Well, just a little update on my strength!!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Confused, Mar 15, 2015.

  1. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Its a struggle and more issues have come up, of course my guilty conscious about family starts to play tunes in my head, but, Im holding my own with my kids help! And my dad! They want to help gpa out but realize we all have too much going on, so daughter gives me a look and son, hes so smart beyond his years sometimes. Like tonight, he said" mom, because of this emergency tonight, where you going to sleep" His eyes just melted me! We went back home of course! He says he likes helping gpa and giving food and eating meals with him at times, same with nights, at times. But he wanted to be home and me with him :)

    Aunt is actually on my side, neighbors are still the same old neighbors, but like I told aunt when Im on my feet, I know its best to go. She knows my plan. She didnt say anything, except to continue to look for a job and she knows I cant handle it all!

    Been thinking a lot, what I should and shouldnt do, what I can do, want to do, and yes, ... design plans for decorating our house!

    Son has had his days but the last couple of days have been overall ok :) He has been very busy and this is helping him, the best part of it, he FINALLY realizes staying busy and stopping a current activity like tv or not wanting to get ready pays off in the long run for him when he does get ready! Still a struggle at times to get him going but... even once or twice is a step forward. Hope it sticks with him!!!

    Well, off to have some cold milk .. ouch for my cavity tho! Night everyone and thank you all for smacking me upside my head ( not really smacking me- just a figure of speech meaning you all drilled it in my head) to knock some more sense and courage in me! One step at a time I guess. Well, walking is nice but a jog would be better! ( I dont run hahaha)
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  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    It is always so hard to know the right thing, and then, to know how much is enough ~ but I am so happy that you have found that place of healthy balance. I love that you are teaching your son and daughter how important they are to you, and that each of you is seeing and celebrating time together as a primary value. Believe it or not, before you know it the kids will be grown. I think the look in your son's eyes when he wondered where you would be sleeping tonight will be one of those things you will remember about him long after he is a grown man.


    That will be a beautiful memory!

    It would be too easy to be sucked back in, and it is a really hard thing to stick with a decision to change our lives, but you are doing it!


    That is a great motto.

    One day, you look behind and realize your life and options are very different than they were just a few short months ago.


    Here are some things for you that have been strengthening for me. I am so proud and happy for you!


    No one is listening.
    Now you may sing the self song.

    As the bird does.

    Not for territory
    or dominance

    But for self enlargement.

    Let something
    come from nothing.

    Stan Rice
    Texas Suite


    "In order to experience yourself more powerfully, you must will to do so. If you want to radiate from your own source and stop depending on other people, you must work very hard at learning to trust your own mind. When you succeed, you will have preferences, instead of needs and dependencies. You will operate from your heightened intuition and honed awareness, and your behavior will be calm, appropriate, and exacting. You will use your will with consciousness and take responsibility for all of your decisions. When problems create minor upsets, you will live through them with dignity, fluidity, and exactitude and then, you will move on."

    After our lives fell apart, I carried this phrase around with me for the longest time. I still love it, still refer to it sometimes. It centers me, somehow, and teaches me the manner in which I wish to go forward.

    But do you know, I did not reference the writer at the time, and now I have no idea at all where I got it.


    "We live happily indeed, among men who hate us, free of hatred; among men who are greedy, free of greed. Though we have nothing to call our own, we shall be like the bright gods, feeding on happiness."

    Another one I did not reference appropriately when I wrote it down. I did not know I would be sharing any of this with others.

    Thank you for the update.

    I have been wondering how you are. This site is like a family in that way, isn't it.


  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am truly happy that you are choosing yourself and your kids as a priority. KUDDOS
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think you're doing great. It's changing your entire family and others are pitching in! That's good. Know that if you bow out, others will step up. That is what usually happens. As long as you do everything, they won't.

    I think, at least in my life, if I feel like doing something, without it being a stress or causes resentment, I do it. If it is causing me stress or I know somebody else can do it (somebody without kids) and if I feel resentful or tired just at the idea, I don't. It took a while to choose "me first." It is not easy to do when you are codependent and I was. Plus I love to help others. It is one of my true joys, but I like to help them when I'm in the right mood for it, refreshed, not tired and not a grump. What good am I going to be at helping anyone if I'm a grump and resentful and overwhelmed? Plus I prefer helping those who appreciate it and treat me well. Call it selfish...I do like to be acknowledged, even just with "thanks", when I obviously put myself out to help them. It feels good!! But I won't give anyone my entire life anymore. Those days are over.

