Well, he did it again......

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Addictsmom, May 4, 2014.

  1. Addictsmom

    Addictsmom New Member

    My difficult child got out of jail from the incident where I had to call the cops on him. He stayed with a guy a few days.....seemed to be not drinking.....all apologetic....been there before. Well he decided to sell his nice truck because he can't drive it until next April. He met a girl online and they "fell in love" in two weeks and he moved all his furniture to Macon and spent all the truck money on who knows what.....now he's in macon with a girl he has known 2 weeks, broke, and staying drunk.The girl called me today upset about his behavior and I told her I couldn't get pulled in to his drama......only when he is sober will I talk to him. Anyway, a few hours later I get a text from him. I'm going to write our text exchange her because I can't sleep because I thought I was being too tough. I need someone to slap some sense into me, because I have workers coming early in the morning and have to let them in. Here are the texts: difficult child: Open up the shed Tuesday morning. Gonna put my tvs in there. Me: Really? Shouldn't you ask if you can use my shed? difficult child: well, can I put my tv in there. Me: This week is not good for me to deal with drama. Got workers here every day parked in my driveway. I have to park on the road. difficult child: I'll drop them off early Tuesday morning. going to star house Tuesday. Me: They get here at 8 in the morning. difficult child: I'll be there before that. Me: I don't want any drunk drama near me or my home. difficult child: I won't be drunk. (he's been drunk since he's been in macon)..Me:Just saying. I know you don't want to go back to jail. I know I don't want to through having police at my home again, but I will if I have to. difficult child: For what? Me: If you show up here drunk acting crazy. Never again in this life. Are you leaving all the furniture, etc I gave you down there? difficult child: Nothing to do with drunk. Just want to store my tv. Me: I didn't give you all that furniture, computer and things to dump someplace in Macon. This is where it got ugly......difficult child: How bout if I tell the whole world about how you sent me to live with XXXXX (his Dad) and let him teach me how to be a drug addict. Me: Grow up difficult child. No one teaches someone to be a drug addict. You became a drug addict by the choices you made. There a few more exchanges where he was trying to use guilt to suck me back into enabling him. Since I am studying my program, I recognize my triggers and he knows them well. It's bothering him that they are not working. I ended with saying "what a mean and hateful thing to say to me. U continue to make me realize I can't be around you. Very sad actually". Even though I know I handled the situation right, it still upsets me and now I'm wide awake.....can't sleep.....workman coming to work on my kitchen bright and early in the morning. Thought I would check in and see if I could get myself settled down. That's what this forum does for me. I know I'm no alone.
     
    Lasted edited by : May 5, 2014
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I hate that you are going through this. You always have the right to say no to anyone that treats you badly.
     
  3. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    I am sorry for your pain. I have no advice but do suggest that if those are your son's and his dad's real names that you delete them from your post or use aliases. These posts can be googled.
     
  4. Addictsmom

    Addictsmom New Member

    How do I edit my post? Just realized I shouldn't have put those names out there.
     
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    What I see from the texts you shared is that he is being very manipulative to get what he wants....at first he starts off sounding reasonable... but when you try to set some boundaries and explain why it is difficult for you he is not listening to you but just trying to get what he wants.... and when that doesnt work he gets nasty!

    I have been there with my difficult child plenty of times. If he is really not drinking and in a good place he would be reasonable.... the whole manipulation thing screams he is drinnking and you are right to want no part of that.

    Stay strong.

    TL


    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
  6. christianmom

    christianmom Member

    You mention about "studying your program". Is this something to help when you have a child with an addict? If so, I was wondering if you could share it - I need all the help I can get.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My take?

    He is acting like a "normal" difficult child, which means "My way or the highway and I get abusive and mean too!"

    in my opinion you engaged him too much. YOu don't owe him long explanations as this is YOUR house. "No" is sufficient. You CAN tell him why. Once. Don't throw oil on the fire.

    He is an alcoholic with an alcoholics personality and I dated a dry alcoholic once. He told me being a control freak is a symptom of alcoholism whether or not one is drinking. I don't know if it's true. I went to AA meetings with him. He had been dry for eighteen months. But he was still a control freak. He is STILL dry (we are FB in touch), but he is still a control freak. Don't let your son control you or over-talk you. No is no. Conversation over. Somebody is at the door and you have to go.

    The only way to stay out of his drama, and your goal should be to stay out of it forever, is to refuse to engage him in anything dramatic or when he is drunk. Just say you have to go or don't answer your phone at all. I often have to do this with my son, who is still a drama queen at 36. For my own peace of mind, I have told him I will talk to him until/unless he raises his voice, curses at me, uses female body parts to describe me or any women, or starts calling me names or telling me what happened to him twenty years ago which he uses to make me feel guilty. His childhood is over and what he does with his adulthood is up to him. If his dad is an addict, many children grow up with addiction. Not all of them choose to become addicts...I'd take that argument off the table. It isn't your fault he is what he is. It's his fault. He's already been in jail, yet he is still drinking. That is on HIS shoulders. You are NOT pouring liquor down his throat, are you? It's HE who is doing it.

    Have you read the super-cool article yet on the site about detaching? I would. I have another great read for you, if you're interested. Just click on the link!

    What most of us have to learn is that we can live a great life even if our grown kids are imploding. After all, we are two separate people. They are not little kids anymore. We do not help them by "helping" them, if you get what I mean. They have to get clean on their own. Only THEY can do it. We can't. We can't even help...our words often just make them petulant like a grown toddler. The only one we can influence in any way is ourselves...us...in your case YOU. You are a good person who did your best and now you deserve a good life without your son's self-inflicted drama.

    Here's the link. It's really a worthwhile read for moms like us!!!

    http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-N...3&sr=1-1&keywords=beattie+codependent+no+more
     
  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I edited the names for you. My difficult child did the exact same thing . . . threatening to "expose" to the world what a bad mother I was. Like anyone would care or believe anything that a drunk has to say.

    You handled it very well. Stick to your guns. He can find somewhere else to store his television. He is just trying to draw you in again.

    If you need to edit your posts in the future, look at the bottom of your post and you will see an edit button.

    ~Kathy
     
  9. Addictsmom

    Addictsmom New Member

    Thanks for your words of encouragement. @MWM.....I will add that book to my reading list. And I agree with EVERYTHING you said.
    @christianmom.....by working my program, I am referring to alanon.
    @Kathy....thanks for editing my posts! I wasn't thinking when I posted that information. Imagine that....LOL.
    Feel better today. Going to lunch with a friend.:_redface:
     
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks Kathy!
     
  11. christianmom

    christianmom Member

    Thank you.
     
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