Well, difficult child's have cajones thats for sure!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Jabberwockey, Jan 22, 2015.

  1. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Just....wow. Lil called earlier to tell me that our son had called. He was going to ask to borrow the car (the one he used to have all the time) so he could go on a three and a half hour one way trip to pick up his stoner friend from, and I use this term VERY loosely, college. When he still lived with us and was working at the factory he had been talking about bringing this friend up here, getting him a job where our son worked, and they would get a place together.

    Now, this friend is ready to move up here but needs a ride. Whats so unreasonable about this you ask? Good question. Now take into consideration that our difficult child already told us that he wouldn't have February's rent and has asked several times for us to buy him food. So where do you think the $75 to $100 in gas money was going to come from?

    Amusingly, Lil cut him off before he could actually ask and told him it wasn't going to happen. He was apparently quite shocked at this. So shocked he didn't try to argue or get her to understand. Hopefully he's FINALLY figured out that his mom's sympathy meter is pegging at zero!
     
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  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Wow!! It never ceases to amaze me how difficult child's can be so obtuse. Good for Lil that she cut him off. Of course I have no idea what your son looks like but I can just imagine that shocked blank stare of disbelief.
     
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  3. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    It would be cheaper to let the kid catch a greyhound. LOL

    Yep the definitely have the cojones!
     
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  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Exactly what I suggested.

    When he said K (Yay, not another J! LOL) was ready to move up, I said, "And share that tiny apartment?" Apparently that was the plan. So I said, "Before you even ask, you are not taking the car to get him." He said nothing for a minute...and I said something like, "I don't know if you planned on asking, but it is simply not going to happen, under any circumstances." He said something about it being the right size to haul all the other guys stuff and I didn't bother to point out the teeny tiny apartment wouldn't fit anything else, I just said, "Well, that's not going to happen. If he wants to move up here, he'll need to find his own way."

    He said that was what he had called for and I said, "Then I'll talk to you later."
     
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  5. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    I wish I could have seen it! Lil probably does too since it was a phone conversation.
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    why on earth would he think you'd agree?
     
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  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Beats me. If it were me, I'd be worried about keeping every penny of my money so I could pay my rent and electric, so I could maybe pay court costs and such. I'd think there was NO way my parents would give me a thing after everything I'd done. I'd also have taken the 10-20 minutes necessary to call my student loan people to get a forbearance before they go into default and they add thousands to his account...which he hasn't.

    But I'm not a difficult child. Entitled and stupid. :(
     
  8. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Worse, why would he call back and ask again?!?! Said the friend was able to make it to a town an hour away. If he can make it that far, he can make it the rest of the way.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    difficult children in general need us to think for them, as well as do for them.

    His friend impulsively thinks now, now, now. I have to move now.

    No, he doesn't. He can save up for a $19 small moving truck and move that way.

    Or he can find some "friend" (cough) who has his own car and is willing to move him.

    It doesn't have to be NOW and your son and your son needs to get it through his head that the free ride is over.

    But that takes a long time. Sometimes it never sinks in.
     
  10. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Lil and Jabber, boy have you two come a long way. Knowing your child has a warm place to sleep has made you very strong in every important way.

    Good for you, Lil.

    Maybe this will be a wake up call for your son: Mom and Dad mean what they say.

    Cedar
     
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  11. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Applause, applause for both of you but especially Lil. One thing that I can empathize with you on Lil, is that it took my difficult child mistreating my husband for me to stand up to my difficult child too. (Jabber signing for the apartment) Why we can do it for others but allow the bad treatment for ourselves for so long still mystifies me.
    But I digress. You are doing a great job of putting strong boundaries in place. Congratulations to you both.
     
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  12. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    The do not become entitled overnight. They will not become self sufficient overnight. It is a painful process for them and life changing for us.
     
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  13. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    I cant say for certain MWM but I'm at least 75% sure his friend doesn't have a drivers license so he has to rely on rides.

    Honestly, I'm not sure what's up with the timing on this other than our son actually has a place for him to stay and seriously thought that waiting a few weeks before asking would make a difference. To the best of my knowledge the friend is unemployed and living with his father. difficult child has mentioned several times that his friend isn't supposed to be staying there but never said why. Assuming it has to do with a lease but that's just a guess.

    Now that I think about it, the place he chose makes no sense either. We looked at two places; the efficiency that he is in now which is no bigger than our living room and a one bedroom apartment that would be much more suitable to having two people living in it. The price difference was around $50 a month.

    Then again, I'm trying to use logic when dealing with a difficult child. Kinda like trying to use logic when dealing with the government when it does something stupid. All it accomplishes is giving you a headache.

    Ok, just remembered that the one bedroom was a month by month lease where the efficiency was for six months to a year! This way I'm locked in until June to cover for him! Sorry, haven't had enough coffee yet!
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2015
  14. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Don't be too proud of me.

    Yesterday when he called the second time, I defaulted to my usual, "Call tomorrow after work and we'll discuss it." I really don't know why I did that other than he caught me off guard! It was almost 9 and I thought he'd be at work by then...he was still walking up to the building when he called. So I thought maybe I was in the clear for another phone call that night. :(

    I think I'm going to text him at noon (give him time to get some sleep) and tell him there's no reason for him to call us after 5 because there's nothing to discuss. We aren't saying yes. He can't say anything that would change that. He needs every penny of his money for HIM, not to help his stoner friend from "college" move up here into the apartment WE'RE apparently paying for.
     
  15. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Before you think that was mean of me to say...it's my default setting because I always DID discuss it and usually give in...or make Jabber the bad guy...but usually give in.

    Needless to say, if we say NO our son always says, "Why'd you even say we'd discuss it?" Well, because discussing doesn't mean it's a guaranteed yes...but he never understood that.

    But it does seem mean to say that when I don't intend to discuss it at all.
     
  16. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    :rofl:
     
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  17. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Personally I think texting is a preferred way of communicating with a difficult child. That way YOU get a chance to say what you want to say after having some time to think about it and difficult child can't argue with a text. Well they can try but you can always ignore the texts. Bonus reason: you get a record of the outrageous things he says/does. Hard to ignore the facts when they are right there in black and white. Again, I think you deserve cheers for a big step in the right direction!

    :cheerleader:
     
  18. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    But we did discuss it last night. Granted not for long and it was more of me saying "Not just No but Frack No" but we did discuss it. I even said, while he was still on the phone with Lil and HOPEFULLY loud enough that he heard me, that if K can make it to within an hour then he can make it the rest of the way.

    Ours can, has, and does argue with facts right in front of him and in black and white. "But that's not fair!!" being the default argument/whine.

    Yeah, we will say "We will discuss it" and he hears "Yes". Quite annoying.
     
  19. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    For the record, this would be the point where our difficult child would simply call. And call. And call. And call. Until we answered and talked.
     
  20. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    [QUOTE="Jabberwockey, post: 646328,



    Ours can, has, and does argue with facts right in front of him and in black and white. "But that's not fair!!" being the default argument/whine.
    .[/QUOTE]
    I meant it is in black and white for the two of you to see the manipulations and the controlling behavior- at some point you will tire of having to repeatedly explain yourself. It is so much easier to track what has been said/done when you see it written there instead of acting/reacting when you are emotional. It goes along with the "breath, Lil, breathe" - texting gives time for responses to marinate. As for the repeated phone calls - I put a special ringtone for my difficult child - " let me call you sweetheart" because she is anything but lol. By having the special ringtone you decide when/if to awnser. Also when difficult child is on a rant, nothing prevents you from blocking/unblocking his number for 24 hours or until he settles down. Just tools in the toolbox!
     
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