    You're doing great and choosing you and your kids and, as a mom, do you really have a choice? To me, the balance is when you feel good and not bone weary and depressed.
  5. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Scent Of Cedar- Thank you for sharing and yes this board has been helpful and supportive

    pasajes4- They were always a priority, but I wasnt. Im learning in order to care better my kids, to make myself a priority. Its not easy and I feel I shouldnt have me time etc, but I have to keep my health up for them :)

    MidwestMom- exactly! I like and want to help others but theres so much of me to go around! Im glad you put your foot down too. Yup, I been grumpy too! My grandpa was really nice lastnight, telling me thank you im ok now, take care of everyone at my house it was really nice to hear no sarcasm from that! He wasnt mad I didnt stay,just said he didnt feel good gave me a hug and said nicely to go :) I did.

    Thank you both, I still have something on the back of my mind that really is opening my eyes to where I live. Im going top be glad when things change with this too. Yes everyone is still great with my kids, but Im just tired of what they feel towards me, Im just done. Ya neighbors took over gpa with attitude that I dont care. Its not that I dont care, its that I have my hands full already, have been sick from various things since January, and they dont care to get it or even to try. Not all of us are super heroes like them!
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    What neighbors? Certainly not ALL of them. Most people are interested in themselves and not even paying much attention to what is going on across the street. A few blabber mouths and know-it-alls keep a sharp eye out on everyone else's business and judge. They are usually very bored people. I have found that they are usually retired with not much to do (which, by the way, they can change...retired people make their own quality of life).

    Don't exaggerate, even to yourself, how many neighbors even care. And I've learned it is best not to cave in to peer pressure. As you can see, you are far more respected if you stand up for yourself. I don't know who these neighbors are, but the best advice I can give you from what I've learned is to put them on "ignore." If they want to help, good!!! It gives them something to do! And they are choosing to do it and it probably makes them feel good! If they are judging you, just try to tell yourself that it doesn't matter, in any meaningful way for any reason, what they think of you or WANT to think of you.

    When you feel guilty, challenged your guilt. Talk to it!

    You to Guilt: Ok, so you're bothering me again. What have a I done wrong? Is it wrong for me to need to be healthy and strong for my children and for me? Why is that wrong? Almost everyone does that. Why are you bugging me again? The feelings you evoke don't make any sense. And you are wrong. I should NOT have to take care of so many people and so often that I fall apart and have no life of my own. So why are you even here? Go away!

    Guilt is a powerful emotion, but it doesn't usually have much tangible meaning. Don't let Guilt knock on your door without challenging it and staying strong.

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  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Someone on this board said once something along the lines of: if nothing changes, nothing changes.

    Sometimes WE have to be the first change. Way to go.
  8. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Good thinking.


  9. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    There is always someone in every neighborhood who knows everything about everyone.

    I like MWM's point that people will think of us what they want or need to think of us.

    I heard someone say: "What others think of me is none of my business."

    I live by that.

  10. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Im not exaggerating... Im talking 4 houses across the street and two on the same side as us. Im not including the empty house or the few neighbors who I have no idea who they are. The others they talk to ( not us- dont know them) but I don't know what or if they say anything. On the block 1 neighbor likes us ( theres one on this block two on another) One of the ones telling me to my face how it is, is the ones who took over and arent retired! Most everybody on the block works, few retired. I do know two neighbors do care, one is nice. So thats a bonus!

    I know its just I feel like a child with them all over again, their kids can do as they please and I cant... I get damned and their kids are Gods! Its just so childish and stressful. I am not the person to say anything but I don't know how much longer I can hold it in. Just had 20 min argument with grandpa this morning.. so much for the sweet words last night. He says hes doing everything for me and Im still not happy, no one is talking bad about me and all the people he suggested was my aunt and and his caretaker but I dont think shes talking boad about me either, shes starting to see how my kids are, dad is ill etc... my health! I defended my aunt( and her) because she has been actually backing me and defending me to the neighbors! Sure I dont know whats really said between them, Im just hoping my aunt is being honest and maybe we can build our relationship back up if we both find the truth as she says in each other.

