Well, he's blown the one good chance he's had!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mtdenise, Sep 26, 2015.

  1. mtdenise

    mtdenise Member

    He’s blown what I think is his last chance. My son moved 6 hours away with a friend who really wanted to help him. This friend is the real deal, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t drink, etc. Told my son if he broke the rules (no drugs) then he’d have to leave. They’ve only been there a couple months. My son found a job at a restaurant. Just got an email from the friend saying he found drug paraphernalia and marijuana in my son’s dresser. He did an at-home drug test and my son tested positive for marijuana and cocaine. What’s really crazy is that he denied doing drugs and was coming up with every excuse imaginable.

    His friend told him he has one week to leave, unless he admits he has issues and seeks help. I’m not holding my breath that my son will do that. I wasn’t surprised or shocked by this news. I’m deeply saddened for my son, but he’s 24 and has chosen this path. He’s now 6 hours away from everyone he knows. I have no idea where he’ll go and I really don’t care anymore. I’m so tired of my days being ruined by news of him. I truly hope he ends up in jail someday. Maybe he’ll get help and at least he’ll have a roof over his head and food. Am I a bad person for thinking that? I’m just sick and tired of it all. Think I’ll take the dogs for a walk to clear my head.
  2. mtdenise

    mtdenise Member

    Another email from the friend states that my son was very nonchalant about having to move out. His exact words were "I'll ask a friend if I can move in and drift from house to house." He doesn't care about anything in life. No goals, no aspirations.
  3. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. I know what you mean about your day being ruined by news. It just makes me exhausted sometimes and I just want it to end. Mine is, at the moment, on yet another "last chance"...this is time with an aunt I totally didn't expect to help. She's going to call today and I just really don't want to know what's going on. I appreciate her trying, but it's really between them. We've already told her that if she kicks him out, so be it, not our problem.

    I hope your son finds his way. It amazes me how they just "drift".

    Hugs to you. This stuff is so hard.
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    mtdenise, some of that not-caring attitude comes from the pot. :(
    Sometimes peers have more influence in these kinds of things. But it looks like your son will have to learn from going couch-to-couch as he says. I am so sorry. I picture my son going through this, too, within the next few mo's.
  5. mtdenise

    mtdenise Member

    Exactly! Every time his friend would call, text, or email, I knew it would never be good news. I actually had the thought that now that his friend is going to kick him out, I may not hear anything about him at all. My son has never been the sort to call or text me when he's in these situations. Ignorance will be bliss for me!

    Yes, I'm sure that's it. He's been this way for so long now...not caring about anything. Started with his appearance many years ago.
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hello mtdenise, welcome to this sight, it truly is a soft place to land, there are others who will share experiences with you that will help guide and strengthen your way. I am sorry for your troubles. I wish I had found this place years ago!

    Our family has been down this road for a long time. We are wiped out emotionally. It is an impossible situation as long as our adult children are using drugs. We learned that the hard way, by giving in and allowing chance after chance. I believe blind love was our weakest link in the chain of events. We did not see the writing on the wall. We held on to hope and thought each time we opened the door that our daughters would make their way out of their mess by allowing them a place in our home. The end result was always ugly. What would start out with promises, ended with a downward spiral. Our home became a battlefield of incidences.

    We finally realized that our oldest difficult child had joined the dregs of society to support her using, was a habitual liar, a thief, and had lost her conscience. We were targeted. It was ugly. We are not trained to deal with addiction. Our middle difficult child chose a similar path with an abusive, controlling boyfriend and three children in tow. UGH!

    You have made a solid decision by not allowing your son to live at home.

    You are not a bad person, you have stood your ground and firmly stated by word and action that this is not acceptable in your home. This takes courage and a healthy self concept. BRAVO!

    It was your sons choice to go and live six hours away. He had this chance to get clean with a friend who was willing to help.

    The problem is, anywhere our adult children go, if they chooses to use, they will find like-minded people.

