Well it finally happened.....LONG....SORRY

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by tracyf551, Jul 16, 2009.

  1. tracyf551

    tracyf551 New Member

    difficult child is in jail. It took me so long to reply because i have been dealing with this since 7/4/09. And there is something new everyday. They picked up difficult child at his friends house on 7/9/09 at 9:30am. They were all asleep. One of the boys was picked up earlier that morning on something else. difficult child's hearing is 7/23. His bail is $15,000 cash, no %. I do not have that kind of money and even if I did I would not bail him out. He has called me and I told him I am not bailing him out. I told him I can not take his calls all the time also cuz they are collect and I can't afford it. Of course he got mad and I told him take it or leave it. I am staying as strong as I can be. He is in a jail about 1/2 hour away and I know he is ok.
    My mom on the other hand is not. It was her husband's guns that were taken. (my stepdad-the nicest person you could ever know) difficult child is calling here 4,5,6 times a night (they apparently can use the phone when ever they want) She keeps taking the calls even though they aren't about anything. difficult child is manipulating her with every step. ...get a lawyer-public defenders don't help, call this person call that person, get my bail, sell your car to get me out, it's horrible in here (I know its not, cuz after I told him I wasn't gonna do anything for him he talks to me fine) He is crazy when he talks to her. I told her to stop taking all the calls. All she has to do is hang up when she hears the recording but she won't. My stepfather called me this morning to see if I have talked to her and I told him I have. He said she will not speak to him. She wants him to drop the charges but he has no control over it. The county took over cuz difficult child admitted to taking the guns. I told her that too. I told her if she doesn't get control over this situation and put her foot down with difficult child she is gonna lose her husband. I don't know what to do. I told her so what if difficult child gets mad he will get over it, God he's in jail!!!! If she trys to get him out she might as well have given him that money when he was out to shoot up with cuz that what he will do. He has only been away from that stuff for 1 week and that is not enough time to be clean.
    Also beside the charges there he is still facing the "conspiracy to commit burlary with knowledge" in another township. As well as retail theft and and other charges we don't even know about yet. This is no where from being over yet. I spoke with my aunt who has been a great support for me (she has been thru the heroin with her daughter in the past-clean now for 9 months) She has been calling mom to help her thru this but I don't know what my mom might do. Even if she gets him out where will he go, he has no chance of living with her or here. I can't lose my other 2 sons and husband because of difficult child drugs. If he gets time and help we will all have to talk to see how to handle it but until then I can sleep at night knowing my son is not shooting dope.
    TOTALLY EXHAUSTED!!!!!!:faint:
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are doing well. I am so sorry your mom is so torn up about this. I can understand her grandma heart being broken but you are so correct in that her husband cant drop the charges now because its in the state's attorneys hands now. Same thing happened to me when I filed charges against my son, I couldnt drop the charges either.

    This honestly can be the best thing that happens to him. It really jerked a knot in my kids behind. I could never impose the consequences that the judicial system did and before they came down hard on him and showed him they meant business he thought they were all talk and no action. Jail really seemed to get thru to him.
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    While we never cheer openly that our children are in jail - I think every one of us who has had a kid in jail does a silent "thank you" because while they are there it gives us, as tormented parents a break of sorts.

    If your Mother insists on enabling him by finding the money to get your son out of jail? Tell her that it will be by HER hands alone that his intervention and chance for getting clean is stopped. I would also tell your step dad to privately call the phone company and have all collect calls blocked from his phone number without telling her. At this point she can't handle the calls. I'm sure they upset her, frustrate her, and she sounds like a fixer. MUST FIX THIS...NOW. Must. And when the phone rings and she hears the bell - it's like she goes somewhere else in her mind and then - WHAM - nothing else matters but finding a fix for this problem. It's also an addiction.

    So help her - get her out of the house while your step dad calls the phone company and puts a block on the phone.

    I'm so sorry for you. Hopefully this is where the rubber meets the road for your son and he gets the help that he needs to stop the heroin, find peace in his life and make some life-long changes in himself. I tell myself all the time that it doesn't matter where my son finds peace - as long as he finds it. I tell myself that because I'm not sure that my son is done making life's lessons hard for himself and he could end up back in jail again. I can't fix him. I can only hope that he finds peace - whether that's doing laundry in the prison system and going to the library on his days off - or working in the garden at the state prison yard...I'd like for him to grow up, have a family and freedom - but that's MY interpretation of what is a peace for his life. I just try to remember that and put it into motion in my brain daily. Not as easy as it sounds.

    Hang in there - When you're ready and able - you'll visit him. We'll be there to hold you up. Hugs & Support...

    Much Love
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    My Mom didn't handle it well the first time my nephew went to jail. He had been living with my brother (his uncle) at the time and he and a group of his friends had stolen brother's car, robbed brother's pawn shop, then came back to the house to terrorize brother's wife and rob the house. No mistake about who it was. Idiot nephew admitted to the charges as he thought he would get a slap on the wrist being underage. Instead, they charged him and his friends as adults.

