We need an exorcism

[Roxona]

As far as not going on a sleep-over "because he owes his dad a night of going to bed early"... I don't really get either side of this. I'm guessing that your hubby is a big supporter of the "punishment" side of child rearing.

It's not that he is a big supporter of punishment. We have tried so many different things...positive reinforcement, charts with positive rewards, natural consequences, compliments when doing something appropriate, extra chores, time outs, etc. Dad tries to stay away from corporal punishment, and I don't use it at all. If we give him a treat as a positive reward, he will try to negotiate for something different. In the end, anything positive we do ends up being a fight to get something more or something different, and when he doesn't get it, we all start to get edgy and tell him to stop. When he will not stop, he starts making people angry and then he gets sent to his room because he has pushed everyone over the edge. He also thinks he should get a prize for everything he does. I don't agree with this. He's 10 years old. He doesn't need to get a prize for flushing the toilet or brushing his teeth. There has to be some other way.

We also found that denying social opportunity was always a bad thing to do - our kids need it - unless the problem behavior was in a social setting.

I agree social opportunities are good, and he has plenty of them all day long...at school and playing with the neighbor kids. However, SS10 has a difficult time getting along with others, so a lot of kids will not play with him anymore...or, like last Friday, they will gang up on him and spit on him. It's horrible. I feel awful that he has things like this happen to him, but he treats them that way and has been awful to so many people, that now we're starting to see them retaliate against him. I have had to stop working because his behavior was such a problem with after school care.

As for owing going to bed early...SS10 will not stay in bed. He gets up and complains about something every single night, or tells us he has somethings important to tell us, or plays with the animals, or plays in his room. He used to go downstairs to play videogames all night long and eat snacks, but we put an alarm on the stairs to wake us when he did. He will do this all night long, and then be even more difficult to deal with the whole next day because he didn't get enough sleep. He doesn't want to go to sleep...I get that, but he has to in order to function and not drive everyone crazy. At one point he was even on sleeping medication, but it wasn't helping. We've put a good routine in place. He showers, brushes teeth, reduces stimulus before going to bed, reads for 30 minutes, and then lights out. Instead, he will whine about going to bed, pick on his brother and cause chaos, make every excuse not to go to bed, and then keep getting up. Rinse, repeat, every single night. Dad decided to put him to bed early until he can stay in bed. If anyone has a better idea, I'm all ears. I would love to know if there some other way because I'm all out of ideas. SS6 isn't this way and neither was J.

Everything is a battle. This child is like playing chess, and I feel like we always have to stay five moves ahead of him at all times.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Everything is a battle. This child is like playing chess, and I feel like we always have to stay five moves ahead of him at all times.

What evaluations has he had, and who did them?
He seems to have a bit of an alphabet-soup of diagnoses, most of which would not be unusual to be co-morbid with a more "umbrella" diagnosis.

In particular, who diagnosed attachment disorder, and when? Dealing with attachment disordered kids is a completely different parenting game.

 

[pigless in VA]

Insane has a valid point. If SS10 has reactive attachment disorder, you will want to educate yourself on that.

Everything is a battle. This child is like playing chess, and I feel like we always have to stay five moves ahead of him at all times.

Living with young Ferb was exactly like this. Before I landed at the CD board, I sought help from a respected parenting group up the street from me. The nice lady there told me that I should hand my child a cookie sheet covered with shaving cream and allow him to write letters in it. I left her office understanding that clearly my child's behavior was outside the norm. IF I had given Ferb such a thing, I would have had shaving cream all over my kitchen. I did give him some in the bathtub, and he had fun with it there. Some of us have a harder time finding out what works for our children.

It is exhausting dealing with an argumentative child. Just for your information, Ferb was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. One therapist thought he might be bipolar, but she never even met him. As of today, I don't think that applies to him.

Whatever the diagnosis, you are in the trenches with this boy. Keep trying different things with him. The nighttime routine sounds like a good idea to me. How many times does SS10 get up? Do you notice any difference on days when he has a lot of physical activity outside? Will he go to sleep better then? Does he share a room with his brother?

I like the idea of having books for children in their rooms. I think that televisions/games/tablets are too stimulating to the mind and aren't conducive for good sleep.

