Well I just snapped.

[Big Bad Kitty]

Tink has been pushing her limits with me for weeks now.

I can't get her in to a neuropsychologist (because he does not think she needs that type of testing) and I have been trying to reach her psychiatrist but can't. I need his referral so I can take her to the Occupational Therapist (OT). He only comes into the clinic where we see him once a month; I don't know where his private practice is.

First she pushes me with wanting to wear shorts. It's 32* out and the kid wants to wear shorts. I try to "basket C what I can, but come on. So we fight every morning about her attire. Then it's an argument every afternoon about her homework. I am so skimming the surface here. This morning, she started to rearrange her room. She gets about halfway done and says she will finish after school. Fine. After school today, we have a snack, do homework. Have dinner. Play "queen and princess" for an HOUR. Then I tell her she better start picking up her room.

Cue meltdown. She starts throwing herself on the ground. Instead of reacting, I ask her if she wants help. She says yes. She is still in her gorgeous princess dress that she wore to her daddy daughter dance. She needs prodding the entire way but makes it to her room where she lays on the bed. I ask her where her jewelry is, so I can put away a necklace. She does not know. I say "OK, well can you pick a place?" She yells "NO!" I said "You know what, I offered to help, and you are NOT going to talk to me that way. Understand?" Again, she yells "NO!!" I lean over her and say "I just said, do NOT yell at me." she looks right at me and says "NO!!"

Well, I popped her one in the mouth. Not hard. Enough to get her attention. And walked out of the room feeling horrible. I can't take it. I can't stand it. What the he!! am I doing wrong. This kid does not respond to charts, requests, yelling, pleading, commands, braille, pictures, flag signals, what the HECK am I doing wrong??

Then she comes in here where I am typing, and like nothing happens, asks if we can play. I tell her no, I am doing playing for the day. She starts to tear her dress. I tell her You know what, let's take off the dress and you can go be mad in your room. She starts screaming bloody murder "you will NOT TAKE MY DRESS!" Finally I let it go. I told her, go in your room, don't bother cleaning it, leave it a mess, and go ahead and ruin your dress. I just did not care.

She just came in, in different clothes, apologizing.

What is WRONG with me??

 

[ML]

You have a difficult child. You're human. They push us every day and sometimes we don't always react perfectly. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I think you are a great mom, BBK. Try to let it go and resolve to do better tomorrow. Thinking of you xoxoxo

 

[tammyjh]

We all have our limits and have all done things in the heat of the moment that later we wished we didn't. I have popped difficult child in the mouth before...it was so long ago that I don't even remember what it was about. But, like you, I felt really bad after. Don't beat yourself up over it.
(((((hugs)))))

 

[wakeupcall]

BBK, I think it didn't hurt a thing. Sometimes it just happens. Tink is only 7 and I'm afraid you may have many more years of this. My difficult child is 12 and acts exactly the same way every single day....I'm not kidding, EVERY day. It's exhausting. I haven't popped him in a long time, but it's comin'.

You're a GREAT mom...and don't forget it!!!

 

[Wiped Out]

BBK,
I'm sorry you are having a rough day. Please be gentle with yourself. The constant wearing down is exhausting. Gentle hugs.

 

[julieb]

This sounds like what I go thru each day with my 4.5 yr old son. Don't feel that you are doing something wrong, It's not you.

I too thought the same things, what did I do wrong, what am I missing but then I found this site and it helps to know that others can relate to me and have the same struggles.

Sending hugs your way!! Hang in there.......I am trying too as well

Good Luck!

 

[Tiapet]

Aww BBK, don't be so hard on yourself! You are human and difficult child's are superhuman at times on us. We can only take so much for so long. {hugs}

 

[Marguerite]

She came back in and apologised. You won. End of story.

These kids rage and really are not fully in control. Walking away and retracting your offer to help - just right.

Marg

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I feel so horrible. She asked if I would help her do something.
I told her in a second, I had to finish typing. She asked, what was I typing? I told her I was looking for help, for us. Because things get hard and because I don't want to be a bad mom.

