Well, it All Hit the Fan Tonight...

[DaisyFace]

Yesterday, I posted about difficult child using her phone to access fb and other sites and I wondered what to do about it...

We found out she was doing this because we had taken her phone away one night...

Then today, we found out she had been using husband's computer in the middle of the night for IM-ing and gosh knows what else.

husband and I decided we were not OK with that. We decided to take the phone away as a consequence.

husband did this in a calm and rational manner. difficult child responded by telling him that she had absolutely no intention of following his rules anyway.

husband told her that if that's the way she feels - she could get out.

So she packed a bag, smiled at him and told him the police would be paying him a visit. And she left.


husband says they can arrest him if they want - he is done.


I really hope it does not come down to that....but I don't know what else to do.

 

[HaoZi]

We can hope it'll land her in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) like she's been needing, right?

 

[BusynMember]

If she actually is an emergent borderline, I'm not surprised. They self-destruct.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[DaisyFace]

If she actually is an emergent borderline, I'm not surprised. They self-destruct.

I think that diagnosis is becoming more and more accurate as time goes by...

 

[DaisyFace]

I don't know if it will lead to Residential Treatment Center (RTC)...

I certainly don't want to get my hopes up.

 

[tiredmommy]

Many {{{hugs}}} for you and husband. I'll be keeping difficult child and the whole family in my prayers. Try to remember that these kids have a way of finding kind souls to believe their sob stories. One piece of advice: change the locks because she'll probably be back for "her" stuff and anything else she can get out of the house to hock.

 

[klmno]

DF, I doubt seriously if this would be enough to lead to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but your state might be a lot different than ours- and right or wrong, females in the juvie system do seem to get Residential Treatment Center (RTC) a lot more often than the males so maybe she will get it. I don;t think your husband should worry too much about a visit from police though- the worst case scenario is that they give him the stern "you're responsible for this child" talk and even if they get him into a courtroom on that (unlikely but possible), I've come to learn that is an opportunity to say "then when and how does my child learn to take repsonsibility for him/herself, which I'm required to teach him/her?" The whole system is a mess- but after talking to an attny, I learned that refusing the cops or POs "orders" regarding this kind of difficult child koi isn't criminal, so don't worry about it.

 

[TeDo]

Since she left because she didn't want to follow your rules then, personally, I would report her as a runaway but then again that's me and I would want to call her bluff (put the responsibility for her poor choice back on her).

 

[tiredmommy]

I agree with TeDo... I'd try to make a report. You may have to insist but it records that she left rather than was kicked out.

 

[DaisyFace]

I agree with TeDo... I'd try to make a report. You may have to insist but it records that she left rather than was kicked out.

I don't know...

Runaway vs kicked out...

If Dad tells her to get out if she is not willing to follow his rules - I think that is "kicked out"...right?

 

[klmno]

That's the big question with people in the system right now, DF. That's EXACTLY the debate in this state juvie court- what is a parent to do? Don't worry about it- you could call police and tell them what happened and say you're concerned for her safety but feel you had no choice but to say what you did- that might be the best thing- but I wouldn't call up and say she ran away and pretend like the rest of the discussion didn't happen. Give it a reasonable amount of time- if you think she is safe tonight, give it until tomorrow, otherwise call tonight- then call cops and tell the truth. They will log it in whether or not they take an offcial report. That's enough to keep things above board.

Saying that she can't live there if she won't follow the rules isn't the same thing as kicking a kid out, I have come to learn, - it could mean juvie, it could mean dss, etc- it just means that you're reaching a point where you're drawing a line- that IS NOT criminal. If she left on her own accord after that, technically, you could report her as a runaway, but I think I personally would just call cops and tell them what happened, ask them to keep an eye out for her, and if they choose to put it in as a runaway, it's really no big deal. My son was put in the system as a runaway several times and we never went to court once over it. The cops can put it on their raidio if it's reported as a juvenile runaway and they'll keep an eye on her and return her home if found, with no charges against the parent.

