well well well....here I am..... I need some "positive" reinforcement

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by amazeofgrace, Dec 13, 2010.

  1. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    hmmm where to begin... some of you know me i used to fly under i a n a v

    my eldest difficult child (19 - mood disorder/ADHD) is now a Dad of a beautiful lil girl he's never seen nor does he accept as his daughter. He broke up with her mom a month before she was born and moved in with this lovely (sarcasm) young lady in another town far far away that is know to have gang officliations.

    So today eldest calls and says he's had it with her and wants a ride "home". Well he's been thrown out of here more times than I can count. He has no degree, no job, no license and is on probation & had a bucket load of court fines. He is a mess, refuses counseling or medications and his attitude about my grandaughter was the last straw for me. Not to mention he harrasses the hell out of difficult child II (14/BiPolar (BP)) and difficult child II has been in an IOP since July.

    So the big ?....do I drive an hour and pick his ungrateful butt up? My mind is screaming "NO" but my heart is screaming "How could you not"....

    Let me have it ladies!:tinfoilhatsmile:
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't...however, my BS tolerance level these days is pretty low, and spending an hour in a car listening to someone whine, complain, and fuss is not something I want to do.

    If you think that he's willing to make a change, see his daughter, and behave like a civilized human being, then yes.
  3. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    hmm I wish he was willing to change...but we've been here b4 and sadly I don't think he's there yet, he's alot like my X that way, X is in rehab #7 as I type....sigh....
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't do it. There is no extra bed in my house for a reason. I hate to say that I wouldn't have room for company if someone wanted to visit, but if you can't be comfy on my sofa or a blow up bed, then there's no room for anyone other than husband and I and the dogs at my house.

    I encourage you to let him be a man and deal with the consequences of his choices. Clear out the bed that he might sleep in and make that a room for yourself. Give him a way to eat - McDonald's gift certs or grocery gift certs or something, but he's sounding like an ungrateful ----- and I wouldn't give him the opportunity to take advantage of me again.

    I hope that you will do what you can to keep the lines of communication open with your granddaughter. She's an innocent in this.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Nope. I wouldn't. I'd have to say the refusal to man up and be a dad to his daughter would be the last straw for me too. I'd tell him sorry, but it's your life, time you figure it out all by yourself.

    If he's not ready to change, then there is just no point. It just opens you up to a lot of drama and heartache and gives him a place to flop until you can't put up with it anymore.

    I know it won't be easy this time of year especially. But seriously, if it were me, I'd tell him no. If he wants to return to his hometown there are ways to get there. He can call travelers aid for one, but he has to have someone to say that he can live with them before they'll pay for it. He doesn't have to really stay with them. They just call the person and the person says yeah or no. Katie and family got their bus tickets paid for that way. I told them they would be living here. They are staying in a dayton shelter.

    This time I think it's best to follow your brain. Now don't be such a stranger!

  6. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    thanks ladies...I love with my parents and none of us are ready to go down the difficult child I road again, besides if he came home, Granbaby's Mom wouldn't bring her here to visit! thank you for the Traveler's aide tip, I will look into that as well as shelters in the area, I have a email into his old CMO case worker (who is still difficult child II's case worker) so she might know of somewhere, although difficult child I of course would have to agree to go and he's more stubborn than Kate Gosselin riding a mule!
  7. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I know you've already made up your mind :) but I have to say NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

    Just to add my .02 cents.

    Good to see you back. :)

    (formerly wyntersgrace)
  8. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Putting in my two cents, too. I say nope. He dug his hole and he has to be the one to crawl out of it. Congratulations on becoming a grandmother!!!
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Of course I agree with the others not to bring him home, sounds like you have already decided that. I would suggest that if you are looking for other places for him, that you give him the numbers to call and tell him to make those calls. He really needs to figure out where to go, and my guess is he will shoot down any suggestion you make. Step back, give him the numbers of shelters or whoever and let him go from there.
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    To be the best mom in this situation you have to say no. He needs to learn that people (all people) have a limit to his BS. At a certain age the people around you get to choose if they want to be around you. If you are a turd, people will choose not to be around you. Life lesson. Period.
  11. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Adding my "no" to the mix. I wouldn't do it, personally.
  12. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Another vote for no, no and NO!

    Nice to see you Amaze, but sorry that you've had to come back. Hugs.
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Amaze -

    Oh honey - HOW CAN YOU LEAVE HIM THERE in another town? Cold, alone? out on the streets, hungry? Poor, penniless? What an AWFUL thing to do this time of year! I'm surprised at you! (crosses arms and looks up at the corner and away) - still looking away......still........huffs....tragic......just tragic.

