Well, difficult child is gone.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Coookie, Feb 11, 2007.

  1. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    Hi Family,

    It was not a good day at the Coookie house yesterday. I got home from work and difficult child almost instantly targeted me with his venom.. :nonono: He had spent the day with husband and never said a word about how he was going to drive 3 hours to see his girlfriend and because of the curfew (midnight) he would just stay up there..."knowing that he would get kicked out anyway". "Why should I get a job around here when I will probably get kicked out?" :confused:

    We told him, over and over, if he goes to school full time and gets a part time job he wouldn't have to pay rent...if he doesn't go to school and works full time he would have to pay rent...if he doesn't do either he has to leave...I do not know which part of that is so hard to understand. :eek:

    He said he didn't know why he should have a curfew..so I tried to explain it to him one more time..."We are a family, we sleep at night, we don't want to have to be worrying about where you are and be awakened when you come in..." Seems simple enough for me...but then he say's... "I was in the US Marines, I'm almost 19 and I think a curfew is stupid"... OK..but that is the way it is.

    It got uglier from there and I finally said..."I can't let you hurt me anymore. Pack your bags and leave...in an hour..". :mad:

    Many words were exchanged, we helped him pack all the while trying to talk to him. Explaining that leaving with 50$, a quarter tank of gas, no job, and no place to stay is a bad decision. Tried explaining to him the difference between that choice and staying here and getting on with his future...he would "Rather swallow razor blades" than stay here. :cry:

    He said, right before he left, if I asked if I could stay over night would you kick me out and I said no, but that is not what happened. "Well, can I stay overnight and come back tomorrow?" "Yes but can you change your attitude?"...."Can't do that" he said and left shortly afterward.

    So he left. He called husband cause he got lost but I don't know if he talked to him again later or not.

    I'm trying my best not to worry or fall apart and I do ok and then I don't. :cry:

    I know I have to let go but I really believe that I will now have no relationship with difficult child. Turns out I was the one that asked him to leave. He did have a choice though but he doesn't see it that way...

    Please hold us in your thoughts. Don't know that we will survive this one. These are supposed to be our good years together...what a hoot that is... :rolleyes:

    Yep...was an ugly day... :smile:

    Hugs
     
  2. Ally

    Ally New Member

    (((((Hugs)))))) You made the right choice. We can only tolerate and put up with so much from our difficult child's. Im sure that you have done everything in your power to help your child and now its his time to figure it out on his own. It is completely reasonable that if he cant follow the rules of the house that he find somewhere else to live. Life is not a free ride and he needs to figure that out.
     
  3. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    Oh Robby, what a hard day :frown: I am sorry. The solution seems so simple doesnt it? Its right there in front of their faces and they choose the hard road. Why do they do this. It makes me want to scream :mad:

    Robby he will find his way. Remind him... Yes son you were in the US Marines, you are more than capable of taking care of your self and making your way in this world.

    Also remind him that the reason he was discharged from the Marines is that he did not follow the rules. Coincidently the same reason he is getting kicked out of your home, not following thr rules.

    Hugs

    Grace
     
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well. Im sorry for your mommy heart.

    I want to strangle difficult child. He was in the Marines so he doesnt need a curfew? Me thinks he lost the right to pull the Marines card because he couldnt follow their rules either.

    He will be ok. Im sure things wont be pleasant for awhile and he may blame everyone but himself for this. You know the truth.
     
  5. jamrobmic

    jamrobmic New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Coookie</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I know I have to let go but I really believe that I will now have no relationship with difficult child.</div></div>

    You have the same relationship with him today that you did yesterday; it's just not the kind of relationship you want it to be. I don't think it's going to improve unless his outlook changes, and I don't think that's going to happen while he's living with you. I would quit trying to convince him that you and husband aren't being unreasonable, because the more you try to convince him he's wrong, it seems like the more he's convinced he's right (and that really sounds very ODD and very familiar).

    I'm truly sorry, because I know how much this has to hurt you. I think making your child move out, especially under such negative circumstances, has to be one of the hardest things a parent can be faced with. At least he did have enough gumption to leave. He was probably just cutting off his nose to spite his face, but he did leave. That's a step in the right direction, even if you regret how it came about. I have a co-worker who has a 28 year-old difficult child. She says he didn't start becoming more mature until she kicked him out (at 19), and wouldn't let him come back (he had moved in and out a few times before that). He lived in his car for a couple of weeks, and it nearly killed her, but he survived. He's still a difficult child, but he's working and has his own apartment.

