klmno
Active Member
Actually, difficult child brought up family by jokingly saying when he got married he was going to take his wife's last name instead of giving her his. I asked why and he said because this whole family is messed up. I said "well, there are healthy families and unhealthy families. Unhealthy families are called dysfunctional- they have certain patterns and traits that get passed down thru generations so it's not just one or two generations that starts it or gets effected by it".
He said "well in this family it's all of you too, not just me" (him). I said "I know and I'm trying, that's a big part of what caused my issues and part of why I was in therapy when I was young -and I don't want to keep passing it down and have tried hard to break the chain." He said he wanted to break the chain, too, because he sure didn't want his family to be like that. I said "good, we'll keep working on it and maybe at some point in the future after you are home, we'll talk about this a little more." He smiled and shook his head "ok".
End of topic.
At some point in the future when it comes up again, I'll explain that no matter how much we work on ourselves, we can't "fix" the extended family situation.
Another topic of discussion was his latest charge. He says he wants to try to come home ASAP and is going to chill and stay out of trouble, but then also tells me that sometimes he doesn't really care if he stays in there or not and that if he comes home he mmight end up breaking the law again because sometimes it doesn't really bother him to be in there. He said maybe he needed the time in there to get his head on straight. Then he said sometimes he thought about it and compared being in there to living at home and ttried to think about the things he can do at hoome that he can't do in there. He mentioned holding the dogs, watching what he wanted on tv (I told him "within reason"), and a couple of other simple things. I mentioned that he could take a long bath at home, which he used to love, and he said that didn't bother him anymore because sometimes he was able to take a long shower in there. I said maybe if he was just worried about getting into trouble again that he should think about requesting a group home as a transition. He said he's heard guys say that it's better in there than at a group home and he definitely doesn't want that. He said the problem was that he didn't really worry about getting into trouble again, that sometimes he just doesn't care if he's in there.
But then he said he didn't want the dogs to forget about him and asked if I thought they would. (NO.) I asked how much time he would have to stay in there to complete all his time without having to do parole. He said 21 mos on good behavior and he didn't want to go for that because it was too long. We agreed that if it was the 15 month shorter sentence, it would probably be worth it at this point. (That would get him out in June with no parole requirement.) Anyway, he's going to ask about still getting out in Feb but said he was doing it for me but doesn't believe they'll let him out before the end of March or early April now.
The way he's talking lately I really don't know if he'll continue to get charges and having to stay in longer. I guess that is better than getting out and having another arrest. Still, I hope this sort of thinking he's doing is leading to staying out of trouble, but I'm not so sure it is. I'm also keeping it in the back of my mind that this is his "trouble" time of year starting and it will be interesting to see if his moods and way of thinking get worse before they get better. Honestly I hate to say it but it might be for the best if he has to stay in until the end of March.
Oh- I also brought up that he's getting ready to turn 15yo and that a lot of things happen at 15- like maybe taking driver's ed and going on a chapperoned date. He smiled but doesn't really seem too motivated or happy. I can't honestly say it seemed real depressed either though. And this really gets me- he could have requested a 1/2 hour lunch visitation for me to come to "but forgot". I asked if he would consider asking for one on or around his birthday and he said he would. Then he started talking about maybe asking for food from McD's or something for it and seemed more excited about that. His face still looks bad from the fight- it's bruised and he has a busted vessel in one eye. His glasses are broken and he is going to request an eye appointment to get new glasses so the other boys won't realize that he's going to a dr to have the eye looked at. He's upset because he thinks he'll have to pay for this new pair of glasses since they were broken in the fight.
Sorry this is so long- I just find it emotionally draining sometimes and it hurts my feelings that he doesn't seem to care more about living at home than in there or that it's worth not getting arrested again. I have a letter into him asking him to write me his biggest concerns that pertain to us or what he might want us to talk about- I can't remember how I worded it but basicly asking if something is bothering him that he would like for us to talk/write about. He'll get the letter tomorrow.
He said "well in this family it's all of you too, not just me" (him). I said "I know and I'm trying, that's a big part of what caused my issues and part of why I was in therapy when I was young -and I don't want to keep passing it down and have tried hard to break the chain." He said he wanted to break the chain, too, because he sure didn't want his family to be like that. I said "good, we'll keep working on it and maybe at some point in the future after you are home, we'll talk about this a little more." He smiled and shook his head "ok".
End of topic.
At some point in the future when it comes up again, I'll explain that no matter how much we work on ourselves, we can't "fix" the extended family situation.
Another topic of discussion was his latest charge. He says he wants to try to come home ASAP and is going to chill and stay out of trouble, but then also tells me that sometimes he doesn't really care if he stays in there or not and that if he comes home he mmight end up breaking the law again because sometimes it doesn't really bother him to be in there. He said maybe he needed the time in there to get his head on straight. Then he said sometimes he thought about it and compared being in there to living at home and ttried to think about the things he can do at hoome that he can't do in there. He mentioned holding the dogs, watching what he wanted on tv (I told him "within reason"), and a couple of other simple things. I mentioned that he could take a long bath at home, which he used to love, and he said that didn't bother him anymore because sometimes he was able to take a long shower in there. I said maybe if he was just worried about getting into trouble again that he should think about requesting a group home as a transition. He said he's heard guys say that it's better in there than at a group home and he definitely doesn't want that. He said the problem was that he didn't really worry about getting into trouble again, that sometimes he just doesn't care if he's in there.
But then he said he didn't want the dogs to forget about him and asked if I thought they would. (NO.) I asked how much time he would have to stay in there to complete all his time without having to do parole. He said 21 mos on good behavior and he didn't want to go for that because it was too long. We agreed that if it was the 15 month shorter sentence, it would probably be worth it at this point. (That would get him out in June with no parole requirement.) Anyway, he's going to ask about still getting out in Feb but said he was doing it for me but doesn't believe they'll let him out before the end of March or early April now.
The way he's talking lately I really don't know if he'll continue to get charges and having to stay in longer. I guess that is better than getting out and having another arrest. Still, I hope this sort of thinking he's doing is leading to staying out of trouble, but I'm not so sure it is. I'm also keeping it in the back of my mind that this is his "trouble" time of year starting and it will be interesting to see if his moods and way of thinking get worse before they get better. Honestly I hate to say it but it might be for the best if he has to stay in until the end of March.
Oh- I also brought up that he's getting ready to turn 15yo and that a lot of things happen at 15- like maybe taking driver's ed and going on a chapperoned date. He smiled but doesn't really seem too motivated or happy. I can't honestly say it seemed real depressed either though. And this really gets me- he could have requested a 1/2 hour lunch visitation for me to come to "but forgot". I asked if he would consider asking for one on or around his birthday and he said he would. Then he started talking about maybe asking for food from McD's or something for it and seemed more excited about that. His face still looks bad from the fight- it's bruised and he has a busted vessel in one eye. His glasses are broken and he is going to request an eye appointment to get new glasses so the other boys won't realize that he's going to a dr to have the eye looked at. He's upset because he thinks he'll have to pay for this new pair of glasses since they were broken in the fight.
Sorry this is so long- I just find it emotionally draining sometimes and it hurts my feelings that he doesn't seem to care more about living at home than in there or that it's worth not getting arrested again. I have a letter into him asking him to write me his biggest concerns that pertain to us or what he might want us to talk about- I can't remember how I worded it but basicly asking if something is bothering him that he would like for us to talk/write about. He'll get the letter tomorrow.
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