    Gpa says I dont/didnt stay the full 3 hrs either.. well at one time I did beyond was over 18hrs ( with kids in tow) then, when it was nights only, I did all cleaning at night, made breakfast and left. Lunch and dinner slowly cut cut out too. Now no nights...no nothing. I had to check on him this morning and the girl didnt come only 3 days a week I found out- he refused to eat and told me come in an hr or so I said" well, dont think I can because son is home sick - hes asleep now. So, he needs to hire someone period. Im sick to and took a lot for me to be there. Sorry, call a neighbor today.. I know how mean of me. He has the money!!!!! I told him I cant handle 4 ill people by myself- he said my kids arent ill they just dont care! OOOO mommy mode came on and I told him how it was!!! I told him my kids have mental issues , my mom did, their dad is undiagnosed but is a sociopath or bipolar or something... my kids are not like these oh so wonderful neighbors with oh so perfect children!!! That just because 100 yrs ago and in his day they put straight jackets on people etc and didnt have names, research, all wasnt talked about more openly doesnt mean those poor people didnt have an issue and they just wanted to be mean!

    My neighbors want to take him over, fine!!! Only if they knew how racist he really is, only if they knew the comments he really makes, one day , one day they will walk in and hear him say it. Of course they will blame it on his age and he was not knowing who to trust etc! Well, to bad some of my so called family wont come out of the wood works and tell the neighbors how it is!

    Ok, gonna sound stupid now. But, ya know, this was my childhood home, my block! I was here first and I shouldnt have to move, why let them "win this game" let them have my house, they want this one too I think...they will be all happy they got what they want and that makes me sad and upset.

    But then, Im thinking... jokes on them. Why? Because Im not going to be everybodies hate girl to have to whatever.. yes they been amazing caring for gpa, amazing with my kids, but ya know what? I know deep down Im a good person and how I dont want to be! Never have been or will be! They make take my home, but they arent taken me or my kiddos with it! My mind works different then theirs, I play fair, and ya know,Im not going to go down to their level. They will never understand or care to know how my life has really been, that my kids do have issues. Thats their problem, not mine!!!! I was one of those who thought " I found good in everyone, they should find good in me, i never hated, always respected" It was hard to accept that not everyone was going to like me no matter how nice I was! But I did, but still, people dont have to be so "rude" about it!! This just shows the person I will never become! So , Im more unique haha.

    Im so proud of me just now oh my gosh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thanks everyone and you all are right, again!!!!!!!

    My health is just really bad, the more I tell others that, I hear myself say it and have to admit it and the more I know my appointment next month is a blessing and well needed. I know something is off, I am never sick for this long with various issues! But Ill bounce back from whatever if anything( maybe stress main- well ya)

    Well, Ill check in tonight when kids are asleep, son just woke up again, poor thing.
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  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Confused, life isn't fair. It took me a long time to accept it. This may have been your childhood home, but if it is best for your health (mentally too) to move, you should do that for yourself. Also, it will be a clean start for you. I have no idea why you even chatter with these neighbors. I wouldn't even wave "hi" to them. I'd ignore them.

    You need to live in a big city for a month, just a month. Often you can live in an apartment and never know the name of your next door neighbor...lol. Get a Chicago attitude :p :) Don't let these busybodies bother you. Don't bother to defend yourself to ANYBODY. Remember this : Less is more. Give them puzzled looks and keep walking. Don't argue with GPA either. He's just another Difficult Child. You can't win against illogic. Best to keep quiet. It gives them no incentive to keep on bothering you with their lame opinions.

    Accept that you can't "win" against kooky people and don't try to. It's not really a win. It's a loss because YOU end up being miserable when you care. THEY don't.
  12. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    I know and your right. I think the best thing would to move, oh wow, summer time would be great for a little travel( besides moving) , son will be out of school! Hmmm, just need the money!! Your right, I mean no matter what I say they dont listen! Or care! I know I just am fed up ya know? I know, thats why the move! OO your getting me excited about about seeing other places!!!
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Aw, Confused, you deserve to have a place of YOUR own and YOUR space with people/neighbors who have no preconceived notions about you. You worked hard all your life. Now it's time to make your own way in this world. I would not enjoy living with constant judgment. Nobody likes that.

