Well, that didn't last long :(

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, Sep 23, 2014.

  1. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Today would have been his second day. He called in sick. Woke us up in an absolute panic at 5:30...was supposed to be there at 6. Said he hadn't been able to sleep and he was too exhausted to go to work...etc.

    It's a longer story than that, but I'm too tired and upset to type more. I was so proud and happy yesterday. Now I just want to cry.
  2. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Oh Lil

    I'm so sorry.

    That's the nature of life with a difficult child isn't it? It's the rollercoaster that we all know so well.

  3. TearyEyed

    TearyEyed Member

    I am sorry. But I know what you are going through. My difficult child can never hold a job very long. This is a frustrating and confusing journey. Keep taking care of yourself.
    Hugs and prayers,
  4. Hope_Floats

    Hope_Floats Member

    So sorry Lil, we keep getting our hopes up and getting them dashed. Even when it doesn't surprise us, it still disappoints.

    Many hugs.
  5. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Well, he didn't quit...but it's pretty bad to call in the 2nd day. I told him to say he was sick...as opposed to tired. You can't call in tired. (Actually, I told him to suck it up and go in...but after his mind was made up and he was dialing, I said sick.) Then after he does he tells me he was told they want a doctors note. So I told him to go to the doctor and I don't care what he tells them and left him asleep. (Actually, I think he was crying.)

    The whole thing this morning devolved into him having the kind of frustrated fit that I haven't seen in weeks...to the point his dad threatened to kick him out if he didn't calm down. Of course it turned into "nothings been right since I came home" and "this job has been nothing but a pain since before I even got it" and "people keep bugging me about, 'when do you get off', 'what are your days off'." Of course also there was the "I don't know how to do anything and I'm going to screw this up."

  6. Hope_Floats

    Hope_Floats Member

    Sometimes it seems as though they don't trust themselves any more than we trust them. They know their history, and perhaps they know that the best predictor of future performance is past performance. My difficult child once failed to complete the final paperwork needed to enter a very good technical program to learn to repair cars that I was willing to help finance and in which he seemed genuinely interested in. When asked why, he replied that he was afraid he would screw it up and disappoint me.

    I wish I knew how much of that was an excuse not to do something difficult or unpleasant (like put books in boxes), versus a genuine fear of failure that causes such anxiety that they freak out. Only they know, I suppose....and only they can choose to face the fear.
  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I agree. He started in today on how he didn't know what to do...he only knew how to do one job, etc. I told him, he's only been there one day! Of course he didn't know what to do yet. But there's a definite fear of failure there. I don't know why. He seems so afraid of failing, of disappointing us, yet we've told him over and over that all we expect is for him to do his best.

    I'd like to climb inside his head and scramble things up and then straighten them out.
  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Well he called shortly before noon and said he was awake. Good for him. I'm exhausted, getting to bed at 11 and woken at 5:30 when I usually get up more like 7. I doubt he'll get a doctors note. He doesn't sound like he's going to call or go to urgent care. We have a ton of money in cafeteria plan to use or lose in the next three months, so it wouldn't cost us anything out of pocket, but it's his choice. That's what I told him. It's his job and his choice. He's a big boy (though you wouldn't know it with him acting like a 2 year old this morning) and it's up to him. I'm not hiding how disappointed I am in him though. I'm just not.
  9. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Yeah, maybe all the anticipation and nervousness got to him. From your bio in your signature, I don't see anything too alarming. I know many people who dropped/flunked out of college, smoked a lot of weed, blah, blah, blah. Now they are pretty successful and I'm not just saying that. In the company I use to work for (a fortune five hundred company) a lot of my coworkers were going back to college which surprised me. I asked them if they were furthering their degree and some of them were but a lot of them were actually completing their degree from when they dropped out of college. Don't ask me how they got the job they had, but they did which wasn't too unbelievable because I didn't even have a college degree and I got an accounting job at this company too. He is still 19 years old, I am sure he will get it together, again, just going off the stuff in your signature, doesn't seem to be that bad. I know you're ready for him to grow up and get on with it though and I'm sure your very concerned about it. But give him a chance to get use to the working world. I'd be lying if I said I never lost a few jobs because I was anxious all night and couldn't go to work because I was dead by 6:30 in the morning. Could not function. Could not move. Dead tired as a log. Eventually I grew out of it by the time I was 24 I would say.
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  10. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    That's what I keep telling myself. I will say things are better than they were when I joined this forum when he was 17 and 19, getting high all the time and stealing from us. But I'm just so ready to be done with this immaturity and drama.
  11. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Not that there is a difference, but is it like a 20 dollar every couple of months or is it much more?
  12. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Is he still stealing from you all?
  13. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I assume both those posts were asking the same thing.

    No. He's not. I said 17 and 18, it was actually 17 and 18, before he left for "college" last year. "College" is a story of its own.

    There was a time when he was 17 he took a bag of building supplies ($60 worth) and returned $25 worth to the store (receipt was in the bag). Apparently the rest he just tossed. Of course we found out and he left home for a week or so. I think a couple things disappeared after that... I don't remember.

    Then we found out he'd pawned his dad's guitars...he was 18 then. His dad takes a guitar lesson every week...not like he wasn't getting caught! We went and got them back. That was right before he left for college. We considered not letting him go, but in the end we sent him. He came home for a visit last Sept. and we discovered he'd pawned some archery equipment before the guitars. We managed to get one bow back. The place said he hadn't pawned the other one, so I guess it went in the trash. His dad's bow - the one we got back was worth $400. He got $25 at the pawn shop. It was a medieval longbow. No one who isn't into reenactment wants a longbow. There was a compound hunting bow right next to it that would have been worth money at a pawn shop. He wasn't just a thief, he was a STUPID thief. We lost DVD's, CD's, an old Playstation, a 6 CD changer, etc. Lots of little things. My mother's engagement ring is missing and some gold junk jewelry...he swears he didn't take them, but if he didn't, one of his friends did.

