Weirdo on line experience

[Nomad]

I'm gonna try to make this short. I go to a very tiny website for people with a certain health condition. NOT HERE. Very small and private.

I actually didn't want to join, but a woman I "met" from a larger site asked me to join. She is about 8 or nine years older than myself more or less....Im not really sure. At first I didn't join, because I was too busy, but then I did, because I had more free time. In many ways she is so very wise...lots of interesting life experiences and smart, etc. But some things are tough for her like cutting and pasting on the computer...but hey, I have my technological issues as well. She doesn't have kids, but has some adult step kids. She seems intimidated by her husband, but we don't discuss this. We email (ed) privately and have for years. Once, maybe twice I referred to her as like a mom or older sister. This is because my mom died at age 49and and although I didn't have a sister, I had a close cousin and she died young too and she was like a sis.mto me, they are forever youngish in my head...and both were super smart.
I'm sure I only said this once or twice and she did not reply. I didn't detect anything, but in retrospect, I think it was a silly thing to say.

on the little, very small website, she posted a separate thread about a friend of a friend who "always" refers to her as a mother figure and even though this friend has told her not told this, she continues to do it....it was all made up and weird and convoluted. She just had a relatively big b-day and maybe ???there were issues related to it....but I found out this fake story was all about ME. People responded that her "friend" should simply tell her other friend the truth...blah blah blah. I thought there was a small chance it might be about me even though facts were convoluted/incorrect and wrote her a super nice apologetic email, not even mentioning how weird that was (the fake post) or the errors...and she was mean and "short" with me in her response. She never told me she didn't like it and I never said it repeatedly, etc.

i suspect one gal on this little site figured out it was about me and now thinks I'm this mean woman...but I can't speak about it because .....well it would just be more stupidity.
I'm shocked that a person I have sort of known for perhaps five years would not have the xxxxxx to just nicely tell me what is bothering her instead of making up some crazy story and run the risk of others guessing it could be about me andmfeedingmthem wrong info., etc. passive aggressive? Major avoidance? I think both!!!!!!


I apologize for saying this...I DO NOT MEAN TO BE UnpNKIND to anyone here, but in reality, you don't truly know someone unless you have met them in person, met some of their friends, seen them under stress, etc. online only tells some of a story.

we are fortunate that we have each other on this site...I DO understand this. But because of certain possibilities, anonymity is very likely best.


this was such a weird experience for me. Can't believe she just didn't pick up the phone and tell me she was sensitive about me jokingly referring to her being like a mom or big sister...once.

i certainly didn't mean it to be hurtful and when I realized it was,I apologized immediately!AND it was a very sincere, kind apology. But, the fake thread and the mean reply to my apology made it so much worse.

Does this make sense? WEIRD. But...I guess we all are a bit weird sometimes? LOL!thoughts?

im just shocked that I thought I kinda knew this person and she would flip out about something, change the facts, create a fake thread, not just talk with me about it, be mean to me when I offered a sincere apology...all out of the blue.

ps hopes this makes sense...I have super bad cold/maybe flu. Yuck!

 

[dstc_99]

Sounds very passive aggressive. I have friends I love like friends. I tell them I love them sometimes when we get off the phone. Usually things like "love ya sis" or "love ya girly" I sure as heck hope they aren't offended and if they are I sure hope they would just ask me not to and then let it go.

 

[Hound dog]

Any chance it could be just a coincidence?? (long shot but thought I'd ask)

The folks I've met and friended in RL from here have been pretty much the same as they present themselves on the board in personality.

