Well I'm back and being stupid still...again!!!!!!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Coookie, Feb 6, 2007.

  1. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    There has to be something seriously wrong with me guys. difficult child is halfheartedly looking for work...online...doesn't sleep at night so of course he has "to sleep during the day". Was supposed to take his drivers test last Thursday but wouldn't get up and it is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 8:00..if he gets up.

    I was doing pretty good, keeping extremely busy but I think I am an emotionally sick person. :frown: husband and I have fought more in the last 2 months than in our entire 17 years of marriage...and I know he is right. :frown:

    I know in my head that difficult child needs to go but my heart is trailing a far behind second. I have found myself falling into the same old "going out of my way to kick him in the :censored2: to keep him from getting kicked out" mode. :redface:

    husband told me the other night..."I don't care if he doesn't have any place to go, or a job...we have done our job and I want him out...or I will leave." :confused:

    Wish there was a place for mom's to go so that they could just let their husband's handle things and not have to know everything that is going on..

    Better yet I wish there was a pill to take to stop the heartache and live only on logic and doing what you know is right for your kid. :frown:

    Loving someone shouldn't hurt so much. :frown:

    Thanks for listening to my vent...

    Hugs
     
  2. judi

    judi Active Member

    Robby - I am so sorry and believe me, you know I've been there with my son too. This week after he threatened me I finally came to the realization that I'm not helping him, I'm hurting him. (It took me long enough - he'll be 22 in June - lol). Anyway, sometimes as much as it hurts you, you do have to insist that they grow up. I know its not easy and I too really wrestled with this. However, in the end, he has to be separate from the umbilical cord. Will keep sending positive thoughts your way.
     
  3. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    Thanks judi,

    Thought I had a really good handle on this whole thing but seems I have slipped back into the same ole same ole sick savior mode. :frown:

    Not feeling too good about myself right now I guess. Like an out of body experience...standing over myself watching myself being a fool. :frown:

    Hugs

    p.s. Judi, I am sending you hugs. I read your thread and I hope to someday have that same strength.
     
  4. KFld

    KFld New Member

    You are taking the first step. You are realizing that your way of thinking has to change, or he won't. Don't allow your husband to leave!! That would be a huge mistake. You two have to figure out a plan, stand strong and do this together.
    It takes some of us longer to know when the time is right to take action, but you sound like you are reaching that time.

    If you allow him to continue to live there, the way he is living will continue.

    We are here for you, as many of us have been there done that already. I know how much it hurts, but I can also tell you it does get better!!! You can do this and survive the pain. I am proof! Look how far my difficult child has come :smile:
     
  5. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Oh wow Robby
    [ QUOTE ]
    We are here for you, as many of us have been there done that already. I know how much it hurts, but I can also tell you it does get better!!! You can do this and survive the pain. I am proof! Look how far my difficult child has come

    [/ QUOTE ]
    SAME HERE! ME TOO!!

    :warrior: Hugs for your hurting heart. I am so sorry for your pain. Sending strong thoughts of comfort your way.

    Peace
     
  6. TYLERFAN

    TYLERFAN New Member

    Oh Robby:

    I can certainly tell you that I know how you feel.
    I am so sorry.
    Although I am sorry husband gave the "he goes or I do" speech....I think husband is right. It will hurt definately, but how is doing what you are doing "helping" him help himself?
    He is only hurting himself and you and now your marraige.....where does it end? Your husband will be there long after difficult child departs. If it were me, you can bet your life I would stay with my SO and send difficult child on her way. I don't mean to sound harsh and I just read what I wrote and thought it could sound that way. You know I don't intend harshness. I only wish the best for you Robby, but there must be a return to serenity in your life,too. Serenity is a word that only through NA I learned......it is so much better than chaos.
    Please let us know how it goes. Let husband do what husband wants to do, that way he will be the one to have to also deal with him later,hopefully.

    Blessings,
    Melissa *
     
  7. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    I have to agree with Melissa. Your husband comes before your difficult child.

    Project yourself in the future, difficult child is 50, still a difficult child living with you, your husband is long gone and you are walking around on eggshells trying to live with your son. Yuch! Right?

