Welcome standinparent

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by slsh, Jan 21, 2011.

  1. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Hi and welcome! I'm copying your post to a new thread so that our members have an opportunity to welcome you and make suggestions.

    I am facing this very same decision. I stand in for my mother when I'm not in college to help her take care of her son from another marriage. The child is clearly bi-polar, but doctors have never wanted to see him because they don't like diagnosing bi-polar so young. He is now sixteen, and has become a nightmare. I know for a fact that he is drinking and smoking, and that he has been sleeping with several girls, one of which he was trying to get pregnant. He's been very violent in the past, but after threatening him with authorities, he became smarter about how he operates. Now he uses intimidation. Throwing something very hard, but making it hit the wall just next to you. Shoving and pushing, but no fist blows that would leave marks. He's horrible to his twin sister, calling her things that I won't even repeat here, and shoving her around when he's irritated with her. Sometimes she'll just be standing in the kitchen, doing nothing to him, but because she was there cooking first, he comes in and shoves her hard into the stove. He's stolen from all three of us (Mom, sister, and myself) and barges into anyones room and takes what he wants, sometimes right in front of us. Then we take him in to be evaluated, and he is just as pleasant and wonderful as can be. All smiles, all cooperation. He just tells them that we're lying and over-reacting because we're women and too emotional.

    The problem is that he's bad, he makes life miserable. What I've written here doesn't even begin to skim the surface of who he is. But, apparently, he's not quite bad enough. He hasn't commited any serious crimes (yet) hasn't left any recent marks on us, and I'm worried that if we try to take action, he's just going to lie his way out of it. There isn't a single day that goes by without some giant blowout, and all three of us for the most part hide from him now out of fear. Sister stays at school as late as she can and goes straight to her room when she gets home, mom and I hide away in the basement and hope he doesn't barge his way down.

    We are so financially strapped, and struggling as it is, but there has to be something out there that can help us. Mom has finally agreed that if handing him over to the state is possible, that might be the road we have to take now. I'm not so sure if that's even an option though.

    Any help is very appreciated.
  2. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    I'm struggling to think of an idea or 2 for you. His age makes it hard because he does not have to cooperate with evaluation and/or treatment, and it sounds like he won't cooperate. on the other hand, you, your sister, and your mother have the absolute right to be safe in your own home. The threats and intimidation are unacceptable - I'm just not sure where to direct you. Some police depts might be helpful, others not so much. It pretty much depends on where you live. The fact that he can be a charming manipulator does not help things.

    From a practical standpoint, keyed locks on bedroom doors and a safe to keep valuables in would be where I would start. It's the pits having to live in a locked down home, but... sometimes that is what it comes to.

    How does he do in school? Does he respond at all to rewards/consequences?

    To be honest, and this sounds off the wall, I know, I think I'd set up a recorder and/or video and catch him in action. Having lived through violence in our home from my son, I feel very strongly about the rights of other members of the family to be safe, and verbal violence is just as harmful as physical in my book. Perhaps with incontrovertible proof of the violence that he is putting your family through, professionals and/or police would be more willing to intervene.

    I'm really sorry your family is going through this.
  3. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    How expensive is a small hidden camera system or webcam so you could record some of these rages to your computer without him knowing? Obviously it would have to be in a "public area" of the house, like a kitchen or living room, but it could go a long way towards proving how much he needs help.
  4. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi Hon! This is probably going to sound like a stretch, but I would either look into talking to someone in a womens shelter (like the kind that work with women with abusive spouses) or go to the local precinct and talk to the Community Affairs Officer. If anything, your brother is abusing the 3 of you and it needs to stop.

    By talking to someone in a womens shelter, you would be able to talk to them and find out about local resources that may be available to you. They may be able to (depending on your finances) put you in touch with a pro bono attorney, a social worker, therapists, food stamps, etc. It would be well worth your while.

    I'm sorry that you had to find us, but I'm truly glad that you did. No one should be suffering at this kids hands and he should be getting the help that he needs too.

    Welcome to the crowd!