    Sis was releaved her difficult child son was in jail. And hoped he'd get some help while there. My Mom on the other hand, went off the deep end. She took all the calls from nephew, put Sis thru hades over the whole thing, kept trying to get bro to drop the charges ect........

    In the end, my Mom had to learn the hard way. She had to come face to face with the fact that difficult child nephew was not the sweet kid she made him out to be in her mind. Took her a long time, and getting burned a few times to learn it though.

    Many (((hugs))) to you. At least you know he is safe where he is and he can't shoot up. Hopefully Grandma will wise up fast.
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm proud of you for how you are handling this. And I am so sorry that your mother is not dealing with it better. I do hope that he won't continue to be able to manipulate her. Your son has so many charges going on, with different counties, this is likely to go on for months if not years before all of the hearings and custodies are complete. Your mom needs to realize that this is a marathon, not a sprint. So what if she bailed him out of jail? They'd turn him over to the other county! I'm so sorry you all have to go through this. Your step-dad sounds like a smart man.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    What a mess he has made for himself! I hope he had fun while it lasted because he is likely to do some jail time. Hopefully he will be monitored while he detoxes because it is a hideous process. I am sure they are used to it though.

    Would you mom go to an NarcAnon meeting with you? Maybe if you asked her to come meet some friends? Hopefully she will go to the grocery or somewhere and her husband can block the phone then. Blocking those calls will make a big difference because she won't be constantly riled up by him. He sure knows who he can manipulate, doesn't he?

    Sending lots of gentle hugs, and some much needed rest. This is going to be a long hard journey, but you will make it through. Eventually even difficult child will make it through.
  7. maril

    maril New Member

    Hopefully, you have been able to get some rest. It is good you are staying strong.

    Were you able to have your stepdad block the calls as suggested? Your mom must be beside herself. Hopefully, with time, she will become stronger and resistant to manipulation.

    As susiestar said, "This is going to be a long hard journey, but you will make it through. Eventually even difficult child will make it through."

    Hugs to you and wishes for some peace of mind.
  8. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You might also suggest to your stepfather that he call the jail itself, to ask them to block all calls to his number, I know our local jail here will do that (I had to call when Youngest had an ex boyfriend calling my home phone a few years back, and she kept taking the calls).

    I agree that you are handling this wonderfully .. hang in there.
  9. tracyf551

    tracyf551 New Member

    Well mom has stopping taking all the calls. she is not accepting them. When he calls she has been denying the call. Of course he kept calling but I think he is getting the point. She is still taking a call every now and then but not the amount she was before. And even though I told difficult child I would talk to him every other day he still trys to call I just don't answer. (caller ID)
    I did go see him on Sunday for the first time. He cried as soon as he saw me. I told him to stop cuz you don't cry in jail. He says he's tired of being in jail and wants to go home. I just laughed and told him he should just tell them that and see how far he gets. He's doing ok though. Just hard to be locked up. I am doing as well as can be. I did have a brief crying breakdown on Saturday. I don't know what happened or what triggered it I just started bawling.
    Hearing is Thursday and I have no idea what to expect. I will keep you all posted.
  10. maril

    maril New Member

    Good for you and your mom.

    Your strength and resolve are remarkable, and you are taking positive steps. Please remember to take care of yourself, too.

    I will pray that this is a turning point for your son. :praying:
  11. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I too am proud of you for how well you are coping throughout this difficult situation. I do wonder if you and your husband and mother and whoever else is an important figure in your life and/or living within your home might consider a few family therapy sessions? It is unfortunate that your mother is not dealing with the situation better and more than likely this causes you additional difficulties at times. However, just like is the situation with- difficult child, it will be up to you to put her issues back on her. I do hope that she will put two and two together and not let herself be manipulated by your son who needs to understsand and feel the consequences for his actions. How fortunate you are that your step dad is a nice man, but then again how sad that he has been taken advantage of the way he has been in the past. Perhaps some family sessions (sans your son) will help everyone with possible communication issues...helping everyone get on the same page. I am sorry for your anguish...you sound like you are doing very well under very difficult circumstances. Please take very good care of yourself...nurture yourself well. I agree with Maril, lets have good thoughts that this is a turning point for your son.
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm glad that everyone is lightening up on the phone calls. Every other day is still a lot, but it's much much better than being at his beck and call. I imagine that the phone bills will help reality set in for everyone. It's not as though they pick the cheapest provider.

    Nomad gives good advice about having a few family sessions without your son. Everyone really needs to be on the same page, and protective of each other. I know your son hates it there, but that's not something you can or should do anything about. You tried to tell him to stay out of trouble and he didn't want your advice. He has to learn to understand that it's difficult to want to help him given the circumstances, and that you don't actually owe him anything.

    Stay strong. This is only the beginning of this journey for all of you.