    I know there is no easy answer. Kicking him out will be the hardest thing. But how easy is it with him living at home? You know that we will be her for you.

    ((((((HUGS))))))
     
  8. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Robby, I have to admit that I don't understand how you are feeling right now.

    What has changed from your earlier resolve to help him LEAVE the nest? What has changed from your earlier resolve to maintain the peaceful and wonderful life you and husband had created while difficult child was away?

    How can we help remind you of those resolutions and how can we help you try to gain that strength again?

    Hugs,
    Suz
     
  9. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Robby, I do understand your situation/feelings. I told husband the other night that he could just live with Melissa here and I would move out. Well, he didn't take me seriously and I wasn't serious anyway although I wanted to leave at the moment. I know in my heart that staying together with my husband is best.

    [ QUOTE ]
    Better yet I wish there was a pill to take to stop the heartache and live only on logic and doing what you know is right for your kid.

    Loving someone shouldn't hurt so much.

    [/ QUOTE ]

    I agree with you.

    Hugs,
    Sue
     
  10. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Robbie,

    It doesn't have to be 'leave right now.' Give him a time frame to leave and stick with it. If he chooses to not take advantage of that time period...his problem. One thing that always amazes me about these kids is that they are remarkably talented at living on the streets if push comes to shove. They float from friend to friend, homeless shelters, etc.

    Be strong, Robbie. Seventeen years is a lot to give up on when your son is not making attempts to get his life in order.

    Abbey
     
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Robby...you cant fix him. He will only fix himself when the pain of not getting fixed is greater than the pain of staying still.

    Right now he is comfy. This was my biggest concern with your son returning to your home. I had a feeling he would return to his old ways of behaving. He cant live in the basement, sleeping all day long, half-heartedly looking for work online for the next ten years or more. He isnt living up to the plans and agreements he made to become a productive member of society.

    Now its time for you to remember what it was like to watch him learn skills as a toddler. Remember when he ran and fell down and scraped his knees? Remember riding the two wheeler without training wheels and he fell? He had to do those things alone to learn. You couldnt learn to run or ride for him...he had to do it and take the ouchies. Now he is going to have to learn some grownup skills. If he chooses to do them in a difficult child way...well...the ouchies will be bigger. You still have to stand on the side and simply watch. Let husband kick him out. He will find a way. They all do.
     
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending caring support your way. DDD
     
  13. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Coookie,

    I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I think the indecision makes it so much harder -- see how good Judi is feeling now that she has made up her mind. I understand where you are at, and I think all the "girls" here are quite right that husband has to come first. difficult child will manage, and maybe life's knocks will teach him what they are unwilling to learn from us parents.

    Sending you a big hug.

    Love, Esther
     
  14. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I DO understand how you are feeling, too. you had your hopes up for him. you hated how things were with him before the service. when he was in, you believed the past was past. with him back, your hopes were dashed and you are sinking to a new low.

    tell your husband you will stick by him. sit your son down and let husband tell him he has two weeks to get a job, any job...or he has to move to a shelter. your son needs a push. seems you are doing all the work to keep the peace. stand behind your husband and let him be the heavy. tell your son you cannot help it, dad is the boss and you must abide by his rules.

    you can still pray for your son and be his saviour. God be with you all thru this tough time.
     
  15. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Hi Rob, sorry things are slipping backwards. I keep thinking this whole parenting thing is a process between how we want it and how it actually is.
    My difficult child told me the other day that he didn't care for a group of young men because their parents never pushed them to do anything. He said that I pushed(I prefer the term nudged) him to learn to drive, to go away from home, to be held accountable. He thought the others were too dependent and seemed to want to live with their parents forever. They didn't see what the real world was like or offered them.
    This is like wisdom from the mouth of babes. He drags his feet over everything, fights me then accomplishes the goal. 2 or 3 yrs later I get the comments like "I'm really glad I did those things". (not thanks for pushing me, mom). My difficult child isn't known for reflection so this must be fairly obvious.
    My worst nightmare is living with my adult son as he constantly berates and criticizes me as he does nothing. I'll be taking care of him and he will be running the show. It's sick.
    My husband and I are the healthy stable part of this family unit and difficult child isn't getting in between that. No way, no how. We spent years helping him and will continue to parent him but not at the price of the good things in our life.
    You don't want to entwine yourself with difficult child in a weird twisted way. He is verbally and emotionally a bully to you and you are trying to make him see how much you want to please him. Where are the survival skills to keep you healthy and balanced?