She started crying and said "I'm a bad daughter!"

Oh my heart just broke. I held her and rocked her. Of course I told her that she is not a bad daughter, but that we both make mistakes sometimes. And I apologized as well.

I try to stay in the moment. I just can't wrap my brain around eleven more years of this. We always get around to resolving the issues. Why can't I figure out how to prevent them?

I am so mad at myself for hitting her. I feel so guilty.

 

[totoro]

You are such a terrible MOM!!! You know what you would not be here, you would not even be in that place with her right now if you really were a BAD MOM!!!
MARCH MADNESS is upon all of us... the weather is driving everyone crazy... she is a difficult child... you have your own issues.
We get sick of it. If you had popped her and not stopped, or not felt a little bad... maybe then you would be justified for getting the bad Mom label...
BUT SORRY YOU ARE NOT GETTING THE BAD MOM LABEL!!!
I just snapped at K, because she is making some gross noise with spit in her mouth!!! She wont stop... this is after she has been manic since getting home from school... she has had 3 break downs. Knocked her sister down... even though at this point I have been more than patient with her... I still feel guilty for snapping at her... (even though she deserved it!) and she still hasn't calmed down!!! I may snap again...

You are just trying to get through each day... these kids!!! Go easy on yourself. Keep pushing the DOCS... maybe her Abilify needs tweaking? Sometimes in the spring they need adjustment.

 

[smallworld]

BBK, we all snap at our kids. We all feel guilty about it. It comes with the territory.

I do have a couple of suggestions for you. First, can you find a solution to the clothing problem that is acceptable to both you and Tink? Like leggings or tights under shorts? Or long shorts with soccer socks? Or can you let her wear shorts to experience the natural consequences of being cold (I know, I know, you live in Chicago). I never took on the clothing battle with my son, who to this day rarely wears a winter jacket and instead dons a fleecy sweatshirt on the coldest of days. Kids with mood dysregulation frequently experience temperature dysregulation as well. Tink may very well not be as cold as you or I.

Second, I could be wrong here, but I'm guessing the meltdown ensued because you asked her about picking up her room when she was depleted from the day. You might try tomorrow morning when she's well-rested or right after dinner. I think it's great that you offered to help because a 7-year-old is often incapable of cleaning up an entire room by herself (but they sure are good about messing up an entire room all by themselves).

Hang in there. Tomorrow is another day.

 

[meowbunny]

Let's see, you let her have fun. Then she pushed. Then she pushed some more. And, to top it off, she pushed even more. You didn't beat her. You didn't make her bleed (did you?). You probably shocked her more than hurt her. I know how awful it feels to hit your child. I doubt there are many, if any, here who don't know exactly how you feel.

We forgive our children if they hit us, hurt us, steal from us, whatever they do, we forgive. We also need to learn to forgive ourselves for daring to be human.

BBK, give yourself a break. You really are doing a great job in raising your child. If you have any doubts, look at the dress she was wearing today and the sacrifices and pain you went through so she have a special day. That, my dear, is a wonderful mother! You did that through all of your hurt. Today is a very minor glitch. She'll remember the dress and the dance, the odds are she won't remember the pop.

As to your conversation while you were typing, suggest you phrase it a little differently if it ever comes up. Not that you're trying to not be a bad mom -- for you, that would be impossible, anyway -- but that you're trying to be the best mom you can be just like Tink is trying to be the best little girl she can be. Unfortunately for both of you, your humanness gets in the way of being perfect. All either of you can ask is to be the best you can be.

BBK, YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

SW, yeah, we have begun to compromise with the clothes. She will occasionally do the leggings. Occasionally she will take my advice and just wear jeans. There are days where she she is adamant (like yesterday) that it is Spring, so it should be warm, and Winter is over, so she is wearing shorts, and that is that. I've sent her out on the patio and said "see how cold it is out; you can see your breath." "I don't care." OK, fine, suffer the natural consequences. We are getting better about it. I have tried to basket C it as much as possible, and it's been going well about 85% of the time, but we still have our moments.

