying to clear up the fuzziness of the communication on that end but I'll let you all know when it clears up.
I've posted a new thread on our visit today.

Sometimes, out of the blue, I get a weird, detached feeling like I'm dreaming. You know how, for ex., your dog dies and you cry your eyes out, then go to bed, thinking it will all be better when you wake up. Then you wake up, and for a split second, you wake up in a peaceful, calm place, where you're forgotten about your grief and the heaviness, and then BOOM! you remember it all.
It's like that. But it's in the middle of the day and I'm just standing in the kitchen.