    I learned just to keep my mouth shut around abusive people. Not only do they not listen...they tend to use, out of context, things that we say as fodder for future abuse.

    Tell yourself, "Less is more, less is more, less is more" lolol.

    I'm very happy you are taking control of your life. If I was your mother, I'd be proud. I'm proud even though I'm NOT your mother ;)
  14. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Is it possible for you to admire the child you were for her courage and stamina?

    They say we need to reparent our inner child before we can reclaim our lives through intention.

    You made it through. You display kindness and courage, now. You must have been as kind and as courageous as a child.

    Most often, it is my own opinion I hear when I wonder what others might be thinking about me. We are all so hard on ourselves ~ so much worse than anyone else could be.

  15. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Midwest, thank you. Now Im crying you said that. I miss my mom :( Even though she had her issues, she was a wonderful mom and I know I never had to even question that she loved me and my sis, as well as my kids( she didnt get a chance to meet my son but I know shed love him just as much as she loves my daughter). If my mom was alive shed probably just have told me party has hard daily and decorate my house crazy ( safely though she didnt believe in drinking, drugs, or boyfriends) and annoy the neighbors!! She was funny tho.

    Scent of Cedar, thank you to. I liked who I was a child, I was happy, respectful, wanted everyone to have peace, get a long, saw the good in people even if they have done something wrong( depending of course), motivated, never judged, etc. I had goals. Then, Somewhere between I started to learn how some people really were, had some issues, and just got blamed for everything it seems, I was never good enough in anything, when I had a problem it was never as bad as others issues and this was according to family, exs, ex friends, and others. I have always been the ugly duckling too. So, of course I got pushed around on this. I was everyone's punching bag verbally /emotionally no matter if I did something wrong or they just blamed me. I never wanted to upset anyone and wouldnt speak up, when I did, I was an awful complainer etc. But now I know there is some evil if you will in the world, I know I cant be as care free as I was when I was little, but yes, Id like to get my confidence back( yes I actually used to have some along with academically I was a/b honer roll most time.. not math!!) I used to have courage back then!

    :group-hug: Thank you !!!!!!!!! You all have been great
  16. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    This is huge. I am glad you see that, now.

    There are some very strange ducks running amok in the world.

    Most of us are very nice, though. We all are doing the best we know. I do believe that. It seems to be human nature to dehumanize one another, to trick ourselves into believing we or someone else somehow "deserve" our situations, whether those situations are good or bad. We all have so much tragedy in our lives, and such an intensity of joy.

    It is a very big step, to understand that the things that happen are not our fault or our doing. People are just very strange beings, sometimes, and they think the strangest things.

    We have to let them be, and go our own way as best we know.

    I wish you had been listened to and heard and cherished, as you were meant to be. I am glad you can see these things clearly, now. It is so hurtful, not to be heard. We begin not to take ourselves seriously.

    And that is the way victimhood begins.

    I am sorry you were treated that way.

    I wonder whether that is really true. We can be made to feel terribly ugly, when we are being abused. When we have been groomed for abuse, and when we have been named as someone who can be safely abused, it changes the way we see ourselves.

    I am glad you are beginning to see differently.

    You will change things for yourself, and for your children.

    I am usually afraid to do whatever it is I am doing. If I can picture myself confronting the fear, the courage to do it seems to have been there all along. Once it's done, the thing, whatever it was, means so much less than it did when it was something I was afraid of.

    Life is funny like that.

    That is why positive thinking, visualization, listening to great music ~ that is why all these things can change us.

    I suppose that is what is meant by free will.

    It seems to be so hard to think about what will happen if we make a mistake. That is the place fear comes from, I think. From there, and from that question, "Who do you think you are to try...?"

    We all do have courage though. We just need to do our best, one small step at a time.

    I am so very happy to hear you are doing well! There is all the time in the world, remember that. Very small steps, kindness to ourselves in the smallest things, a place in our hearts where we can be truly alone to gather our forces and hear our own voices is important for all of us.


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  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree: "I am so very happy to hear you are doing well! There is all the time in the world, remember that. Very small steps, kindness to ourselves in the smallest things, a place in our hearts where we can be truly alone to gather our forces and hear our own voices is important for all of us."
  18. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Thanks for updating. I'm very happy things are looking up for you!
  19. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Thank you Scent of Cedar, TerryJ2 and Californiablonde!!!