    I have to agree that your husband is right to be frustrated. You both took him back into your home under less than stellar conditions but you did. Now he can't be appreciative enough to get out of bed to get a driver's liscense.(which is strange to begin with) It's no wonder both you and husband are chasing your tails with him.
    No criticism, I know I have chased my tail when dealing with difficult child many times over different situations.
    Hugs.
     
  16. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    Robby, I'm so sorry...sounds like the two of you are really suffering as a couple.

    I agree with many of the others----husband comes first. I speak from experience. I spent a year separated from my husband. Many of our problems had to do with fighting over how to deal with difficult child. He moved back in a couple of weeks after she moved out. She came home for about 4 months, and once again, our marriage became strained. We are much happier when she is not home!

    It is such a hard thing to boot your child out, though. My difficult child is having huge financial problems (due to her impulsive choices, of course) and I forsee her losing her apartment and asking to come home. I don't know if I can do that again...
     
  17. Jen

    Jen New Member

    I have felt the same way about my husband responses and my difficult child's, and thought the same was as you. I finally let my husband handle it. That was always one thing in our marriage, he had great ideas, but I was to the bad person, NO MORE. Now I agree and tell GO FOR IT!. It gets done, I dont have to be the heavy, and I can check out allat the same time.
     
  18. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    Thank you all...

    I had to leave and go to work but just got home and read this all again. :frown: husband did give him a time frame and it will be up the end of this week. difficult child just doesn't seem to see, or want to see, that husband is not blowing smoke. I will stand by husband, I just don't want to hurt anymore. :frown: It was a year ago today that difficult child left for bootcamp. Such hopes and dreams we had. Hard to believe all the whining I did when he was gone...perhaps I jinxed the whole thing huh? :highvoltage:

    husband told me this morning to just "stand back". My husband does come first. I do not like to see anyone hurt...I will try my best to make anyone feel better if I can...I wonder if part of my "problem" is that I think difficult child is so hurt that his biomom doesn't care? He has never said as much...just something in my mind..how I would feel.

    Suz, I don't know what happened to the strength and resolve I had. Don't know where it went. When difficult child was UA and we didn't know where he was the pain was almost unbearable. husband got mad, I got deeply depressed. husband is still mad about that..the fact that difficult child didn't call. husband will not even talk to me about difficult child anymore. His comment was "I will not stand around and see you upset, I will not take any time off of work, I will not bend my schedule and commitments to try to help difficult child anymore"... I want him out!".

    husband is right. Taking him for his driving test in the morning will be the last thing I will do. I have scheduled many hours at work and many shops so my time will be extremely limited. I passed my PI class and am waiting for my diploma so I will pick up some jobs doing that also.

    What a mess I am huh? I will not be living with my difficult child without my husband...

    Hugs
     
  19. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    Hi, Coookie,
    As usual, I'm late getting in on this but I do want to send you a hug. It sounds like things are not so good right now.
    I agree with the others; your husband should come first. I've done this difficult child thing alone and I can see that if I had had a husband to help shoulder some of the responsibility, it might have helped. When I was weak maybe he would have been strong. That sounds like what is happening at your house. I know how hard it is to let these kids sink or swim; I'm a first class enabler and I know it. I need somebody to kick me in the behind and wake me up once in awhile. That doesn't make it any easier but at least another opinion sometimes helps. Let your husband be in charge of this one. It hurts to want to help them and not be able to but, if you look at it objectively it becomes apparent that "helping them" a lot of times is NOT helping them.
    Is there any chance that, once you lay down the law to difficult child, you and husband can plan a special Valentine weekend together where you can go away and not see, think of, or discuss difficult child for a couple of days? Maybe you could surprise him with something special to get your minds on something else besides the chaos of difficult child. Just a thought.
     
  20. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Cookie, I know this is difficult, but think about the quality of your life. When your difficult child was out of the house, was the chaos was gone? Let your husband handle it. Take yourself out of the picture....I would be gone for the weekend.
     
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