Well, it turns out difficult child does not have a job at Target ... or anywhere else

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dashcat, Oct 12, 2012.

  1. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    She failed the drug test.

    She went in Monday and signed a pre-employment agreement and went for a drug test. Target told her they would call her in 24-48 hours to schedule her training.

    I had told her three weeks ago that she needed to have a job by Monday, 10/13, or find another place to live. Since then, however, we both met with her therapist and the therapist recommended that she she a psychiatrist. Since, apparently, it is easier to get an audience with the Pope than it is to have a psychiatrist office return a phone call requesting an appointment, we have yet to even schedule one.

    She visited her todc yesterday and, afterward, the therapist called me. She felt (and I agree) that this is nota good time to uproot difficult child. The primary goal is to get her evaluated and on medications. I know the therapist knows things that I do not know about difficult child right now and I am taking her advice to heart.

    I talked with difficult child later (not revealing that I'd talked to therapist). I explained that having bipolar was an obstacle - to be certain - but it wasn't a "get out of jail free" card. She said therapist said pretty much the same thing. I told her that I felt there'd been sort of a "perfect storm" of circumstances ... the deadline, the job offer at target, the failed drug test, therapist's recommendations and her slow dawning realization that she is most likely dealing with bipolar. I'm one to stick to my guns (and she knows this), but I won't do it at any cost either.

    She said she didn't want to leave (duh!) and I told her I would give her a month BUT made it clear that there would be no more failing drug tests. I asked when she was positive she'd test clean (of course sh was positive she would on Monday .... magical thinking at work) and she said it had been about four weeks...that she'd been doing great but slipped up JUST ONCE blah, blah. I kept a poker face and said "Part of the deal of your staying past Monday is that you will test clean. I will take you (there's a place in town where I can do this) sometime soon and without notice. You will also continue to look for a job."

    I realize I cannot control whether or not she gets a job. I cannot control whether or not she smokes pot. I cannot control her frightening sexual acting out. I cannot control whether she tells the truth. I cannot control whether or not she is medication-compliant when she does see a psychiatrist.

    I know that I could not live with turning her out (most likely to Mr. Ostrich's, but he still claims he'd say no) before giving her a chance to see a psychiatrist. I will, indeed, stick to my word about the drug test, though ...and testing postive would be a dealbreaker in this.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You sound very clear and yet compassionate and understanding along with your boundaries, good job. I'm sorry she failed the test, but perhaps this gives her more recognition of the issues she faces and what your expectations are.
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Until you get to the psychiatrist appointment and start getting medications etc. being effective, she may not totally be able to control that last bit of weed use either. It's such a touchy situation.
  4. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Dash, I am always amazed at your grace under pressure. As crazy as things get, you are a rock. I'm in awe.
  5. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Wish I could changes this tread title ... cuz, guess what?

    Target called yesterday afternoon. She has orientation on Tuesday.

    I was sure (and so was she), when she didn't hear back by at least Thurs (They'd said 24-48 hours from Monday), that it was a sign she'd failed the drug test. Clearly, she was cutting it close.

    Anyway, she's thrilled and I'm relieved. ... And, I've learned a bit of a lesson about jumping the gun. The good thing tha came out of it was her being able to be at least somewhat frank about having slipped up about smoking pot. She got a good scare, too ...it's probably too much to hope that the "scare" was enough,but you never know.

    Another good thing is that we did have the talk about extending her deadline for moving until she got on medications. I'm always the bad guy and she did get to see - in a way she could understand - that her welfare comes first.

  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad I missed the first post so I came in at the good part. Thank goodness the drug test came back clean and the job is a go. I do believe she is dealing with bipolar and hopefully she can get this under control. The job should help her self esteem tremendously. Keeping fingers crossed that she does well.

  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Well....YAY!!! difficult child once failed a drug test but they allowed her to take it again, within three days...by that time the weed was out of her and she passed.
  8. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Wow...relief all around! If she works half as hard at Target as she does at your house, she'll be employee of the month every month! Wishes for continued progress and success, one step at a time.
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Very good news all around. I'm hoping this is a turning point on all levels.
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Wonderful news. I'm happy for you both! I sure hope an appointment can be found sooner than later and she can continue to feel and do better. Big sigh of hope and relief!
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I am glad it worked out. That is great news!!
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am glad too. I was also going to ask what drug failed her because sometimes there are false positives. I know we jump to believing it would be pot but sometimes it would fail on some odd thing that you would really question.
  13. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Thank goodness, breathing the collective sigh of relief! Go difficult child!
  14. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I've noticed, Dash... that one of the side-effects of being the parent of a difficult child is... we tend to be "jumpy".
    I got caught on one this week, too... didn't act on it, figured out a better explanation, but... it seems to go with the territory.
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm glad she got the job and did pass the drug test.

