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Well she is home, now what?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 631626" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Welcome, Where Did I.</p><p></p><p>Nothing about what is happening between our children and ourselves is easy or joyfully accomplished. For me, things got a little easier once I began to see my interactions with difficult child through a different set of filters. This is the kind of thinking that helped me. I hope you are able to find comfort there, too.</p><p></p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>It's the situation, not me, and not even difficult child, that is bad.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I had always seen what was happening to all of us through a filter not just of responsibility, but of self condemnation over the horrible things that were happening to my children.</p><p></p><p>This way of thinking did not help or change my situation but boy, did it make justifying beating myself up over it possible.</p><p></p><p>Until finally, I actually forgot I needed a reason to accuse myself of failure. I began to expect, down in the heart of me where I could not see it, that I would fail, that there was some intrinsic something wrong with me because I had failed to raise my once perfect children into perfect adulthood.</p><p></p><p>So I became chronically depressed and just sort of lived my life that way for years and years.</p><p></p><p>Don't do that.</p><p></p><p>Focus on joy in the moment you are in. As long as you are enjoying wedding preparation, have that time with your daughter. Once it starts to suck, tell her so and move on.</p><p></p><p>Nothing to do with difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Everything in the world to do with you.</p><p></p><p>That is how to change what is happening between ourselves and our children.</p><p></p><p>We see everything from our own perspective.</p><p></p><p>We take responsibility for the nature of our thought patterns. We determine to be kinder to ourselves.</p><p></p><p>We begin to choose these new ways of thinking and seeing, and soon enough, we require people to respond to us with respect.</p><p></p><p>It happens naturally as we stop blaming and accusing and learn (and learn to choose to) cherish ourselves, instead.</p><p></p><p>You will read much about detachment, here.</p><p></p><p>That ability to cherish ourselves as we make our ways through some of the most horrific things that can happen to a parent who, no matter what, refuses to disengage or abandon her child is the beginning of detachment, I think.</p><p></p><p>As we begin to practice loving and respecting ourselves, we begin letting our children be who they are without judging either them or ourselves.</p><p></p><p>That is how we go about reclaiming our lives.</p><p></p><p>Witnessing a child's self destruction is a horrific thing.</p><p></p><p>We have to take conscious control of our self talk, especially where our difficult child </p><p>kids are concerned.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 631626, member: 17461"] Welcome, Where Did I. Nothing about what is happening between our children and ourselves is easy or joyfully accomplished. For me, things got a little easier once I began to see my interactions with difficult child through a different set of filters. This is the kind of thinking that helped me. I hope you are able to find comfort there, too. *** It's the situation, not me, and not even difficult child, that is bad. I had always seen what was happening to all of us through a filter not just of responsibility, but of self condemnation over the horrible things that were happening to my children. This way of thinking did not help or change my situation but boy, did it make justifying beating myself up over it possible. Until finally, I actually forgot I needed a reason to accuse myself of failure. I began to expect, down in the heart of me where I could not see it, that I would fail, that there was some intrinsic something wrong with me because I had failed to raise my once perfect children into perfect adulthood. So I became chronically depressed and just sort of lived my life that way for years and years. Don't do that. Focus on joy in the moment you are in. As long as you are enjoying wedding preparation, have that time with your daughter. Once it starts to suck, tell her so and move on. Nothing to do with difficult child. Everything in the world to do with you. That is how to change what is happening between ourselves and our children. We see everything from our own perspective. We take responsibility for the nature of our thought patterns. We determine to be kinder to ourselves. We begin to choose these new ways of thinking and seeing, and soon enough, we require people to respond to us with respect. It happens naturally as we stop blaming and accusing and learn (and learn to choose to) cherish ourselves, instead. You will read much about detachment, here. That ability to cherish ourselves as we make our ways through some of the most horrific things that can happen to a parent who, no matter what, refuses to disengage or abandon her child is the beginning of detachment, I think. As we begin to practice loving and respecting ourselves, we begin letting our children be who they are without judging either them or ourselves. That is how we go about reclaiming our lives. Witnessing a child's self destruction is a horrific thing. We have to take conscious control of our self talk, especially where our difficult child kids are concerned. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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