However I developed a friendship of sorts with a woman from another board (had to do with a game we had in common) that went on for few years. I could have easily found myself in over my head with this woman had I not had so much experiences with difficult children. Online she was nice and funny and whatnot ect. We often had a lot of phone conversations. She lives in Germany. No. I'm not stupid. I never called her. I encouraged her to never call me due to cost. She tried to make it a more in depth friendship, I kept it at a distance as much as I could without hurting her feelings. C'mon, the woman was in Germany for pete's sake, not like we could share coffee in the morning. Right? We'd known each other for several years..........she split with her husband (that was a drama in and of itself) came back to the US (no clue where that money came from cuz they were "poor as hades") had no where to stay and asked if she could stay here with us. Uh, no. I have issues doing this for family, no way was I going to do it for her. Her grown kids wouldn't even let her stay with them. After that........well, it sort of fizzled and eventually died off.

I wasn't doing it to be mean. Over those years I'd picked up on enough red flags she was a major difficult child that no way was I inviting one to stay in my home, not to mention we didn't have the room and couldn't afford it.

Nomad, your story is mild stuff compared to what my niece does online..........why in most forums she is a gay male in a bisexual relationship waiting to go to basic training for the Air Force. In truth she is a 27 yr old difficult child who has no social life, never left home, never had a job, never dated. I just told Travis to stop showing it to me. He finally stopped calling her out on it and avoids any forum he spots her in. *sigh*

I think most people who visit forums are genuine, however you must always keep alert. There are weirdos lurking everywhere, not just online.

 

[Nomad]

Lisa, nothing like that. No red flags and it wasn't a coincidence. She told me in a short, angry email after i apologized, that the fake post was really about me. but, in it was lots and lots of exaggerations. (She only admitted it was fake and about me. Her email response to me was short and angry. But, the exaggeration s in her original thread made her 'or her friend' justified in being so very upset) it was so odd, I had a hard time following it.

I have some concerns about her spouse, but it was clear to me that she wanted that to be kept private and out of discussions.
more like what D s t c said. After emailing often and speaking now and again, you would think you sort of know a person (after perhaps four or five years) and they would be comfortable enough with you to say "hey, I wish you wouldn't say that, it bugs me..." Or i'm sensitive about my age or whatever. I've had to do this with other adults, and yes, it is hard. If I don't do it, then I understand I have to accept it. If I can't accept it, then I understand I have to speak up. But, again, I realize this is very hard for some folks. But, her choice of creating an entire fake post was so weird and then when I guessed that it was about me (correctly) and apologized so kindly, she seem to get even more upset! It was sooooo very weird. And after five years or so, thinking (wrongly) that this was an intelligent and confident woman and that we had become fairly good friends (well as close as you can do that when it is on-line...there are big limitations!) I am baffled. Sometimes I think her hubby told her to get rid of me! LOl! (Well, funny, but sad too!)

 

[Hound dog]

Believe it or not it is possible she was looking for some "attention" from other members. Your emailed apology could have embarrassed her to be "called out" on her behavior. No, you didn't mean it that way.....but that is the way she took it.

 

[Nomad]

Yes, Lisa, I think that is a very real possible explanation. And it baffles me bug time. So completely out of hew hat I thought was her personality. Just the fake post alone was a whopper of a weird experience. An eye opener!!!!!!

 

[Nomad]

Sorry about typos....using phone and not so good at it! LOL!

 

[DammitJanet]

Well I sure hope nobody here has ever been offended when I have told them I felt like we were kindred spirits or that I wished I had a mom like they are...lol. I have had much younger members tell me that I am like a "mom" to them on the board. It doesnt bother me! I really couldnt care less if the person feels this way because I am over 50 either. I am older than Lisa but I sorta think of her as a sister because we have so much in common. Our granddaughters were born a month apart! I dont think Lisa minds that I think of her like the sister I never had. I have several kids on the board that I truly think of as my nieces/nephews.

 

[Nomad]

Yes Janet, I see it this way too. To be compared to someone another holds deeply in their heart, who was very intelligent, etc. in my case (although this isn't the main point), my mom and cousin were like super smart and popular. Of course, I think of this as a big honor and I too get a kick out of it if someone thinks of me as the big sister they never had. Well, I realize, that this isn't really my fault. It is clearly something on her end. Afraid to speak up, very upset about her recent birthday/age, issues with her husband....who knows?????

