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Well, Darn It -- Old Patterns
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<blockquote data-quote="HeadlightsMom" data-source="post: 638763" data-attributes="member: 18284"><p>GM -- Yeah, totally agree with you on having others present when difficult child is around. I used to use them as a "shield" of sorts because difficult child would watch himself more. Not sure why, but difficult child and I have a curiously enmeshed relationship if I let it get that far -- and I don't want to let it get that far! We are close when things are good (closer than difficult child and husband are), but more volatile when things are bad (husband is just a calmer guy, in general.......and man oh man do I respect husband for his sage demeanor)</p><p></p><p>It's funny you should mention this, though, GM. husband and I were discussing Thanksgiving this year just last night. We have company (husband's sister and husband -- salt-of-the-earth people who are well aware of difficult child's difficulties). I told husband one thing I like about having others around when difficult child is.....is that it sort of "dilutes" difficult child. You know, he focuses on others more. I just sit back, detached. And I like that, as it helps me re-orient myself when needed. And difficult child rarely notices.</p><p></p><p>Echo --- Oh, yes......you and I are similar, then! I become more distrustful and accusatory, also. Yuuuuck! I don't do that with anyone else and I hardly recognize myself when I do it. Too much time for difficult child and me together = toxicity. It just does. FACT. Radical Acceptance (used that mantra many times yesterday). I'm not an attacker, flamer, etc, either. But I do feel myself on edge and am quite sure that shows up in my voice.</p><p></p><p>My gut is telling me that things are not the same as they were when difficult child got out of rehab. No, he hasn't been especially nasty. No, nothing is missing in our home. No, he doesn't seem particularly manipulative. However...... he suddenly seems more "hidden" and speaking less and less of AA meetings and his sponsor. That may mean nothing. Or it may mean nothing. But husband and I are aware of the shift.</p><p></p><p>I don't want to get too far ahead of myself (accusatory) when I could be wrong...........old habits can be persistent if invited back in. Still, it's tough because while I have developed some bad habits over the years (with difficult child), I have also honed my instincts. They're usually accurate in sensing that something is "up". However, I could be completely wrong about whatever that "something" is. I dunno.</p><p></p><p>Lastly, in the last 4-5 days I have had more reminders (from others) about their dislike for difficult child. This is difficult because it puts me in a hard place, given all of our relationships.</p><p></p><p>I always thought that if difficult child "cleaned up", that things would be easier. Wellllllllll...........not sure that's the case. In a sense it's easier (between difficult child and us), but in another sense it's harder as others in our life love us, but are going to great lengths to distance themselves from difficult child's return to our lives, while still trying to stay close to us. They don't want to see him, hear about him (even obliquely) or forgive him. He did a lot of damage to a lot of people for a lot of years.</p><p></p><p>Unexpectedly very complicated. Easier? Will have to get back with you on that one..... But I can tell you that these last 5 days of break from difficult child have been refreshing. And, if things do fall apart tomorrow, I will still be VERY grateful for whatever good days we have had. Those I cherish -- even amid the difficulty.</p><p></p><p>My focus now is on quality interaction with difficult child, by reducing quantity with him. It may not be necessary for him (though I suspect it is as he's stayed away for 5 days -- periodic texts, but that's all)......but it most definitely is necessary for me to maintain my health and happiness. We have texted him some of what I wrote here, but not all yet. Need to do that.</p><p></p><p>Thanks for your understanding and support!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="HeadlightsMom, post: 638763, member: 18284"] GM -- Yeah, totally agree with you on having others present when difficult child is around. I used to use them as a "shield" of sorts because difficult child would watch himself more. Not sure why, but difficult child and I have a curiously enmeshed relationship if I let it get that far -- and I don't want to let it get that far! We are close when things are good (closer than difficult child and husband are), but more volatile when things are bad (husband is just a calmer guy, in general.......and man oh man do I respect husband for his sage demeanor) It's funny you should mention this, though, GM. husband and I were discussing Thanksgiving this year just last night. We have company (husband's sister and husband -- salt-of-the-earth people who are well aware of difficult child's difficulties). I told husband one thing I like about having others around when difficult child is.....is that it sort of "dilutes" difficult child. You know, he focuses on others more. I just sit back, detached. And I like that, as it helps me re-orient myself when needed. And difficult child rarely notices. Echo --- Oh, yes......you and I are similar, then! I become more distrustful and accusatory, also. Yuuuuck! I don't do that with anyone else and I hardly recognize myself when I do it. Too much time for difficult child and me together = toxicity. It just does. FACT. Radical Acceptance (used that mantra many times yesterday). I'm not an attacker, flamer, etc, either. But I do feel myself on edge and am quite sure that shows up in my voice. My gut is telling me that things are not the same as they were when difficult child got out of rehab. No, he hasn't been especially nasty. No, nothing is missing in our home. No, he doesn't seem particularly manipulative. However...... he suddenly seems more "hidden" and speaking less and less of AA meetings and his sponsor. That may mean nothing. Or it may mean nothing. But husband and I are aware of the shift. I don't want to get too far ahead of myself (accusatory) when I could be wrong...........old habits can be persistent if invited back in. Still, it's tough because while I have developed some bad habits over the years (with difficult child), I have also honed my instincts. They're usually accurate in sensing that something is "up". However, I could be completely wrong about whatever that "something" is. I dunno. Lastly, in the last 4-5 days I have had more reminders (from others) about their dislike for difficult child. This is difficult because it puts me in a hard place, given all of our relationships. I always thought that if difficult child "cleaned up", that things would be easier. Wellllllllll...........not sure that's the case. In a sense it's easier (between difficult child and us), but in another sense it's harder as others in our life love us, but are going to great lengths to distance themselves from difficult child's return to our lives, while still trying to stay close to us. They don't want to see him, hear about him (even obliquely) or forgive him. He did a lot of damage to a lot of people for a lot of years. Unexpectedly very complicated. Easier? Will have to get back with you on that one..... But I can tell you that these last 5 days of break from difficult child have been refreshing. And, if things do fall apart tomorrow, I will still be VERY grateful for whatever good days we have had. Those I cherish -- even amid the difficulty. My focus now is on quality interaction with difficult child, by reducing quantity with him. It may not be necessary for him (though I suspect it is as he's stayed away for 5 days -- periodic texts, but that's all)......but it most definitely is necessary for me to maintain my health and happiness. We have texted him some of what I wrote here, but not all yet. Need to do that. Thanks for your understanding and support! [/QUOTE]
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