We see 3rd investigator on Monday

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by OpenWindow, Jun 28, 2008.

  1. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    We have already talked to the state police and DHS, now I have to take difficult child and easy child 2 in to see an investigator with the Sheriff's Office on Monday. (We are being investigated because he was caught with my younger easy child in the pool touching her inappropriately.)

    Neither of the first two investigators talked to difficult child. I thought that was a little odd, and so did difficult child's counselor, who made the report. I'm hoping that is why the third investigator is making us come in, to complete that part of the report. I hate that she is making easy child come in and talk again. So far, when anyone has tried to talk to her she just shuts down and doesn't say anything, or lies about what happened. I just want to get her counseling started, and quit trying to force her to talk, but we can't do that until the investigation is over.

    I told difficult child he was going to have to talk to this investigator and he said he was going to tell them it was none of their business. I told him that was a good way to get himself in more trouble. He still was defiant and put all of his anger on me for telling on him.

    The next morning I talked to difficult child again. This time he said he would talk to them. He told me that he hated himself for what he did, he can't believe he actually did it. He said he knows it won't happen again, because if it does he would kill himself.

    This seems like a breakthrough, but I'm not sure it is. It's good that he talked about it a little more, but I'm not sure he really "felt" what he was saying. I still don't thing he really gets it, but he knows what he should be thinking.

    I just hope that he's not defiant on Monday when he's talking to the investigator.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Kids who molest are extremely manipulative. they also often re-offend. You need to let the process play out and to get him help and, most of often, KEEP him AWAY from your daughter and never allow them to be unsupervised, even outside alone. You have no way of knowing if this is the first time or if it is just the first time he was caught. He is still living there. Your daughter is probably afraid to talk about everything--it may have happened before, maybe even a lot. Maybe it WAS the only time, but you may not know the extent of it for a long time, maybe years. Protect your daughter. Your son needs help, but your daughter needs protection.
  3. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    Her protection is my first priority and she has not been left alone.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Good luck with this Linda. I hope that this will be the beginning of your son's recovery.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Wow, Linda, I'm sorry you are going thru this- and that your easy child has to go thru it. I'm not sure of the details or how far out of line things went, so I'm at somewhat at a loss. I do get that something inappropriate happened and that this isn't like 2 curious 5 yo's. (I think you are talking about a 12 yo boy and an 8 yo girl.)

    Will difficult child open up and discuss it any deeper with his therapist than he is with you? Why do you have to wait for the investigation to be over before easy child can see a therapist? Have the police or anyone given you any clue about what will happen from here?

    I can't imagine the turmoil. ((HUGS)) Keep us posted...
  6. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    Thanks Witzend, I'm praying it will be too.

    klmno - yes, it's the 12 y.o. and the 8 y.o. They were in the pool, I was inside sitting at the window watching them. difficult child apparently threatened difficult child and then pulled her shorts out and touched her (in the front). It looked to me like they were just talking but I saw easy child pull away and then difficult child had this odd look on his face when he saw me looking out the window, so I went out to see what was going on. easy child immediately told me what happened. I told difficult child's counselor, who told me she had to report it since it was "skin to skin" and because of the age difference. We're pretty sure this was the first time because we very closely supervise difficult child around easy child because he threatens her and hits her. (I know it's very possible it has happened before, but everything is leaning towards this being the first time)

    The sex abuse counselor won't talk to difficult child or easy child about it until the investigation is over, because apparently they can be accused of influencing what they say to the investigators. DHS/DCFS has 30 days to finish their investigation. They send the report to the sheriff's office, who can choose to investigate on their own and possibly press charges. (Although I'm not sure, I think the person we're talking to on Monday is with the Sheriff's Office.) A report is also sent to our town's police department, and they can choose to investigate on their own. The state police investigator told me not to "freak out" if our town police dept. comes calling, because they "like to do things on their own." I don't think there's any time frame for the sheriff dept. or the police, so we just get to worry every time a police car drives by that they are going to stop and try to make my daughter talk about it again, which she has so far refused to do with anyone but me and I know it upsets her. The DHS worker told us everything seemed in order and if we stick to the safety plan, she doesn't see any need to go further. She did remind us, though, that the sheriff and police were different and either or both could decide to charge difficult child.

    Once the DHS investigation is over, we can get them both into counseling. We have a safety plan in place to protect our daughter and to make sure difficult child isn't placed in a situation where there is an opportunity for him to do this again. So right now, everything just seems like it's in limbo and I really just want to get them both in counseling to make sure my daughter's OK and to make sure difficult child's issues are addressed so he doesn't feel the need to do anything like this again.

    difficult child wouldn't talk to his counselor (she tried talking to him before she reported it to see if we could find out any details we didn't have). I'm pretty sure he will talk to his counselor now, but I'm really not sure how deep he will go with it.

    I guess that's it in a nutshell.
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    GEEZ- what a nightmare. At least you caught it before it got worse. You're doing everything you can, so don't beat yourself up. I hope both the kids get the best help possible and that you can find relief in here somewhere, at some point.

  8. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    Thanks. That's what we're hoping and praying for.

    We put the alarm on difficult child's door last night. At first he was mad about it, then he started playing with it. Drove us crazy coming into and out of his room last night until about midnight. We figure it will take a couple of nights for him to get used to it, then he won't feel the need to go to the bathroom or get a drink or make sure we locked the front door or come ask us what he's supposed to do if he has to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night or come out just because he forgot to say goodnight.
  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    You're taking all the right steps.....it's a difficult situation with few options other than the ones you are taking.

    I'm praying for you & yours that this can be handled with the delicacy it deserves & respect to which your entire family is entitled.

    Take care of yourself in the meantime. Mom's tend to suffer the most through this. You have done & are doing your job ~ believe that.
  10. change

    change New Member


    Just wanted to offer support. We're going through a similar situation...the details are different and my son's attack was much more violent (wasn't his first). At least it sounds like you're getting help right away. We tried since our son't first attack/proposition and no one except therapists would do anything about it. You're not alone in your conflicted feelings. I felt the same and now that he's out of our home, I am so angry at him but also feel sorry for him. My daughter's life is RUINED right now and we are in intense therapy trying to get her back on track. I hope your easy child doesn't go through the same backlash. Our daughter is not really a easy child (comapred to her brother...YES but compared to "normal kids" NO) but she had so much going for her before she fell completely apart after the attack. Again, good luck with everything and take some time for yourself.