 

[DaisyFace]

That's the big question with people in the system right now, DF. That's EXACTLY the debate in this state juvie court- what is a parent to do? Don't worry about it- you could call police and tell them what happened and say you're concerned for her safety but feel you had no choice but to say what you did- that might be the best thing- but I wouldn't call up and say she ran away and pretend like the rest of the discussion didn't happen. Give it a reasonable amount of time- if you think she is safe tonight, give it until tomorrow, otherwise call tonight- then call cops and tell the truth. They will log it in whether or not they take an offcial report. That's enough to keep things above board.

I like that....good suggestion...

 

[tiredmommy]

No... he is insisting that she follow the rules; she decided to leave because she chose not to follow the rules.

 

[KTMom91]

Sending hugs and strength, DF. Hope things settle down at your house soon.

 

[DammitJanet]

I am really sorry this all happened but honestly not all that surprised. She sounds a whole lot like me at that age (and like Cory...god forbid). I can imagine either of us doing something like that except FB wasnt around for Cory and heavens, no internet at all for me! I did leave home constantly at that age and one time I did threaten to call the cops but I never would have done it because I knew it wouldnt have done a bit of good.

You have done nothing wrong. What on earth is she going to tell the cops? "I left home because my parents wont let me solicit older men on the internet!" Thats like the cocaine dealer who wants the cops to find the people who broke into his home and stole his brick of coke. yeah...smart. Cops will bring your dtr home and tell her to mind her parents and stop wasting cops time.

I think I would wait a day or so to see if she turns up before looking for her. Most likely she is at one of her friends figuring you will be running the streets worried sick. Turn the lights off and go to bed.

 

[buddy]

I hope she stays safe and you can find moments of peace. Sorry that she has to learn things the "hard way". It must be so hard to see your child go through all of this. You obviously care so much you are willing to let her really learn and grow, even if those lessons are painful. I will send prayers and positive energy your way...Buddy

 

[keista]

((((HUGS))))

I also don't think this would be considered "kicking her out" She packed her bags, she smiled and made a threat of her own, and she walked out the door of her own free will. in my opinion 'Follow the rules or you can't live here' is pretty much the only real threat a parent has. I've used it on my younger ones "If you don't like it, find another mom'. It is also logical since ALL kids are expected to follow household rules. Your rules are nothing out of the ordinary.

Do you have any idea where she went? If she's not in school tomorrow, I would definitely file a report.

 

[AnnieO]

Sort-of been there done that, back in June with Onyxx.

One: she is a runaway. Period. You did not change the locks, refuse to allow her in the house, throw her stuff on the lawn or away. What husband said will NOT be considered "kicking her out" - trust me - my husband told Onyxx if she could not live with our LENIENT rules, she could leave. The day he said this, she did not - but one week later, he said "go to your room" and she LEFT. She's not spent a night at our home since.

If she does not come back by today, after school - call the police. Tell them you want to report a runaway. They will take a report - that is when you WRITE DOWN what she did, what consequences were levied, what was said. It doesn't matter if you reword; three hundred to one odds what she tells them won't be anything like reality anyway. With her history, though, who do you think will be believed???

and I hope you got some quality sleep.

 

[crazymama30]

Hugs. I would definately file a police report. Out will give you a paper trail and nothing ever happens without a paper trail

 

[exhausted]

Oh man-we must share the same kid! We have over 25 reported runnaways. And she would love us to say," If you can't follow the rules you'll have to find another place to live." On the good side, she has always come home. The problem is, once they run and end up coming home safe, they often begin to use this as a means of control-and boy is it hard to sleep and function when they go.

I don't think you are in any danger with the law. We have called in all the running away. The police have never looked for her, or followed leads or anything(even though she was without her medication), but we did have a paper trail. This was good once we did go to court as it helped us get her placed. I won't say that is anything to hope for with the diagnosis our girls have emerging, they are tough to treat. Our experience with the state system was horrid. It made things worse. But it may help your girl.
I think we are in for the long hall-and anything you can get that helps you have sanity do it. The help you have been "getting" is a bandaide for the gushing wound. You hav been working harder than anyone. Can you go to United Way or your church? Hugs to you!