    I know this is hard, but now he knows he can't walk all over you. I admire you for demanding that he respect you. Things couldn't keep going the way they were.
     
  6. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Many {{{hugs}}}. Sorry you are going through this pain.
     
  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Aw, Robby, you know deep down that this is the way it has to be. In a way, your difficult child is right. A 19 year old shouldn't have a curfew because he shouldn't be there in the first place.

    A 19-year-old former marine can take care of himself. Both husband and I worked our way through college. He can get a job and go to school at night if he wants to. Lots of people do it.

    What he can't (and shouldn't be allowed to do) is treat you disrespectfully and cause you to live in a hellish situation.

    We tried the curfew route at the suggestion of the family therapist but it didn't really work. It seemed silly to be treating a grown-up like a child. The real solution was for her to move out and live like a grown-up.

    We did make our difficult child move out and as you know she has survived. Lately, in particular, she seems to have figured some things out like health insurance is important and paying bills comes before having a good time. It wouldn't have happened if we had allowed her to live here being treated as a child. She just would have stayed dependent on us while continuing her party lifestyle.

    The real problem here, Robby, is that your difficult child will ask to come back. They always do. You and husband need to say no. Unequivocally no. The real question is whether can you do it.

    Please know that we will be here for you no matter what. by the way, we lapsed once and let our difficult child come back and it didn't work. Oh, and our relationship (particularly mine) with our difficult child is so much better now that she is on her own. It's almost like she respects herself more now that she is acting like an adult and doesn't resent us as much. I guess I would explain it as a more adult to adult relationship rather than adult/child relationship so there aren't any power struggles anymore. Does that make sense?

    Sending strength and hugs.

    ~Kathy
     
  8. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    Thank you all for your understanding and caring words...and phone calls. :smile:

    My head knows it was the only thing we could do...just waiting for my heart to catch up... :frown: Would be so nice if those two things would work together wouldn't it? :frown:

    I took his house key so he won't be getting back in unless it is through us. I seriously doubt that he will want to as he is very proud...but this is new territory for us so I suppose anything is possible. :rolleyes:

    I just love him so much...too much maybe and I am an enabler which is something he definitely doesn't need. I just can't think about the situation right now without breaking down so I push it out of my mind.

    husband and I have some healing to do. Our differing methods through this have caused a split but I am confident that we will mend. Just wish my difficult child could allow himself to feel the love we have for him...and accept it.

    Perhaps someday.

    You all are the greatest. Been with me through many sorrows and joys.

    Hugs
     
  9. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    My heart goes out to you. I know this is torture for you but he has been daring you for a long time. You gave him every which way to make the better choice. You aren't an unreasonable family. He didn't learn from his fiasco in the Marines. He feels no remorse for the utter he** he put you through.
    On the other hand. He is 18 and the relationship break isn't written in stone. How he is today won't be how he will be in another year. We hope. There is time for him to come back. To make this better.
    Sending you so many hugs. Remember you aren't alone. You are among many who have felt that separation with their difficult child and hurt. You wake up and put that foot in front of the other and have faith that those ties will stretch across the crevasse. You have to believe that the seeds that were once planted by you and husband will grow. The tree may be a little more crooked than you hope but it will find it's way. You have to believe to get through the tough times.
     
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Remember that men deal with things differently than women do. Im sure your husband has some very strong feelings about his son right now that he doesnt like feeling. It may take him awhile to work through this.

    Moms seem more able to forgive and forget.

    Im sure you and husband will heal. Maybe you could get a new pet to pour your love and affection into.
     
  11. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Thinking of you and your family. Sending strength your way....

    :nonono: :nonono: :nonono:
     
  12. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Robby, the relationship can be mended one day....when he can behave like he should around you. Don't give up hope. When we kicked Angela out, I was prepared to never see her again in my life, but she is a part of my life now and a success story.

    Sending you hugs,
    Sue
     
  13. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    ((BIG PONY HUGS))) coming to my friend Cookie

    I am so sorry for your pain. This is the hardest moment of all, the letting go, yes, even the pushing away.

    In my heart I know the only way my son got better was thru the tough love I had to show him. They don't call it Tough Love for nothing!

    Please do not beat yourself up over this. Perhaps I am reading too much between the lines, but I don't want you to feel you failed, because you couldn't take his abuse. And that's what it was, Robby. Abuse. You be proud of your mommy heart. You have given your son the greatest gift a mother can give.