When our grandchildren are with us, I've noticed that they eat quite a lot of sugar and drink only soft drinks. I personally think that too much sugar late in the day can cause sleep issues. Their parents allow them to watch t.v. until they fall asleep. These kids have difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep.

The only idea that I can come up with today is what if you give SS10 an incentive to go to bed cooperatively? For example, if he were to go to bed on time, no arguments, no messing with brother or pets, and STAY IN HIS BED for the rest of the week, could he do it? Could you reward him on Friday with video game time? I would also allow him to look at books in his bed maybe even with a low light on, as long as he stayed in the bed. I have a timer for my fish tank that turns the light out at a certain time. You could allow him some extended reading time, and then "click" the light goes off at a time you deem appropriate. That gives him a bit of independence, and you some control. Plus, it removes all the argument time.

Good luck tonight.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Unless you KNOW exactly what you are dealing with (and that involves a lot more than just what the professionals say... with or without intensive evaluations)... it's really hard to know what to try. Things that work for developmental concerns such as Asperger's, do NOT work with attachment disordered kids. Things that work for attachment disorder do not work with Asperger's. And if you happen to have a kid with both Asperger's and some (later-acquired) attachment challenges... it gets really tough.

It's 10x tougher for you, because you're "just" the step-parent. You can't actually DO anything, except under Dad's control and approval.

All you can really do at this point is to educate yourself about any possible diagnosis this child might be dealing with... and then try things that work for those types of diagnoses.

 

[Roxona]

Thanks for the suggestions, Pigless. I agree with a lot you are suggesting and have already implemented some of it. They used to have TVs in their rooms and would fall asleep watching...or not. When I moved in, the TVs left their rooms. They have ipads and we let them play their ipads or watch a show on them after dinner as an incentive for trying hard that day. They get more ipad time during the weekend when I'm not home because Dad wants to watch his shows, and I think they are too mature for the kids to watch at their ages. They have books in their rooms or on a bookshelf in the hallway. I make sure they read on all the week days and Dad will read to SS10 at night before bed. I cut out a lot of the sugar and junk food in their diet, and I'm not a baker so we don't have a lot of cookies laying around to tempt even me. We have fruit, cheese sticks, nuts, etc. instead, which they enjoy.

I'll have to think about the night time thing. He already has 30 minutes to read after going to bed.

InsaneCdn, you bring up a good point. I don't believe SS10 has ever had a full evaluation. Bits and pieces here and there, but I don't believe anything that was complete. That being said, my husband and I met with a family counselor today to discuss what happened over the weekend and other things that have occurred and he recommended in-patient treatment, which my husband was finally willing to accept. He will be looking into the children's hospital in our area and getting things set up for a full evaluation.

 

[pigless in VA]

Roxona,

That is encouraging news! I'm going to find the link to the parent report for you. It will help you and Dad to consolidate SS10's story into a brief format for the professionals.http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/parent-report-updated.225/#axzz42J1WOWEC

I know you are making a huge positive difference in this boy's life. He needed consistency and firmness and boundaries. You are giving him those things in order to grow, and you are educating Dad. Son may say he hates you, because he is only 10. When he is much older, he will understand how much love is behind the boundaries.

My significant other (SO) has been in our lives for 5 years. I was shell-shocked after what I went through with my husband. Parenting was not my main focus, and I had allowed too many things to slide: no bedtimes, irregular showers, kids did no chores, etc. We are finally reaching a place where the kids understand how all those changes we made to their lives have an importance. They are more responsible, more respectful, and more appreciative. They are back on the road to becoming independent and better citizens. Was losing a parent tragic? Yes, it was. Will it prevent them from maturing, I sure hope not. I've told them all along, bad things happen to every person. We have to find a way to grieve our losses and make our futures better.

 

[Roxona]

Thanks for the encouragement, pigless. This has been such a rollercoaster ride. I'm sorry for all that you have gone through. I wouldn't want to wish this on anyone. It sounds like your family and mine have gone through a lot of the same things. My husband was shell shocked as well, and things got out of control. I can completely sympathize with his pain. I know how his boys feel because I lost my father to a motor vehicle accident when I was 19, so I had to learn to cope with the loss of my father to whom I was very close. I later lost my mother to a heart attack. I hope that the boys will see in time that I am here for them to help them along their journey.