Well, it happened . . .

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Kathy813, Jul 1, 2013.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child left sober living today. easy child told me that difficult child had posted on Facebook yesterday that she was moving out with someone on Monday. I got a call tonight from the people at sober living that she left with a roommate that had been kicked out. I am sure she is using again. She left without telling anyone at sober living that she was leaving.

    We had made it very clear that we are not going to support her financially if she left sober living. So she is on her own now without a job.

    I am actually doing okay. I have seen this coming for a while. husband had mentioned that he thought she sounded like she was slurring her words when he talked to her last week. I know in my heart that we have done everything possible to give her a chance at becoming clean and sober and living a functional life. Now, what her life becomes is up to her.

  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm really sorry Kathy. I got that call several times with difficult child leaving sober living. I have to agree with you that her life is now up to her. Thank goodness she has not called you. I was always relieved when my difficult child did not. The calls tugged at my heart strings. It was easier when I knew she did it on her own and was not begging for help.

    I'm really so sorry. I know what lengths you have gone to help her.
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2013
  3. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member

    I'm so sorry Kathy. You have done everything you can do.

    Now, all you can do is take care of yourself. Hugs....
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Kathy, I am so sorry. I'm glad you're doing okay. You've done everything you could possibly have done. Sigh. I know. Hugs...............
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kathy, I'm so sorry. I simply dont know what to say because I had so hoped that she had matured this time enough to actually learn. Please dont take this as any reflection on you at all. Its all on her. She has to make the decisions and only she can do it. When she decides she is sick enough of her life she will do it. Someone once said no one will ever change until the pain of staying the same is greater than greater than the pain of changing. Its very true.

    Let me tell you it would be far easier for me to just say screw it all and not ever work on staying well (emotionally) but I know that real pain lies in that decision. Not just to me but to people I really love including you guys. It is very hard sometimes for me to deal with all the doctor appts and medication adjustments but I do it because I want to stay as well as I can be. Im not fixed or cured by any means but I do my level best every month to keep trucking on and one day if your daughter is smart and figures out that she wants a somewhat even life, she will do what I have done. It took me a long time to get here though. Honestly though I think it would have taken me far less time if I had known what was wrong.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    My most caring thoughts and hugs are headed your way. Although you and husband know that you have literally sacraficed alot in every effort to help her...likely it is going to be difficult to stay detached. Do maintain your therapy and keep repeating The Serenity Prayer, my friend. Prayers are in transit to Georgia in hopes they help too. DDD
  7. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Kathy, I just read the post about difficult child losing her job. Now, she leaves the sober living environment. It just rings a bell with me regarding my own daughter's behavior. Both of them, intentionally destroying their lives with what certainly looks like malice aforethought.

    Before we caved and tried to find difficult child a hotel room? Researching and actually talking to homeless shelter staff about conditions in the shelters helped us to be strong enough to say "no" for a little while. I think it might be a good idea for you to prepare yourself in those ways, Kathy. Our difficult child had a thousand reasons why the shelters are dangerous (and I'm sure they probably are). About why the Mission where there is free dinner every day was too far away to walk when her feet were so abraded or the food wasn't good or whatever. Talking with staff at these places helped us be stronger.

    Here is an interesting thing: Our difficult child is homeless and on the streets again BY CHOICE. She could come home. She could be living with an old druggie friend who has a subsidized apartment and is willing to take difficult child in. difficult child's justification is that she is in love with her "boyfriend." A man so violent even the ex-druggie refuses to take him in AND SO difficult child STAYS ON THE STREETS WITH HIM. He likes to beat difficult child half to death. That is why the ex-druggie threw him out.

    Know the latest? difficult child is so upset that we don't want "boyfriend" here for the 4th of July. It's unbelievable stuff, right?

    So strange. It's like they want to hurt us. Almost like they are laughing at us in secret, as we run circles around them, trying to keep them safe, trying to make it possible for them to recover, to do the right thing.

    I think what I am trying to tell you is that maybe difficult children don't feel the same terror and shame about living on the streets as we would, if it were us?

    That is why we always try to help them, of course. We put ourselves in their places. But...maybe that life of living homeless/wreckless on someone else's dime feels okay to some difficult children.

    Here is another interesting similarity between our daughters: Yours is determined to come home. Ours is determined, absolutely determined, NOT to come home ~ and not to live in any home...and to be sure we know about the baddies and the bad things that are happening to her.

    In our daughter's minds...are they punishing us?

    It just seems so strange that my difficult child invariably does the worst possible thing in our eyes. AND SHE ALWAYS HAS. And that yours is and has been so absolutely determined to live at YOUR home, again. Even after what has happened every time you have allowed that.

    These past months, when your and husband's lives have been pretty much focused on your difficult child's needs and recovery...it's like she snagged you in and got you to run the full course before she pretty much took a powder and left you holding the empty bag of all you'd hoped for, for her.

    Empty of a lot of money, too.

    Ours has taken a good portion of our money, too....

    And for both our daughters, the aim almost seems to be to do the worst possible thing right where we can see it.

    These things cannot all be accidents...can they?

  8. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Kathy-I wish you peace in the days & weeks ahead. Never doubt that you are a wonderful mother. When my difficult child makes bad choices that clearly don't work in his favor or future & he fails to look ahead -- it's often as though I go into overtime on his behalf. I double panic- he won't panic so I do so on his behalf. Crazy. What I've learned -if anything- is to let things be, for now.,I don't know if it's a healthy coping skill, but I just try to remind myself that in this moment - he is ok (as in alive) & that is enough for now, because there really is nothing more I can do.