    Why you know what will happen if you go get him! You know - this could work this time. You go get him, and on the ride home you discusss house rules - you know - He MUST get a job, MUST go to court, MUST go to probation. Okay? Okay because you know if you go get him THIS time? He's going to appreciate this one last chance right? And then there's not when he gets a job, but WHEN his job pays him - he WILL give you most of the check so you can pay his fines and put back his money so he can get a place of his own in how many weeks - not months (laughs MONTHS......hahahaha chortle) nononononooo not months - he won't want to live there months - no no no ......of COURSE he will want to be on his own - I mean how long do you think he will want to do his own laundry, cook, clean up after himself, keep his stereo down, run the vacuum, clean the bathroom, and stay out of your personal things? hah ha haa you know he doesn't need tobe at your house! Silly Mom - Flop houses are for teenagers - right. RIGHT - so none of that for him - he'll have a job, you'll help him budget and OFF.HE.WILL.GO - and I bet in NO time - he will have a car - and a place of his own - and it won't be ;years before he's out or months - and you two will get along JUST like before - Remember how great that was - he was mowing the yard - taking out the trash - helping you pick up around the place.........not inviting strangers into your home whileyou were gone at work - working your butt off for two........and then when you invite your granddaughter over - I bet he can't wait to see her!

    And where are my manners? Oh! You know I forgot that he has/or rather had a girlfriend and well, you know how young love is. I bet he can't wait to burn up your phone lines with "Oh no you did not" and "I miss you so bad honey" and all that other stuff young lovers who fall in and out of like say to each other these days Know what I mean?? Yeah - that is just the kind of stuff you won't want to be around to hear (insert finger) blech. But then again - if they get back TOGETHER? Have you thought about having that girl come live with you or what would happen if you go to work and - what did you tell us - she's in a garden club or some gang of girls? Wouldn't that be lovely to come home and have them on your patio? Maybe they'll go through your house and clean it out er....I mean clean it for you while you're at work one day. That would be special huh? Goodness only knows you should stock the fridge now with snacks just in case. Hmmm mmmm.

    In any event I would guess that if your granddaughters Mother and the new girlfriend ever meet at your house that will be interesting for sure - you should get a camera for evidence - I mean FAMILY PHOTOS. Kinda somehwere between a Jerry Springer and a Hallmark Moment comes to mind. Like Witz said the baby N is an innocent in all of this - would imagine if her Daddy doesn't want her - that's going to be hard to fake feeling. Not sure what you do in that case. But I know if I had a granddaughter and my son was being a (words fail me) I'd want to seriously know how he felt about a baby in the exact same predicament. She has no home - needs help - and has no one. But she can't beg for help right now. Kudos to her Mom for taking care - even if he is my nephew - and your son - abandoning your daughter? Not - and I've had this talk with Dudes friend who did the exact same thing so did DF and in a nutshell we told him to take responsibility, man up, and not miss any days in her life. He knew she was his and if he had doubts - ask for paternity DNA whatever - but don't just abandon her. He did - the little girl is his - he got to spend time with her alone and now they are inseperable - despite him not getting along with the babys Mom. But he's glad for having her. And we didn't let him come to live with us when he got thrown out of the group home either - that was tough too. He was like a brother to Dude.

    So even though this is a little tongue in cheek - and you're probably reading this and waiting for him to come "Home" and hoping it all works out - I wish you the best. Sometimes a rhino skin mom's gotta do - Oh phooey - you just tell him no - and let him figure it out. Period. Another vote for not likely to change if he comes home -----oh but wait he could.....if only....... (and kicks no wait you said positive.....I would place your butt up to your shoulders cause I'd expect the same)

    Hugs and Love and congrats again on the beautiful little girl.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Trust me, I DID let mine come home and I cant wait to get him out of here. He is so much better than he was when he first left but just having him here is irritating and stressful. I want my house back. I am so ready to be child free when I have completely adult kids. We are going to get mine a run down trailer and let him put it on a part of our land. Not the best situation but at least he will be out of our house. What we will do with the other one is still a mystery but he has to go too.
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Well? (passes cup of cocoa and a tissue) -
  16. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Star can I just say that I love reading your posts? You put sense into MY head when it is not even directed to me. LOVE you and your writing!!!!!!
  17. Alttlgabby

    Alttlgabby New Member

    No, no, and no! And don't let him make you feel guilty over it either. He found his way there, he can find his way back and I would not allow him back into the house either. I know it is really hard when you a parent with kids like this, but at some point and time, you gotta cut those apron strings and make them be responsible.
  18. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    thanks ladies, I didn't go and sure enough the next day he and his girlfriend kissed and made up!
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    You are a wise and sage graceful woman - and you have nuts for friends.

    (that was my fortune cookie today)
  20. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    (Giggles) Oh Star how I have missed you <<<hugs>>>