Weird thoughts...need help sorting out

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Nomad, Mar 11, 2008.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I met this lady who is new to my neighborhood. She has a really nice personality and I am grateful for the new friendship. Her husband is also very nice. They are both professionals. Her husband is currently going through a depression. The reason for this is two fold: 1) He is not adjusting well to the move here and 2) They have two adult difficult children.

    They are coming to our home for Easter Dinner...I'm very grateful for this.

    Here are my thoughts...that are actually kinda bugging me...not sure what, if anything, would be the "next step" in reference to them.

    1) Why is it that I have had such a hard time relating and meeting and becoming good friends with people who don't have difficult children? This is the first person that I have had over for a major holiday meal in a long time. I wonder if I'm avoiding "the regulars" or if they are avoiding me? Has this happened to you?

    2) They have been very slow to let go of enabling type behaviors with their adult children. One "child" is well into his 30s. There have been times that I have said my peace with reference to this. In retrospect, I don't think this was appropriate. I wonder what kind of standard/marker I should set for this type of discussion. Should I keep my thoughts to myself? Wait to see if she asks?

    3) Generally speaking, I think I should do my best to make the day as enjoyable/festive as possible. They will have their young granddaughter with them. I believe she is in 5th grade. Any ideas on movies I might rent or perhaps card games I could buy, etc.

    Thank you.
     
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Nomad- I'm expecting company in a few minutes so this is going to fast. lol!

    #1- I think their are more difficult children out there than we realize, most folks have one in the family circle.

    #2- There's no sense in rehashing their past or risk coming across as judgemental. What's done is done. Try to be a good friend and enjoy the relationship. Give advice only when asked or imminent danger of some kind is involved. They're adults and will run their lives and relationships accordingly.

    #3- Get some plastic eggs, a few types of candies and some coins to stick in the eggs. Have an old fashioned Easter egg hunt. You can race to a finish line holding hard boiled eggs on spoons. Make a bunny craft. Try googling something like "Easter games".
     
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Nomad

    You can rent Peter Cottontail and The Easter Bunny is Coming to Town for the little girl. (my kids still get a kick outta watching them)

    I think tm hit it right on the head, every family has their own difficult child, be it a child, cousin, odd uncle or aunt....... People used to refer to them as the family Black Sheep.

    I'd just make the visit as much fun for everyone as you can. Afterall, it's a holiday and holidays are meant for fun.

    Hugs
     
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Ditto everything TM said. I have friends with difficult children and I there are times when I must bite my tongue to keep my opinions to myself. Not that any of us are perfect in our handling of our difficult children, but please remember that you come here and there is a wealth of support available at your fingertips and some parents just aren't open or ready to open up to the fact that they are enabling their adult difficult child. They must come to it on their own.

    About the granddaughter. Definitely having some fun Easter-like videos is a good idea. A nice Easter basket with some cool girly-stuff would be nice as well. Not sure she'd want to be the sole hunter in an Easter egg hunt, Know what I mean?? Will there be any other kids there that day? Perhaps she can help in the kitchen also; my girls loved to that when they were that age.

    Otherwise, just relax and enjoy the companionship that this couple bring to your life, try and leave the difficult child stuff out of it.
     
  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Ditto the others on difficult child advice. Relate your own stories, maybe, but don't push your parenting logic on them.

    As for fun things for the granddaughter...here's our family tradition. After we hunt dyed Easter eggs, we pitch them to each other and whack them with a playskool fat bat. Adults generally bring colored, non-boiled eggs to hide in the pile of eggs for the whack-fest, as well. Some eggs fly and some eggs splat, but it is great fun, even for the "big kids". Everyone in our family enjoys batting eggs.
     
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree with-the others.
    I would not offer advice unless it is specifically asked for.
    Keep everything light and happy. You're the hostess and you will have the most control.
    My difficult child is 11 and he loves the old Pink Panther movies with-Peter Sellers. I assume this girl has seen all the Harry Potter movies?
    I like the idea of plastic Easter eggs with-$ in them. I put coins in them, and then in two I put dollar bills. It makes it fun and festive with-o being babyish.
    Good luck!
     
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    1) Why is it that I have had such a hard time relating and meeting and becoming good friends with people who don't have difficult children? This is the first person that I have had over for a major holiday meal in a long time. I wonder if I'm avoiding "the regulars" or if they are avoiding me? Has this happened to you?

