Weary mom has had enough

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by guitaristmom, May 11, 2014.

  1. guitaristmom

    guitaristmom New Member

    My daughter's behavior took a sharp downturn when she turned 13. That year, she hit me in the car after I picked her up from school. her behavior soon turned to truancy (also faking illness to get out of school)'and at night til we caught it and nailed the window closed, running out to parties and drugs with her friends overnight.

    She was diagnosed with conduct disorder in high school. Damage to a wall in our home, I called the police. For years being called by her to me profanity. Got her drivers license at 20 and in 5 years went through 4 cars. The first one was totaled. The second she didn't want after all so she traded it in for an old car, engined died. Husband consigned yet another car loan a year ago, then there is the DUI and its charges, paying two large speeding tickets, car repairs, food bills..she got a job. Her student loans kicked in but she did not pay them so my husband did because his name was on them. Got her license suspended and we helped reinstatement, then suspended again without our knowledge then she told us, and we told her to correct the matter, no time. She bought a $375 kitty litter box, and I witnessed a shopping spree. Unprotected sex with a guy she met online on a singles board led to a baby.

    Baby not cared for..bottles left to stagnate in room. Told her to pick them up. Moldy bottles in sink, dishes piled high. Drugs in home. I called cps. She won't let me see grandbaby anymore.
    Her boyfriend won't let his parents see the baby either.

    Driving the car on a suspended license, she has paid no car loan payments, disregard for the law, she is stopped and car impounded. Car in husbands name, we have to go down and get it, cost to take out of impound: $275. Billed daughter thru bank for charge and she declined.

    We ended up in front of a therapist. With his guidance, we have determine that the only way she will get her car back is if she pays the purchase price in full, and the impound fee, and if she has a valid drivers license (at last report she told husband that the license branch won't reinstate it)

    She went from calling me her best friend 6 weeks ago to using profanity again and my being her enemy. her actions have strained my husband and my marriage. He wants to work it out buthe has to get through his own anger of being exploited by her for $10,000 last year and the fact that she has stuck him with $100k of student loans. We are being asked by her default to pay for the two purebred dogs she got at top dollar in college, the one thousand dollar electronic violinand who knows how much more on drugs and partying.

    We are hiring a lawyer in about a week to garnish her wages. Emotionally I am getting off my daughter's roller coaster.


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  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Good for you.
     
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome. Seems an irony that your first post is on Mothers day. I'm sorry you have gone through so much with your daughter. You will find you are not alone, many of us here have very similar stories.

    You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post, it's helpful.

    That is the answer of many of us. They don't generally change, but we can. We can seek professional help to learn to detach and accept what we can't change and as a result of that acceptance, we can lead normal, happy lives.

    The first thing most of us learn to do is to stop the money going to them from us. Get those boundaries set up quickly. It appears you are doing that.

    Seek support in as many venues as you can. NAMI, is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, you can access them online, they have chapters everywhere and are a terrific source of support for US. They offer parent groups which are very, very good.

    Families anonymous is also a very good source of support for parents.

    Setting boundaries around their negative behavior gets us out of being held hostage by their choices. It is a hard road, but for many of us, it becomes absolutely necessary.

    You may want to read some of our stories here.........you may want to read the thread on acceptance that ECHO began, it has good information in it.

    It takes time to learn how to detach, to let go of our anger, our resentment, our guilt, our expectations, our fear, our sorrow, our losses.............it's a challenging experience for all of us and takes us to the brink of our coping skill. However, you CAN change and learn to take steps back, to not go down every rabbit hole our kids jump into. It takes time, it takes a strong commitment, but it's doable.

    You're not alone. It helps to post here and get your story heard and acknowledged by those of us who've been in your shoes. Stay the course and keep posting. Wishing you peace on this journey.............
     
  4. guitaristmom

    guitaristmom New Member

    Thank you so much for responding. I will be reading a lot and learning on this board. Thank you very much!


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  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Wow. I'm so sorry for all your sorrow. I wish you had found us before.

    Can you share more of her story with us? Why is she still living at home? Do you still support her or pay for her stuff? She has to at least be 25 and should be doing that herself and may not grow up if she doesn't. Any drug use? Do you allow her to go out while you babysit for her baby? Do you have any life at all beyond taking care of this adult? Your husband as every right to be furious at her. How dare she stick him with all that money, not pay it back, and (I assume) still live at home where she gets food, warm bedding and internet? Maybe cell phone on your dime? REALLY? I don't know if your husband is her father or not. If he isn't, it's amazing he hasn't left the situation completely. If he isn't...where is dad, not that it matter anyway...whatever is going on with her, SHE has to deal with it now. She is a woman now, whether s he likes it or not. She is not that cute little kid you used to laugh with. She is all grown up.

    Maybe she called you her best friend six weeks ago because you bought her something or gave her money. Sadly our difficult children do not like being forced to grow up and if we dare to cut off the money supply at all OR if we tell them they have to find a place to live and, worse yet, get a job to pay for it and their other things, they tend to freak out on us and abuse us sometimes in terrible ways. Your daughter is abusing you. Under no circumstances should you let her live in your house, in my opinion. She has no more right to abuse you or ruin your house or threaten you th an anyone. Her being your grown daughter does not allow her to treat you like garbage. There is no way in hello I personally would ever help her with a car. She should be paying for her own car, if she can buy one, and frankly she sounds like a hazard on the street. Why would you help pay for that when she is twenty six or older? Why would you want her on the street...she could kill herself or somebody else. You can't stop her from buying her own car, but you don't have to help her get back on the road. I did this with my own daughter w hen she was getting into accidents...no car. But she was only a teenager. Still, she was driving on drugs!!