    I know you feel bad about "jumping the gun" but well, c'mon, these things happen due to past behaviors. difficult child needs to know and understand that. And it did help her come clean about slipping up. Hopefully it will be her last slip up.

    What I really like is that difficult child seems to really want this. She's trying. Oh maybe not with everything she's got just yet......but that will come as she begins to meet her goals......right now she's probably as iffy she can do it as you are. (I know Nichole was that way at first)

    I agree totally that if you have the opportunity to get her on medications, then go for it. That is one big darn hurdle to get them to climb and if you can do it then by darn it's worth the shot.

    Saying a prayer and keeping fingers crossed she loves the job and does well at it. :)

  16. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I so appreciate the support you've shown me ...especially about my having jumped to the (seemingly logical, but still..) conculsion that she'd failed the test. After the initial thrill of her having gotten the job, I started to beat myself up a bi about opening my big mouth about the test...assuming she'd failed ..etc. It's nice to come here and read that I'm not the only one, and to understand that so many past negative episodes do cause one to be a bit jumpy at times.

    The funny thing is, she really doesn't seem upset about my jumpiness. I guess that's the upside to a short attentnion span! She's just plain relieved.

    I took her out yesterday and bought her some work clothes. She needed khakis and a red shirt. She also needed shoes. She had this horrid, beat up pair of black hightops that she wore working for pizza hut. They couldn't have been comfortable and I know she'll be on her feet for long periods of time ...something she is not used to. Other than that,a llshe has are flip flops, a pair of cheap flats and a few pairs of heels. I bought her a good pair of new balance shoes an a packet of socks. Honestly, the girl acted like it was Christmas and she was eight years old. I felt good and it made me more than a little teary (carefuly concealed, of course) thinking back to the days when a mother daughter shopping trip was something we shared on a semi regular basis. I know she'll show up for work in clean, nice clothes and that her feet won't hurt.

    It's funny how those little things mean so much now.

  17. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am another who understands your 'jumping the gun.' After so much time being disappointed in the outcome, after awhile, it seems better to assume the worst. Perhaps it's a defense against all the disappointments we all go through.

    Your comments about shopping with her and knowing she'll show up in the new, clean clothes you provided and how much that means brought a tear to my eye. I so get that and feel the same way. My daughter's b-day is soon and when I was shopping online for something else the other day, I saw an adorable pair of Hello Kitty slippers for adults which I bought for my difficult child. She is still a big fan of Hello Kitty and has been since she was a little girl. It made me so happy. The last few years for all birthdays and Christmas, she was so broke and there was just so much she needed just to survive, I just gave her money, paid a bill, bought her something absolutely necessary, never just a lovely thoughtful gift, like the "good old days." Her huge cavernous financial NEED was so great, it was all I could do to fill it up to keep her safe. It made me sad that that is another thing I miss, the pleasure of getting something for her knowing the delight she will feel when she receives it. Well, perhaps this year is going to be different, previous to our disconnect, I paid for everything that was due or overdue in her life so she got to 'level ground.' Since I haven't heard from her and I am not aware of her survival issues, I will get her gifts now, not pay her bills.

    I'm happy your difficult child has a real job, this seems like a really good sign. (((HUGS)))
  18. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    So happy to hear about the new job...and sounds like you two had fun shopping together as well.

    Also glad to hear that your difficult child is beginning to accept that she may very well be struggling with Bipolar Disorder.
    Just a thought...but you might want to print out a google of "celebrities with bipolor disorder" "famous people with bipolar disorder". Not to glamorize it too much but she may be even more accepting of it if she realises that some pretty talented/famous people have the diagnosis too...and life goes on for them.

  19. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I am so so so so so GLAD it all worked out.

    My difficult child is home for a bit and it's been freezing here. He works landscaping and he didn't bring any warm clothes home with him and since he usually only works in the summer, I don't think he has any cool weather work clothes.. I noticed he was wearing his usual old gym shorts and his now ragged "XX Landscape Co" tee with his casual, fleece lined flannel shirt over it. (he loves that flannel shirt - it's more fashion than function). I asked him if he would like me to pick up some warmer work clothes and he smiled and said yes PLEASE.

    I really dedicated myself to finding him some warm things that would wear well and tried to make sure they are things he would LIKE and even though it was costly and a PITA, it made me feel so good to do something MOTHERLY for him. I don't know how else to explain it. I got such joy out of two pairs of clearance work jeans and a couple of cheap long sleeved tees, warm socks and a work hoodie.

    His boss must have been thinking the same thing because he came home that day with brand new "XX landscape co" sweatshirt and 2 new long sleeved shirts.

    They want to be done being our kids long before we want to stop being their parents. Just that bit of normalcy - buying him some clothes like I did every year before it all went to Hades - meant so much to me. So, I know what you mean. {{{hugs}}}