    I have a few answers to #1 that I have toyed with for years.
    a.) I am flypaper for freaks
    b.) Birds of a feather flock together
    c.) Regular people are boring and when they go on and on about their problems it makes you want to smack them with OH YEAH - you have HUGE problems. I avoid them to avoid becoming more sarcastic than i already am.
    d.) I've avoided people like the plague for so long because in essence all of them want everyone to believe they are sensitive to the needs of the mentally ill - and then you see them in Walmart on Saturday buying a T shirt that reads - Proud rider of the short bus - for their kid to wear out in public and everyone but me gets a good laugh. Then one little girl said "Doesn't Dude ride the short bus?" =it's all funny until I poke out some dumb moms eye.
    e.) I am normal - everyone ELSE is odd.
    f.) I'm at the point now where I've gone so long without social interaction on a grand scale - I work, I go home, I shop a little - and I'm adjusted and happy with it. When we do go out or someone comes over - we spend more time moaning about how awful things are - so we choose to avoid others.

    2) They have been very slow to let go of enabling type behaviors with their adult children. One "child" is well into his 30s. There have been times that I have said my peace with reference to this. In retrospect, I don't think this was appropriate. I wonder what kind of standard/marker I should set for this type of discussion. Should I keep my thoughts to myself? Wait to see if she asks?
    a.) When you are a living example of what you believe in - people will see it and come to you for advice OR sometimes you are living the life THEY would love to have and you will never know it. Live by example -
    b.) Maybe this lady has to make sure YOU aren't a nut and then she'll feel comfy talking to you as a friend without her despondent husband there. It's hard to have a friend and her ask with him sitting there - I would look for her to come around eventually - but she's probably like the rest of us - shunned by mostly everyone with little to no support, in denial and looking for a friend to be a real friend. You are that person. It still amazes me that despite living with Dude - and while I figured everyone thought I was the nut - I'm basically more accepting of others which in a way makes me feel more sane and them the nut.
    c.) As far as keeping your thoughts to yourself - I guess that will depend on her -if prompted I always say - Well if you ask me for the truth as I see It I WILL give you my opinion - are you sure you want me to put thought into that? And sometimes I get yes - sometimes I get no.

    And for the 5th grader? She's going to be the only kid at a very adult dinner - and at 12 I'm sure she thinks she is all grown up - Any chance you can find a friend for her to occupy her time? I like the suggestions of Easter games but remember you don't know what traditions she thinks she's giving up to be with her grandparents - maybe a little question/answer phone call to "plan" some things her grandma KNOWS she'll like.

    I think you'll do fine. And yes - it seems like sometimes we only attract others that will look at us with less judgment in their eyes - but we've found it over the years to be a comfortable place to hide.

    Hugs
    Star
    (ps. I AM a nut - ) lol
     
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Thank you everyone!:D
    This mom and dad are basically permanently taking care of their grand-daughter. Their difficult child son and his difficult child ex, can not do it. The little girl also has difficult child tendencies.

    I spoke with the grandmother briefly and she seemed happy that I asked about an egg hunt...and said that her gd would like that. She said that they would bring their own games for the little girl.

    Yep Star...you've got it right...this girl DOES think she is all grown up. I am cluelss on how to entertain her (however I do plan on doing an Easter Egg hunt with money in the eggs...thanks guys!!!)

    AND, my difficult child should be there. :laugh: Anyone care to take a bet on how this will work out? In the recent past, difficult child has skipped out on holiday events. However, this little girl might bring my difficult child in 'cause she likes little kids. Both seem a bit strong willed to me...it's hard to say how this might play out. Just praying for peace.


    :easter_eggs:
     
  9. WNC Gal

    WNC Gal New Member

    For fun activities, try to find the card game Blink (in a red metal tin) - each game only 30 seconds long but oh, so fun. Also Pass the Pigs or Uno are fun with multi-age groups.

    If she's crafty at all, she might like playing with Perler Beads or Shrinky Dinks.
     
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Okay -this is way out there -

    But what if you offered to PAY your difficult child to "ladysit?" and gave her a little money to find things she could do with the little girl?

    Win Win? or Whine Whine?
     
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree with-these in my own life:

    a.) I am flypaper for freaks
    b.) Birds of a feather flock together
    c.) Regular people are boring

    One thing I have learned over the years ... I tend to make eye contact with-people instead of just walking away. Seriously. In the grocery store, on the street, just keep on walking. It makes all the difference in the world. I always thought it was rude to do that but now I have learned to protect myself.

    If I want weird friends, I will keep them. Weird strangers ... sigh ... I can only put up with-so much!
     
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