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General Parenting
Week #3 of our trip through ODD land
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 377018" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Needprayers, if you can - make the punishments more as consequences. For example, if his inattention is because he was playing a game, take the game away for a little while until he complies, then let him have it back when his chores are done. You took the game away (or rather, took it into custody) because the game was distracting him. </p><p></p><p>What he will be more likely to get, is the natural consequences. You explained things well, it seems it is what he needs. </p><p></p><p>The more you describe, the more I feel your son should be considered for high functioning autism. With this, the child is desperately tying to work out what the natural laws are, because everything seems chaotic and he can't work out how to fit himself in to the picture. Logic in te extreme is what he is trying to use to understand things. It's like a kid watching a large skipping rope turning fast, waiting until he's worked out the rhythm of the rope before running in and having a few jumps - you don't just run in if you haven't got the pace in your head mentally. You have to be in tune with it. Similarly, High-Functioning Autism (HFA) kids are trying to mentally get the pace of life (and te rules) but have a much more difficult time; they need help to get it. Logic is a valuable tool. ANd they will work out for themselves what the rules are, and the rules they work out mau not actually be the real ones. </p><p></p><p>For example - difficult child 3's school had a rule that children may not hit other people. difficult child 3 saw the rules written down. He knew the rule. But his experience told him differently - when the teacher wasn't looking, other kids would hit. They would hit him, they would hit other kids. Sometimes the other kids would hit back. But difficult child 3 could never get the rhythm of it - the other kids who hit (or hit back) generally did it when the teacher was distracted. difficult child 3 would hit back and get caught. Also, I suspect there was a strong element of "watch out for difficult child 3; he is dangerous and unstable" and so the slightest step out of line, even an accusation not proven, and difficult child 3 would be in serious trouble. Meanwhile the kids who had provoked him got off scot free. So the rule in difficult child 3's mind became - "Hitting is not allowed and will be punished, if you're difficult child 3. Other kids hit and don't get into trouble. They hit difficult child 3. difficult child 3 must accept being hit and not hit back. Therefore difficult child 3 deserves to be hit."</p><p></p><p>Another rule difficult child 3 worked out for himself was, "First they call you names, then they hit you. You must endure this."</p><p>We transferred difficult child 3 to a different school, one which happened to be very strict about bullying. Soon after he arrived he was standing in the way of a mass exodus (the new kid not knowing which way to go) when a boy behind said, "Out of my way, dummy."</p><p>difficult child 3 didn't move, he just stood there looking at the boy. Then he said, "Go on, hit me."</p><p>The boy, to his credit, went to get a teacher. He thought difficult child 3 was trying to start a fight. The teacher, to his credit, realised what was happening and told me about it later. They kew his history (he was a traumatised kid from years of systematic bullying) and realised he had a great deal to unlearn.</p><p></p><p>With your son, I suggest you also ask him why he took the phone to school. Find out why he felt it necessary. Maybe he felt he needed it for the status thing ("other kids take their phones to school even though it's not allowed." Or "This other kid said he didn't believe me when I said I had my own phone; he said he had to see it." Or "I need to know I can call you or mom if I need you.") There can be more than one way to resolve a kid's concerns, and he needs to learn to find these other, more acceptable ways.</p><p>The natural consequence for him taking the phone to school, is reduced access to the phone and much closer supervision of his access by you guys, because he has broken your trust. the breach in trust covers a larger area and lasts longer, and is more directly connected to his actions. That connection is something he will understand better, than loss of Playstation privileges, for example. Chances are he's more upset at the moment by loss of PlayStation than loss of phone, so he won't be mentally connecting this to the reason why. And if he doesn't connect to why properly, he will be more likely to forget and do it again.</p><p></p><p>You seem to be doing amazingly, needprayers. It is frustrating at times, but when you find some sort of system and balance, it suddenly can become a lot easier.</p><p></p><p>Keep us posted on how you get on.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 377018, member: 1991"] Needprayers, if you can - make the punishments more as consequences. For example, if his inattention is because he was playing a game, take the game away for a little while until he complies, then let him have it back when his chores are done. You took the game away (or rather, took it into custody) because the game was distracting him. What he will be more likely to get, is the natural consequences. You explained things well, it seems it is what he needs. The more you describe, the more I feel your son should be considered for high functioning autism. With this, the child is desperately tying to work out what the natural laws are, because everything seems chaotic and he can't work out how to fit himself in to the picture. Logic in te extreme is what he is trying to use to understand things. It's like a kid watching a large skipping rope turning fast, waiting until he's worked out the rhythm of the rope before running in and having a few jumps - you don't just run in if you haven't got the pace in your head mentally. You have to be in tune with it. Similarly, High-Functioning Autism (HFA) kids are trying to mentally get the pace of life (and te rules) but have a much more difficult time; they need help to get it. Logic is a valuable tool. ANd they will work out for themselves what the rules are, and the rules they work out mau not actually be the real ones. For example - difficult child 3's school had a rule that children may not hit other people. difficult child 3 saw the rules written down. He knew the rule. But his experience told him differently - when the teacher wasn't looking, other kids would hit. They would hit him, they would hit other kids. Sometimes the other kids would hit back. But difficult child 3 could never get the rhythm of it - the other kids who hit (or hit back) generally did it when the teacher was distracted. difficult child 3 would hit back and get caught. Also, I suspect there was a strong element of "watch out for difficult child 3; he is dangerous and unstable" and so the slightest step out of line, even an accusation not proven, and difficult child 3 would be in serious trouble. Meanwhile the kids who had provoked him got off scot free. So the rule in difficult child 3's mind became - "Hitting is not allowed and will be punished, if you're difficult child 3. Other kids hit and don't get into trouble. They hit difficult child 3. difficult child 3 must accept being hit and not hit back. Therefore difficult child 3 deserves to be hit." Another rule difficult child 3 worked out for himself was, "First they call you names, then they hit you. You must endure this." We transferred difficult child 3 to a different school, one which happened to be very strict about bullying. Soon after he arrived he was standing in the way of a mass exodus (the new kid not knowing which way to go) when a boy behind said, "Out of my way, dummy." difficult child 3 didn't move, he just stood there looking at the boy. Then he said, "Go on, hit me." The boy, to his credit, went to get a teacher. He thought difficult child 3 was trying to start a fight. The teacher, to his credit, realised what was happening and told me about it later. They kew his history (he was a traumatised kid from years of systematic bullying) and realised he had a great deal to unlearn. With your son, I suggest you also ask him why he took the phone to school. Find out why he felt it necessary. Maybe he felt he needed it for the status thing ("other kids take their phones to school even though it's not allowed." Or "This other kid said he didn't believe me when I said I had my own phone; he said he had to see it." Or "I need to know I can call you or mom if I need you.") There can be more than one way to resolve a kid's concerns, and he needs to learn to find these other, more acceptable ways. The natural consequence for him taking the phone to school, is reduced access to the phone and much closer supervision of his access by you guys, because he has broken your trust. the breach in trust covers a larger area and lasts longer, and is more directly connected to his actions. That connection is something he will understand better, than loss of Playstation privileges, for example. Chances are he's more upset at the moment by loss of PlayStation than loss of phone, so he won't be mentally connecting this to the reason why. And if he doesn't connect to why properly, he will be more likely to forget and do it again. You seem to be doing amazingly, needprayers. It is frustrating at times, but when you find some sort of system and balance, it suddenly can become a lot easier. Keep us posted on how you get on. Marg [/QUOTE]
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