Welcome new member Jean

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by slsh, Jan 21, 2008.

  1. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Hi Jean and welcome - I'm copying your post here to make sure the members see it.

    "I have a thirteen year old son and we were told that he has reactive attachment disorder. We are not sure how to handle this one plus he is ODD. Anyone have a child with this disorder? We are having a hard time getting him to accept conquences without running out of the house to avoid them. When he finally comes back in he still have to do the conquence. Is there away to keep him from running out of the house? Husband won't put dead bolt locks on the door because, when he is having a melt down he might brake the window to get out we don't known. He is home school but have the murturity of a nine year old. Please help! We do not want to put him in a home, we feel it is more ODD going on then any thing else. Jean"

    I probably have more questions than suggestions at this point. Has he been evaluated by a psychiatrist? Who gave him the diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)? When was his most recent evaluation? Is he on any medication?

    Short of tackling my kid (which at this point would be useless - he's twice my wt and 6'3"), I've never figured out a way to keep him in the house. ;) *But* every time he's run I've notified the police because he's "at risk". Fortunately, our police department has been very helpful at bringing him home in the past. What would happen if you let him run, but let him know in a calm moment beforehand that if he bolts due to a consequence, the consequence will be doubled (or whatever you think is appropriate)? Or, if you (like me) are concerned about his safety roaming the streets, do you think calling the police might be an option?

    Again, welcome and glad you found us!
     
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Jean,

    Just wanted to say hi, and tell you that while Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s are a last resort - not all of them are bad. You can go ahead and take a tour - see what it's about to stave off your fears. My son is severe ADHD, PSTD, ODD - and possibly BiPolar (BP) but we're still holding our breath on that one and he's in a Group Home. He does a LOT better there with the high level of structure we can't possibly provide him at home.

    He's in a group home now - that has NO structure and he's failing - but has caught himself in time and asked to be moved to someplace with more structure - you can't imagine what that feels like after 12 years of hoping.

    Yes, there are others here with children who have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) - you may want to post a separate post saying something like 'KID WITH Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) - HELP!

    Hugs
    Star;)
     
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) stinks! I honestly believe I'd rather have a child be bipolar with severe aspergers than go through the hell of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) again.

    The only way I could my child from running would have been to cut off her feet and even then I doubt that would have stopped her. She started running at age 6 and continued until she was sent to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for help in her mid teens. Sadly, running was the easiest part -- I called the police and waited for her to come home. Not once did they find her.

    Mine was manipulative; if she opened her mouth you knew a lie would come flying out; whenever we went anywhere, I had to do a complete body check to make sure nothing was taken (okay, to return what had been taken); was physically violent. This was ages 4-10. Puberty brought a whole set of new issues on top of the old ones. Plus, there was much more sophistication in the lies, stealing, etc. The things that did stop were the violence and the out-of-control rages but only because I started calling the police each and every time. Puberty began the cutting school every chance possible, lying about her being abused at home, etc. I finally saw there was no choice. I could not help her any more and sent her to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I truly believed it saved her.

    Today, she still hates to hear no and can argue it until the cows have come home, left and come home again. I just don't bother listening to it. If her frustration level is too high, she can scream at jet-level decibels. She does not run -- she knows I'll lock the door and I may or may not let her back in one day. The lying and stealing have stopped. At the present time, I am treating her as a tenant -- she pays rent, buys her own food, etc. As long as her room is a mess, her door is to stay closed. In return, she has to do no chores, can sleep as late as she wants, no rules as to what she does or does not do. She does not like it but she won't do the necessary to get her life back. Her choice.

    With Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids, as much as possible let natural consequences do the work for you. Keep your voice calm, simply state and repeat a rule as needed. Since he's a runner, have him take his shoes off the second he walks in the door. They are then locked away -- trunks of cars work real well for this. Shoes other than those worn that day are locked away as well. He'll still run but not as far.

    Now the questions. Was he adopted or have problems as an infant? Does he have friends? Is he overly friendly to strangers? Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is not a diagnosis I would wish on my worst enemy. It takes extensive therapy to even remotely help. So, I'm hoping your son's diagnosis is wrong.

    No matter welcome. We'll be here to help as much as we can.
     
  4. RobinD

    RobinD New Member

    Welcome aboard Jean!
     
  5. KitKat

    KitKat Looking for Answers

    Welcome

    Know that the group is here for you no matter what happens, not matter how you feel and no matter how long you need to vent. I'm still a newbie but just reading, replying and reviewing others' experiences and the outcome has been very, very good for me. This past weekend I had to leave the house with my youngest and leave my stepson with my husband because I just couldn't handle it. I ended up having an anxiety attack at my Mom's house. I am 47 years old and a very strong mother and stepmother but no one can do this full time without some kind of fallout.

    I would like to leave you with a few humble suggestions:
    1 - take the suggestion to start a new post with the title "Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)" and whatever else you might want to add. You'll get a more concentrated response.
    2 - Make some time for yourself - even if it is not alot of time it still helps. My brain and body pointed that out to me again this weekend. This is very important.
    3 - Calm, calm, calm. It works more than anything else (except hiding the shoes in the trunk - that sounds like a great, non-punitive idea). After 11 years with my stepson, I am the only one he will open up to. Even our caseworkers marvel. I feel blessed to have at least that level of communication, even if he goes out and screws the rest of the world when I'm not around.

    I feel for you - we all have kids with various issues but we all have the same pain. You have found a great group here!
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome. I suggest doing a signature here like I have below. It helps us oldtimers get quick information. Was your child adopted at an older age? Where did the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) come from? Who diagnosed her?
     
  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Let's see - I have twins with severe Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). All I can say is that while this complex multi faceted disorder has many of the same traits each attachment disordered child will act out differently given the circumstances of what's behind the diagnosis.

    And saying that, I hate this disorder more than anything else I can think of....boy I feel better saying that. ;)

    It would be best to start your own thread asking for what you want to know.

    Running away - not going to stop that. However, you can prepare for it & like others have suggested have a plan in place for that behavior. kt started running at the ripe age of 6 - knocking on complete strangers doors asking them to be their parents.

    Many times the emotional immaturity is due to what stage or milestone an attachment disordered child has missed during his unsettled developmental years. My son wm is very toddler like at the age of 13; you can see many of the skills that he still must learn that he should have learned in the bio home when he was ages 2 to 4 years of age. It shows immensely.

    I could write a book - others have. Please start your own thread so we can address your questions as it pertains to you & your difficult child.

    Again, welcome to our little corner of the world. I hope we can help you muddle through this journey of GFGdom.
     
  8. jean

    jean New Member

    Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) heip: He was evaluated by Licensed Ph.D,NCSP and given test.No he is not on medication. He has not beenbrave enough to go outside of the neighborhood yet. When he get's tired of being outside he comes in,saying he is sorry. We have consider calling the police if this continue. I not 100% sure about the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) yet he shows a great deal of real affection unless you can be Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and show reel affection to others. He is our nephew by birth and we adopted him at 5mos. Our son has no friend as of yet, he does make friends easy and will sure evey thing with them, but he is bossy. We moved to GA. last year and home school. I am getting with a homeschool group so that he will have activties and friends I pray. The runaways such as it is started when the psy ask question to this affect and other things that children he see do ,until this time he wasn't doing any of these new things he is doing. The ODD/ADHD symtoms has always been there since age 5. Jean
     
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