I always like to be a good friend and I'm not perfect and if I mess up, I'm going to apologize. Even if I don't truly understand what happened...like this case. But, for her to get even more ticked when I apologized super nicely....was even more weird. That part seemed like possible embarrassment. The entire ordeal through me for a loop. Of course, I'm letting it go...but I certainly don't feel as close to her, nor her to me since I did this "terrible thing."???? WTH! But, I am looking for the lesson (s) and one is to be more careful before speaking (although after knowing someone for four or five years, you would think you could relax a bit) and the other is that cyber friends are a bit different, as the relationship is partial and limited...you are missing out seeing the full picture. MANY are authentic, many are just different because of the nature of being on-line. OR something big may have changed in their lives, and you wont be privy to it at all.


Thank you for your input...just so nice to get it off my chest.

 

[BusynMember]

Sounds like she has issues about her age maybe??? Not your fault. I'd just cool off the cyber-friendship.

I haven't met anyone from here, but talked to a few and they were exactly like they are online. Also, I have met people from another board and it seemed as if I'd always known them.

 

[scent of cedar]

Oh, this was a terrible thing for that person to say. But people do terrible things, sometimes. I think more so online, because there is an anonymity there that lets us do whatever we want to. Those will be good things sometimes, but sometimes, they will be very bad things. I don't belong to other online boards. (For one thing, there aren't any. :O) We are a uniquely safe and tender place, but I think we are very rare.) Though it can hurt me, I am seldom surprised by the strange, cruel things people sometimes do. If you could know her better Nomad, you might learn that she has done this before. If you were to continue to observe her over the years, you would probably find that she will do the same thing to someone else in future. As is the case with other kinds of abuse, so many hurtful online behaviors have nothing to do with the person being victimized. They are just what the abuser needs to do to cope with his or her own demons.

I know that doesn't make it hurt any less or feel less confusing, when you have been the victim of something like this. You are right that, in a healthy relationship, this would have been dealt with personally, just between the two of you. That your abuser chose to do it publicly, that she chose to make it public behind your back, tells you this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the other person's personality and or illness.

I am sorry this happened to you, Nomad.

When I lose something that mattered to me, my husband always tells me not to mourn the loss so much as to celebrate having had whatever it was for all the time I did have it, and for the healing that happened, because I had it.

Can you try to see this online betrayal that way?

Cedar

 

[Nomad]

Thank you Cedar. And that is a large part of this....a loss and a betrayal of sorts. She did NOT call me by name in the fake thread, but can you imagine someone creating a fake post here about a "friend of a friend" named Redwood who is doing these weird things and she has to advise her friend on how to stop this " inconsiderate" friend, who she has told "repeatedly" to stop being rude, but just won't stop?!? Well, fortunately I think only one person thinks it might be me, by some little things that kinda sound like me and she knows we email privately, etc. Funny, all the replies were "why doesn't your friend just call her and tell her that this is something she doesn't like...that is what friends do!"

 

[Nomad]

....my email died Cedar.....continued
Yep, I think maybe she has done this before or something like it. I think she is under much stress. Surely, there are some behind the scenes stuff in play here. There were some things I picked up about her husband and I think she realized it...but I respected her privacy and kept quiet.

Your husband is right...it was a very nice and fortunate friendship while it lasted. It does feel like a loss. Always a blessing to have a friend, on line or otherwise.

Look how much we all help each other here with our truly very tough circumstances!!!!!!

Thank you Cedar and everyone for letting me get this off my chest....I feel TONS better!!!!!

 

[Lothlorien]

That is really bizarre. I find it really odd that she would be so offended by what you said too. Good grief....it was meant as a compliment. Some people are just crotchety people and it's best to just steer clear of them. Sorry that you had such an unfortunate experience.