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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 439336" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome, Oh Man. I've been busy for the last day or so; I saw this thread but mentally bookmarked to come back to it later when other things were not so distracting!</p><p></p><p>First, kids lie for a number of reasons. The first and most important reason they lie, is to get out of trouble. From there they can get into other bad habits and, as JJJ said, they begin to lie for the power. A habitual liar gets some sort of kickback out of fooling other people; they feel smarter than everyone else and they begin to lie NOT just to get out of trouble but to make themselves feel superior to others and thereby boost a flagging self-esteem. But like a drug addict, it needs a bigger fix each time.</p><p></p><p>Looking at the bag of nuts as an example, your main need was to ensure that when you buy nuts (often for a particular purpose, or maybe because you had a yen for nits right then) that you can explain where they went, or at the very least, know you need to replace them.</p><p>We run a shopping list. There is a roll of paper and a pencil on top of the fridge, when anybody opens the last packet of something, they are supposed to write it on the list. I have been known to stand in the middle of the room and say, "I don't care who ate the last of the cereal, I just want whoever did, to make sure it goes on the shopping list!" This way part of the "where di d the nuts go?" suddenly gets tied to WHY you want to know - so you know whether it's worth replacing them or not.</p><p></p><p>When I found certain foodstuffs evaporating within hours of getting home, and in such a way that they were not shared, I simply stopped buying them. Chocolate biscuits gone in half an hour? Fine, I'm not buying them any more. Bag of walnuts gone? Fine, I will cook my biscuits without nuts. Choc bits eaten? No home made choc chip cookies, no brownies. If I want to cook anything chocolate, I now use cocoa.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 eats a lot of corn chips. I keep a weather eye on the supply, but he has to put them on the shopping list. If we run out, then he hasn't got any to eat. He has to put them on the shopping list. Same with his deodorant, his toothpaste. He is learning - this morning when I telephoned him for the shopping list, he said, "Ground beef is not on the list and it should be; I need you to make me some more bolognese sauce."</p><p></p><p>This is not only teaching your children life skills for the future, it is putting reason and balance back into the issues and teaching them to work as part of a team.</p><p></p><p>He sounds like there are deep issues here, and it also sounds like your methods are not working for him. That does not mean you are a bad parent; it just means that whatever you do that works with the other kids, is not working for him. </p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 439336, member: 1991"] Welcome, Oh Man. I've been busy for the last day or so; I saw this thread but mentally bookmarked to come back to it later when other things were not so distracting! First, kids lie for a number of reasons. The first and most important reason they lie, is to get out of trouble. From there they can get into other bad habits and, as JJJ said, they begin to lie for the power. A habitual liar gets some sort of kickback out of fooling other people; they feel smarter than everyone else and they begin to lie NOT just to get out of trouble but to make themselves feel superior to others and thereby boost a flagging self-esteem. But like a drug addict, it needs a bigger fix each time. Looking at the bag of nuts as an example, your main need was to ensure that when you buy nuts (often for a particular purpose, or maybe because you had a yen for nits right then) that you can explain where they went, or at the very least, know you need to replace them. We run a shopping list. There is a roll of paper and a pencil on top of the fridge, when anybody opens the last packet of something, they are supposed to write it on the list. I have been known to stand in the middle of the room and say, "I don't care who ate the last of the cereal, I just want whoever did, to make sure it goes on the shopping list!" This way part of the "where di d the nuts go?" suddenly gets tied to WHY you want to know - so you know whether it's worth replacing them or not. When I found certain foodstuffs evaporating within hours of getting home, and in such a way that they were not shared, I simply stopped buying them. Chocolate biscuits gone in half an hour? Fine, I'm not buying them any more. Bag of walnuts gone? Fine, I will cook my biscuits without nuts. Choc bits eaten? No home made choc chip cookies, no brownies. If I want to cook anything chocolate, I now use cocoa. difficult child 3 eats a lot of corn chips. I keep a weather eye on the supply, but he has to put them on the shopping list. If we run out, then he hasn't got any to eat. He has to put them on the shopping list. Same with his deodorant, his toothpaste. He is learning - this morning when I telephoned him for the shopping list, he said, "Ground beef is not on the list and it should be; I need you to make me some more bolognese sauce." This is not only teaching your children life skills for the future, it is putting reason and balance back into the issues and teaching them to work as part of a team. He sounds like there are deep issues here, and it also sounds like your methods are not working for him. That does not mean you are a bad parent; it just means that whatever you do that works with the other kids, is not working for him. Marg [/QUOTE]
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