    Kathy & Barbara & everyone else too-you've done so very much for your daughters. If it were in your realm to find a solution, your difficult child's would be pcs. You all are wonderful mothers.
  9. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kathy, I am so sorry.
  10. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Kathy... :hugs: I wish I had a magic wand, because there are so many of our kids who I'd bop on the head with it. Not knowing hurts... Even knowing hurts.
  11. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Barbara, it is interesting that you said that. difficult child has been texting husband today (I have her blocked) saying things like she tried to kill herself last night and that was sorry that she was such a bad daughter, etc. husband just told her that if that was true that she needed to go to the hospital and that we would only talk to her during a scheduled family therapy call which she needs to contact the therapist to set up.

    He said that he got the feeling as he was reading the texts that she was sitting there laughing with the girl that she left with about playing husband and me. That may not be true but it has happened in the past.

    I have a therapist appointment scheduled for tomorrow. Good timing, huh?

  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Kathy - definitely good timing on the therapist visit!! Our kids are so similar.... its amazing really they they are on similar paths. I do feel for you right now as I know that feeling of disappointment, frustration and fear of what will happen next. My guess (based on my gig) is that the next step will be for her to be arrested for something and my current advice is when that happens let the court system do its job!!

    For me I found the hardest times were when he was on the streets and we had no idea where he was....at that time i didnt find no contact comforting..... it just left me in a state of constant worry. I was definitely ok with times of no contact when I knew he was at least somewhat safe, even if not sober. So as far as contact with her.... do what feels best to you.

    You absolutely have done all you can.... and it is now up to her. I would not be surprised if it is not long before she decides living on the streets is not what she wants and she wants help coming in from those hard nights with no place to go.

    Hang in there and take care of you.

  13. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Kathy, I agree, you REALLY have done all that you could possibly do....I am so sorry she just isn't getting it.... :( You are right - it is all up to her now.
  14. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member

    Kathy, sending lots of hugs your way. I know all you have gone through in the hopes that this time, she would accept the help she needs and stay on track. Ughhh. Why oh why do difficult child's self-sabotage? Arghhhh. I know you need to detach, for your's and husband's sake, as well as for difficult child's, but I also know how hard it is.

  15. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I got an email from our family therapist late last night. She said that difficult child had texted her and then they spoke last night. She said that difficult child was tearful, depressed, and saying that she wanted to die. For some reason, she is in Orlando.

    difficult child said that she didn't have a plan and would not hurt herself and planned to go back to the area where the treatment center is this morning. The therapist also said that difficult child said she was not taking her medications and was willing to go to the hospital for a few days. The therapist told her to go to any hospital if she needed immediate care before she got back to south Florida.

    I haven't heard anything this morning. I'll update when I know something.

  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    There has to be some confort in knowing that she has reached out to the therapist. Obviously there is no way to really know if she's playing you all or whether she is sincere. Either way she has not disappeared off the face of the earth so hopefully you all can enjoy the holiday. Hugs DDD
  17. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Kathy, I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and to your daughter.

    It was interesting that, last Fall, when we still believed our daughter was fine but were questioning some of the things that happened or that she told us to explain missing money and so on...difficult child would behave so differently with her father than she did, with me. For instance, husband had given her money to fix something on her car. Somehow, the money was lost and in addition, a number of bills had not been paid. Between ourselves, husband and I questioned what might really be going on. There were so many "off" signals. Taken alone, those signals were acceptable things that could happen to anyone. Add them up though, and it looked like there might be trouble. At that time, we just chose to believe in difficult child. But during one episode, husband came back and said that difficult child had been crying, had been telling husband how ashamed she was for all the bad things she had done, etc.

    And so, not only did husband pay for the car repair he had already given difficult child money for once, but he left her a signed, blank check. (We were soon to go South for the winter. The check was for an emergency, should one come up where she needed money immediately.)

    You all know how everything resolved.

    Even I would never, in a million years, have given difficult child a blank check.

    The check went missing some months into the badness. difficult child gave us an explanation, and told us to cancel the check. We did.

  18. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I guess we got played again. She called us on Thursday (July 4th) asking for gas to get back to south Florida so she could check herself into a p-hospital to get back on medications and stabilize. I told her that the bank was closed so I couldn't do that and that I wanted to talk to our therapist. The next day, I couldn't reach the family therapist so I texted the Interventionist that we used and she said to put $40 in the bank and tell her that was it if she didn't go to the hospital. I called her Friday morning and told her we were putting money in her account and she needed to go straight to the hospital. Remember, she supposedly depressed and wanted to kill herself.

    She called me around 9:30 last night (Friday) saying it was raining hard so she decided to wait until the morning. She was going to get up at the "crack of dawn" and her friend from rehab and sponsor were going to meet her and take her to the ER. Well, it is 4:27pm and we haven't heard from her and I can tell from our Netflix account that she has been watching episodes of Breaking Bad. I guess she isn't in too big of a hurry to get to the hospital.

    When will I learn?

  19. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Kathy, you did the right thing.

    We have to make that choice to trust them until we have proof that they are untrustworthy.

    difficult child made a wrong choice.

    You have no control over that.

    If you look at it one way Kathy, what you bought with that money was the opportunity to sample the flavors of difficult child's latest techniques. Next time, you will know.

    The other side of it is that difficult child may have had every intention of doing what she said she was going to do. Have you contacted either of the people who were supposed to help difficult child once she got to FL?

  20. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No, I don't know them and have no way to contact them. Nor, do I think at this point, I want to.