    Anyway, the last thing he took was the guitars (even though we found out about other things later that he took before the guitars). We told him then, if he EVER did it again, we WOULD call the police and make a report and if the cops found out he took them he WOULD go to jail. That simple. He appears to believe it...and he better, because we will. I will NOT lock things up in my own home, even if I have to put my only child in jail. That is a line I will NOT allow to be crossed ever again.
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2014
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Lil, I am sorry this happened. He clearly does not want a job and it could be drugs. I know you think he quit, but you don't know. His "I can't do anything right" is part of the difficult child manipulation song, in my opinion. They seem to all say it because they are actually quite smart and they know us well and know that if they act pitiful, we will feel sorry for them and give them a break. It goes along with "this is all ______s fault, not mine", "you were a rotten parent and that's why I do this and the others difficult child manipulation tries, the most serious one being, "I guess I'll kill myself then." Pawning stuff is most often due to them not having a job combined with needing the money for drugs.

    Lil, if he really wanted to work, he would have gotten a good night's sleep, set the alarm to wake him several times or maybe even asked you if you wouldn't mind waking him up so he won't be late. He would have called in on his own and gotten the doctor's excuse. Sometimes we just can't face or don't want to face what our adult child is and that there is rarely a quick change (in some cases there is, but something big has to trigger it).

    If you can, try to detach and not personalized what he did and talk to your hubby and decide if you are ready to do something about his behavior or not. Don't think about it all the time. That won't change him. Fighting with a difficult child is like rolling a heavy rock up a mountain and never being able to achieve your goal. I used to talk and overtalk to my son because the things he did were both sneaky, elusive, and dangerous. I never got anywhere. I got a bunch of lies, crying, accusations toward me, and no results. My own opinion is to minimize confrontations and abstract talk to our difficult children. If we have something to tell them that is concrete such as "Here is a contract. You either sign it and do everything on it in three months or we are not allowing you to live here", well, then we are telling them what we expect and the consequences. Yelling, anger, threats we never carry out and letting them have their slap at us with verbal diarrhea just hurts us and doesn't help them. I finally will never engage in that sort of talk again. Not with anybody. I learned. Yes, it took a long time.

    Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. Try to be good to yourself. You're a good person and a good mother and I hope you can find peaceful moments and happiness.
  15. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Ok, that's a lot. That was a whole hell of a lot to be stealing. That's like basically anything he could get his hands on that was worth something. Totally different then say taking a ten or twenty from moms pocketbook once or twice a year as a teenager. Anyway, you said he stopped, so there's no point to rehash that part of the situation , right? Hmm, yeah, because of the stealing, I would say you were justified in being more concerned instead of just some growing pains or a delayed adult which is what I originally thought before I knew about the stealing. I'll be praying for you and you are very , very kind to be giving him a second chance, or 100th chance after all that. Lets just hope and pray that the stealing was part of the stupid teenage years thing. I agree with you though, NO more chances when it comes to that. I never stole from my parents, not even a dollar.
  16. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    One more thing I like to add, since the stealing has stopped, don't mix that issue with his not being able to sleep issue. I'm not sure if his is legitimate or not, but mine sure was. Due to anxiety, insomnia, and different mental health issues, I did lose a couple of jobs because of not being able to sleep. It was horrible. Around 24 or 25, those issues subsided thank God, enough to be able to fall asleep and make it to work everyday, consistently for years.
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    GuideMe, yes, it is. But taking $20 out of our purses is also a violation of trust. My daughter used to do this, even when I was divorced and every penny mattered. Stealing in my opinion is stealing and you can not live in my house if you steal and I know it. The smart part about $20 here and $20 there is unless Mom is very cautious counting every penny, Mom isn't sure if she's being robbed and it adds up through the years. I didn't know for sure until Daughter quit using drugs then told me she did it all the time when she needed money for drugs. She was crying when she told me.
    "And all that time you wanted to trust me so much," she said.
    When I asked her how much she thought she took, she didn't have a clue, but she said, "Over the years, a lot."

    Never minimize any stealing.

    The majority of teens don't steal. I heard on an NPR show that 80% of all teens never give their parents significant grief and I believe it. The 20% that do make up for it, don't they? But stealing isn't something most teens do. It is usually in conjunction with drug use. They don't work...can't hold a job while high...so they steal to buy drugs. That is probably, I'm guessing, the main reason they steal.
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  18. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Midwest mom, I don't feel I minimized it. Sorry you took it that way. I was just simply stating that teenagers do sometimes do that, in very minimal amounts and I was trying to see how much this kid was stealing to get a better picture so I could further help Lil. I was trying to see if the stealing was a chronic thing or a stupid kid thing. Just trying to gauge the situation better and trying to get to know Lil and her situation as well being as I am new to the boards.
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, I wasn't angry. Sorry if you thought so. Just wanted to add that any stealing is bad. $20 is a lot for us and always was, especially during the divorced years. Any stealing makes us, as parents, feel violated by our children. Obviously it is more significant if the adult child (my child actually was not eighteen yet) steals your diamonds! I just meant...well, it's a red flag no matter how little it is, if it becomes a habit. It means something is wrong with the child...that is all I meant. So sorry if I expressed it differently! (Peace) :)
  20. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry! I guess I should thank my lucky stars that my difficult child seems to have a very good work ethic. Don't be surprised if he doesn't go in tomorrow. If he doesn't what is the plan?