As far as her room goes, I have been at least been basket B-ing it. This morning, she happened to get a wild hair and started to re-organize. Which left a bunch of stuff all over her bed. She did have time to finish this morning before school, but made the choice to watch TV instead, and finish the room after school. This was about an hour after dinner, but we eat really early since she is very hungry after school, so it was not even 6PM. And I had just played with her. So I did not think there were going to be any triggers.

Woof. Was I wrong. If I had even saw one out in left field, I would have scratched it. The only reason it had to be done was because her bed was full. As it ended up, she just dumped everything onto the floor. And there is stayed.

Thank you for your feedback, Smallworld and everyone. I came running in here and started typing immediately after the incident. I don't know what I would do without this board and you guys.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Thank you, MB. Your words mean an awful lot. They really do. Especially coming from the mother of Tink's older sister

 

[flutterbee]

BBK -

You're human. You snapped. I've snapped. We've all snapped. I've screamed at my child so loudly that my throat was raw for the rest of the night.

I remember when Wynter started really having her rages/meltdowns in earnest. She was 4. Would carry her to her room and sit outside the door holding on the doorknob until she finally realized she wasn't coming out. With all the windows and doors closed, you could hear her at the street. I was always waiting for the police to show up. I was sure someone would think I was beating my child. Anyway, a friend called me during one such episode and told me that I had way more patience than her; that she couldn't deal with it. I told her that is why I was downstairs and she was upstairs; if I touched her, I was going to hurt her. My then 4 year old baby girl. It's hard to imagine being that angry/frustrated with your sweet little girl. But it happens.

Or another time when she was a bit older and just really mouthing off to me. I vividly remember envisioning myself leaping across the coffee table and smacking her across the face. I didn't, but I was that angry. I have spanked my child, I have popped her on the mouth like you described. We're human. We have our limits, too.

How about this? Check out the weather for the next day every night together. Then, have Tink pick out an outfit for the next day. Maybe let her pick out a couple of outfits in case she's not feeling like the one outfit the next day (you know how us girls are).

It's babysteps. If you can nip one battle a day that always happens during a stressful time - getting ready for school and a meltdown makes her late, for example - it really helps set the tone for the rest of the day. For you and for Tink.

((((hugs))))

 

[dreamer]

Aw hugs!
Nothing wrong with you- well, except you are probably on stress overload yourself, ----be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, you are human. I bet Tink forgives......

 

[Shari]

I odn't have any other advice, but wanted to send some hugs. You're doing a great job. Like someone said, if you didn't care, you wouldn't have been googling behavior problems at 4am and found this place to begin with.

Many hugs. You did great.

 

[dreamer]

WOW! SO many replies came in while I was typing mine!
BBK- really and truly.....go gentle on yourself.
Sounds like Tink is handleing the incident, -- follow her lead.
Hugs to both of you.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Thank you, thank you, thank you all so much.

When I get to this point, and I snap, I intellectually KNOW everything that you are all telling me. But that is when logic shuts off and emotion takes over. I cannot think logically. I am running on pure emotion. I need this place and everyone's wisdom and comfort. I crave the group hug and the affirmations that I am not alone.

Now that the dust has settled a bit and I am thinking more clearly, I know she will forgive. She will forgive me long before I forgive myself. I know that there are ways to do things differently so that this very same episode does not repeat. But when I was in crisis mode, and I was catastrophizing, all I could think about was "oh yea, so I solve THIS problem, and so what? She will come up with 5 more." And so what if she does. I will deal with them when the time comes.

Probably with your help! Love you guys!

 

[Steely]

Just another hug from a veteran difficult child mom. Believe me, I have snapped more than once. In fact the other night I remembered an incident where I snapped, so dramatically, it gave me chills just to remember that I was that mad, and that out of control.
It is SO hard to parent these kids - but you know what? Every parent on this board tries so blinking hard it amazes me every time I log on here! And you are absolutely one of them. You are incredible.

Keep fighting the good fight. Tomorrow will be a better day.