    Your daughter sounds like a little kid..."I want it, I'm getting it, I don't care if I can afford it or not." She needs to learn about real life or s he won't make it on her own and we parents can not live forever. And sometimes our difficult children impede our health and life span if we allow it.

    She should, in my layman's opinion, have her own therapist and your should have one too for yourself. Why do you both see the same one? Dad around?

    You are new to this. I have a book you may like to read as you start a hopefully new journey. It's called "Codepdent No More" by Melody Beatty. I also think reading our article here on detachment is really helpful.

    Sadly, our difficult children are not like other adults who yearn to be independent and live their own lives. We have to take a stand or else OUR lives will be awful forever and theirs will not improve either. We can not fix them or control them. They are on their own. And so are we. Only person we can fix is ourselves.

    Hugs and sorry for your hurting mommy heart.
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2014
  6. guitaristmom

    guitaristmom New Member

    We got a therapist and the bank of mom and dad is closed for business. We enabled out of a sense that we were helping her. As our therapist said we were only making it worse. She doesn't live with us bit witha guy she met on a singles board who is one of the most antisocial people you could ever meet. he cut his own parents off and spends his life playing video games.

    Believe me in this that the enabling has stopped. I am also going to be talking to the attorney about a living will that cuts her out especially in making decisions about me. I am fairly certain if nothing was done she would beat me as an old woman.

    Bank of parents closed. We got the car key and the car will be sold this month. She will not get it back. Our lawyer said if she had gotten in an accident with it being in my husband's name, that my husband could have been sued. We are cutting off all communication until she realizes she needs help and then absolutely no money.
     
  7. guitaristmom

    guitaristmom New Member

    We got a therapist and the bank of mom and dad is closed for business. We enabled out of a sense that we were helping her. As our therapist said we were only making it worse. She doesn't live with us bit witha guy she met on a singles board who is one of the most antisocial people you could ever meet. he cut his own parents off and spends his life playing video games.

    Believe me in this that the enabling has stopped. I am also going to be talking to the attorney about a living will that cuts her out especially in making decisions about me. I am fairly certain if nothing was done she would beat me as an old woman.

    Bank of parents closed. We got the car key and the car will be sold this month. She will not get it back. Our lawyer said if she had gotten in an accident with it being in my husband's name, that my husband could have been sued. We are cutting off all communication until she realizes she needs help and then absolutely no money. Ps I doubt she would see a therapist and she is convinced her mother (me) is the problem. My therapist calls it projection. Daughter has no conscience whatsoever to the point of being scary.
     
  8. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Guitaristmom, I am so sorry for the painful day you are having. Hopefully you can at least have some peace and quiet today without any drama going on. To me, that is about the best present there is.

    I have a difficult child daughter who has bipolar disorder, and your daughter sounds so much like her with the spending sprees, temper tantrums, promiscuous behavior, and violent outbursts. Of course I am not a psychiatrist, but I was struck by the similarities. I am also aware that there are several mental conditions that mimic bipolar, as well as drug use. I will say that at the moment difficult child is taking her medications and has been stable since late February when she attempted suicide.

    I am curious why child protective services did not act upon the call you made. It seems that a filthy home with drugs would be reason for them to intervene?

    Please keep posting here. These are some great moms full of wisdom and compassion. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Really.
     
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    You are finally ready. That's a good day when we are finally ready to stop.

    Good day for them. Good day for us.

    We get there when we get there. And sometimes even after we get there, we go back a bit, and then usually, we get burned again, and then we are ready to stop.

    This is hard, hard stuff. This is stuff most people in the world will never have to learn how to do. When our own precious children---now adults----continue to act out and not take responsibility and not follow the rules of society and lean on us to save them over and over and over and over again---and we do---and still nothing changes---in fact it often just gets worse---we finally learn.

    I am still taking steps forward in this awful journey. I am glad for this site, and other tools like Al-Anon and books and writing and prayer and exercise and doing nice things for me that are giving me a foundation to stand on so I can value myself as much as I value my difficult child.

    Sometimes I am thankful for the outrageousness of the things difficult child has done because the situations are so far off course that they get my attention. Nobody acts like this. Nobody would think this is remotely acceptable. Nobody would tolerate this.

    I tolerated so much for so long because it happened slowly at first. The downturn was a long downward gradual slope not a steep dropoff like it has been for the past nearly five years.

    I just thought he was immature and lazy. For way too long.

    And then he was an adult and he started getting caught. The stakes were much higher. The decisions were taken out of my hands.

    Now he's almost 25 and he's really dug a deep hole for himself. Not impossible to climb out of---nothing is impossible----but quite frankly, unless there is a spiritual awakening---unlikely.

    We have to focus on ourselves at some point. Glad you are at that point---for you. Blessings and hugs and prayers for you and your family tonight. Including your daughter.
     
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