    My daughter has chosen this path, to estrange herself from her blood. Users have become her family, it is a place of comfort for her, no judgement, no rules.

    Our children are adults and have a responsibility to choose their way, to write their own stories. I pray for them, that they will open their eyes. At this point, my daughter despises a "normal" life. WE are the strange ones, bending to societal rules. Users have a code, and do take care of each other in their own way. It is what it is. It is sad and energy depleting.

    I understand your wishes that he go to jail, at least he will have to be clean?

    Hold on to the thought of being sick and tired of it, but do not let it overcome you. You have no control over the choices of your son, but you do have control over your reaction, you do have some control over your life.

    I wish I had kept up with my journaling through these years. Then, maybe I would have changed my response earlier on, held some ground through a visual written accounting of it all. It is so easy for our difficult children to put their history behind them and continue in destructive ways. I do not think they see the hurt they have caused. Most encounters with my daughters are highlighted with blame. Drugs rule the head and heart.

    Denial is a big one too. "That's not my pipe. Just because I hang out with people who use doesn't mean I do. I ONLY smoke pot. People who use drugs are not all bad." the list goes on.

    I wish you strength and comfort.

    It has helped me to pray for my children. I must remove the blinders of "parental" love, stop viewing them as the babies I raised. For now, that means I do not even have contact.
    With one child, by her choice, the other, by my own. This does not mean I do not love them, do not hope for them. I do.

    Someone once said, "They have wings you know, and their wings work."

    This site has helped a lot, reading and posting is helping me deal. Others experiences and thoughtful comments have helped direct my choices.

    You are not alone. Big hugs to you and your family.
  7. mtdenise

    mtdenise Member

    Thank you for your kind words New Leaf. Knowing others understand is a wonderful thing. So happy I found this board.
  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh mtdenise, that's a tough one. I know, I've been there. My son has burned so many bridges with people. It always starts out with good intentions, being on their best behavior then for whatever reason they backslide.

    It was very kind of his friend to give him a chance. It's good that he made it clear up front what his expectations were.

    Somehow I'm sure your son will manage just as mine does. I will never understand it but then again, it's not for me to understand.

    There is a real freedom when we detach and let our DCs live their lives the way they want.

    I'm so glad you shared. I know how hard it is.

    Hang in there.

    ((HUGS)) to you!!
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Mt. Denise, I am so sorry this is happening.

    What a wonderful person is that friend. And to offer your son the opportunity to own his behavior and to stay.

    The thing is, good intentions of good people do not seem to do the trick. It is always back to the individual. Your son is not ready. He is not suffering enough. Perhaps his lackadaisical attitude is the marijuana. Perhaps, pride. Maybe, immaturity. But your resolve is the correct way to go. What is that saying, Not my circus, not my monkey. Or is it the other way around?

    For years and years I wished my son would go to prison. You are not alone in that. I believed there he would be taught by the other inmates to take responsibility for his behavior.

    Your son is choosing, with his feet. He will keep on living this way as long as he chooses. One day, he will choose differently. This is not his last chance. Every day will offer him another chance to change. He is young.

    Now, try to take care of yourself. Keep posting. We are here for you.

  10. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    He will have other chances. Pray that he will be ready to accept that help. That is all you can do.
  11. mtdenise

    mtdenise Member

    Yes, I have to remind myself that he can change if he really wants to. I guess I felt this was his last "easy" chance, but I see that "easy" may not be what he needs to finally get it.
  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Mtdenise, for most of our kids, they had it easy and that didn't work. For them to grow up, it comes hard. Harder than I ever would have imagined but once they start wanting it more than the lives they are living now, and they start working for it, then the self esteem starts to build. If we can just stand back and stand down long enough, many of our DCs will have a chance to change. It's still up to them and it doesn't happen on our timeline that is for sure. Our job becomes loving, hoping and praying from a distance and using all of that energy on ourselves. He will have other chances and I am hoping one of those will be the one he takes. Hugs for you today.