    I pray in time you are able to see that for yourself, as plainly as I am now able to see it in myself. Time, sister, Time.
    :warrior:

    Peace
     
  14. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    "I know I have to let go but I really believe that I will now have no relationship with difficult child."


    I've been through that feeling with both of my kids in the middle of the "wars" we've had but, at least in my case, it was something that had to happen and, given time, they realized it.

    The relationship you HAD with your difficult child was not working, for you or for him. He may be angry and spiteful and hateful now, but, chances are very good that, given time, he'll look back and see that you were right. I don't know if it will take a day, a week, a month, a year, or a decade, but the time will come when he sees that he was in the wrong and you were right. It is hard to hang on until that day comes but YOU CAN DO IT. For his sake.

    Stop beating yourself up. You did what had to be done. It is not your fault. If blame is to be assigned, it goes to him, not to you.

    There were times that I felt that one or both of my difficult children would never speak to me again. And there were times that made me cry and other times that I could consider it a good thing. They are still young and they are far from perfect but they did learn and they are improving. Sometimes you just have to do what you know is right and let the chips fall where they may.

    Hang on...better days will come.
     
  15. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    Hugs for your hurting heart Robby. Maybe you could give husband a big hug, tell each other you tried, and let difficult child find his way. You are not losing a son....he's just moving on.

    Rules are everywhere. Curfew was nt the reason difficult child couldn't hack it. There was a curfew at bootcamp, and during training. difficult child learned respect in the marines, he just chose to disuse/disregard it to those who give it to him unconditionally.

    Like the others have said...he'll be back. That's where you and husband have to have a plan B. by the way, are you sure difficult child hasn't made copies of the house key? would changing the locks be something to look into?. I know when both of mine left, I got a wonderful feeling knowing that neither of them have a key. IF they stay over, it's only when I'm home. If I'm not home, they are not there.

    Time is a great healer. As time moves forward the hurt will be less and difficult child will find his way.
     
  16. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Remember that PM I sent you a long time ago? Go back and read it again, if you still have it.

    I left my house, pretty much in the same way, 18 and stupid, thinking I was smarter than them.

    You guys do need some healing time. I hope he figures thing out. I will say a prayer that he will at least let you know where he is and that he's okay, instead of making you worry sick. He's trying to punish you, by punishing himself. He just doesn't realize it yet.

    Sending mushy hugs and lots of tissues.
     
  17. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I don't see how you could have done it any other way, Robby. He really gave you no choice. If you'd continued to put up with his baloney it would only get worse.

    What's that saying? Something about sometimes you have to create a crisis in order for change to come about?

    Well, this was certainly an appropriate time to have that crisis.

    Like the others have said, the next challenge will be when he either asks to come back, OR he calls and fills your heads with the utter horror of his new life in order to make you feel guilty as heck. And it will. Pull out the PE Mom's Response list from the archives and have it by the phone so you can be prepared. Plan with husband what you will do together if either of these scenarios is played out.

    I'm sorry :(. I'm sure your heart is broken.

    Hugs,
    Suz
     
  18. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Coookie, I am so sorry that this has happened, but it has been coming for a long time. I hope that this is what he needs to make him realise some facts of life. Anyway, you and your husband both know that you have done everything -- everything -- that you could to give him the start in life that you felt he should have, and it is up to him now to take it from here.

    He will learn the hard way what life is all about. And that will probably be the beginning of the road to an adult relationship between him and you two. I know that my older difficult child, who is now 37, is completely and utterly independent, and has become a very responsible member of society (and a very responsible member of our family, helping out his brothers and sisters too). I think that is why I am not feeling so despondent with today's difficult child (now aged 20). Fed up with him -- yes, but hopeless -- no, because I see what happened with the older one.

    I think the best thing you can do now is concentrate on yourself and husband, and make your lives the way you want it.

    I'm sure you're feeling awful, but it's as if he was trying to make it happen, and now his life is his responsibility.

    Sending you a very big hug, and lots of love,

    from Esther
     
  19. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Robbie...he'll be fine. It might take a few hard knocks for him to get straight, but he'll do it.

    As far as the relationship issue...someone once told me that you don't appreciate your upbring until you have your own kids. It might be awhile, but he'll come around.

    You and husband heal. Let difficult child fend for himself.

    Abbey
     
  20. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Robby,

    Just saw this...sorry I'm so slow on the uptake. difficult child has made his choice - he's forced your & husband's hand in so many ways.

    While difficult child is living his choice you & husband take time to heal - yourselves & your relationship.

    I'm right across town if you need to get together, you know that. Take care of you & your husband.
     
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